Is it the Slow Fade?

March 19, 2021

Hey Everyone,

I need some opinions because I am going crazy overthinking in my mind. Sorry it takes long for me to get to the point but i feel the backstory is important...

So backstory, I met this guy back in 2016 when I was out with friends. We ended up going on one whirlwind date that was full of crazy fun, and alcohol, that ended in us hooking up. I was annoyed because he passed out drunk in my bed and snored all night. He asked to hang out again several times over the course of the next year but I always blew him off. I even joked about him to my friends for years as one of my "date disasters" to add to my list. He had been recently divorced and out of the military and had a young son and at the time I was not interested in dating someone with kids. I was always attracted to him but at the time he didn't even fit on paper what i was looking for. Throughout the last 5 years we have always kept up on each others lives on social media, commenting on each others IG stories and messaging. We both got into multiple year long relationships which both ended last year, which let me to moving a few hours away to move back in with my parents while I figured out what i wanted to do (either stay in the city I was in or move somewhere else)

We recently reconnected again back in January when he made a post about sobriety and we got to talking, and he told me he had given up alcohol all together several months prior as he felt like it did not serve him or his life goals. Ironically, alcohol was the main reason behind my last breakup- my ex drank too much and I was really looking for someone who either did not drink or drank very little. We started FaceTiming everyday and texting in between. The more we talked, I realized he now was what I was looking for on paper- sober, involved in his church he started going to a few years ago, starting his own business, dedicated to exercise and a healthy lifestyle. He told me that when we initially met, he was not in any place mentally to be in a relationship but he now wanted a relationship and marriage again. He said that I was checking all his boxes on paper and he really wanted me to move back to the city I was in because he wanted to find out if we would work together. He told me he has not even been on a date since September or been intimate with anyone because he is trying to wait for the right person this time (born again I guess?) I decided I wanted to move back to the city we met in and ended up finding a place and I move back April 1. He was excited and started saying how he couldn't wait to just do mundane things together and at one point said he thinks I am the "perfect girl for him."

The problem with me hearing words like this, is that I have a personal secret that I wait until I really know someone to tell them. Since I am not down there yet, I felt pressured to tell him right then and there that if he really felt that way there was a personal convo we needed to have, regarding my health, that has been a dealbreaker for some. He told me he was okay with it, and that it showed a lot about my character that I even disclosed it. He said it was not a dealbreaker for him, and he still thought I was perfect for him.

Well its now been 5 days since that conversation and there has been little communication between us, compared to before. Previously, he was the one always reaching out daily, sending good morning texts etc. I tried Facetiming him the next day to tell him I officially signed my new lease and he didn't answer, so after waiting about 6-7 hours I ended up telling him over text and he said he didn't see my call and just said he was "stoked" I officially got my place. The next day he Facetimed me for literally one minute just to say hi and that was it. I tried sending him a video of my nephews performance that night which I never got a response from (he sends me videos of his son and dog and lots of other things so it seemed appropriate). I waited yesterday, he never contacted me, so I Facetimed this morning and he answered but again he rushed me off the phone saying his phone was going to die (last time he wanted to get off the phone to take a nap)

I admit I tend to get really insecure after I disclose this secret of mine, because for some reason I tend to be perfect in so many men's eyes until they find out I have a flaw. I have been ghosted and broken up with over this secret so I wanted to let him know before I get too emotionally invested but I now am feeling like I was more invested than I thought. I guess I just assumed he had no benefit saying all those nice things when he is 200 miles away and cant just get in my pants, or already has in the past lol. Does this sound like a slow fade? I don't even know how long I should give it, with this little communication before I try and address it without sounding needy? I was really looking forward to spending time with him when I moved back but now I am worried I made the wrong choice.

March 19, 2021

24 minutes ago, Ariesgirly said:

The problem with me hearing words like this, is that I have a personal secret that I wait until I really know someone to tell them. Since I am not down there yet, I felt pressured to tell him right then and there that if he really felt that way there was a personal convo we needed to have, regarding my health, that has been a dealbreaker for some. He told me he was okay with it, and that it showed a lot about my character that I even disclosed it. He said it was not a dealbreaker for him, and he still thought I was perfect for him.

Well its now been 5 days since that conversation and there has been little communication between us, compared to before.

Oh shoot, that really sucks Ariesgirly, but I applaud you for being honest and telling him.

I suspect after you told him, he thought he'd be cool with it, not a dealbreaker, but after thinking about it a bit more, perhaps discussing with friends or family, or reading about the issue (whatever it is), he feels differently.

The only conclusion I can draw from his behavior now is yes sadly he is slow fading. If this were me in your shoes, that is what I would be thinking.

I don't know what the issue is, if you were to tell us it here, I and perhaps others might be able to advise how to better disclose such information to your dates, to avoid having them run off after finding out.

On a more positive note, perhaps he simply needs some time and space to sort it all out, and will reach back out at some point. I definitely think you should stop reaching out to him.

I am really sorry this happened Ariesgirly, hang in, and hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

Edited March 19, 2021 by poppyfields

March 19, 2021

28 minutes ago, Ariesgirly said:

Does this sound like a slow fade?

Unfortunately, yes, it does.

Kudos for being honest and letting him know about your condition, in any case. I'm sorry that his behaviour suggests he's maybe not okay with it.

I think that both of you unforunately got quite carried away here, though. I realize you've been talking a lot but you have only been on one date, 5 years ago. There is no telling how compatible you would actually be now, and whether you'd gel face-to-face. On paper it all sounded good, yes, but that is not enough to build a hypothetical future on. It was rather premature for him to decide you're the perfect girl for him before you two have even tried dating. (and vice versa, you have little tangible experience with him to assume he'd be great for you)

Moving because you wanted to move where he is anyway is fine. But if your primary movitation in doing so was to build a relationship with him, it probably wasn't the best idea. You just don't know each other well enough to make big changes like that.

March 19, 2021

I have made the experience that guys - if they’re attracted to you - don’t care what issues you have and what secrets you revealed to them. Attraction rules. And it usually overrules everything else, unless you’re a mass murderer. So I don’t think your secret made him cut you off. Especially because he said that it was not a dealbreaker. There must be some other reason. Maybe he doesn’t want to get involved in a serious relationship, maybe he’s with somebody else.

March 19, 2021

3 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

I have made the experience that guys - if they’re attracted to you - don’t care what issues you have and what secrets you revealed to them. Attraction rules. And it usually overrules everything else, unless you’re a mass murderer. So I don’t think your secret made him cut you off. Especially because he said that it was not a dealbreaker. There must be some other reason. Maybe he doesn’t want to get involved in a serious relationship, maybe he’s with somebody else.

I feel like I have had the same experience, and for the most part I have been a good judge of character when telling people about this and most people that I was confident would be okay with it, in the end, were. I did have confidence he would be too but the sudden change has made me worry

March 19, 2021

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unfortunately, yes, it does.

Kudos for being honest and letting him know about your condition, in any case. I'm sorry that his behaviour suggests he's maybe not okay with it.

I think that both of you unforunately got quite carried away here, though. I realize you've been talking a lot but you have only been on one date, 5 years ago. There is no telling how compatible you would actually be now, and whether you'd gel face-to-face. On paper it all sounded good, yes, but that is not enough to build a hypothetical future on. It was rather premature for him to decide you're the perfect girl for him before you two have even tried dating. (and vice versa, you have little tangible experience with him to assume he'd be great for you)

Moving because you wanted to move where he is anyway is fine. But if your primary movitation in doing so was to build a relationship with him, it probably wasn't the best idea. You just don't know each other well enough to make big changes like that.

I dont disagree with you that we got carried away. I do think we were just going off of paper and how comfortable our conversations felt. I was not moving FOR him, as I had been casually looking for places prior to us connecting but he definitely lit the fire under me to move back ( I have lived there for 13 years) This picture was painted of all the things we could be doing together once I got there and go back to normal life.

March 19, 2021

1 hour ago, Ariesgirly said:

The problem with me hearing words like this, is that I have a personal secret that I wait until I really know someone to tell them.

Sorry this happened. Do you feel the drop off was because of this secret or because he was not ready for you to move there and start up a relationship?

March 19, 2021

He was never into you.

You reconnect online after a few years and there he is telling you you're the one without even having spent 1 day with you. He was love bombing you. His intentions were never genuine.

I am sorry, he better disappear now than after being intimate with him again and getting your heart really broken.

March 19, 2021

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Do you feel the drop off was because of this secret or because he was not ready for you to move there and start up a relationship?

I mean, he could have had a change of heart, however he was the one who pursued me and kept asking when I was moving back BECAUSE he wanted to start something. It's not like I was moving to a new city to be with him, I am moving back to the city I just spent 13 years in where I have a life, and friends. The only reason I was living with my parents right now is because I got a remote job at the end of last year and wanted to save up some money. There has been no premature talk on my end about wanting to have a relationship, if anything, he has been the one saying that I was always the type of girl he saw himself with and he would be a "powerhouse" together, I guess just based on what he thought he knew of me the last 5 years.

March 19, 2021

18 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

I have made the experience that guys - if they’re attracted to you - don’t care what issues you have and what secrets you revealed to them. Attraction rules. And it usually overrules everything else, unless you’re a mass murderer. So I don’t think your secret made him cut you off. Especially because he said that it was not a dealbreaker. There must be some other reason. Maybe he doesn’t want to get involved in a serious relationship, maybe he’s with somebody else.

OP I agree with this that a man really attracted to you wouldn't budge at your secret.

This guy told you he was ok with your secret because he didn't want to appear superficial in front of you and then he gave you a fade away.

He is gone because he was not genuine to start with.

March 19, 2021

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

He was never into you.

You reconnect online after a few years and there he is telling you you're the one without even having spent 1 day with you. He was love bombing you. His intentions were never genuine.

I am sorry, he better disappear now than after being intimate with him again and getting your heart really broken.

I have thought about this "love bombing" before and was actually wondering if that was the case, but if he was doing that, what would be the benefit to him to love bomb someone that lives somewhere else? Wouldn't someone love bomb someone to try to get them to sleep with you or something? Why would you take time out of your everyday to call someone and talk for an hour or two when you can't even see them?

March 19, 2021

2 minutes ago, Ariesgirly said:

I mean, he could have had a change of heart, however he was the one who pursued me and kept asking when I was moving back BECAUSE he wanted to start something.

This is a big red flag in and of itself.

He was getting way ahead of himself I would caution you to be wary of any guy who puts the cart before the horse like this. Thy're usually living in FantasyLand in their minds without a mature and measured approach to life.

March 19, 2021

@Ariesgirly: Doesn't matter his reasons, lonely, working on keeping you as a back up, anything goes. The result is the same, he told you a bunch of things to keep you coming back and what he said was over the top for a man that had not seen you in real for years. Normal, balanced people don't reconnect over the Internet after years and right away want to try a relationship with you without spending time with you first.

Edited March 19, 2021 by Gaeta

March 19, 2021

Is moving there without him being involved in your life still something you want to do, or can you back out of that move and stay where you are?

If so, proceed as if it's a new experience for you and don't factor him into anything you're doing. Stop facetiming him so you can find out his true interest--if he doesn't contact you within 2 weeks, you'll have your answer.

Did the secret impact the two of you having had sex previously when you didn't tell him? He may be turning that over in his head... at any rate--keep going with your plans without him being a part of them. What he was doing was thinking out loud--loud enough for you to hear him, unfortunately. Some men do that and some women build elaborate futures around that flimsy foundation. In the future, only divulge the secret when he has made a real declaration in your presence as to his intentions with you.

March 19, 2021

3 hours ago, Ariesgirly said:

We recently reconnected again back in January when he made a post about sobriety and we got to talking, and he told me he had given up alcohol all together several months prior as he felt like it did not serve him or his life goals. Ironically, alcohol was the main reason behind my last breakup- my ex drank too much and I was really looking for someone who either did not drink or drank very little.

Perhaps the initial heavy pursuit was due to his newfound sobriety.

Given your past relationship history, do you think it's wise to start-up with someone who is still in the early stages of recovery so soon? Perhaps this gives you a better opportunity to assess whether this is a suitable situation for you, so you fully understand what it entails.

March 20, 2021

That actually did cross my mind too. It seemed so out of the blue the way our communication started. He definitely did not pursue me this hard when we initially met and it almost felt like he really wanted me to know what changes he had made in his life....almost like he wanted me to see that he was finally "on my level" I dont know how or why he chose me to be the one to go after when I am hundred's of miles away and there are plenty of women in the city he lives in.

March 20, 2021

4 hours ago, Ariesgirly said:

Hey Everyone,

I need some opinions because I am going crazy overthinking in my mind. Sorry it takes long for me to get to the point but i feel the backstory is important...

So backstory, I met this guy back in 2016 when I was out with friends. We ended up going on one whirlwind date that was full of crazy fun, and alcohol, that ended in us hooking up. I was annoyed because he passed out drunk in my bed and snored all night. He asked to hang out again several times over the course of the next year but I always blew him off. I even joked about him to my friends for years as one of my "date disasters" to add to my list. He had been recently divorced and out of the military and had a young son and at the time I was not interested in dating someone with kids. I was always attracted to him but at the time he didn't even fit on paper what i was looking for. Throughout the last 5 years we have always kept up on each others lives on social media, commenting on each others IG stories and messaging. We both got into multiple year long relationships which both ended last year, which let me to moving a few hours away to move back in with my parents while I figured out what i wanted to do (either stay in the city I was in or move somewhere else)

