he has not said 'i love you' after 10 months

[chillii]

4 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Just a question for you Heaven, what are you looking for in this thread? We will all gladly keep chatting with you, we want to hear you out and see where your head is at, but what's your true goal here? I still get the vibe you are so desperately trying to prove to everybody, and yourself, that "it's all ok and it's going to work". 

Sounds pretty simple to me , he hasn't and won't say he loves her yet , just like the title. Poor girls just hoping we can figure out if he does or not and should she persist.

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Is it a necessity that he "fall in love" with the OP?? 

If he treats her well and they get along great, does it really matter whether or not he feels he is in love??

It does if she wants this to lead to anything more serious.
Some are happy to go with the flow to be in one "filler" relationship after another.
Easy come easy go, it can be a great place to be for some, but I don't think the OP feels that way.
If she did she would either live in the moment or dump him for a guy who is besotted with her, even if it was only temporary.
As it is, she wants and needs  this guy to love her, to be serious about her, to see a long term future with her and he is just not playing ball.
She has no time to waste on another relationship that is going nowhere.                             

[Negotaurus]

8 minutes ago, chillii said:

Sounds pretty simple to me , he hasn't and won't say he loves her yet , just like the title. Poor girls just hoping we can figure out if he does or not and should she persist.

Many have openly shared their views and she simply fights against them. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

Many have openly shared their views and she simply fights against them. 

She does. She’s clearly intending to give this more time. And that’s fine, perhaps he will get there. Time will tell. 

[Happy Lemming]

48 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

As it is, she wants and needs  this guy to love her, to be serious about her, to see a long term future with her...

Are you saying he has to love her for this to be long term??

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Are you saying he has to love her for this to be long term??

I am not sure what you're getting at. 

In the western world Yes it's important for most people to love our partner (and be loved) for a relationship to be fulfilling. I cannot imagine going through decades with a man I don't feel love for. If you are not in love with your partner it also means your heart is open for grab by someone else at some point. Example those couples that remain together for convenience or for the kids, who spend years miserable because the love is gone. 

OP is young of course she wants to be loved!!

Edited March 23, 2021 by Gaeta

[Happy Lemming]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am not sure what you're getting at. 

 

I don't think every person in a long term relationship is in love with their significant other.  I do think long term relationships can continue (and thrive) without "love" or hearing "I love you" multiple times a day.

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OP is young of course she wants to be loved!!

Fair enough... in this particular case, the OP should set a deadline for this "love" to happen and if her gentleman isn't there yet, she should move on.  Because this is a long distance relationship and they've only seen each other in person 6 times, I don't really know what that deadline should be, but I guess that is on Heaven to figure out...

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I don't think every person in a long term relationship is in love with their significant other.  I do think long term relationships can continue (and thrive) without "love" or hearing "I love you" multiple times a day.

No one punched in so far saying I am not in love with my partner and I am completely happy and content in my relationship. 

And no, I don't think OP wants to hear it multiple times. Most people don't expect to hear it multiple times a day. 

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No one punched in so far saying I am not in love with my partner and I am completely happy and content in my relationship.

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years... neither one of us has ever said "I love you" to each other and I'm happy and content.  I can only assume she is as I don't hear any complaints.

If my girlfriend isn't happy, she is free to leave, as am I.

Did your previous boyfriend tell you he loved you??

 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years... neither one of us has ever said "I love you" to each other and I'm happy and content.  I can only assume she is as I don't hear any complaints.

If my girlfriend isn't happy, she is free to leave, as am I.

Did your previous boyfriend tell you he loved you??

What you have with your girlfriend sounds quite special Lemming 💓

The way you often talk about her on this forum - making dinner together for example, the things you do for each other, the ways you think of each other - it's clear at least to me you love her and she loves you.

Perhaps not that deep "in love I'd take a bullet for you" type of love, but there's caring, respect and that is huge! 

And if neither of you need to hear the words, I think that's cool.  You don't need the words, your actions say it all.

Not sure how else to advise you @heavenonearth.  I agree with some others, you created this thread asking for opinions, and then argue against any opinion refuting the outcome you desire and hope will happen and asserting he does love you which he demonstrates through loving actions.

I am thoroughly confused (nothing new there lol) but again, wish you all the best.  

Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Did your previous boyfriend tell you he loved you??

Of course he did, and often. 

I would not be in a relationship with a man not telling me ILY after 6 months. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Of course he did, and often.

And yet... he cheated on you and really, really hurt you...

He loved you while seeing/sleeping with other women... so much for those three little words.

[Gaeta]

@Happy Lemming: It's a good thing you reminded me,  I had almost forgotten.

It doesn't change a thing. I am among those women who need to hear it. If a man came along and gave me the guarantee to never cheat in exchange for never saying ILY, I would pass. Those words are that important. I'll take my chance with a man that says it with no guarantee on our relationship outcome. 

