primer Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) Do you think your moral standards interfere with your dating prospects? While I don't want to lower my standards, I realize they play a big role in the reason I am single. For example: 1) My friend is engaged to her ex-boyfriend's uncle. I would not date my ex-boyfriend's uncle. 2) Another friend is living with a guy that was in prison for drugs and armed robbery. I would be afraid to get involved with that type of person. I hope for the best. 3) I won't date someone that is married or separated. I want a finalized divorce. 3) Ex's of my friends are off limits too. Do you have the same types of standards? I am not religious or anything. There are certain things I don't want in my life. What are some of your standards? Edited March 17, 2021 by primer
normal person Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) I think all this says more about your friends' and their choices than it does your single status. I think you're just smart and reasonable, and I think it'll pay dividends for you eventually while your friends are likely to experience a lot of volatility and unhappiness with the decisions they've made. So think about it that way. In my eyes, anyone with a modicum of common sense would see the benefit in being single over being in a terrible relationship "just because." Edited March 17, 2021 by normal person 3
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 Your standards seem reasonable to me. I dated a separated guy once. It was annoying because I had to go on the rollercoaster that was his divorce with him. My standards were similar to yours. When I was younger I included I don't want somebody with kids. As I aged, I revised it to the kids must be young enough to be mine & there should only be 1 baby mamma, not multiple. I also wanted somebody with a career who was solvent. 1
SumGuy Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 52 minutes ago, primer said: Do you think your moral standards interfere with your dating prospects? While I don't want to lower my standards, I realize they play a big role in the reason I am single. For example: 1) My friend is engaged to her ex-boyfriend's uncle. I would not date my ex-boyfriend's uncle. 2) Another friend is living with a guy that was in prison for drugs and armed robbery. I would be afraid to get involved with that type of person. I hope for the best. 3) I won't date someone that is married or separated. I want a finalized divorce. 3) Ex's of my friends are off limits too. Do you have the same types of standards? I am not religious or anything. There are certain things I don't want in my life. What are some of your standards? Think I'm on the same page with you, but really do not see how that limits my dating prospects. Relatives of friends make up a vanishingly small percentage of the dating pool as does armed robbers. At my age there are separated people where the divorce may not be final for another 6 months, but they too are a small percentage (maybe 10% max), and married people just never came across one when trying to date. Ex's of friends is also a vanishingly small percentage of the dating pool. One standard I certainly have is no racists or anti-Semites, otherwise it is more about compatibility not so much standards. 2
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 Of course it's very reasonable. My list is longer than yours. I don't date men that drinks, use drugs, don't financially support their children. 3
central Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 I have the same kinds of limits - and more - but would (and often did) date someone who is separated with full intent to divorce. I also won't date racists, ex-cons, smokers, drug users/abusers, alcoholics, religious fanatics, the chronically unemployed, etc. I did not lack for dates. My criteria just made it easier to find the select few who were good matches and not waste time on others. 2
Author primer Posted March 17, 2021 Author Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Think I'm on the same page with you, but really do not see how that limits my dating prospects. Relatives of friends make up a vanishingly small percentage of the dating pool as does armed robbers. At my age there are separated people where the divorce may not be final for another 6 months, but they too are a small percentage (maybe 10% max), and married people just never came across one when trying to date. Ex's of friends is also a vanishingly small percentage of the dating pool. One standard I certainly have is no racists or anti-Semites, otherwise it is more about compatibility not so much standards. I live in a small, rural area. The town I live in has a population of 1,500. The county population is 13,000. Dating prospects are very limited here. Also - I am 53 years old. Edited to add: There are not a lot of morals around here. I joke with my single friends that we have to wait for widowers. Edited March 17, 2021 by primer
SumGuy Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 12 minutes ago, primer said: I live in a small, rural area. The town I live in has a population of 1,500. The county population is 13,000. Dating prospects are very limited here. Also - I am 53 years old. Edited to add: There are not a lot of morals around here. I joke with my single friends that we have to wait for widowers. The number of hits I got when searching on Match for women (age 45-60) within 20 miles of me (and I had fairly restrictive criteria) was over 2000, I'm mid 50's myself now. So very different dating world for me. I thought that rural midwest was all about morals? I actually grew up a good part of my life there, and for a time in an even smaller town of 300..where half the people were like my first cousins, but I was a kid and not interested in girls at that age. Yah you are in a very small pond indeed. Is there a larger city within an hour drive? That may be your best bet for meeting someone who meets your standards, which I think are very reasonable and a very low bar.
Miss Peach Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) I think we all need standards in dating to not waste out time attaching to people who won't be compatible. Nothing is wrong with that. Here are a few of mine. I am in a larger city and get asked out frequently so I made a long list to cut down on the dates. Very few men I meet seem to be able to meet this list. No multiple baby mamas Doesn't make a major mistakes multiple times Must make time for me Must get along with kiddo Should make life feel easier Self-sufficient financially Ambition. Ambition doesn't need to be for money or material goods. Personal growth and other paths are OK. Has own place - roommates OK (my city is expensive) Responsible with money Respects boundaries Willing to treat me and make me feel special No debt other than car or house payments Prefer single, divorced or widowed but might make an exception for separated if it's been filed and far in the process I have dated friend's exes but they were not serious ones and checked first. More like guys they rules out after a date or two. For some reason my city is like a small town and everyone seems to be within 1-2 degrees of separation from each other so I don't know if I could find people organically where they didn't have connections to someone I know. I need to add prison. That one has been alluded to once by a guy trying to pick me up. Edited March 17, 2021 by Miss Peach
dramafreezone Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 Some of those situations are reasonable to avoid, certainly guys that have been in prison, or who are married. But you're saying you would avoid a great guy because he's separated, he used to go out with a friend of yours, or is related to someone you used to date? I don't know what the moral violation is in these cases. Having preferences is fine, but I see all the time that people complain that they can't find a good man or woman, then come to find out they have so many rules about who they can't date. Understand that the more rules you have, the more your dating pool shrinks.
