Me (26M) Emotionally cheated on my Girlfriend (25F) for the past year on and off in our 3 year relationship.

[Sf93]

Fair warning this is rather lengthy.

My girlfriend and I have known each other for about 4 years now. Dating for 3 of those years. We met through mutual friends at a music festival. From the moment I laid my eyes on her, I thought she was the most beautiful person I had ever met before. I knew I wanted her to be in my life. We started hanging out with our friend group and getting to know each other as friends. It wasn't till about a year after we went as friends to a concert that we sparked our relationship. From the beginning, it was like an instant love story. We had the same friends, same interests, hobbies, outlook on what we wanted for the future. We truly have only had a few major fights throughout our relationship and have always communicated and worked through those problems. We honestly have a rather healthy minus my actions. I still love the hell out of this woman.

A little back info on me... I have always found women and men attractive. But I have never been interested in being with a man sexually or emotionally. I had every opportunity to "experiment" in my early 20's but never had the desire to dabble in it. Now, this is where things get a little complicated... I have had fantasies about other men and have experimented with toys for anal stimulation. But I have always let that be in the realm of just a fantasy and not what I want or desire for MY reality. I recently spoke to my therapist and he said that fantasies are an outlet and that's just it. He mentioned the Kinsey Scale that shows where you stand from heterosexuals to Homosexual scale. I found myself being a 2 on this scale which is predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual. You may be reading this, and thinking, this dude is probably a closeted gay man trying to make excuses. It's truly not like that. I love being with women.

Back to the relationship, I had never shared my above thoughts with her and hid this side of me from the one person that I should have felt comfortable bringing this up with. But for fear of rejection, a bit of shame, and not wanting to lose what we have, I suppressed it. The first two years of our relationship were amazing, we traveled, laughed, cried, grew both in our relationship and personal lives, integrated each other into each other's families. We both went back to school. Talked about marriage, kids, grandkids, growing old together. All the things one could want out of life. However, about a year ago, I felt like I was missing a part of my sex life that I didn't feel comfortable sharing. I was dumb and turned to online kink/Gay apps to talk to men that were into similar things sexually. It filled that fantasy of mine talking to these strangers. I did "sext" some of these people but it was never anything more than a sexual pleasure to me. I never met up with anyone or talked to the same person for a couple of days and then quit the apps. I kept downloading and deleting the apps for the past year of our 3 year relationship. I knew what I was doing was wrong and there is no excuse for it. I have mentioned that to her several times. I will own my actions that I have done.

A few days ago we were supposed to celebrate our 3 year anniversary. She wasn't feeling well and woke up the other night. She could not find her phone so she used mine for the flashlight to and I had left some of this s*** up on my phone. She went through my entire phone and found EVERYTHING. Before she told me she cuddled me one last time before our whole world came crashing down. We have always shared passwords and she always had full access to my phone. We just trusted each other. I broke that trust the moment I started using the apps. Part of me thinks it was meant to be that she found it so I could face MY truth. I feel like it's the universe telling me that she would understand.

We have talked about it for about 4 days now. Our last conversation felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I know it's a selfish way to feel the cause of my own selfish actions. I know that she is devastated, hurt, sad, confused, feeling lost. I feel the same way. The one person I should have felt comfortable talking to about ANYTHING. I have apologized several times, even though she may not believe anything I have to say anymore.

We are currently not together. We live together and I told her that I would leave till she came to a decision about what she wanted to do. I know I have no right to ask her to stay. She has every right to drop my ass and move on with her life. We have agreed to see a couples counselor today to help navigate through all of this.

I still love her and hope she will forgive me, whether or not we are together. I truly want nothing but the best for her. And if the universe is telling us, I am not the best then I have to accept the repercussions of my actions. However, there is part of me that hopes she thinks of everything else and all the good parts of life we shared and built together. I'm 1000% committed to proving to her every day that she can trust me again. Rebuilding the trust and love that we have. I'm trying my best to give her space and time to make the best decision for her, but at the same time, I want to just keep talking about the issues and find a way to work through them.

Thank you for reading. Help or suggestions are appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Sf93 said:

She went through my entire phone and found EVERYTHING.

We are currently not together. We live together and I told her that I would leave till she came to a decision about what she wanted to do.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately this is a multifold betrayal. One is the cheating in itself. The other is the range of your sexual exploration. 

You  need to explore your sexuality on your own time, not while pretending to be in a committed relationship.