he has not said 'i love you' after 10 months

[Gaeta]

he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some

I view this as he purposely reached to Heaven because she was 500km away. It's convenient. it's what he wanted.

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some

I view this as he purposely reached to Heaven because she was 500km away. It's convenient. it's what he wanted.

Exactly Gaeta, it's what I just posted (my last few posts).  She was actually 700 km at the time.

We (I) have been focusing on him not saying those "three magic words" when the bigger issue is he needs and feel more comfortable with distance and Heather needs more togetherness.

Once they get vaccinated and the opportunity to spend more in person time together presents itself (Heaven mentioned 3 weekends per month), it will be interesting to see what happens.

 

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Anyway, not worth debating about, there are bigger issues for Heaven to consider and address with him which I just posted about

Yes I noticed that too and thought it rather an odd thing to say for someone who is supposed to want a future where the long distance is closed.
It may explain his reluctance to say the L word.
Many people want to be in LDRs as they don't want to be in a normal close relationship with a partner.
I guess it is one reason why they very often fail.
 

 

[Gaeta]

@heavenonearth: Who started the conversation about living together down the road? Is it really a shared wish or it's more your wish? And be honest with yourself. Because living together does not coincide at all with what he told you last night. 

 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Exactly Gaeta, it's what I just posted (my last few posts).  She was actually 700 km at the time.

We (I) have been focusing on him not saying those "three magic words" when the bigger issue is he needs and feel more comfortable with distance and Heather needs more togetherness.

Once they get vaccinated and the opportunity to spend more in person time together presents itself (Heaven mentioned 3 weekends per month), it will be interesting to see what happens.

 

I agree, the difference is you put this on him having his heart in the right place but needing more space.

I put this on him having a hidden agenda. 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes I noticed that too and thought it rather an odd thing to say for someone who is supposed to want a future where the long distance is closed.
It may explain his reluctance to say the L word.
Many people want to be in LDRs as they don't want to be in a normal close relationship with a partner.
I guess it is one reason why they very often fail.

I agree with this.   That him not saying the L word and his need for distance are related.

Re the bolded, these LDRs fail because one person needs more in-person together time and expects the distance gap to close at some point (Heather), and the other is perfectly fine with the distance and has no intention of closing the gap (her boyfriend)

But when both are okay with the distance and actually more suited for it, such relationships can work out great.

 

 

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I agree, the difference is you put this on him having his heart in the right place but needing more space.

I put this on him having a hidden agenda. 

Not anymore.  I just posted I think him not being able to say the L word and his need for distance are very much related.

I hate to think he has a hidden agenda, but it's possible.

Damn, I am really sorry Heather.

 

 

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@heavenonearth: Who started the conversation about living together down the road? Is it really a shared wish or it's more your wish? And be honest with yourself. Because living together does not coincide at all with what he told you last night. 

 

No one started it really. It just is something that comes up pretty organically whenever we talk about the future. Some of it is more practical (as in possibly within the next year and a half, a cute tiny apartment in his city, hopefully near a place that sells yum falafel), other stuff a bit more dreamy (as in, let's shoot for the red wooden house in the forest with the cabin to make music in and enough rooms for the kids and pets, etc). 

 

[heavenonearth]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Exactly Gaeta, it's what I just posted (my last few posts).  She was actually 700 km at the time.

We (I) have been focusing on him not saying those "three magic words" when the bigger issue is he needs and feel more comfortable with distance and Heather needs more togetherness.

Once they get vaccinated and the opportunity to spend more in person time together presents itself (Heaven mentioned 3 weekends per month), it will be interesting to see what happens.

 

We both can't wait to see each other more frequently. 

[heavenonearth]

37 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

He said he wasn't quite there with respect to saying it, not feeling it, I believe Heaven clarified that.  

Anyway, not worth debating about, there are bigger issues for Heaven to consider and address with him which I just posted about.

I truly hate to say this Heaven, but I don't envision things ending well for you, again I hope I am wrong, not because he can't say the L word, but because of what I just posted about.  You need more togetherness, he needs more distance.  I am sorry to say that.

 

Ok not sure where you get this from that he needs more distance. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

No one started it really. It just is something that comes up pretty organically whenever we talk about the future. Some of it is more practical (as in possibly within the next year and a half, a cute tiny apartment in his city, hopefully near a place that sells yum falafel), other stuff a bit more dreamy (as in, let's shoot for the red wooden house in the forest with the cabin to make music in and enough rooms for the kids and pets, etc). 

 

So when you 2 live in an apartment how is he going to generate that space he needs for his feeling of closeness to grow? That's what he told you. When you'll be close you'll lose some of that close connection but it's ok it will be back with the distance you'll have following that. 

 

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

We both can't wait to see each other more frequently. 

So he says.  The true test will be when the opportunity to do so actually presents itself.

Just out of curiosity, when he made the below statement, how did you interpret it?  I mean you asked if he thinks your bond will be stronger when you're both finally in the same place and he essentially shot that down!  Saying no, you may lose some of the bond.  How did you respond to that?

>>i asked him today if he thinks our bond would be stronger if we were in the same place. he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some. and then we gain some from the distance in other ways. 

 

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

We are 500 km apart now (used to be 700 before I moved). And no, we do not prefer minimal in person contact, but because we are both sort of good on our own, it is not difficult to maintain or grow a bond for us on a distance. i asked him today if he thinks our bond would be stronger if we were in the same place. he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some. and then we gain some from the distance in other ways. if/when you ask me to compare like that, i will say it is the same but maybe in different ways'. I

This is a VERY weird response that he gave you.  You asked him if he thinks you'd form a stronger bond if you were together in person and he said "NO"?  The essence of a relationship is being together in person.  This chatting via Skype and on the phone is just a substitute for the real thing.  He seems content to have you at a distance.  That is not a good sign for the relationship.  You seem very enchanted by the idea of him, by the fantasy of having this fairytale life together.  It doesn't seem to be compatible with reality.

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

Ok not sure where you get this from that he needs more distance. 

Because of what he said about losing the strong bond you share now (when there is distance), when you're finally in the same place (less distance).

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So he says.  The true test will be when the opportunity to do so actually presents itself.

Just out of curiosity, when he made the below statement, how did you interpret it?  I mean you asked if he thinks your bond will be stronger when you're both finally in the same place and he essentially shot that down!  Saying no, you may lose some of the bond.  How did you respond to that?

>>i asked him today if he thinks our bond would be stronger if we were in the same place. he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some. and then we gain some from the distance in other ways. 

 

he meant that if we were living in the same place, we may have other ways of bonding, and that by being on a distance we may lose some of those ways, but he thinks we also gain a lot by being on a distance, so it's plus minus zero in the end. he basically thinks that if we were in the same place we would have the same kind of bond, that it would not be stronger or weaker. 

[hippychick3]

On 3/17/2021 at 12:00 PM, introverted1 said:

This is fairly short distance that could be easily covered with a 4 hour-ish drive.  Are covid restrictions keeping you apart or is there more to it than that?

This is true. My fiancé and I were long distance for 7 years until he moved in with me last September. So even during the first part of Covid (March - September), we still saw each every weekend and always drove. It was usually a 3 hour trip but could be as much as 4 hours with traffic. I do not understand why he’s not driving to see you more often. 

[heavenonearth]

2 minutes ago, hippychick3 said:

This is true. My fiancé and I were long distance for 7 years until he moved in with me last September. So even during the first part of Covid (March - September), we still saw each every weekend and always drove. It was usually a 3 hour trip but could be as much as 4 hours with traffic. I do not understand why he’s not driving to see you more often. 

BECAUSE WE ARE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AND THERE IS A BORDER BETWEEN US THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO CROSS! And in order for him to cross that border, he needs to jump through a lot of hoops, bureaucratic and financial, which is just realistically not feasible at the moment. Both our countries are risk zones and have strong laws with regard to travel.

Also, he does not have a car. They are talking about restrictions changing early April, he looks it up all the time and says he can't wait to plan our next visit. 

