My boyfriend is packing all his things and says he's leaving me. Is this fair?

[Confusedgirl741]

Hi. My post is kind of long, but I really need help with my situation. My boyfriend has been living with me for a little over 2 years. Before he moved in with me, I was married to someone else but we got divorced. I never had children with my ex. From time to time, I will still get correspondence that belongs to my ex in my mail because the divorce was recent and my new boyfriend wanted to move in right away with me. He got mad because I had opened some of the mail since some of the letters that arrived seemed important. My ex moved to another state after the divorce so I needed to check if I had to toss the letters out or find a way to send them to him. For example, they sent the first stimulus check that belonged to my ex to my mailing address for some reason. I wasn't just going to trash that. And If I were to deliver the mail to him, I would tell someone to do it because I stopped all communication with my ex from the time we got divorced. It's fair to do it that way since I'm in a relationship and I respect my current partner. I never bothered to call USPS and tell them to stop mailing things from that person, because I didn't thought it was going to be a problem since I don't talk to my ex. 

Well, my boyfriend wants me to just trash away every mail I receive that belongs to him even if it's important. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. So one time I got another mail from his old job. Again, I don’t receive mail from him ALL THE TIME but rarely. Since I didn't know what to do with it, I decided to temporarily hide it in one of my drawers. I didn't want to cause problems with my boyfriend again and him making a scene out of it.

A few days ago, we were both cleaning the room and he opened the drawer and I forgot that I had put the letter in there. So I grabbed it in front of him and went to throw it right away. My boyfriend got extremely upset and told me I should've been sincere and told him about the letter instead of hiding it and then throwing it. He said that I had betrayed him, called me a cheater and hasn't spoken to me for a week. And he told me he's leaving and is packing all his things.

Is it fair that he will throw away our relationship over this? Maybe what I did was not cool but the issue is that he doesn't trust that my intentions were not bad. I don't even talk to my ex and have him blocked on social media. And I told him that I want us to move to a bigger place soon, so it's not like we will continue receiving mail for my ex for a lifetime. This is not the first time my boyfriend acts like this. In the past he would snoop through my phone while I was sleeping, go through my personal email, and he was jealous of all my past relationships for no reason. He was even upset because I had male friends on Facebook and I deleted many of them to give some peace of mind to my boyfriend. So am I the bad guy in this relationship or does he have insecurity problems? Should I feel guilty because of what I did? Also, while I don't communicate with my ex, he DOES communicate with his ex because he has kids with her. And I trust him blindly as sometimes he has to speak to her. But he WON'T trust me and it's stupid that he assumes I still love my ex. There's a reason why I asked him to divorce me. I was the one who broke up the marriage. 

Thoughts??? 

 

 

[basil67]

"Fair" has nothing to do with it.   From what you've written, you're well rid of him.  

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

From what you've written, you're well rid of him.  

Agree. He sounds like a creep you unfortunately let slither into your house while you were in the throes of divorce.

He opened your mail? You realize that's a crime, right? He seems like a controlling weirdo.

Do a happy dance that he left on his own and you didn't have to exterminate from your house with a messy eviction.

[Fletch Lives]

It sounds like he has trust issues and needs therapy. He's not a catch.

[ExpatInItaly]

There is no way I'd continue a relationship with this weirdo. 

[introverted1]

Is there a missing piece to this story?  It seems odd that you would still be getting your ex's mail 2+ years later.  He'd have filed tax returns in that period, for instance, and his stimulus check would have gone to that address.

[Gaeta]

Jealous of the mail coming in, that's a new one. Your boyfriend has reached a new level of sick jealousy. 

Let him pack and go, that level of control and jealousy is a sickness that you can't fix.

 

[heavenonearth]

Your boyfriend's jealousy is his problem, and it should not be yours! You should be lucky he left. Jealousy is the death of any relationship! 

He needs to admit he has issues and work on them. But it seems he cannot even see that he is in the wrong, and puts it all on you.

That is, in my opinion, a lost cause.

Good riddance. I hope you can quickly move on from this and that he wont be using any sort of manipulation tactics to reel himself back into your life somehow!

Once he is gone, let him be gone!!!! And move on! 