Versacehottie Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 2 hours ago, primer said: I live in a small, rural area. The town I live in has a population of 1,500. The county population is 13,000. Dating prospects are very limited here. Also - I am 53 years old. Edited to add: There are not a lot of morals around here. I joke with my single friends that we have to wait for widowers. I think you're standards sound perfectly fine (and as somewhat neutral bystander, very healthy & helpful toward your longer term happiness with a partner). I was going to guess that the area you are in greatly influences the choices you have available to you. Just a total numbers game as well as if you are the EXCEPTION to your friends, the area and people in it sound like it might be homogenous and made up of people that skew that direction (vs the standards and morals you have). My suggestion would be to widen your search, expand your friend group and hobbies so you are more likely to bump into people like you. And widen in general should help up the number of people you are "exposed" to so there will be a greater chance of bumping into someone that is different than what you normally find in your area. If it's really rural and nearest place is too far away to make dating feasible, I would suggest lots of travel where you have a chance to bump into a like-minded guy (short distances like weekend trips to Chicago, let's say and longer, more exotic trips). I would also consider a move Idk if you want to wait for widowers that have lived their lives with all these sorts of problems and gfs/wives who allow it. I just don't think they will be conditioned to appreciate who YOU are at that point in life. LOL ps grey area is friends' exes....if there REALLY is a spark there (in a rural area) I would advise considering it. Would only suggest if you really feel there is a good chance of success, little to no drama with the ex - gf and friend group, and clear it with her first IMO. Good luck
cleverusername Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Miss Peach said: Here are a few of mine "Few" might be a little bit of an understatement. But as long as it makes you happy Edited March 17, 2021 by cleverusername
notbroken Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 That's actually a short list of requirements and very reasonable. If you don't decide what you want then isn't it just a pure coincidence/luck if you get it? Stick to your list. Don't create one so long that no one could ever pass, but don't give up on things like not dating criminals, your best friend's ex, etc. If that list eliminates everyone in your area then you might need to date in a bigger city. 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 It's a good idea to have a list of red flags and deal breakers. Helps trim things down. Some people don't have the same deal breakers as you, but that's fine.
Author primer Posted March 17, 2021 Author Posted March 17, 2021 I have been told that my sisters and I think our shi# don't stink. It's not that. It's our morals.
Miss Peach Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 1 hour ago, cleverusername said: "Few" might be a little bit of an understatement. But as long as it makes you happy Haha. These are the things I've found to be issues or make me happy in previous relationships so I don't see why I shouldn't shoot for them. Finding a boyfriend hasn't been hard. I find it pretty easy to be coupled up for 3-5 years even with a few of these things present. The issue has been finding someone I can see in my life for 20-30+ years. 4
Versacehottie Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 36 minutes ago, primer said: I have been told that my sisters and I think our shi# don't stink. It's not that. It's our morals. Clearly you are playing to the wrong audience then.
mark clemson Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 As pointed out, OP, in your case your "morals" are probably saving you from lots of emotional harm, etc. Any larger communities within reasonable driving range? Expanding your search parameters to a 1-2 hour drive distance might help if there's a larger community you're near. Just a thought. 2
chillii Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 (edited) l do have things , very unusual and very hard to find , one in millions in fact , morals n views and ways , but that was ok, l didn't care l was never interested in the rest anyway or going out with 10 chicks a mth. lf l wound up single again though , cringe , l wouldn't like the odds of me finding someone else that has them. But there were also basics like that too like no more than 1 child if any and still in good shape, no ex's around and standard crap like that, even those were a challenge. Edited March 18, 2021 by chillii
basil67 Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 Regarding dating the exes of friends, may I suggest that some situations are worse than others? If a friend wants her ex banished from her life, then yeah, it's a no go. But what if they went on three dates 2 years ago, found incompatibility and both have well and truly moved on? I can't see why this would be an issue. 1
Dis Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 Tbh even those standards are still setting the bar really, really low 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 17 hours ago, primer said: 1) My friend is engaged to her ex-boyfriend's uncle. 2) Another friend is living with a guy that was in prison 3) I won't date someone that is married or separated. 3) Ex's of my friends are off limits These don't seem like any sort of moral high ground, vis-a-vis your acquaintances. They seem like fairly standard red flags. 2
Author primer Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 There are some bigger towns up to two hours away and I am willing to go that far. Heck, I am even open to moving eventually. Online dating is even hard because many men only want someone that lives near them now. 1
Author primer Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 8 hours ago, basil67 said: Regarding dating the exes of friends, may I suggest that some situations are worse than others? If a friend wants her ex banished from her life, then yeah, it's a no go. But what if they went on three dates 2 years ago, found incompatibility and both have well and truly moved on? I can't see why this would be an issue. Three dates two years ago is fine. I am talking ex-husbands, baby daddy, or long-term relationships.
Soul-shards Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 Of course these moral standards will narrow down your pool if you want a workable, convenient, socially-sanctioned relationship. The same way excluding people at the other end of the world work (geographic proximity mattes). There might be some people tout here you would make a phenomenal match with - but you weed them out from the start for convenience, just like you weed out some for moral principle. Then again, if you chance brings you close to one of those and sparks fly against your best judgement - then, good luck.
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