[ShyViolet]

23 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

Again, i do not think that I am stuck in a relationship that is not progressing, just because he has not said those words. I feel we are progressing every day. There are a lot of aspects to a relationship that will help you progress together.

If you really think he does not love me, then why would he show his love in so many other ways?

Are you trying to convince us, or trying to convince yourself?

 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I would not be in a relationship with a man not telling me ILY after 6 months. 

Gaeta, I mean no disrespect whatsoever, but isn't that a bit rigid? 

How can one put a timeline on when your partner should love you, or say they love you?

Not to mention, if you could so easily discard a man for not saying it after six months, how much could you actually love him?

Saying it and actually feeling it are not mutually exclusive, meaning your partner might love you deeply, but for whatever reason, is uncomfortable saying, in words or those three words.

Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@poppyfields: I go with logic. It takes on average 88 days for a man to fall in love that's 3 months. It takes 132 days for a woman that is 4,5 months. I give this a bit of giggle room so 6 months should be plenty of time for both parties to identify their feelings. 

It's not my first time falling in love and I know it happens to me between month 3 and 4. If I meet a man that needs 18 months to  identify his feelings so that means I will invest a full year of loving him while he's trying to figure himself out, right. At the end of him figuring himself out his conclusion could be although he appreciates me he's not in love so I have lost a considerable amount of time loving him while he was not in love with me. 

I am not ready to take that risk with my heart. 

The difference between Heaven and I is she's young and doesn't mind wasting a full year loving someone while he's trying to figure himself out. I don't have that luxury. I prefer moving to a man that has no emotional hang-ups, who's not afraid of the word love, who's comfortable expressing it. I don't want to deal with men that have problems expressing their feelings. 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@poppyfields: I go with logic. It takes on average 88 days for a man to fall in love that's 3 months. It takes 132 days for a woman that is 4,5 months. I give this a bit of giggle room so 6 months should be plenty of time for both parties to identify their feelings. 

It's not my first time falling in love and I know it happens to be between month 3 and 4. If I meet a man that needs 18 months to  identify his feelings so that means I will invest a full year of loving him while he's trying to figure himself out, right. At the end of him figuring himself out his conclusion could be although he appreciates me he's not in love so I have lost a considerable amount of time loving him while he was not in love with me. 

I am not ready to take that risk with my heart. 

The difference between Heaven and I is she's young and doesn't mind wasting a full year loving someone while he's trying to figure himself out. I don't have that luxury. I prefer moving to a man that has no emotional hang-ups, who's not afraid of the word love, who's comfortable expressing it. I don't want to deal with men that have problems expressing their feelings. 

Gaeta, I think you might have missed my point.

I was not referring to feeling it, I agree with you, if a man isn't feeling it within 18 months, it's unlikely he ever will.

I was referring to your post asserting if he didn't tell you he loved you at six months, you would no longer wish to be in a relationship with that man.

Gaeta, a man might love you deeply (and show his love through actions) but for whatever reason, he is uncomfortable saying at the six-month mark.  

You have posted this previously, that just because you feel comfortable doing or saying something, does not necessarily mean your partner feels the same level of comfort - in this case, feeling comfortable expressing those deep emotions at the six or ten month mark.

There could be a variety of reasons for this, I mean your ex wasn't comfortable attending holiday celebrations due to painful childhood experiences, and you understood that.  Another person might have had a painful experience when expressing deep emotions, or perhaps never learned how, why is that so different?

I am not sure why this is so hard for some people to understand? 

We are not clones of each other.  We feel safe and comfortable expressing our emotions, therefore our partner must feel the same way, and if they don't, it means they don't love us and we DUMP?  

Is that love?  I don't think so.  Love is understanding, compassion, empathy.  

Not dumping just because he/she is uncomfortable verbally expressing the deep emotions they are feeling within six months, or ten months in heaven's case.

 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, a man might love you deeply but for whatever reason, he is uncomfortable saying at the six-month mark.  

Then he's not the man for me. The key word here is *uncomfortable*. Do I want to spend the next 20 years not being told I am loved? It will build resentment eventually. 

At some point I have to respect who I am. Being told I am loved is one of my top need in a romantic relationship. And Heaven confirmed it is hers as well.

There are all types of dysfunctions out there. I was ok to deal with my ex blockage toward holidays, there are like 3 big holidays per year, not that big of a deal for me, could be a big deal for another woman but was not for me.

Being told ILY is so important. You talk often of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in a relationship, saying ILY means true intimacy and vulnerability, it's a way to give each other value and validation. There is no amount of I like you, I like being with you, you're important to me that can replace I love you. 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then he's not the man for me. The key word here is *uncomfortable*. Do I want to spend the next 20 years not being told I am loved? It will build resentment eventually. 

