lifestyle1 Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 I lived with my bf for 5 years until this past friday (both 45 yrs old no kids 2gether) . I beleive he mfg's a fight and said he was leaving, wouldnt be home tonight, dont call, and he needed a few days. he paid 1/2 a share of the rent $500 but owes $1000 (which i paid in full on the 1st- and my requesting the money triggerd this fight) I thought that was a slap in the face right there. he left, returning when i was at work to take some stuff and telling my son he was going away for the weekend. he threatens to leave all the time. he left 1 year ago but was back in days, becuause he did not entirely unpack all of the boxes (which remained in our garage) he told himself that he hadnt fully moved back in. (distorted reality thathe told himself) he was in my bed in a few days, but stayed at his brothers as we sorted out our feelings, and back paying rent since Jan 05. well i was suspicious. i was alerted by a family member to watch my back and look at his phoine bill. when i went out of town, he was not home on a sunday eve at 12, he started working late, once i asked him why was he taking a n extra clean shirt and jeans to work (hes a carpenter) he got defensive and angry at me to divert the ?? But i recognized the behavior because we to began an affair 5 years ago and both of us left our marriages for each other. I know what to look for. I found a number and called it. I got monica ans machine. called another # and it turned out to be her husband (who she is divorcing) and he cinfimred the behavior, the phone numbers at all. I called her every hour on the hour and when she didnt answe I left messages on their reealing that he has herpes, drinks too much, uses coke, etc. the next morning she answered the ohone and we spoke. She said she had not splet with him, that they have had lunch a few times, and talked on the phone. He told her he was not living with me. he denied her by name and phone number. that is until she called him on saturday relaying all the crazy messages I left, and he said what are you doing? i ASKED are you ready to admit it then? he said he did nothing wrong. she was 27 and too young for him, they were just talking, and had no sexual relationship. I asked if it was nothing, why a 2nd date? why keep talking? he blamed me, of course. He had discovered that i was looking on match.com. he caught me, yes I did it. why? maybe instictively trying to look out for myself, i just looked, never intitiates anything. but he said, i did the same thing as him- i am in such pain, feeling equally the liar and cheat. feeling degraded as he verbally abused me telling me im a stupid bitch and a slut and whore. threatening to tell my young children my secrets. telling me there were alot of other women he could **** and he didnt need to take this **** from me. and yet i feel like its not yet over, like i would let him back into my life. his stuff is inthe garage. I still love him. so this is what Im doing to counter the vulnerable feelings. I went out and bought a whole new bedspread ensemble. I moved his possessions to the garage. I tell myself he did me a favor. i tell myself to keep busy, and i can afford this place and not to get into the fear. I made a monday appt with a therapist. I am also sleeping too much, crying, and sad in front of my kids age 7. 14, 13. i need help-
Hot Coco Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Ask yourself why you would want someone who speaks to you the way he did. And is he really a drug addict, alcoholic, etc? Why would you want that around your children?? It takes a LOT more than love to have a good relationship. As far as the cheating on you. Look at the circumstances under which you met. That's so classic. The MM who cheats with you turns around and cheats on YOU! What a loser this man is. Surely you can do better! Sounds like you realize this in some ways. I'd give him a date to pick up his stuff and if he doesn't I'd get rid of it. You'd be with a man who threatened to tell your CHILDREN about private stuff you did? He's pretty bad. About as bad as you can get! Hope you have the strength to get rid of this loser. Keep posting when you need support. Good luck!
allaboutchoices Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 You are doing the right thing, and you are doing great! You are aware of what is good and what is bad for you, and you know how to deal with it. You also know it will hurt for a while, but you are GONNA MAKE IT! Congratulations, you are doing awesome! (and also congrats on getting rid of a man who treats you like that)
Author lifestyle1 Posted October 16, 2005 Author Posted October 16, 2005 I do need help. I am journaling, have wote him a letter, which i am stopping myself from sending. the drug use was a friday after work deal $20 and the drinking is a 6pack a week or more. I indulged in the beginning to spend time with him and share, but I GREW PAST THAT. our sons work together at his nephews store. his neice works for me. his mother is listed as my childrens emergency contact. I have no family in CA and I am devastated. My 1 friend is 40 MI away, but is helpful. I am suffering so, who did i become: and what is it about me that got hooked with this man, destructive, dangerous man. I do have an addictive personality (diet pills) and wonder if this is an addiction i cant let go?
newbby Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 lifestyle, i feel for you. you must get rid of this guy for good. is there any way you can relocate and be nearer friends and family. i know it must be hard to start a new social life etc when you have children and are feeling depressed, but the sooner you get him out of your life the better you will feel. even if you have to be alone. it may seem now that you are better off with somebody in your life but it is far better to have noone than to be with someone who treats you like this. dont analyse why you were with him, just move on from him. decide you want a better life and go for it, in every way you can, starting by getting rid of this a**h***. you can do it.
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