he has not said 'i love you' after 10 months

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

"i am not feeling it" to me indicates that someone is just not interested.

"I am not there yet" in my context indicates to me that he needs more time to be able to express how he feels.

maybe i am wrong tho... 

i am not insecure about his feelings for me, i am an insecure person in general tho and this thread has made me more insecure and has got me thinking a lot. i am thinking i may have perceived the things he has done/said to me so far in a wrong way. 

Would you ever be brave enough to ask him?

"Remember our talk when I told you I loved you, and you replied you weren't there yet?  Did you mean you weren't there yet as far as saying it or actually feeling it?"

The worst thing to do  heaven is put your own spin on it, whatever makes you feel better, because it may mean something entirely different.

Or it may not, it may mean just what you're spinning it to mean

Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions, it's your heart and your future.

[hippychick3]

19 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How would they behave? And why is the op's man atypical?

He’s on the spectrum. By definition, that makes him atypical. People on the spectrum tend to look at things very literally. It’s unlikely they would be pretending to feel something they do not. It sounds like to me that he may have a definition of what love looks like on paper and isn’t making the connection to what he’s actually feeling. There’s often a disconnect between words, feelings, and expressions with people on the spectrum.  These do not always match and it is not at all intentional when they don’t match.  

 

 

Edited March 20, 2021 by hippychick3

[Gaeta]

@hippychick3 pardon my ignorance on the subject but l thought people on the spectrum had difficulties identifying feelings and expressing them.

OP's bf seems to be able to identify and express a wide range of emotions and i'd even say he expresses them even better than a non-spectrum man. He talks to her about bonds, connections, missing her, being happy with her, that doesn't sound like typical spectrum?

Edited March 20, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, hippychick3 said:

He’s on the spectrum. By definition, that makes him atypical. People on the spectrum tend to look at things very literally. It’s unlikely they would be pretending to feel something they do not. It sounds like to me that he may have a definition of what love looks like on paper and isn’t making the connection to what he’s actually feeling. There’s often a disconnect between words, feelings, and expressions with people on the spectrum.  These do not always match and it is not at all intentional when they don’t match.  

So what/how should a person do, say, act with someone like this?

Walk on eggshells wondering what the hell it all means?  

Given he is autistic, is he even capable of feeling love the way heaven or any women needs? 

I agree with what Gaeta said earlier, it sounds exhausting!

I think the only thing to do is understand and accept his limitations and proceed forward on that basis.

heaven, if you're unable to do that, and find yourself wondering and feeling insecure and anxious, then end the relationship.

 

[hippychick3]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

@hippychick3 pardon my ignorance on the subject but l thought people on the spectrum had difficulties identifying feelings and expressing them.

OP's bf seems to be able to identify and express a wide range of emotions and i'd even say he expresses them even better than a non-spectrum man. He talks to her about bonds, connections, missing her, being happy with her, that doesn't sound like typical spectrum?

People on the spectrum are very capable of talking about their feelings and expressing them, especially those who are high functioning and/or have had a lot of social skills interventions over the years. But they will always have some kind of difficulties in the area of social communication and for him, it may manifest in the way of not being able to label love correctly. Autism never goes away (if he has it), so it will always impact relationships in some way. 

[hippychick3]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So what/how should a person do, say, act with someone like this?

Walk on eggshells wondering what the hell it all means?  

Given he is autistic, is he even capable of feeling love the way heaven or any women needs? 

I agree with what Gaeta said earlier, it sounds exhausting!

I think the only thing to do is understand and accept his limitations and proceed forward on that basis.

heaven, if you're unable to do that, and find yourself wondering and feeling insecure and anxious, then end the relationship.

 

It would be exhausting especially for someone who is very emotionally expressive and needs that in return. I know that I could not be happy in this kind of relationship personally. But of course there are many many others in relationships with people on the spectrum. It’s just more of a challenge and how willing one is to adjust to their differences and how they communicate and express themselves. The fact that he can express himself in certain ways and is open to discussions is a positive thing. They say when you meet one person with autism you’ve met one person with autism. They are all so different from each other, and they all have different strengths and weaknesses dealing with people.

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, hippychick3 said:

It would be exhausting especially for someone who is very emotionally expressive and needs that in return. I know that I could not be happy in this kind of relationship personally. But of course there are many many others in relationships with people on the spectrum. It’s just more of a challenge and how willing one is to adjust to their differences and how they communicate and express themselves. The fact that he can express himself in certain ways and is open to discussions is a positive thing. They say when you meet one person with autism you’ve met one person with autism. They are all so different from each other, and they all have different strengths and weaknesses dealing with people.

That makes sense.

 @heavenonearth, understanding is key, and hopefully hippychick' s posts  and others have given you that.

Him "not being there yet" could be a byproduct of his autism, not to be taken personally.

As I've previously said, he sounds lovely in many many ways, you've said so yourself.  

So try and take the focus off what he has not said, not ready to say, and may never be able or ready to say, and focus on his actions, your mutual connection, close bond and what he is able to express to you.

All the best.  

 

Edited March 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[BC1980]

On 3/19/2021 at 3:44 AM, heavenonearth said:

 

so i wonder...  my boyfriend, who is treating me wonderfully in every aspect, and who is the best boyfriend i had in all my life, but doesn’t say i love you after 10 months ... i just wonder if that’s normal or okay or if i should worry or if i shouldn’t worry? or if i would be ok with him not saying it? and if it’s a bad thing or not if everything else is perfect? 

that was my initial struggle. 

You're anxious because you are in love with your boyfriend, and he is not in love with you. That would make anyone worry and be anxious. You are not on equal footing in the relationship because you are more invested and have deeper feelings than him. 
 

A lot of this relationship seems to be built on what could/might happen- not what is actually happening. For example, the talk about moving in is not a concrete plan. I have to question his realistic it is to continue in a relationship if you can't physically be with someone very often. You're in limbo right now, so is there a time limit or a plan to try to move this relationship forward? 

[BC1980]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

"I'm just not there yet" and "not feeling it" are virtually the same thing.  Your tendency to get very defensive shows a lot about how insecure you are in this relationship.

Saying he's not there yet is a way to put it off. If someone loves you, they will say it with no problem. They will want to say it. I see a lot of excuses being given to the guy. 

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, BC1980 said:

If someone loves you, they will say it with no problem.

I agree, especially when he knows he is not going out on a limb.
Heaven made it clear she loves him, she went out on a limb, thinking, he would, of course, say it back, but he didn't.
She made it very easy for him, but he chose not to say it back which is the far more difficult route to take IMO. Awkward.

[BC1980]

It would be very difficult to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't love you when you feel differently. You're naturally going to want to tell the person you love them. I'd put a time limit on how much longer to stick around. This relationship clearly isn't moving forward and is at a standstill. It's understandable if he doesn't love OP because they've only been together in person 6 times, but the issue is more that he and the OP aren't on the same page in the relationship. Covid or not, OP has to make a decision about how much longer she's going to stay in a relationship that isn't progressing. 

[heavenonearth]

We were on facetime all day, from waking up until 8pm. Then i hung up because I was in my thoughts and did not feel so good, also bc I read a lot of your responses. He wrote me and asked what was wrong. I wrote to him that I dont really want to just be a 'learning experience' for him, as someone on here wrote (that really stuck with me and i could not shake it) and I wish we could feel the same thing. I basically said to him that I wish he would feel the same way as I feel.

And he said he does not understand where my thoughts are coming from and why I would think something like this of him. He got frustrated. It quickly went into a conversation about how it is difficult for him to say certain things, talking about romantic things etc, and he brought up (again, sort of), how he just is not good with these things, and how he is doing his best showing me how much he wants to be with me, in his very own way, and that we are feeling the same just expressing it differently. He said he feels that I show a lot of my insecurities and complexities and he feels that right now I am not allowing him to show his. That when it comes to his complexities/insecurities, I immediately take it to heart or make it something about us. And he feels it is not fair to him. We talked about it and of course I reassured him that I want him to be himself and that I want to give him all the space/platform he needs to express himself. He also said that I cannot just get rid of him like this and that we are stuck together now and he wishes I was less insecure and would take him more for granted.. ? He also wrote he feels we need to learn to get used to what actually makes us different in the ways that we are. Anyway, then my friend came over so I could not say goodnight to him anymore as I spent my night with my friend. But he wrote me a really sweet good night message that was, again, very reassuring. 

I felt we were in a good place but I am so insecure right now and confused bc of the different things said on this thread. I feel I cannot act natural with him. I constantly have in my head that he is just using me until he finds something better. I am starting to see bad things in everything he says. Like it could have been so easy tonight to just reassure me by saying he loves me, but he did not. He said earlier today that he finds conventional romance "awkward" and he cannot identify with it. I also asked him what he thinks was the most romantic thing we ever done, and he said it was when we built a blanket fort and watched christmas movies when he was visiting for christmas... I mean, yeah, that was cute, but I would be able to count many things we did that were conventionally way more romantic than this. Maybe that is his autism? I don't know. Are people on the spectrum "awkward" about romance? 

I watched this video and it was kind of helpful: https://youtu.be/vry6Z-JH-hk

 

 

 

 

[heavenonearth]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Would you ever be brave enough to ask him?

"Remember our talk when I told you I loved you, and you replied you weren't there yet?  Did you mean you weren't there yet as far as saying it or actually feeling it?"

The worst thing to do  heaven is put your own spin on it, whatever makes you feel better, because it may mean something entirely different.

Or it may not, it may mean just what you're spinning it to mean

Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions, it's your heart and your future.

I am determined to ask him the next time we see each other.

[heavenonearth]

9 hours ago, hippychick3 said:

People on the spectrum are very capable of talking about their feelings and expressing them, especially those who are high functioning and/or have had a lot of social skills interventions over the years. But they will always have some kind of difficulties in the area of social communication and for him, it may manifest in the way of not being able to label love correctly. Autism never goes away (if he has it), so it will always impact relationships in some way. 

i guess this would correspond with him saying he finds conventional romance "awkward"?

[hippychick3]

2 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

i guess this would correspond with him saying he finds conventional romance "awkward"?

Yes, absolutely! That’s totally attributed to his autism. It’s not at all surprising that he made this statement. Autism means they’re likely to misunderstand or miss social cues, say the “wrong” things, and have difficulties with connecting in a conventional way. 

[Gaeta]

Awww l'm so sorry that you feel bad. Please understand the first half if your thread people had not caught on to the fact he has autism. And when you post on here you take some advise and you leave some.  

[FMW]

34 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

I am so insecure right now and confused bc of the different things said on this thread

The responses are based on each individual's experiences and their own expectations and rules for relationships.  It can be helpful to consider the various views to make sure you're not missing something, but you shouldn't allow them to determine how you handle your relationship or make you doubt your own feelings and instincts.  

Clearly you are bothered, and understandably so, by his response to you telling him you love him.  But it sounds like otherwise you are happy with your relationship, and it sounds like he does care about you.  You have to decide whether you can give things with him more time or not.  

FWIW, if I followed a lot of the rules and expectations about how relationships should go on this forum, I would have missed out on the relationship I've been in for well over a year (and it would have definitely been a loss).  My guy doesn't fit the normal mold (according to this forum) and it sounds like yours doesn't either.  So just take a clear and honest look at who he is and what he does, don't compare him to anyone else, truly see him.  And then make your choices accordingly.      

[mortensorchid]

I have been in 2 LDRs in my lifetime.  I did the first one the wrong way and the second the right way.  Let's put the pandemic aside...  When you are in a LDR if you are not seeing each other at least once or twice a month, you tend to do a lot of fantasizing.  And during the time that you are together, you end up being in this mad dash to get to have sex asap.  This ends up fueling the fantasy even further,  which may ultimately hurt you both.