Edited March 18, 2021 by heavenonearth

[hippychick3]

Just now, heavenonearth said:

BECAUSE WE ARE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AND THERE IS A BORDER BETWEEN US THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO CROSS! And in order for him to cross that border, he needs to jump through a lot of hoops, bureaucratic and financial, which is just realistically not feasible at the moment. Also, he does not have a car. They are talking about restrictions changing early April, he looks it up all the time and says he can't wait to plan our next visit. 

Okay, I did not realize there was a border issue. I’m not sure why you have to yell.  

[ShyViolet]

11 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

he meant that if we were living in the same place, we may have other ways of bonding, and that by being on a distance we may lose some of those ways, but he thinks we also gain a lot by being on a distance, so it's plus minus zero in the end. he basically thinks that if we were in the same place we would have the same kind of bond, that it would not be stronger or weaker. 

This makes no sense.  It's a basic truth about relationships that being together in person is better, and is what develops a true bond.  Doing the long-distance thing is a poor substitute.  For someone to see no difference between the two, and to say that one is not better than the other, is a weird sign that maybe he doesn't have a strong desire to be with you in person, doesn't physically miss you.  Why is he even your "boyfriend" then, it sounds like he's more of a friend.  He enjoys talking to you.  You also said earlier that you and him are both "not that big on sex."  And not to mention, your whole reason that you started this post, he is not saying that he loves you.  You say it, and he doesn't say it back.  It sounds more like you're friends.

Edited March 18, 2021 by ShyViolet

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

 

.

Edited March 18, 2021 by ShyViolet
accidentally quoted my own post

[heavenonearth]

22 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This makes no sense.  It's a basic truth about relationships that being together in person is better, and is what develops a true bond.  Doing the long-distance thing is a poor substitute.  For someone to see no difference between the two, and to say that one is not better than the other, is a weird sign that maybe he doesn't have a strong desire to be with you in person, doesn't physically miss you.  Why is he even your "boyfriend" then, it sounds like he's more of a friend.  He enjoys talking to you.  You also said earlier that you and him are both "not that big on sex."  And not to mention, your whole reason that you started this post, he is not saying that he loves you.  You say it, and he doesn't say it back.  It sounds more like you're friends.

He is my boyfriend because he wants to be, we are trying to build a relationship. He tells me all the time that he physically misses me. 

[Gaeta]

@heavenonearth What is your gut feeling telling you on the ILY issue?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

He tells me all the time that he physically misses me. 

I am sure he does miss you, that's all part of why some people prefer distance.  The missing, the longing.  

Extremely powerful emotions however they are not love which may explain why he can't say it.

I don't mean to be such a negative nellie but all of what you've posted suggests he may have a fear of intimacy/closeness.  The physical distance keeps him emotionally safe from that.  The not being into sex suggests this also.  Which I find extremely telling tbh and a bit troubling. 

Sex is a powerful bonding mechanism (physically, emotionally, and spiritually for some people) and to "not be into it" I find extremely strange for a man in love with a woman.  But par for the course I suppose with everything else that's happening.

Anyway, it's obvious you have no intention of ending this relationship, so continue forward, try to stay positive while also remaining realistic and open to the possibility things may crumble once the distance gap closes.  It has been known to happen in these types of relationships, not saying it will, only to be open to the possibility.  

Like I said, the true test will come after you both get vaccinated and the opportunity to spend more in-person time together and close the gap presents itself.

I hope it works out for you Heather, you seem like a lovely person with a big heart and lots of love to give.

Please keep us posted.

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

 

Quote

“He said he never told anyone that he loved them before and that he has never been in love before.”

Maybe you have to ask yourself:

Should (or can) you feel at ease knowing that you're emotionally in one place while he's in another, and that he might not be capable of romantic love for another individual?

Edited March 18, 2021 by Alpaca

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@heavenonearth What is your gut feeling telling you on the ILY issue?

I hope and feel he will say it the next time we see each other or perhaps within the next few visits.