Gaeta Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: Oi I didn’t read this is long distance too. Sorry. Somehow that makes this all make a lot more sense to me Different countries and something like 10 hour drive. 1
poppyfields Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: When I read this the movie *The Matrix* came in mind. Long distance with 3-4 visits a year, it's like living a relationship in your head. Agree, that's the bigger issue imo.
Gaeta Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 But the real issue here is not so much he didn't say ILY. The real issue is Heaven not feeling secure enough in this relationship to simply ASK where he's standing. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Different countries and something like 10 hour drive. Not surprised at all he’s not fully committing Edited March 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Gaeta Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: Not surprised at all he’s not committing The plan is she is moving there. Where you been in the past 13 pages? lol 1
poppyfields Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: But the real issue here is not so much he didn't say ILY. The real issue is Heaven not feeling secure enough in this relationship to simply ASK where he's standing. Good point, which goes back to what I just posted about having faith and trust. I am not seeing it on her side. She's questioning, doubting, allowing strangers to influence her thought process re the bond she shares with her boyfriend versus addressing it with him directly. Something is very off about that imo, I am sorry to say. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) How can you trust in something that has a bunch of holes in it... Of course she will overestimate the bond. She is clearly in love with him. My friend does this too and it drives me crazy. She will see a lot of what she wants to versus what is there, what he is telling her, or what he won’t tell her. Edited March 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
poppyfields Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: How can you trust in something that has a bunch of holes in it... Of course she will overestimate the bond. She is clearly in love with him. She will see a lot of what she wants to versus what is there, what he is telling her, or what he won’t tell her. That's precisely my point cookies, she does NOT trust it! That's the problem. How can one continue a relationship with someone with whom there is no trust? Frankly, given all the anxiety she is feeling, the distrust, the questioning, the walking on eggshells, I think she should just end it and look for something and someone else. LOCAL. The "bond" she believes she has with him is not real, how could it be? If it were real, none of this would be happening. As Gaeta said, it appears much of what she feels, this bond she claims to have, is happening within her own mind. >>When I read this the movie *The Matrix* came in mind. Long distance with 3-4 visits a year, it's like living a relationship in your head. EDIT: I am sorry if I sound mean, I am just trying to be real with heaven, and don't want to see her get hurt, which (and jmo) she will if she continues this relationship. Edited March 25, 2021 by poppyfields 1
BaileyB Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) 10 months in the best of circumstances is still very much the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Long enough that you have decided to be exclusive, usually have sex, exchange some declarations of love. But still, very much too soon to be considering any kind of long term future together and/or making plans to live together. I akin this to my new job - it’s a jobshare so even though it’s been a year in the position, it’s really only been six months because I work part time. In this long distance relationship, they have built an intimate connection because they have had to communicate with each other - and that has the potential to be great for a relationship! But, they have not spent nearly as much time together as a couple would when they grow the relationship in person. I wonder if that is part of his hesitation - yes, it’s been 10 months but this relationship develops differently because it is long distance (I am assuming, it has always been long distance). One relationship’s 10 months is not another relationships 10 months. This is part of the reason why I would never want to be in a long distance relationship. As Shyviolet says, relationships are about physical presence and intimacy. I would think that growing a relationship long distance would actually take longer to progress and develop... assuming, the individuals don’t just impulsively decide to take the leap Bachelor style and be together (and look how that usually works out!). Add to this, the fact that he has Autism and how that impacts the development of this relationship... I can see why 10 months in, it’s not the same as another relationship that has grown organically and in person. Edited March 25, 2021 by BaileyB 1
poppyfields Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) 13 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Add to this, the fact that he has Autism and how that impacts the development of this relationship... I can see why 10 months in, it’s not the same as another relationship that has grown organically and in person. He as Autism and heaven has an Anxiety Disorder. Recipe for disaster imo. What I find interesting about situations like this, is when one suffers from an anxiety or any other disorder, they seem to gravitate towards those who, due to their own issues, exacerbate it. A good healthy relationship should serve (or help) to alleviate one's anxiety, not exacerbate it like what's happening here. Feeling the way heaven does, I would never remain in a relationship like this, and frankly @heavenonearthnot sure why you are. I realize you love him, but a relationship takes much more than that to sustain, imo. But since you choose to stay, I do wish you both the best of luck. Edited March 25, 2021 by poppyfields 1