There are certain plateaus we all hit with relationships.  The first will happen at rhe 6/9 month marker - infatuation has worn off.  And this has done so for him, and he's quite honestly, not going to say "I love you" to you if he hasn't already.  Hate to say this but move on.

 

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't seem like he's "using you" or that you are a "learning experience".

You seem to be getting much more out of this, so no one's using anyone and no one is someone's experiment.

That said, it's still a LDR with a lot of obstacles.

[heavenonearth]

6 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I have been in 2 LDRs in my lifetime.  I did the first one the wrong way and the second the right way.  Let's put the pandemic aside...  When you are in a LDR if you are not seeing each other at least once or twice a month, you tend to do a lot of fantasizing.  And during the time that you are together, you end up being in this mad dash to get to have sex asap.  This ends up fueling the fantasy even further,  which may ultimately hurt you both.

There are certain plateaus we all hit with relationships.  The first will happen at rhe 6/9 month marker - infatuation has worn off.  And this has done so for him, and he's quite honestly, not going to say "I love you" to you if he hasn't already.  Hate to say this but move on.

 

so you think he is not infatuated with me anymore at this point? 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

so you think he is not infatuated with me anymore at this point? 

Heaven, he spent his entire day on videocall with you, he is still infatuated. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

so you think he is not infatuated with me anymore at this point? 

The only person who knows is him.  Be brave, and talk to him, ask him what he meant when saying he's 'not there yet'. 

What you're doing now - walking on eggshells wondering and feeling insecure - isn't doing you any good at all.

We here at LS have our own experiences both positive and negative we can project on your situation, but at the end of day, again the only person who knows is him.

Ideally, you should have asked him to clarify that statement right when it happened, immediately after he said it, it would have alleviated all the mind-spinning, anxieties and insecurities you admittedly are experiencing now.

I would not wait until you see each other in person, why?  

That's avoidance. 

Ask next time you video chat.  Your bond appears tight enough to withstand these types of difficult questions and discussions.

It not, well then maybe your bond isn't at tight as you are assuming it to be.

LDRs are difficult but your insecurities are beyond what should be happening and imo an indication that something is terribly amiss.

Not just because he can't say the words but rather your anxiety about communicating with him about it, seeking clarification.

This is not how good, healthy, mutually rewarding relationships should be, whether long distance or local. 

 

Edited March 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

The only person who knows is him.  Be brave, and talk to him, ask him what he meant when saying he's 'not there yet'

See most recent update.

 

 

[Sun Seeker]

I'm currently in my 3rd LDR and I've never gone more than a few months, let alone 10 without falling in love and making it clear. Everyone is different though.

What is more worrying in this scenario is that he has never told someone he loves them. Seems like he doesn't know what love is, and/or has never felt it. That itself is very bad, as OP, you are someone who wants that reassurance. You need to decide if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life who does not match your expectations in this way. It's who he is. He is not going to change, and start telling you ILY every day, like you would want.

Either you accept that, or you find someone who you are more compatible with in this way. Only you can decide what to do, but the fact you have made this thread shows that you are really bothered about it. Being in a relationship with someone who ticks all of your boxes and meets all of your expectations is so much more satisfying than being with someone that doesn't.

[Miss Spider]

I’m sorry to have to say that I think he likes his time with you, but he doesn’t feel like you’re “the one” for him. I have had the experience before. I absolutely adore the guy but I knew that I did not love them ie “ in love with them”, if you get what I mean? I always had one foot out the door and never closed it on other options. The problem is that when they said the words to me, I said it back because I felt bad about it and it was a really big mistake. In the future, if I didn’t feel that way I wouldn’t say it. It’s just not respectful and I think that he doesn’t want to mislead you about where he is at like that. But if he doesn’t feel that at this stage, it’s very unlikely he ever will, imo .. 

Edited March 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough