he has not said 'i love you' after 10 months

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

To add to this^, didn't you tell us heaven that he told you he wasn't into "traditional romance"?

What is "traditional" romance?  It's spending time together in person, sharing experiences together, in person.  Growing, evolving as a couple, in person.

You also posted this earlier:

"I asked him today if he thinks our bond would be stronger if we were in the same place. he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some. and then we gain some from the distance in other ways."

I think it's important to pay attention to what he is trying to tell you!

You keep putting your own spin on it, translating his words to mean what you want them to mean, but not necessary how HE means or how he feels.

I think that is a big mistake.

P.S.  I am sorry you feel foolish.  That certainly was not my intention nor the intention of anyone else.  We are trying to help you and don't want to see you get hurt.

 

traditional romance as in being verbal about romantic stuff, mainly. of course we like spending time together. it’s our favorite thing. 

and with regards to the quote, i tried to explain how he meant it. he said he doesn’t think our bond would be stronger or less strong if we were in the same place. because he thinks it would be the same. because he thinks our bond is very strong and if we were in the same place things would be different and there would be many advantages but with long distance there’s also advantages. you win some and lose some in both. he specifically said this to reassure me bc i was worried he may feel that if we were in the same place, that our bond would be stronger. he really would prefer we lived in the same city. he says that a lot. 

 

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If you feel secure and loved in this relationship, that is a good thing. You then must decide how important it is that he say those three words to you. If it’s not important to you, that fine. But like most women, I can imagine that you would really like to hear those words. Realistic expectations - it’s not that you need him to tell you morning, noon, and night... but, you do need to hear those special words, once in a while. 

I too think that distance is a huge factor here, and one that hasn’t been discussed... (at least, the pages that I have read). Considering that he has autism, he may in fact be more comfortable with a long distance relationship where he communicates with you primarily through video chats and/or other forms of communication. Things may be very different when you spend more time together - either in a good way, or not a good way. And again, the things that you find endearing now (like the long talks about your feelings) may not be quite so endearing when you spend more time together and you want to progress this relationship. Again, my apologies if I’ve missed something said earlier... if I’m wrong, you are welcome to tell me that I’m wrong.

he hates video chat. it makes him feel awkward. he does it bc i like it and because he wants to see me and spend time with me. he hates texting too and spends very little time on his phone. yet he texts me every day throughout the day. so i feel that counts for something 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

no this is his first long distance relationship. no he doesn’t prefer this. it’s very difficult for him and also for me bc we prefer spending time in real life. 

You know what @heavenonearth?  I have new advice.

Say goodbye to this thread and go enjoy your relationship!   Virtually if not literally all our posts/opinions have been refuted, followed by how much you feel loved by him, how close your emotional connection/bond is, how you both hate the distance and cannot wait to be together in "real life," so not quite sure what the problem is?

This thread is 11 pages and it's clear you feel no better than when you first posted, in fact, it's made you feel worse, you are now questioning his love, distrustful and feel foolish per a previous post.

So just say goodbye to it and go love your boyfriend.  Enjoy, cherish the moments until you can be together.

I mean that sincerely! 💕

 

 

Edited March 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

oops, you answered my question above.

Yeah, you seem quite interested in exploring this relationship so I would probably set a timeline and see how things go. For example, if you don’t see things progressing by one year, or a year and a half... time to reconsider. Progressing being the definitive word. It begins by saying the words and making the declaration, and progresses from there - more time together when possible, moving in together, etc... Step by step, but the relationship needs to continue to progress. Good luck. 

Edited March 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

no this is his first long distance relationship. no he doesn’t prefer this. it’s very difficult for him and also for me bc we prefer spending time in real life. 

Okay, then. That's great.

I’ve come to learn that we can't impose clarity on someone else based on our own fears and arbitrary timetable.

However, when this comes up again, you can tell him that if he ever knows for certain that he'll never love you, he should break up with you right then and there.

[heavenonearth]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

oops, you answered my question above.

Yeah, you seem quite interested in exploring this relationship so I would probably set a timeline and see how things go. For example, if you don’t see things progressing by one year, or a year and a half... time to reconsider. Progressing being the definitive word. It begins by saying the words and making the declaration, and progresses from there - more time together when possible, moving in together, etc... Step by step, but the relationship needs to continue to progress. Good luck. 

yes i hope he will say the words within the next few months. but moving in together after 1,5 years is a bit too early. 

i think i would consider moving in together maybe in a year and a half from now or so. 

[heavenonearth]

15 hours ago, poppyfields said:

You know what @heavenonearth?  I have new advice.

Say goodbye to this thread and go enjoy your relationship!   Virtually if not literally all our posts/opinions have been refuted, followed by how much you feel loved by him, how close your emotional connection/bond is, how you both hate the distance and cannot wait to be together in "real life," so not quite sure what the problem is?

This thread is 11 pages and it's clear you feel no better than when you first posted, in fact, it's made you feel worse, you are now questioning his love, distrustful and feel foolish per a previous post.

So just say goodbye to it and go love your boyfriend.  Enjoy, cherish the moments until you can be together.

I mean that sincerely! 💕

 

you are probably right. i have had some bad anxiety attacks that were triggered by interacting in this thread and it was very taxing for us to deal with that. i feel better right now and i will try to stay in that mood and be more relaxed. hopefully he will tell me he loves me soon. will try to focus more on the moment until then.

[Gaeta]

So you're not going to ask him what he meant by his sentence?

[heavenonearth]

57 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So you're not going to ask him what he meant by his sentence?

if he doesnt tell me he loves me the next time we are actually face to face, then i will ask him where he is at, i suppose.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

So you're not going to ask him what he meant by his sentence?

Yea I guess I just don’t understand. If you believe yourself to “anxiously attached”, you’re to just  is to just push down all of your insecurities, ignore all the red flags, go with the flow, and be the “cool girl”? Because only the moment matters or something like that? Sorry that just sounds so circular,  like it would just perpetuate hurt or confusion to the extent you can’t trick yourself into believing it doesn’t hurt. I mean some of those feelings are beneficial and exist for a good reason. I guess people who deal with the issue and have researched it more can understand 

Edited March 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[mortensorchid]

On 3/21/2021 at 7:32 AM, heavenonearth said:

so you think he is not infatuated with me anymore at this point? 

I think so, yes. 

[heavenonearth]

56 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I think so, yes. 

what makes you think so?

[Gaeta]

Heaven: He is still infatuated. There is noway a man would spend  ENTIRE DAYSSSSS on facetime, text you sevetal times a day,  if he was not infatuated. 

[Sun Seeker]

22 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

but with long distance there’s also advantages. you win some and lose some in both

 

This makes no sense. What possible advantage is there to being long distance? What exactly are you winning by being long distance?

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

what makes you think so?

Here we go again, @heavenonearthwhen do you start having faith and trust in your connection, in the bond you claim to share and in your relationship?  

Why do you allow strangers on an anonymous message board to dictate your feelings, causing you to question everything and feel foolish?

If your connection/bond was as strong you you claim it is, this would not be happening.  

You'd be off this thread and enjoying your relationship and loving your boyfriend.

Edited March 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Here we go again, @heavenonearthwhen do you start having faith and trust in your connection, in the bond you claim to share and in your relationship?  

Why do you allow strangers on an anonymous message board to dictate your feelings, causing you to question everything and feel foolish?

If your connection/bond was as strong you you claim it is, this would not be happening.  

You'd be off this thread and enjoying your relationship and loving your boyfriend.

easy to say for you but .. you’re talking to someone with an anxiety disorder. 

[heavenonearth]

7 hours ago, Punterxx said:

This makes no sense. What possible advantage is there to being long distance? What exactly are you winning by being long distance?

it is a different dynamic. lots of hurdles that end up forcing us to create a strong bond through deep talks that maybe otherwise would not be happening or would be different if we werent on a distance. for example. and of course the excitement of seeing each other whenever it happens.

[heavenonearth]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Heaven: He is still infatuated. There is noway a man would spend  ENTIRE DAYSSSSS on facetime, text you sevetal times a day,  if he was not infatuated. 

thank you. i really hope i am not wrong here.

[chillii]

And your spot on about ldr too , we've been part time and long distance 3yrs and it can too , it all creates a whole nother dimension and if it's right often a very special closeness all of it's own.

Try not to worry yourself out of things yet , he could well be 110% in this just needs a bit more time, really it's not that long, not like it 3yrs or something.

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

it is a different dynamic. lots of hurdles that end up forcing us to create a strong bond through deep talks that maybe otherwise would not be happening or would be different if we werent on a distance. for example. and of course the excitement of seeing each other whenever it happens.

I still think this makes absolutely no sense.  Long-distance doesn't have any advantages.  It's a poor substitute for an in-person relationship; it's trying to make a relationship work when you are missing a very vital part of what a relationship is supposed to have; the physical presence and intimacy.

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

easy to say for you but .. you’re talking to someone with an anxiety disorder. 

So do I FWIW.  I am not sure how that relates to having faith and trust in the connection/bond you have established with your partner.

I mean it's either there or it's not, and when it's there, nothing anyone said (on line or off) could ever change that or cause you to question it.  That is precisely what having trust means.

How do you think your boyfriend would feel knowing that strangers on a social forum were causing you to distrust him and doubt your connection?

Probably not real great.

 

Edited March 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Honestly, I think I’d be a little anxious too if I really loved a guy and he had he couldn’t say he did too after a year. That’s not really normal

Edited March 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

40 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I still think this makes absolutely no sense.  Long-distance doesn't have any advantages.  It's a poor substitute for an in-person relationship; it's trying to make a relationship work when you are missing a very vital part of what a relationship is supposed to have; the physical presence and intimacy.

When I read this the movie *The Matrix* came in mind. Long distance with 3-4 visits a year, it's like living a relationship in your head. 

[Miss Spider]

Oi I didn’t read this is long distance too. Sorry. Somehow that makes this all make a lot more sense to me 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Honestly, I think I’d be a bit anxious too if I really loved a guy and he had he couldn’t say he did too after a year... I think that’s normal

Then end it, right?  

I dunno, for me, if my boyfriend's actions/words or in this case lack of words (ILY) caused me to feel anxious and off balance, caused me to distrust him and question the bond we have established, then I end it.

 

Edited March 25, 2021 by poppyfields