BaileyB Posted March 25, 2021 Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) 36 minutes ago, poppyfields said: What I find interesting about situations like this, is when one suffers from an anxiety or any other disorder, they seem to gravitate towards those who, due to their own issues, exacerbate it. That is also, in a way, what draws them to each other. He has difficulties interpreting emotions and understanding social circumstances, and his need to talk through things feeds her need to talk through things because of her anxiety. In a way, they provide mutual reassurance for each other and in so doing, both partners gain a sense of security and control. And I may be wrong, as Heaven says they prefer to be together but that is her perception of his feelings, but there is also a sense of security and control from the fact that the relationship is long distance. Life and relationships tend to be unpredictable and as such, anxiety provoking for many individuals with Autism. Many of the higher functioning children with Autism that I work with tend to be watchers, they like to practice in controlled environment, they do not generally take risks until they feel comfortable and confident. This fits the profile of a long distance relationship - it is a way to practice relationship and communication skills in a safe and more controlled manner. Even the weekends together are time limited, which could be reassuring for some people. For the record Heaven, I’m rooting for you. I’m sorry that you have struggled with your anxiety during this discussion. I do wonder if in fact he may proclaim his love with a little more time. As has been said above, I don’t want you to be hurt. I say, keep doing what you are doing and see what happens. Just be aware, the distance and the fact that he has Autism makes this different from other relationships. Set your expectations accordingly. Edited March 25, 2021 by BaileyB 1
Author heavenonearth Posted March 25, 2021 Author Posted March 25, 2021 4 hours ago, BaileyB said: That is also, in a way, what draws them to each other. He has difficulties interpreting emotions and understanding social circumstances, and his need to talk through things feeds her need to talk through things because of her anxiety. In a way, they provide mutual reassurance for each other and in so doing, both partners gain a sense of security and control. And I may be wrong, as Heaven says they prefer to be together but that is her perception of his feelings, but there is also a sense of security and control from the fact that the relationship is long distance. Life and relationships tend to be unpredictable and as such, anxiety provoking for many individuals with Autism. Many of the higher functioning children with Autism that I work with tend to be watchers, they like to practice in controlled environment, they do not generally take risks until they feel comfortable and confident. This fits the profile of a long distance relationship - it is a way to practice relationship and communication skills in a safe and more controlled manner. Even the weekends together are time limited, which could be reassuring for some people. For the record Heaven, I’m rooting for you. I’m sorry that you have struggled with your anxiety during this discussion. I do wonder if in fact he may proclaim his love with a little more time. As has been said above, I don’t want you to be hurt. I say, keep doing what you are doing and see what happens. Just be aware, the distance and the fact that he has Autism makes this different from other relationships. Set your expectations accordingly. You are not wrong.
Author heavenonearth Posted March 25, 2021 Author Posted March 25, 2021 4 hours ago, poppyfields said: He as Autism and heaven has an Anxiety Disorder. Recipe for disaster imo. What I find interesting about situations like this, is when one suffers from an anxiety or any other disorder, they seem to gravitate towards those who, due to their own issues, exacerbate it. A good healthy relationship should serve (or help) to alleviate one's anxiety, not exacerbate it like what's happening here. Feeling the way heaven does, I would never remain in a relationship like this, and frankly @heavenonearthnot sure why you are. I realize you love him, but a relationship takes much more than that to sustain, imo. But since you choose to stay, I do wish you both the best of luck. People with Aspergers and people with GAD are still functioning human beings. We are not defined by our diagnoses. They are a part of us, but we are not our diagnoses. He alleviates my anxiety all the time. He is very reassuring and patient with me. No one has ever been so present when it comes to listening to me. He is very tolerant and tries very hard to understand me and to help me feel at ease. And vice versa, I am trying my best to give room for his complexes as well. We never had a fight and we never said bad things to each other. There is a lot of respect. We are both very sensitive and can understand each others sensitivities better and better as time goes by. I am saying this because I really am frustrated with people demonizing or generalizing people with mental health issues like this. It does not help get rid of stigma.
Author heavenonearth Posted March 25, 2021 Author Posted March 25, 2021 5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Not surprised at all he’s not fully committing What's "fully committing" to you?
Author heavenonearth Posted March 25, 2021 Author Posted March 25, 2021 5 hours ago, Gaeta said: But the real issue here is not so much he didn't say ILY. The real issue is Heaven not feeling secure enough in this relationship to simply ASK where he's standing. Ask him where he is standing? What?
Author heavenonearth Posted March 25, 2021 Author Posted March 25, 2021 5 hours ago, poppyfields said: That's precisely my point cookies, she does NOT trust it! That's the problem. How can one continue a relationship with someone with whom there is no trust? Frankly, given all the anxiety she is feeling, the distrust, the questioning, the walking on eggshells, I think she should just end it and look for something and someone else. LOCAL. The "bond" she believes she has with him is not real, how could it be? If it were real, none of this would be happening. As Gaeta said, it appears much of what she feels, this bond she claims to have, is happening within her own mind. >>When I read this the movie *The Matrix* came in mind. Long distance with 3-4 visits a year, it's like living a relationship in your head. EDIT: I am sorry if I sound mean, I am just trying to be real with heaven, and don't want to see her get hurt, which (and jmo) she will if she continues this relationship. I trust him! I feel people are putting words in my mouth all the time here? Where did I write that I don't trust him? He has always been honest with me and has not given me a reason to not trust him!
poppyfields Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: I am saying this because I really am frustrated with people demonizing or generalizing people with mental health issues like this. It does not help get rid of stigma. There was no demonizing from me @heavenonearth nor from anyone else. Why would I demonize it? I suffer from a mental health issue myself and have experienced the stigma. So don't go there, okay? It's not appreciated. I was simply stating a fact, your boyfriend has Autism and you have an Anxiety Disorder, and those with various disorders tend to gravitate towards each other much of the time. Re you not trusting him, just my opinion but I feel if you fully trusted him, you would not be questioning things like whether or not he is still infatuated with you, among other things when posters have stated their opinions. Again, just my own personal opinion. If you do trust him, fabulous. Anyway, this will be my last post. All the best, hope it all works out the way you hope. Edited March 26, 2021 by poppyfields
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 30 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: Ask him where he is standing? What? Where he is standing = the meaning of *I am not there yet*
Miss Spider Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) 51 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: What's "fully committing" to you? All in. Dedicated. Being cool with with spending the rest of your life with this one particular person and basically becoming a unit. Like the feeling you get when you can say you love someone. Jmo On 3/21/2021 at 3:03 PM, Cookiesandough said: I absolutely adore the guy but I knew that I did not love them ie “ in love with them”, if you get what I mean? I always had one foot out the door and never closed it on other options. Saying you love someone is a major milestone of commitment for many because of how loaded that word is. It’s the supposed to be the most meaningful emotion a person can feel for another. Some people can lie about it but some people can’t if they don’t feel that way. I think to really feel that way “in love” , people need to feel fully in for the long run. And I think the distance may have a little bit to do with why he probably doesn’t —— edit: sorry if Offended anyone . Just trying to help Edited March 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Author heavenonearth Posted March 26, 2021 Author Posted March 26, 2021 8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: All in. Dedicated. Being cool with with spending the rest of your life with this one particular person and basically becoming a unit. Like the feeling you get when you can say you love someone. Jmo Saying you love someone is a major milestone of commitment for many because of how loaded that word is. It’s the supposed to be the most meaningful emotion a person can feel for another. Some people can lie about it but some people can’t if they don’t feel that way. I think to really feel that way “in love” , people need to feel fully in for the long run. And I think the distance may have a little bit to do with why he probably doesn’t But he says he is all in and I know he wouldn’t lie or say something he doesn’t mean (I honestly think he can’t lie). He says he is committed and wants to build something long term with me. Says “you won’t get rid of me” or “we are stuck together now” etc. Everything he says sounds to me very clear like he’s all in. But yes, he hasn’t said the ILY yet I just can’t believe people are advising me to leave my boyfriend bc he hasn’t said that yet, when everything else is perfect.
Author heavenonearth Posted March 26, 2021 Author Posted March 26, 2021 17 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Where he is standing = the meaning of *I am not there yet* I want to ask him when we are together again physically.
Author heavenonearth Posted March 26, 2021 Author Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) 40 minutes ago, poppyfields said: There was no demonizing from me @heavenonearth nor from anyone else. Why would I demonize it? I suffer from a mental health issue myself and have experienced the stigma. So don't go there, okay? It's not appreciated. I was simply stating a fact, your boyfriend has Autism and you have an Anxiety Disorder, and those with various disorders tend to gravitate towards each other much of the time. Re you not trusting him, just my opinion but I feel if you fully trusted him, you would not be questioning things like whether or not he is still infatuated with you, among other things when posters have stated their opinions. Again, just my own personal opinion. If you do trust him, fabulous. Anyway, this will be my last post. All the best, hope it all works out the way you hope. No. You didn’t say that. You said “when one suffers from an anxiety or any other disorder, they seem to gravitate towards those who, due to their own issues, exacerbate it.” He does not exacerbate my issues. He is the first person I have ever dated who actually doesn’t see my anxiety as who I am, but as a small part of me. He doesn’t judge me for it and he reassures me whenever I feel anxious. It just makes me mad what you’re saying bc it couldn’t be further from the truth. We could talk about my ex who, when I gave him a book about anxiety, threw it in the trash. Who told me “you will never get better” or “i don’t wanna hear about it ”. Who, whenever I shared my anxiety, pulled away and never reassured me. So I know what that is like. And I know I would never want that again for myself. Edited March 26, 2021 by heavenonearth
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 4 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: I want to ask him when we are together again physically. 10 months is 300 days. You have spent a total of 30 days together I'm rounding. That means 90% of your relationship is online. Why wait another 2 months to see him to address something that brings you anxiety? When everything else, conversation, bond, connection all of that is addressed online. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 26, 2021 Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: But he says he is all in and I know he wouldn’t lie or say something he doesn’t mean (I honestly think he can’t lie). He says he is committed and wants to build something long term with me. Says “you won’t get rid of me” or “we are stuck together now” etc. Everything he says sounds to me very clear like he’s all in. But yes, he hasn’t said the ILY yet I just can’t believe people are advising me to leave my boyfriend bc he hasn’t said that yet, when everything else is perfect. I feel like it’s different, though. It’s different than just in for the indefinite future or I am this persons partner IE exclusive. The word ‘love’ is just extremely loaded in our culture. It’s basically a declaration of utter and complete dedication. Like when you feel you love someone and they say hey will you come to me, since move nearby, quite a distance, then you’re like yeah, nothing will stop me. We are going to be together ASAP. Because I love you. If you’re happy in the situation and you find it perfect, that’s great. I only said that in my opinion your anxiety is perfectly warranted. I’ve been in situations with men where I loved them but I just did not feel “in love “ with them. I was exclusive and I said all those things, but I would be lying if I said “I love you.” It was too strong of a word to use. Things may seem perfect, but I just suggest that you look at what this really means to him. What it means to him that he will not say this word to you. What that signifies. Because I think it holds some weight. & if that’s okay with you, then I see no reason not to be with him . But this whole thread just, like, gives me the feeling you’re not Edited March 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough
Author heavenonearth Posted March 26, 2021 Author Posted March 26, 2021 22 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I feel like it’s different, though. It’s different than just in for the indefinite future or I am this persons partner IE exclusive. The word ‘love’ is just extremely loaded in our culture. It’s basically a declaration of utter and complete dedication. Like when you feel you love someone and they say hey will you come to me, since move nearby, quite a distance, then you’re like yeah, nothing will stop me. We are going to be together ASAP. Because I love you. If you’re happy in the situation and you find it perfect, that’s great. I only said that in my opinion your anxiety is perfectly warranted. I’ve been in situations with men where I loved them but I just did not feel “in love “ with them. I was exclusive and I said all those things, but I would be lying if I said “I love you.” It was too strong of a word to use. Things may seem perfect, but I just suggest that you look at what this really means to him. What it means to him that he will not say this word to you. What that signifies. Because I think it holds some weight. & if that’s okay with you, then I see no reason not to be with him . But this whole thread just, like, gives me the feeling you’re not mh some on here have attributed it to his aspergers. maybe it’s also to do with his culture. i don’t know. and the fact he never used these words before - maybe he wants to make sure it’s the right moment to say it? when we are actually together? i don’t know. i can only speculate until it actually happens.
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