We recently reconnected again back in January when he made a post about sobriety and we got to talking, and he told me he had given up alcohol all together several months prior as he felt like it did not serve him or his life goals. Ironically, alcohol was the main reason behind my last breakup- my ex drank too much and I was really looking for someone who either did not drink or drank very little. We started FaceTiming everyday and texting in between. The more we talked, I realized he now was what I was looking for on paper- sober, involved in his church he started going to a few years ago, starting his own business, dedicated to exercise and a healthy lifestyle. He told me that when we initially met, he was not in any place mentally to be in a relationship but he now wanted a relationship and marriage again. He said that I was checking all his boxes on paper and he really wanted me to move back to the city I was in because he wanted to find out if we would work together. He told me he has not even been on a date since September or been intimate with anyone because he is trying to wait for the right person this time (born again I guess?) I decided I wanted to move back to the city we met in and ended up finding a place and I move back April 1. He was excited and started saying how he couldn't wait to just do mundane things together and at one point said he thinks I am the "perfect girl for him."

The problem with me hearing words like this, is that I have a personal secret that I wait until I really know someone to tell them. Since I am not down there yet, I felt pressured to tell him right then and there that if he really felt that way there was a personal convo we needed to have, regarding my health, that has been a dealbreaker for some. He told me he was okay with it, and that it showed a lot about my character that I even disclosed it. He said it was not a dealbreaker for him, and he still thought I was perfect for him.

Well its now been 5 days since that conversation and there has been little communication between us, compared to before. Previously, he was the one always reaching out daily, sending good morning texts etc. I tried Facetiming him the next day to tell him I officially signed my new lease and he didn't answer, so after waiting about 6-7 hours I ended up telling him over text and he said he didn't see my call and just said he was "stoked" I officially got my place. The next day he Facetimed me for literally one minute just to say hi and that was it. I tried sending him a video of my nephews performance that night which I never got a response from (he sends me videos of his son and dog and lots of other things so it seemed appropriate). I waited yesterday, he never contacted me, so I Facetimed this morning and he answered but again he rushed me off the phone saying his phone was going to die (last time he wanted to get off the phone to take a nap)

I admit I tend to get really insecure after I disclose this secret of mine, because for some reason I tend to be perfect in so many men's eyes until they find out I have a flaw. I have been ghosted and broken up with over this secret so I wanted to let him know before I get too emotionally invested but I now am feeling like I was more invested than I thought. I guess I just assumed he had no benefit saying all those nice things when he is 200 miles away and cant just get in my pants, or already has in the past lol. Does this sound like a slow fade? I don't even know how long I should give it, with this little communication before I try and address it without sounding needy? I was really looking forward to spending time with him when I moved back but now I am worried I made the wrong choice.

Wait and see.

But if he cared that much, whatever you told him wouldnt deter him from continuing something with you.

March 20, 2021

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

OP I agree with this that a man really attracted to you wouldn't budge at your secret.

Not all men are like this. There are dealbreakers despite attraction, but that usually takes some time. A bad match is a bad match regardless of levels of attraction.

March 20, 2021

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not all men are like this. There are dealbreakers despite attraction, but that usually takes some time. A bad match is a bad match regardless of levels of attraction.

I agree. But a man really interested would have a conversation and want the facts about her health before making his decision. He would not avoid her followed by a ghost.

I know, l have a condition l need to disclose to men l date.

Edited March 20, 2021 by Gaeta

March 20, 2021

Without knowing what the gremlin is you told him it’s hard to say if this scared him off because you have known each other for 5 yrs as you say.

you could sa6 it scared him away if you just knew him for a month....

March 20, 2021

When you told him your secret, he probably said "oh, it's ok" because that is what one is supposed to say, and he felt on the spot. But then after thinking about it for a bit, once it sank in, he realized that he was scared off by it. So now he's doing the fade away.

March 20, 2021

I think he didn’t want to seem rude or hurt feelings by being upfront about how whatever you told him was a dealbreaker... so he chose this route. No biggie. Not everyone’s a match.

source: have done it

Edited March 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

March 20, 2021

12 hours ago, Ariesgirly said:

We recently reconnected again back in January when he made a post about sobriety and we got to talking,

When someone from the past suddenly contacts you the reasons are for them.

Often they just got dumped or are bored, lonely, going through a dry spell,etc.

This may be why after a flurry of heavy flirting, he's backed off.

March 20, 2021

What is this secret?

March 20, 2021

15 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I agree. But a man really interested would have a conversation and want the facts about her health before making his decision. He would not avoid her followed by a ghost.

Not necessarily. Some men who were initially very attracted might get spooked and ghost.

There is no one size fits all, every man, every person, will have a different reaction, even when initially very attracted.

Edited March 20, 2021 by poppyfields

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