he has not said 'i love you' after 10 months

[Alpacalia]

Examine whether you can accept his limits while also accepting his love in other ways. Overall, your relationship should inspire you to grow while also providing you with a sense of security and belonging.

[chillii]

l don;t understand you wondering what not quite there yet could mean. It obviously means he's not quite there yet, He likes you very very much and probably loves you in ways too but he isn't sure yet if he's actually in love, yet !!!!

lmo forget all these ridiculous twistings of terms and excuses, lf you can stand the heat he should be well on the way to there by now , just ask him, are you in love with me ? You need to know and it's only fair you do know.  

[winny]

If everything else is all right then I wouldn’t put so much stress on these 3 words. 

[ShyViolet]

On 3/20/2021 at 9:43 PM, heavenonearth said:

It quickly went into a conversation about how it is difficult for him to say certain things, talking about romantic things etc, and he brought up (again, sort of), how he just is not good with these things, and how he is doing his best showing me how much he wants to be with me, in his very own way, and that we are feeling the same just expressing it differently. He said he feels that I show a lot of my insecurities and complexities and he feels that right now I am not allowing him to show his. That when it comes to his complexities/insecurities, I immediately take it to heart or make it something about us. And he feels it is not fair to him. We talked about it and of course I reassured him that I want him to be himself and that I want to give him all the space/platform he needs to express himself. He also said that I cannot just get rid of him like this and that we are stuck together now and he wishes I was less insecure and would take him more for granted.. ? He also wrote he feels we need to learn to get used to what actually makes us different in the ways that we are. Anyway, then my friend came over so I could not say goodnight to him anymore as I spent my night with my friend. But he wrote me a really sweet good night message that was, again, very reassuring. 

I felt we were in a good place but I am so insecure right now and confused bc of the different things said on this thread. I feel I cannot act natural with him. I constantly have in my head that he is just using me until he finds something better. I am starting to see bad things in everything he says. Like it could have been so easy tonight to just reassure me by saying he loves me, but he did not. He said earlier today that he finds conventional romance "awkward" and he cannot identify with it.

After all this, he still won't say that he loves you.   I personally would walk away from a relationship where I had put my heart on the line, told a guy that I love him, and he refused to say it back.  All he has to say, even after all this talking, is that he's "not good with this stuff"?  I'm sorry but that's kinda ridiculous.  He doesn't love you.  If he did, he would say those simple three words.  He isn't feeling it, that's why he's not saying it.  Autism is not an excuse; autistic people are capable of love.  

I wouldn't be able to take the hurt of knowing the guy doesn't feel the same way I do.  You are stuck in a relationship that's not progressing, where the guy doesn't feel the same way that you do.  Is that really where you want to be?

[BaileyB]

My partner is not the kind of man to make a lot of romantic gestures. His love language, as you will, is definitely quality time. 

We’ve had this discussion... He asks me why I need him to say the words. I tell him that I am a woman - we like these things... He tells me that women are insecure. I’ve told him that I’m far from insecure, my desire to hear those words has nothing to do with insecurity. To me, it is a loving act. My family always says I love you, I never hang up the phone or say goodbye to a family member without saying those words. It’s become a source of humour for us, I’m about to make a picture for the bedroom that says “I love you...I know” (from Star Wars) because this is often how it goes... and then he will say, I love you too. 

I’m not asking him to change who he is when I ask him to say the words occasionally, I am asking him to do something for me because it is what I need. That’s what people do in loving relationships, they do things for the other because they want to please their partner. Similarly, I do things for him that are important to him, even when I don’t see the point. Many things. I do them because I love him, and it’s important to me that he is happy.

I think the more important issue here is that you have identified this as something you need and he is unwilling/unable to support you. It’s not like you have asked him to get a second job to support the family, you’ve asked him to say three simple words. If what he feels for you is love, it should be a no-brainer that he offer these words occasionally because they are important to you. And, because they will keep your relationship happy. 

Finally, I did say the words first. They kind of slipped out, it shocked both of us. The way it happened, I didn’t see him for a few days and I remember feeling like I was out on a limb. I was so relieved when I finally saw him, when he said the words to me. It would have really bothered me had he not said the words. Yes, there are many ways to show love... but, this is important - particularly in this moment. As I’ve said, you can and should adjust your expectations accordingly but he also needs to realize, he shouldn’t expect to be in a romantic relationship and never say those three little words... 

Edited March 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I am just home from my lunchtime walk and I found myself reflecting on your post Heaven. I will admit thatI have not read the entire discussion, but perhaps that gives me a different perspective. 

I just want to support and validate you Heaven, you are not wrong in wanting or expecting your partner to tell you that he loves you. 
 

Quote

He said he feels that I show a lot of my insecurities and complexities and he feels that right now I am not allowing him to show his. That when it comes to his complexities/insecurities, I immediately take it to heart or make it something about us. And he feels it is not fair to him. He also said that I cannot just get rid of him like this and that he wishes I was less insecure and would take him more for granted.. ? He also wrote he feels we need to learn to get used to what actually makes us different in the ways that we are. 

I worry when I read this that the message he is sending is that your expectations are unreasonable. You are not being insecure or unreasonable in expecting your romantic partner to tell you that he loves you. This feels like a bit of blame shifting to me. 

I have a friend who’s best relationship advice is to set your expectations low, and then you will never be disappointed. And while those are words to live by, I’m not sure that I know a woman who would be content to be in a relationship with a man who does not reciprocate when she tells the man she loves that she loves him. 

Of course, this is complicated because it’s only been ten months, it’s long distance, he has Autism... you must and you have set your expectations accordingly. And while there are many ways to show someone that you love them - words being only one - these words are really important. You are not wrong to expect your partner to say these words. Like any person, you want to feel secure in the fact that your romantic partner loves you without having to compile circumstantial evidence to convince yourself that he does. 

As was said above, I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is how low are you going to set those expectations and how patient are you prepared to be in this relationship... 

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[heavenonearth]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I am just home from my lunchtime walk and I found myself reflecting on your post Heaven. I will admit thatI have not read the entire discussion, but perhaps that gives me a different perspective. 
 

I worry when I read this that the message he is sending is that somehow you are wrong when you expect him to tell him that he loves you. 

I have a friend who’s best relationship advice is to set your expectations low, and then you will never be disappointed. And while those are words to live by, I’m not sure that I know a woman who would be content to be in a relationship with a man who does not reciprocate when she tells the man she loves that she loves him. 

Of course, this is complicated because it’s only been ten months, it’s long distance, he has Autism... you must and you have set your expectations accordingly. And while there are many ways to show someone that you love them - words being only one - these words are really important. You are not wrong to expect your partner to say these words. Like any person, you want to feel secure in the fact that your romantic partner loves you without having to compile circumstantial evidence to convince yourself that he does. 

As was said above, I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is how low are you going to set those expectations and how patient are you prepared to be in this relationship... 

 

First off, I never have verbalized to him that I expect him to tell me he loves me. I never said "Hey, I told you I loved you, when will you finally say it back?"
I also have not said it many times, so that he would feel pressured somehow, or get the impression that I expect him to say it ASAP,  or else.

The only time I said it to his face was the last time we saw each other in person. This was January 1st, and i told him in the last hours of us being together before I brought him to the airport. That was the, well, I guess one could say, slightly awkward moment where I said "I love you" and he replied the way he did (I wrote about it in this thread). I also then sort of shushed him and made him understand to not ruin the moment by talking about it, so technically, I gave him a feeling of me having patience with him for not being there yet. So far, so good. Given there is a distance between us, and he is incredibly awkward about, for example, video chatting (still is, but got better at it), I guess I can kind of understand why he has not said it back yet. We are not face to face, and maybe it would change the next time we see each other? I can definitely see him not being able to say it on a distance, but rather face to face, when we also have physical intimacy. I guess the best I can do at this point is wait until we see each other again and see if he will be saying it. I like to think that the past 3 months apart have brought us closer together in our bond (there is constant progression, contrary to what others have said on here). We had a lot of intimate talks and understand each other better now. We feel more at ease in many situations and conflict/misunderstandings lessen. We are more in tune, as one would say.

So the thing you quoted from my post, about me not giving him enough room for his complexities, is a bit more many-faceted than expecting an "i love you". In fact, expecting an "i love you" was not even part of that conversation, because we never discussed this phrase with regards to us in specific. I have a feeling that will happen in the near future, though. And I look forward to that discussion, it will bring clarity. The words are important to me, and I think that it will be very important for me to hear them. I feel loved, so I am not worried about that, but if he cannot say the words, like ever, then it will be a problem down the road, for sure. I wish it wasn't like that, but ... as many have said, yes, it is important.

 

[heavenonearth]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

After all this, he still won't say that he loves you.   I personally would walk away from a relationship where I had put my heart on the line, told a guy that I love him, and he refused to say it back.  All he has to say, even after all this talking, is that he's "not good with this stuff"?  I'm sorry but that's kinda ridiculous.  He doesn't love you.  If he did, he would say those simple three words.  He isn't feeling it, that's why he's not saying it.  Autism is not an excuse; autistic people are capable of love.  

I wouldn't be able to take the hurt of knowing the guy doesn't feel the same way I do.  You are stuck in a relationship that's not progressing, where the guy doesn't feel the same way that you do.  Is that really where you want to be?

Again, i do not think that I am stuck in a relationship that is not progressing, just because he has not said those words. I feel we are progressing every day. There are a lot of aspects to a relationship that will help you progress together.

If you really think he does not love me, then why would he show his love in so many other ways?

I still have to admit the posts here that say he does not love me make me really insecure, because so far I had not truly doubted his love. And these posts did.
I really hope you're wrong. I guess I will find out in the coming months.

[poppyfields]

Good stuff from BaileyB, both posts.

I also felt he was blame shifting in a sense making heaven feel "wrong" for needing to hear the words.  

To clarify my position, heaven you are not wrong, nor is he for not being ready to say.

I do believe at 10 months in you have uncovered a basic incompatibility in communication styles and something's gotta give from both of you otherwise there isn't a snowball's chance in hell your relationship is gonna work out long term.

Edited March 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

Something that happened recently was we were video chatting and he randomly put on a song called "I love you forever" (in his language) and he said "it is a very romantic song" and he got shy (as usual on video chat) and we just looked at each other and smiled. Another thing he has said, when we discussed our mutual investment in this, was that all the energy he puts into us come from a place of "love and commitment". (He sometimes says things in an awkward way, we speak English with each other but it is neither mine nor his native language).

[heavenonearth]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Good stuff from BaileyB, both posts.

I also felt he was blame shifting in a sense making heaven feel "wrong" for needing to hear the words.  

To clarify my position, heaven you are not wrong, nor is he for not being ready to say.

I do believe at 10 months in you have uncovered a basic incompatibility in communication styles and something's gotta give from both of you otherwise there isn't a snowball's chance in hell your relationship is gonna work out long term.

We have really good communication, we have really good talks all the time, especially when it comes to us. We have, however, very different love languages. Words of affirmation is my number one love language and his is quality time.

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

If you really think he does not love me, then why would he show his love in so many other ways?

Exactly, which begs the question, why are you so stuck on hearing the words at 10 months in?  

Not all women do, I don't, it's not a requirement for feeling loved, cherished, safe and happy.

That's not to say hearing them on occasion isn't special, it is, but the way folks toss them out so capriciously, I'd rather he not say at all, and just show me through actions. 

Anyway, doesn't matter, we're just going round in circles, wish you the best heaven, hope it all works out the way you hope.

 

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Exactly, which begs the question, why are you so stuck on hearing the words at 10 months in?  

Not all women do, I don't, it's not a requirement for feeling loved, cherished, safe and happy.

That's not to say hearing them on occasion isn't special, it is, but the way folks toss them out so capriciously, I'd rather he not say at all, and just show me through actions. 

Anyway, doesn't matter, we're just going round in circles, wish you the best heaven, hope it all works out the way you hope.

 

 

YES, I guess so. I will have to just wait until we see each other again. 

[hippychick3]

9 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

Something that happened recently was we were video chatting and he randomly put on a song called "I love you forever" (in his language) and he said "it is a very romantic song" and he got shy (as usual on video chat) and we just looked at each other and smiled. Another thing he has said, when we discussed our mutual investment in this, was that all the energy he puts into us come from a place of "love and commitment". (He sometimes says things in an awkward way, we speak English with each other but it is neither mine nor his native language).

This is usually a precursor to saying “I love you.” They are getting more comfortable using that word. My partner used these kinds of phrases/clues for a few weeks before he said he loved me. It’s a good sign! 

[divegrl]

Hi!

Not sure if this will help, but I too, have a really hard time communicating my emotions + feelings. 
 

After working with a therapist, I learned that the place in the brain where we “feel” an emotion.... is completely different then the part of our brain needed to “label the emotion”. One is the emotional center and the other governs rational thinking  

Basically, when we have to label an emotion it disrupts it’s raw intensity. 
 

So your boyfriend, may very well be feeling love... but really from a neuroscience point of view... legitimately not be able to say certain words.  
 

Hope this helps!

 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Exactly, which begs the question, why are you so stuck on hearing the words at 10 months in?  

Her love language number 1 is Words of affirmation

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

 We have, however, very different love languages. Words of affirmation is my number one love language and his is quality time.

How long in the relationship did he mention being on the spectrum?

As a woman with her number 1 love language being words of affirmation did it cross your mind that a man with his condition may never be able to fill that love language for you? How soon in the relationship did you come aware  he never was in love before and never said ILY before?

[Angelle]

On 3/18/2021 at 7:58 PM, Happy Lemming said:

I could toss it out there like I was asking you what the weather was outside. 

Just words..  I used to use "You are so great, I think I'm falling in love with you."  That was my canned phrase if she was almost ready to sleep with me and I needed that little push to get her panties off.

Well, that's depressing. 

[heavenonearth]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long in the relationship did he mention being on the spectrum?

As a woman with her number 1 love language being words of affirmation did it cross your mind that a man with his condition may never be able to fill that love language for you? How soon in the relationship did you come aware  he never was in love before and never said ILY before?

We discussed the Asperger for the first time in the fall. He told me he never told anyone he loved them when we were discussing past relationships the second time we saw each other (in summer). 

He actually has been adapting to my love language the past months. He calls me by 2 cute nicknames all the time that he naturally came up with, and makes me a lot of compliments, something he never did the first 6-7 months of us dating. I actually have seen an increase in compliments over the past month even. 

[Alpacalia]

You're both adults, in my opinion, and you can own your role in allowing things to rumble on and learn from the experience, as well as allowing things to develop at their own pace. Unless this proves to be more fantasy-driven, in which case you may find that you crave genuine intimacy and knowing where you stand.

[Gaeta]

Well, Heaven. He must be hot, because if I needed words of affirmation (and I do just like you) I would not date someone with autism. It's almost like you're shopping yourself a challenge. 

[heavenonearth]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Well, Heaven. He must be hot, because if I needed words of affirmation (and I do just like you) I would not date someone with autism. It's almost like you're shopping yourself a challenge. 

Ha. Well, he is very good looking and exactly my type, but he also is very cute and has a very strong lisp and is very clumsy and very kind, fair and supportive, loyal and honest... so kinda feel like i am stuck with him, as he said.  CAN'T HELP WHO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH.

Edited March 22, 2021 by heavenonearth

[chillii]

12 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

Again, i do not think that I am stuck in a relationship that is not progressing, just because he has not said those words. I feel we are progressing every day. There are a lot of aspects to a relationship that will help you progress together.

If you really think he does not love me, then why would he show his love in so many other ways?

I still have to admit the posts here that say he does not love me make me really insecure, because so far I had not truly doubted his love. And these posts did.
I really hope you're wrong. I guess I will find out in the coming months.

 

Thing is , some people and l've noticed guys a lot with this , still make a point of treating someone really nicely and lovingly but to me it's often so that she can't say he didn't do this or that or he was an ah or whatever , he covers he's arse, so all that nice still may not mean he's actually in love. ln his case l mean he does sound like he cares a lot about you though and as l said l'm sure he does actually love you in ways too , but all this dodging and silly explanations , l don't think he's feeling actually in love, well not yet anyway. Maybe he will in time, don't know , time is up to you.

 

 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by chillii

[Negotaurus]

Just a question for you Heaven, what are you looking for in this thread? We will all gladly keep chatting with you, we want to hear you out and see where your head is at, but what's your true goal here? I still get the vibe you are so desperately trying to prove to everybody, and yourself, that "it's all ok and it's going to work". 

[Happy Lemming]

Is it a necessity that he "fall in love" with the OP?? 

If he treats her well and they get along great, does it really matter whether or not he feels he is in love??