 

[d0nnivain]

If you hell bent on keeping the BF, go on line to the post office website & fill out a change of address form for your EX so the post office will cause your EX's mail to be delivered to your EX even if it's addressed to you.  

That problem will then be solved.  What you do with the controlling invasive BF with extreme jealousy I don't know.  

[Gaeta]

By the way you know that destroying other people's mail is a federal crime? 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Is there a missing piece to this story?  It seems odd that you would still be getting your ex's mail 2+ years later.  He'd have filed tax returns in that period, for instance, and his stimulus check would have gone to that address.

I have the same question. Not to mention opening another person's mail is a federal crime, not sure what made you think it was okay.

He could and should have a completed a very simple "change of address" form on line, takes literally 2 minutes tops, and notified creditors, etc of his new address.

Since apparently he did not, do not open his mail and simply mail his unopened mail to his new address.

As for your now ex, it's not a matter of it being 'fair', a person can end a relationship for whatever reason they want, he chose this.

If it wasn't this, it would have been something else, he seems a bit deranged imo, good riddance.

Edited March 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

She doesn't even have to mail it back to him, just put back in the mail with mention ' moved send back to sender'. 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She doesn't even have to mail it back to him, just put back in the mail with mention ' moved send back to sender'. 

You're right, good point!  

[Sun Seeker]

Definitely let him leave as he sounds way too controlling.

Saying that you should not be opening your exes mail. And also your ex should have changed his address for all his stuff a long time ago.

Any mail that does come you should either return to sender, or keep them then once a month forward it to your ex.

Either way drop your current boyfriend. Do not stay in this relationship.

[Confusedgirl741]

Thanks for the input. I really don’t know why they keep sending mail from him. I know it’s bad to open the mail but I’m not going to attempt to send every single letter that arrives to him. For example, the stimulus check I simply sent it back to the IRS with a note saying he does not live here anymore. 
The point is that my boyfriend is upset over this knowing that my ex lived here before. It’s immature that he’ll get mad over this and not trust me. And my plans were for us to move soon. I wanted to buy a house but after this, I think it would be a bad idea. He has sick jealousy issues and I doubt it will get better with time.

[SaraSays]

12 hours ago, Bjackson said:

My ex moved to another state after the divorce so I needed to check if I had to toss the letters out or find a way to send them to him. For example, they sent the first stimulus check that belonged to my ex to my mailing address for some reason. I wasn't just going to trash that. And If I were to deliver the mail to him, I would tell someone to do it because I stopped all communication with my ex from the time we got divorced. It's fair to do it that way since I'm in a relationship and I respect my current partner. I never bothered to call USPS and tell them to stop mailing things from that person, because I didn't thought it was going to be a problem since I don't talk to my ex. 

Well, my boyfriend wants me to just trash away every mail I receive that belongs to him even if it's important. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. So one time I got another mail from his old job. Again, I don’t receive mail from him ALL THE TIME but rarely. Since I didn't know what to do with it, I decided to temporarily hide it in one of my drawers. I didn't want to cause problems with my boyfriend again and him making a scene out of it.

What's the reason you didn't simply put a line through the address on the envelope, write something akin to "recipient unknown at this address - return to sender", and pop it back in the mailbox each time?

[Ami1uwant]

29 minutes ago, Bjackson said:

Thanks for the input. I really don’t know why they keep sending mail from him. I know it’s bad to open the mail but I’m not going to attempt to send every single letter that arrives to him. For example, the stimulus check I simply sent it back to the IRS with a note saying he does not live here anymore. 
The point is that my boyfriend is upset over this knowing that my ex lived here before. It’s immature that he’ll get mad over this and not trust me. And my plans were for us to move soon. I wanted to buy a house but after this, I think it would be a bad idea. He has sick jealousy issues and I doubt it will get better with time.

I think there is something else here you aren’t talking about.

 

why even hide it? Why not just show it to him? Say...look I got this from my ex snd hadn’t read it.

 

I don’t know his past but jealousy come out from keeping secrets

 

if he’s ending it with you after two years he’ll get mail to your home.

 

ive had not contact with my ex-wife since our divorce.  One time I received a latter addressed to her. It had to do with a identify theft thing associated to my health insurance getting hacked during the time we were married.  I sent her the letter to an address I had on her without including my home address.

 

 

 

 

[dramafreezone]

Seems like a pretty jealous type.  Have you tried just showing him the content of the letters to reassure him?  You shouldn't have to but if you think this is worth saving it might help to be 100% transparent.

Other than that it doesn't sound like this guy is a prize himself.  He may be doing you a favor.  If it's not this it will be something else later down the line, "why are you looking at that guy, why are you dressed like that, etc." 

Edited March 21, 2021 by dramafreezone

[primer]

5 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Is there a missing piece to this story?  It seems odd that you would still be getting your ex's mail 2+ years later.  He'd have filed tax returns in that period, for instance, and his stimulus check would have gone to that address.

The first stimulus payment was based on your 2018 tax return. Maybe that was his address in 2018.

Regardless, let him move out. You are doing what any decent person would do. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can also ask your ex (and i think you can do this) to fill out a post office form to reroute letters to his new address.  I'm not sure why you haven't prompted your ex to do this.

https://www.usps.com/manage/forward.htm

Or you can just scratch out your address, write the new address and drop in mailbox. Not sure why you haven't done that. And you might be able to fill out the form. See here:

https://www.postscanmail.com/blog/how-forward-postal-mail-to-someone.html#ForwardMailSomeone

My initial reaction is to say bf is an idiot, that he's overreacting. Expecting you to trash all mail to your ex seems really petty and immature.  On the other hand, it does seem weird that you're so passive on this matter. You should not be opening any mail for your ex. Just forward it. Period! So I'm wondering if bf sensed that you're still wanting to be involved in your ex's life. 

 

[Gaeta]

14 hours ago, Bjackson said:

In the past he would snoop through my phone while I was sleeping, go through my personal email, and he was jealous of all my past relationships for no reason. He was even upset because I had male friends on Facebook and I deleted many of them to give some peace of mind to my boyfriend.

Is this the life you want for yourself? Once you're living together this will escalate. He'll be jealous of co-workers, family members, neighbors. It will not get better, it never gets better. Let him move out and move on to a better man. 

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, I retract what I wrote before. Thanks @Gaeta, I read so fast, I missed the real juice.

The only problem I see is that you have put up with this crazy jealous behavior. Celebrate his departure.

No, you should not feel guilty. You are NOT the bad guy. He is the insecure and CONTROLLING one and if you stayed with him there'd be emotional abuse (if not physical) coming your way.

Go celebrate, and figure out why YOU didn't boot him out first! Dump a guy the first time he does this. It's destructive behavior. 

[Miss Spider]

Controlling. People like this just want power and control in the relationship, above all else, IMO. I’d let him leave if I were you 

[SaraSays]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OK, I retract what I wrote before. Thanks @Gaeta, I read so fast, I missed the real juice.

The only problem I see is that you have put up with this crazy jealous behavior. Celebrate his departure.

No, you should not feel guilty. You are NOT the bad guy. He is the insecure and CONTROLLING one and if you stayed with him there'd be emotional abuse (if not physical) coming your way.

Go celebrate, and figure out why YOU didn't boot him out first! Dump a guy the first time he does this. It's destructive behavior. 

I think both things are independently right:

• This man isn't a good partner, and shows some dangerous, controlling traits in his character
• Doing anything with the letters, but returning them to the sender telling them the person doesn't live at the address, is odd

[kendahke]

15 hours ago, Bjackson said:

Is it fair that he will throw away our relationship over this?

The real question is: why do you want to be in a relationship with an adult male who cannot abide the fact that mail addressed to your ex by completely neutral 3rd parties arrives at your address and you did not solicit that mail to be delivered?  Why can't he get over the fact that you were once married but now you're not? It's not like this landed on him like a bolt out of the blue this past week.

However, to answer your question: fairness has nothing to do with this. He's irrational and no amount of rational rhetoric is going to change his mind about you---and why do you want to waste precious time and energy schooling him on common sense? He has none--let him take that to someone else who's got time and youth to squander.

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The point is that my boyfriend is upset over this knowing that my ex lived here before. It’s immature that he’ll get mad over this and not trust me.

I rest my case.

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And my plans were for us to move soon. I wanted to buy a house

Do so... just don't buy a house for him to move into with you. Let him move out and go. You don't need that level of aggravation.

Edited March 21, 2021 by kendahke