Gaeta Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 @heavenonearth: Slow down. You said he's on the autism spectrum? Have you looked into what it means concerning romantic relationships for them? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 4 hours ago, heavenonearth said: i just wonder if the i love you is something that is truly necessary. i struggle with it. i always wanted it and needed it. but i also have had men throw these words after me and they still betrayed me and lied to me and all that. so i wonder... my boyfriend, who is treating me wonderfully in every aspect, and who is the best boyfriend i had in all my life, but doesn’t say i love you after 10 months ... i just wonder if that’s normal or okay In a long-term, committed relationship, no, that's not normal. If a man won't say that he loves you, that's a sign that something is amiss, something is missing from the relationship. One could argue that this relationship has only been 10 months, it's still kinda short, it hasn't even been a year yet. But if you approach a year and he still won't say it, you need to take that as a sign that he's not as into this relationship as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 19, 2021 Author Share Posted March 19, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: @heavenonearth: Slow down. You said he's on the autism spectrum? Have you looked into what it means concerning romantic relationships for them? Well I read some articles about it, but I also feel that you cannot lump everyone on the spectrum into one category? Everyone is different, right? My dad also is on the spectrum and never has told me that he loved me, mom says that he uses the phrase very sparsely, his love language is more acts of service. My boyfriend's love language seems to be more quality time and (when we are together) physical touch. My love language is words of affirmation, quality time and physical touch. So we do have a lot of quality time together, which is nice, but perhaps if we were able to see each other more, the physical touch would be possible, and then maybe I would be less hung up on the ILY. Just a guess. I really don't know, I feel with borders opening again it will change things, but I definitely will pull back a bit after having interacted with you all in this thread. I think I may have put too much trust into him and am too focused on us working out perfectly. I have to maybe accept I am not the one for him. Maybe I am just a learning experience for him, after all, and he will realize that at some point! And then he will drop me like a hot potato. Edited March 19, 2021 by heavenonearth Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 4 hours ago, heavenonearth said: he has not had many relationships. he only started dating in his late 20s. i feel that may be a factor. but of course there’s other more personal things that i am not sure i want to type here bc it’s very specific to him. but his family background and the way he felt at school may have something to do with it, plus him being on the spectrum. I see. I assume it's only a matter of how he communicates whether you're feeling cherished in other ways. Some people simply struggle with vulnerability more than others. If he's on the autism spectrum, it's a certainty. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 (edited) 30 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: My dad also is on the spectrum and never has told me that he loved me, mom says that he uses the phrase very sparsely, his love language is more acts of service. Has your mom suffered not being told ILY as much as she wished/needed? I agree not to put all the men on the spectrum in the same bag but you have to recognize that they do not perceive or process feelings the same way as non-spectrum people. I am reading quickly here that people on the spectrum do feel love and crave intimacy but do not know how to achieve it in romantic relationships. Edited March 19, 2021 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 19, 2021 Author Share Posted March 19, 2021 10 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Has your mom suffered not being told ILY as much as she wished/needed? I agree not to put all the men on the spectrum in the same bag but you have to recognize that they do not perceive or process feelings the same way as non-spectrum people. I am reading quickly here that people on the spectrum do feel love and crave intimacy but do not know how to achieve it in romantic relationships. i don't know if she has. maybe when they were younger? don't think so now. my boyfriend and i, we do have a lot of long and deep talks. it seems he needs to "talk out" his feelings, always in a very rational way. if he does not understand something completely he gets really frustrated and challenged. we also have situations where he feels he cannot completely read me, which frustrates him, so i have to be very descriptive about how i feel and then when he understands it better, he feels more at ease. for him, everything is about "fully understanding something to feel at ease", and when he does not, he feels very frustrated. like, when i am happy, he tends to be very happy and at ease, but when he notices something is 'off' with me, as he calls it, then he wants to immediately talk it out, sometimes these talks can go on for a very long time and are very detailed. i presume this has to do with him being on the spectrum, because he needs to have a full understanding of something in order to make sense of a certain feeling. he is very sensitive like that. i also feel he is hyper-perceptive. sometimes i wonder if it is bc he is so bad at naturally "feeling" what others think/feel, that he has to completely talk it through in order to make sense for it to him. like he trained himself to be hyper-perceptive, because he has so much trouble reading people in general. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 It sounds exhausting to me Heaven. You mentioned earlier that you would take a step back. I suggest you don't do that without explaining to him exactly why. I think you need to throw the regular dating book away and adapt your thinking to his spectrum. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Well given that autism is a social communication disorder, it changes the context of this issue immensely. He could be viewing love too literally without understanding what love really means/feels like. You really can’t evaluate his response based on societal norms. I actually test for and identify autism as part of my job so am very well versed with autism spectrum disorders. If you want to PM me for more information and insight, feel free to reach out (even though you unnecessarily yelled at me 😐). 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Heaven, have you ever lived with a significant other? I ask because I think this is the third long-term, long-distance relationship with someone who doesn't want to move it forward/live together---is that correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 19, 2021 Author Share Posted March 19, 2021 20 minutes ago, lana-banana said: Heaven, have you ever lived with a significant other? I ask because I think this is the third long-term, long-distance relationship with someone who doesn't want to move it forward/live together---is that correct? my most previous ex lived 40 min by car. so no, i wouldn’t call that a long distance relationship. i lived with a few boyfriends throughout my 20s and with a long term partner for 3 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 O 2 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: my most previous ex lived 40 min by car. so no, i wouldn’t call that a long distance relationship. i lived with a few boyfriends throughout my 20s and with a long term partner for 3 years. Okay, just checking. I was inclined to say there was a pattern of going after men who weren't available/who were deliberately keeping themselves distant, but that's not quite true. Thanks for clearing that up. I do believe that it's important to know this guy has limited relationship experience and is on the spectrum. That obviously changes things. If you personally feel happy and satisfied with him, and don't find yourself wanting more, then by all means stick with it. But his circumstances mean you will probably have to help guide him through some things, which means the relationship may not progress at the pace you like. If you're okay with having to take the lead and set the pace, that's okay. But if you're expecting him to tell you he loves you, is ready to live together, get married, etc---that may not happen. I think it comes down to your level of patience and your personal expectations for a relationship. What is it that's giving you anxiety here? The fact that he isn't saying the things you hope for, or the idea that you think he should be leading the way? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 (edited) 16 hours ago, hippychick3 said: Well given that autism is a social communication disorder, it changes the context of this issue immensely. He could be viewing love too literally without understanding what love really means/feels like. You really can’t evaluate his response based on societal norms. I actually test for and identify autism as part of my job so am very well versed with autism spectrum disorders. If you want to PM me for more information and insight, feel free to reach out (even though you unnecessarily yelled at me 😐). I am sorry I didnt mean to yell. I can pm you. Thank you. Edited March 20, 2021 by heavenonearth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 18 hours ago, Gaeta said: It sounds exhausting to me Heaven. You mentioned earlier that you would take a step back. I suggest you don't do that without explaining to him exactly why. I think you need to throw the regular dating book away and adapt your thinking to his spectrum. i think if i explain to him, he would be crushed and he wouldn’t understand and he would probably just say “this is your anxiety speaking”... based on what i know from him / have experienced with him. btw i don’t find out talks exhausting. i like speaking with him for long about things that are important to us. it always gets us somewhere, it never feels like a dead end street. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 (edited) On 3/18/2021 at 3:47 PM, heavenonearth said: possibly within the next year and a half, a cute tiny apartment in his city, hopefully near a place that sells yum falafel. Ah, that's the thing about LDRs. So dreamy and romantic. The reason for that is the Romeo/Juliette impossible love thing. Another reason is that it allows each of you to fill in the blanks with whatever you both need and wish. As long as it stays in this suspended animation, things will be fine. Back to your original question. Part of the dreamy romance is making excuses and assumption such as "he can't say ILY because of a neurological problem", rather than the truth he told you which is "I'm just not feeling it". Again, this allows you to write both dialogues in this romantic novel, filling in all the thoughts feelings, motives, etc. for both characters in this. Edited March 20, 2021 by Wiseman2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ah, that's the thing about LDRs. So dreamy and romantic. The reason for that is the Romeo/Juliette impossible love thing. Another reason is that it allows each of you to fill in the blanks with whatever you both need and wish. As long as it stays in this suspended animation, things will be fine. Back to your original question. Part of the dreamy romance is making excuses and assumption such as "he can't say ILY because of a neurological problem", rather than the truth he told you which is "I'm just not feeling it". Again, this allows you to write both dialogues in this romantic novel, filling in all the thoughts feelings, motives, etc. for both characters in this. but he has not said 'i'm just not feeling it' ???? he says he is 'not there yet'. where did you read that he said "I'm just not feeling it"? he NEVER said this! he tells me how attached he is to me and how he wants to build a future with me and that he is very invested in us. does that sound like someone who is "just not feeling it"? Because if so, then I am at a loss really what to believe anymore. I am so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 When do you see him next? Sorry if you said it already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 20 minutes ago, Gaeta said: When do you see him next? Sorry if you said it already. hopefully in april. they are talking about opening borders early april. we hope it will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 Ok so it's soon, you don't have to torture yourself for another 2 months. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 55 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: but he has not said 'i'm just not feeling it' ???? he says he is 'not there yet'. where did you read that he said "I'm just not feeling it"? he NEVER said this! He tells me how attached he is to me and how he wants to build a future with me and that he is very invested in us. does that sound like someone who is "just not feeling it"? Because if so, then I am at a loss really what to believe anymore. I am so confused. I don't know why he is holding back, but he is holding back for some reason. He seems to be perfectly capable of saying all the right things but refuses to take it to the next level. This is actually worse than the cold, aloof guy who never discusses feelings, as him saying nothing makes perfect sense and he may take a long time or even forever to open up. But that is not your guy. "He tells me how attached he is to me and how he wants to build a future with me and that he is very invested in us. does that sound like someone who is "just not feeling it"?" Have you ever heard of "future faking"? It is where a guy(usually) waxes lyrical about the future and catches a willing women up in the fantasy, but when the chips are down and he has to make a commitment, he ducks out, as he is not feeling it or he knows it will never happen. It was fun to imagine a future, but the reality is, he knows it is just not feasible. On the darker side, he gets a woman to fall in love with him, and that is validating and ego boosting and a woman in love is not looking for other guys either. I am not saying he is doing this, but some guys will do this, and do, do this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 3 hours ago, heavenonearth said: but he has not said 'i'm just not feeling it' ???? he says he is 'not there yet'. where did you read that he said "I'm just not feeling it"? he NEVER said this! he tells me how attached he is to me and how he wants to build a future with me and that he is very invested in us. does that sound like someone who is "just not feeling it"? Because if so, then I am at a loss really what to believe anymore. I am so confused. "I'm just not there yet" and "not feeling it" are virtually the same thing. Your tendency to get very defensive shows a lot about how insecure you are in this relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Your tendency to get very defensive shows a lot about how insecure you are in this relationship. It's not insecurity, it's fear. 10 months is a considerable time and she is in love. She doesn't want to lose someone that brings her happiness. She needs time to process it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 14 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: "I'm just not there yet" and "not feeling it" are virtually the same thing. Your tendency to get very defensive shows a lot about how insecure you are in this relationship. "i am not feeling it" to me indicates that someone is just not interested. "I am not there yet" in my context indicates to me that he needs more time to be able to express how he feels. maybe i am wrong tho... i am not insecure about his feelings for me, i am an insecure person in general tho and this thread has made me more insecure and has got me thinking a lot. i am thinking i may have perceived the things he has done/said to me so far in a wrong way. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: I don't know why he is holding back, but he is holding back for some reason. He seems to be perfectly capable of saying all the right things but refuses to take it to the next level. This is actually worse than the cold, aloof guy who never discusses feelings, as him saying nothing makes perfect sense and he may take a long time or even forever to open up. But that is not your guy. "He tells me how attached he is to me and how he wants to build a future with me and that he is very invested in us. does that sound like someone who is "just not feeling it"?" Have you ever heard of "future faking"? It is where a guy(usually) waxes lyrical about the future and catches a willing women up in the fantasy, but when the chips are down and he has to make a commitment, he ducks out, as he is not feeling it or he knows it will never happen. It was fun to imagine a future, but the reality is, he knows it is just not feasible. On the darker side, he gets a woman to fall in love with him, and that is validating and ego boosting and a woman in love is not looking for other guys either. I am not saying he is doing this, but some guys will do this, and do, do this. It is very unlikely that somebody on the spectrum would behave this way. You cannot compare this person to a “typical guy.“ People on the spectrum have a different way of thinking and we need to evaluate their behaviors differently and not compare them to typical people’s behaviors. The OP’s man is atypical. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 6 minutes ago, hippychick3 said: It is very unlikely that somebody on the spectrum would behave this way. ...The OP’s man is atypical. How would they behave? And why is the op's man atypical? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 4 minutes ago, hippychick3 said: It is very unlikely that somebody on the spectrum would behave this way. You cannot compare this person to a “typical guy.“ People on the spectrum have a different way of thinking and we need to evaluate their behaviors differently and not compare them to typical people’s behaviors. The OP’s man is atypical. Tend to agree. There are some tough challenges because of the distance, and your boyfriend has autism, which is accompanied by anxiety and mild reactivity on your part. It's not that these obstacles can't be overcome; they just will be more difficult. It's up to you both to decide if it's worth it, but you may discover that one (or both) of you aren't cut out for it, which is perfectly reasonable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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