At some point I have to respect who I am. Being told I am loved is one of my top need in a romantic relationship. And Heaven confirmed it is hers as well.

There are all types of dysfunctions out there. I was ok to deal with my ex blockage toward holidays, there are like 3 big holidays per year, not that big of a deal for me, could be a big deal for another woman but was not for me.

Being told ILY is so important. You talk often of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in a relationship, saying ILY means true intimacy and vulnerability, it's a way to give each other value and validation. There is no amount of I like you, I like being with you, you're important to me that can replace I love you. 

Fair enough, and I don't wish to debate this, you feel how you feel and I respect that.

But again, he could love you deeply but feel more comfortable showing you through his actions, does that not account for anything? You would dump him regardless because he did not meet your arbitrary six-month timeline for saying it?

Again I ask and this is mostly rhetorical, but where is your love for him?   That you could so easily discard a man who loves you deeply and shows with actions but yet for whatever reason unable to say it?    Why not attempt to understand why he is unable to say it, versus just a straight dump?  

I dunno, I suppose if the only way you can actually feel loved and cherished is through words, that's your right, and again I respect it.

But you might be tossing away a man very much in love with you, and in time, would be able to express his love in words.

I just posted this on a different thread, but a deep emotional connection takes time to build and achieve and LOTS of trust.  Longer than six months imho.

Anyway, again don't wish to debate this, like I said you feel how you feel.  You are in your 50's you know what you want and need and I totally respect that.

 

 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

45 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, a man might love you deeply (and show his love through actions) but for whatever reason, he is uncomfortable saying at the six-month mark

It is the "for whatever reason" that is the problem, and it is likely going to be an issue going forward.
Fine. if you assume he does in fact love his partner, but many men do not say it, as they are just not feeling it.
@Chilli is correct when he said, 
"Thing is , some people and l've noticed guys a lot with this , still make a point of treating someone really nicely and lovingly but to me it's often so that she can't say he didn't do this or that or he was an ah or whatever , he covers he's arse, so all that nice still may not mean he's actually in love"
It is a show to get what he wants and not indicative of a deep love that he can't express.
That idea  of the silent guy who loves deeply but says nothing, is the stuff of rom-coms.
@Gaetais correct, getting involved with guys who can't express emotion is a fool's game and almost guaranteed to end up in hurt and disappointment.                                                        

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That idea  of the silent guy who loves deeply but says nothing, is the stuff of rom-coms.                                                  

I didn't mean silent, say nothing, there are a million ways a man can say ILY (with words) without actually saying those exact words - ILY.

Heaven's guy appears to be quite expressive, and has shown her with actions and words that he loves her, at least as much as he is able to love given his Aspergers.

But for some reason, finds it difficult to say the words ILY.

It's only been ten months, in time and with understanding and acceptance, jmo but I think he could get there.

Anyway, I have said my piece on this, obviously I am complete anomaly on this forum, which is okay I have accepted it and wish everyone well.

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

In this case here Heaven gave us multiple examples of how expressive this man is. He talks very clearly and freely of how she's important, about their bond and connection, he's very articulate. At some point I even wrote: he's buttering it thick. The man can talk. 

Then when Heaven inquired about the ILY he said he's not there yet. Usually I'm not there yet means my feelings are not there yet. I think this very articulate man would have phrased it as it's hard for me to verbally to express that feeling If indeed it was the case. 

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Heaven's guy appears to be quite expressive, and has shown her with actions and words that he loves her, at least as much as he is able to love given his Aspergers.

But that is just assuming stuff. No-one knows if he loves her or not.
It is easy in relationships to do nice stuff, especially when you get validation or get some other reward for doing so.
Yes Gaeta, I also felt he buttered it on thick, but when it comes to "love", he just can't say it.... Hmmm.
A "pretty and cute" guy probably knows exactly how to get what he wants.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

A "pretty and cute" guy probably knows exactly how to get what he wants.

That was unnecessary elaine, and guaranteed to cause heaven to feel even worse and more insecure than she no doubt already feels due to some of the comments on this thread.  She admitted as such.

I have been hurt too elaine, very badly in fact, I nearly ended my life almost 5.5 years ago due to being so hurt.

But yet I don't assume men to be players, womanizers, gaming me, or anything else until I have tangible proof of such.

There is NO such proof here, not even close!

Here we have a man with Aspergers for goodness sakes, who treats heaven with care, respect and yes love but because he is uncomfortable saying the words, he's some sort of pretty boy who is playing her?  

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 3/22/2021 at 2:38 PM, heavenonearth said:

we speak English with each other but it is neither mine nor his native language.

Ok. Tell him in his language. This illuminates things a bit. Are you from different cultures? If so, perhaps "I love you" is reserved for very serious longer term relationships.

Even though you communicate well (your English is excellent, btw) there still may be cultural nuances, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships.