poppyfields Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) >>"He said he never been so invested in anyone before. And he said he never felt so close to someone before..." After reading this^ and your last post clarifying, I am now seriously wondering what the issue for you is? He sounds lovely, very caring and nurturing, jmo but I think you should enjoy what you have with this man, it sounds very special. Nevermind the actual words "I love you," the words quoted above combined with his actions say it all. Edited March 17, 2021 by poppyfields
Author heavenonearth Posted March 17, 2021 Author Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: >>"He said he never been so invested in anyone before. And he said he never felt so close to someone before..." After reading this^ and your two last posts, I am now seriously wondering what the issue for you is? He sounds lovely, very caring and nurturing, jmo but I think you should enjoy what you have with this man, it sounds very special. Nevermind the actual words "I love you," the words quoted above say it all. Yeah... and I guess deep in my heart I know this too, and I do feel at ease with him, which is actually quite surprising to me because I used to have the worst abandonment issues in all my previous relationships... And I never thought I could feel safe in a distance relationship without jealousy and such. I guess everything is perfect except for the three magical words. Maybe especially because it is all so perfect, makes me wonder why it is so hard for him to say it. I just wish he could... Maybe I need to stop waiting for it and maybe then it will come one day when I least expect it... but also dont want to have that expectation, in case he will never say it, I guess. Hard to get into that mindset for me. I really enjoy saying it to him, and would be feeling more free for me to say it knowing he could say it back. Edit: Not expecting him to say it back every time, but I guess if he would say it at least once, then it would feel more freeing for me to say it also. I just am scared i will pressure him whenever i say it, when really i just want to express how i feel and it is important to me to say it. Edited March 17, 2021 by heavenonearth
poppyfields Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 (edited) It's interesting how different we all are - I would much rather have a man (boyfriend) say "I have never felt so close to a woman before" than tell me he loves me. That phrase ILY gets thrown around far too often imo, often with no meaning behind the words. I have heard of men saying it to their girlfriends, never to be seen or heard from again or otherwise treating them like garbage, but I guess in a woman's mind, she's like "oh he told me he loves me " and that's all that matters. But a man telling me he's never felt so close to a woman before? Meaning me? Got chills just thinking about it. Anyway, hope you're able to work it all out Heaven, keep us posted. Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields 3
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 1 hour ago, heavenonearth said: Sometimes people who live in the same city date for two months and then move in together and stay together for many years and are compatible just like that. I personally do not believe in that. If you know someone that moved in after 2 months and made it to 20 years they are the exception, not the norm. Back to your original post, your boyfriend said to you *he's not quite there* which means he's not feeling *in love* yet. He can feel close, connected, secure but....still it's not the same as being *in love*. Was he in love with his exs? How long it took him to feel in love with them? 1
Author heavenonearth Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: I personally do not believe in that. If you know someone that moved in after 2 months and made it to 20 years they are the exception, not the norm. Back to your original post, your boyfriend said to you *he's not quite there* which means he's not feeling *in love* yet. He can feel close, connected, secure but....still it's not the same as being *in love*. Was he in love with his exs? How long it took him to feel in love with them? He said he never told anyone that he loved them before and that he has never been in love before.
Author heavenonearth Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 26 minutes ago, poppyfields said: It's interesting how different we all are - I would much rather have a man (boyfriend) say "I have never felt so close to a woman before" than tell me he loves me. That phrase ILY gets thrown around far too often imo, often with no meaning behind the words. I have heard of men saying it to their girlfriends, never to be seen or heard from again or otherwise treating them like garbage, but I guess in a woman's mind, she's like "oh he told me he loves me " and that's all that matters. But a man telling me he's never felt so close to a woman before? Meaning me? Got chills just thinking about it. Anyway, hope you're able to work it all out Heaven, keep us posted. Yeh, I know. I keep telling myself that as well. Literally every guy who ever told me they loved me hurt me in one way or another. Usually way before the 10 month mark. My current bf couldn't hurt a fly. And I do feel ILY does not mean EVERYTHING. But I guess when all the signs of love are there, then I don't get why is it so hard to say it. I will have to do some meditation on this, trying to expel this stupid idea (of ILY being so freaking important) from my head.
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: He said he never told anyone that he loved them before and that he has never been in love before. ah ok, that's important information. How long was his longest relationship? Edited March 18, 2021 by Gaeta
Author heavenonearth Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: ah ok, that's important information. How long was his longest relationship? 3 years with the girl he was with before me. They broke up a bit over a year before he met me.
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 So if we put 2 and 2 together He stayed with a woman he did not fell in love with for 3 years. Here you are 10 months in and he's still not feeling in love. 4 1
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 7 hours ago, heavenonearth said: He is also 100% emotionally available. I have never met someone who was this emotionally available. We talk so openly and honestly about how we feel all the time and he never lies to me and never would say anything that he didn't mean. He is always available to me and always wants to understand everything and talk about everything, it is very crucial to him. In bold. So when he tells you *he's not feeling in love yet* you have no choice but to believe him 100% 1
Author heavenonearth Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: In bold. So when he tells you *he's not feeling in love yet* you have no choice but to believe him 100% He didn't say that he didn't feel in love yet. He said he can't say it yet. Not sure if it is the same thing. I don't know.
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 Just now, heavenonearth said: He didn't say that he didn't feel in love yet. He said he can't say it yet. Not sure if it is the same thing. I don't know. Ask him. Would you be ok with him never saying it? His ex probably thought he was a great boyfriend so it was impossible for him to not love her. History tells you he was never in love with her. I don't want to scare you, I just want you to consider every possibility.
Author heavenonearth Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: So if we put 2 and 2 together He stayed with a woman he did not fell in love with for 3 years. Here you are 10 months in and he's still not feeling in love. He made this very clear to me from the beginning. When he met her, they got along great and even though his gut told him that she was not 'the one', he still pursued it because he rationalized it by thinking they get along, why not? They had a sexless relationship and he did not feel at ease. He ended it because he realized he did not see it going anywhere and they were not a good match. He said that when he met me, it was instantly different. That his gut told him that he wants to be with me. That he instantly fell for me in a romantic way. When we finally met and the sexual chemistry was there too, he was really suprised (and me too), because we both had intimacy issues in the past / are both demisexual. He said pursuing me was the first time he did not try to rationalize something but to actually listen to his gut. And now when we talk about this sort of stuff, he just says how he feels we are very compatible, that he really loves being intimate with me and that he feels we have a strong bond that can't easily be broken. Also have to say he has not had many experiences prior to his ex-girlfriend, be it relationship wise or sex wise.
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 He sure butter it thick for a guy that has no experience with women. 3
Author heavenonearth Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Ask him. Would you be ok with him never saying it? His ex probably thought he was a great boyfriend so it was impossible for him to not love her. History tells you he was never in love with her. I don't want to scare you, I just want you to consider every possibility. I think I will wait what happens the next time we see each other. Maybe he will say it. If not, I will perhaps bring it up. Even though we talk a lot about our feelings over the phone/facetime, I definitely don't want to bring this up unless in person. It is crucial to me that I will be able to feel his physical reaction to the conversation, too. We are very cuddly with each other, and it always makes me feel good to have him close when there is a difficult talk happening. I am not sure what his ex thought and I don't know how their relationship was. He said that at the 1,5 year mark and onwards they were fighting a lot and there were many issues, esp because of the intimacy. But I can't know how their dynamic was, because I was not there, and all I know is what he tells me. I think it ended pretty badly bc they decided to open up the relationship so she could be intimate with other people but then she ended up meeting someone else, I think. I never asked much about it bc I don't really like prying on my partner's previous relationships unless they want to open up to me on their own. Just prefer it this way.
Author heavenonearth Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: He sure butter it thick for a guy that has no experience with women. What do you mean?
poppyfields Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: He didn't say that he didn't feel in love yet. He said he can't say it yet. Not sure if it is the same thing. I don't know. I can tell you from personal experience those three words are very difficult for some people (both men and women) to say when they truly mean them. It's makes us feel vulnerable and exposed, which may be why he's not able to say or feels uncomfortable saying just yet. This is not uncommon, I myself have difficulty expressing "I love you," I can totally relate to that discomfort. Reading your post Heaven detailing all the kind, caring wonderful things he does for you, on a consistent basis, telling you he's never been so invested, never felt so close to a woman before, to me THIS is what love is. Not "I love you," which like I said, people often toss out because it's what they think they need to say, but often don't mean, not truly. My feeling is it's the exact opposite of what you're thinking. He feels such an abundance of love for you, he's feeling vulnerable and exposed, let him work his way towards you, towards expressing his love for you in words, give him time, he will get there. JMO. Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields 2
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 2 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: What do you mean? He seems to tell you all the right things. Everything he tells you my ex told me. Things like he couldn't have casual sex, he could only do it with women he had feeling for, how he felt an instant connection for me, how unique I am. etc etc etc. Turns out he was screwing around the 5 years we were together. I am not saying your boyfriend is lying to you BUT please keep in mind because this is a long distance relationship you ONLY have his version of things and reality may be something a bit different.
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I can tell you from personal experience those three words are very difficult for some people (both men and women) to say when they truly mean them. Remember, she said this man is the most emotionally available man she has ever met, he speaks of his feelings abundantly and freely. If he felt love, he would express it with wordsl.
poppyfields Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Remember, she said this man is the most emotionally available man she has ever met, he speaks of his feelings abundantly and freely. If he felt love, he would express it with wordsl. Gaeta you don't know that and I think you're projecting, I'm sorry to say that. I am too probably, so let's try and stay positive, her boyfriend sounds wonderful from what she's written and appears to love her very much but just not quite ready to expose himself to the vulnerability associated with actually expressing those words to her. Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields 2
Author heavenonearth Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Remember, she said this man is the most emotionally available man she has ever met, he speaks of his feelings abundantly and freely. If he felt love, he would express it with wordsl. He is pretty bad with words tho. That's the thing. Verbal affection is not something he is good at. He is emotionally available in the sense that he is always there for me. For example if I am sad about something and am crying, he does not mind that I am crying and always tries to make me feel better or reassure me, etc. He does this with quality time, which I think is his love language (whereas mine is words of affirmation). It took him so many months to even say he misses me, but now he says it all the time. Or to give me a nickname, and now he uses it all the time... etc. Or just making compliments, like telling me I am pretty, etc. He has his way of doing it (usually emojis), but he is getting better at it, and I can see he is doing it bc he knows I like it but also bc I think maybe he is just feeling at ease and it comes easier to him now? at least i hope so. Edited March 18, 2021 by heavenonearth
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 I don't see how I am projecting, I never had issues with being told ILY or saying ILY. I am simply being logic. Men with communication difficulties yes I can see it a challenge. A man talking about his feelings abundantly and freely ALL THE TIME, can't say ILY because of some vulnerability? Nah, he's not saying it because he's not feeling it and he's not a liar, he won't say something he doesn't feel. He is being honest here. 1
poppyfields Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: I don't see how I am projecting, I never had issues with being told ILY or saying ILY. I am simply being logic. Men with communication difficulties yes I can see it a challenge. A man talking about his feelings abundantly and freely ALL THE TIME, can't say ILY because of some vulnerability? Nah, he's not saying it because he's not feeling it and he's not a liar, he won't say something he doesn't feel. He is being honest here. I edited my post, I am projecting too. Anyway, agree to disagree and @Heaven I wish you the best of luck.
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2021 Posted March 18, 2021 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He seems to tell you all the right things. Everything he tells you my ex told me. Things like he couldn't have casual sex, he could only do it with women he had feeling for, how he felt an instant connection for me, how unique I am. etc etc etc. Turns out he was screwing around the 5 years we were together. I am not saying your boyfriend is lying to you BUT please keep in mind because this is a long distance relationship you ONLY have his version of things and reality may be something a bit different. @heavenonearth Please ignore my post above. I'm getting over a breakup involving cheating so I tend to see it everywhere. Yes your boyfriend sounds lovely I agree with @poppyfields. He makes you happy that's what important, I would not leave a relationship that makes me this happy. Give it more time and see how things are at 1 year mark. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted March 18, 2021 Author Posted March 18, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @heavenonearth Please ignore my post above. I'm getting over a breakup involving cheating so I tend to see it everywhere. Yes your boyfriend sounds lovely I agree with @poppyfields. He makes you happy that's what important, I would not leave a relationship that makes me this happy. Give it more time and see how things are at 1 year mark. Ok, well, is ok... I mean you both are playing devils advocate. Certainly my boyfriend is not that type, he's super loyal and would never cheat, would rather leave our relationship before getting involved with someone else. Definitely think that what we have is super important tho, and he would not jeopardize it. I will report back after our next meet up where we are at, if he said it or not, I suppose. Edited March 18, 2021 by heavenonearth 1
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