he has not said 'i love you' after 10 months

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am sure he does miss you, that's all part of why some people prefer distance.  The missing, the longing.  

Extremely powerful emotions however they are not love which may explain why he can't say it.

I don't mean to be such a negative nellie but all of what you've posted suggests he may have a fear of intimacy/closeness.  The physical distance keeps him emotionally safe from that.  The not being into sex suggests this also.  Which I find extremely telling tbh and a bit troubling. 

Sex is a powerful bonding mechanism (physically, emotionally, and spiritually for some people) and to "not be into it" I find extremely strange for a man in love with a woman.  But par for the course I suppose with everything else that's happening.

Anyway, it's obvious you have no intention of ending this relationship, so continue forward, try to stay positive while also remaining realistic and open to the possibility things may crumble once the distance gap closes.  It has been known to happen in these types of relationships, not saying it will, only to be open to the possibility.  

Like I said, the true test will come after you both get vaccinated and the opportunity to spend more in-person time together and close the gap presents itself.

I hope it works out for you Heather, you seem like a lovely person with a big heart and lots of love to give.

Please keep us posted.

 

 

 

Mh again I feel you are not really reading what I am writing or you are misinterpreting what I am writing.

Exactly, sex is an important bonding experience. Which is why it is such an important factor that he wants to have sex with me all the time when we see each other. He says he never had that before with anyone and that it is one of the (many) signs that he wants to pursue this with me. Because he is used to not really wanting or needing sex. For example his past relationship was without sex. The 'not being into it' refers to the general idea of sex that we both have. But we really like being intimate with each other, and it is a rare thing for both of us to feel that (i mentioned somewhere above that we both are demisexual). Our sexual connection/chemistry is the best I EVER had with any guy. He said he never felt so comfortable being intimate with anyone before. 

We had a call earlier and he said (I am briefly paraphrasing), he wishes he could just take his bike and bike over to my house right now, and he wishes I would live around the corner from him, but right now things are the way they are and even though it is hard, we are doing pretty great and he hopes it will get less challenging and easier with time, post-pandemic.

 

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@heavenonearth What is your gut feeling telling you on the ILY issue?

My gut is telling me he'll say "ILY" just so heaven will drop the issue and he can continue the relationship.

I can't tell you the number of lies that have come out of my mouth to keep getting sex (especially when I was younger).  Me throwing an "ILY" out there once in a while... no problem.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

My gut is telling me he'll say "ILY" just so heaven will drop the issue and he can continue the relationship.

I can't tell you the number of lies that have come out of my mouth to keep getting sex (especially when I was younger).  Me throwing an "ILY" out there once in a while... no problem.

Lemming, he's not into sex though, remember?

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

My gut is telling me he'll say "ILY" just so heaven will drop the issue and he can continue the relationship.

I can't tell you the number of lies that have come out of my mouth to keep getting sex (especially when I was younger).  Me throwing an "ILY" out there once in a while... no problem.

That was my point earlier.  People toss it around like it's nothing, no meaning behind the words.

When it actually means something significant (like "I am in love with you") not always so easy to say.

 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Lemming, he's not into sex though, remember?

 

8 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

 But we really like being intimate with each other, and it is a rare thing for both of us to feel that (i mentioned somewhere above that we both are demisexual). Our sexual connection/chemistry is the best I EVER had with any guy. He said he never felt so comfortable being intimate with anyone before.

It appears they are having some sex... maybe this is the amount that he needs/likes?? 

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, poppyfields said:

That was my point earlier.  People toss it around like it's nothing, no meaning behind the words.

When it actually means something significant (like "I am in love with you") not always so easy to say.

 

I could toss it out there like I was asking you what the weather was outside. 

Just words..  I used to use "You are so great, I think I'm falling in love with you."  That was my canned phrase if she was almost ready to sleep with me and I needed that little push to get her panties off.

[poppyfields]

>>But we really like being intimate with each other, and it is a rare thing for both of us to feel that (i mentioned somewhere above that we both are demisexual). Our sexual connection/chemistry is the best I EVER had with any guy. He said he never felt so comfortable being intimate with anyone before.

Okay, thanks Heaven for clarifying that.  I think I am probably demisexual as well, but I am VERY into sex when with a man I am sexually attracted to and feel an emotional connection with.  Maybe too much, lol, same for him. 

That's one reason why a LDR would never work for me over a long stretch of time.    I literally need that physical intimacy.  Phone, FaceTime, messaging just don't cut it.  

Anyhoo, I am going to stop being negative.  Enjoy the journey, and allow it to play out.

Keep us updated!  ❤️

 

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

Mh again I feel you are not really reading what I am writing or you are misinterpreting what I am writing.

In my defense heaven, what you posted earlier was "you and him are both not that big on sex."  Without further clarification, not sure what else you expected any of us to think.

Again thanks for clarifying, sounds like you have a lovely thing going, so a bit confused why you are so hung up on the L word, but hopefully it will all work out.

Enjoy, be happy!

Peace.

 

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

59 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I think I am probably demisexual as well, but I am VERY into sex when with a man I am sexually attracted to and feel an emotional connection with.  Maybe too much, lol, same for him. 

Retraction.  I just researched "demisexual" and no that's not me.  But @heavenonearthif both you are your boyfriend are, that's very cool that you found each other, I honestly and truly hope it works out for you. xo

Edited March 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

7 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

My gut is telling me he'll say "ILY" just so heaven will drop the issue and he can continue the relationship.

I can't tell you the number of lies that have come out of my mouth to keep getting sex (especially when I was younger).  Me throwing an "ILY" out there once in a while... no problem.

then he could have just said it already. also not sure what you mean with me “dropping the issue”? it’s not like i constantly ask him when he will finally say it or that i am constantly hanging on his lips telling him i love him hoping he would say it back. i said it once face to face. and i have in the last 2,5 months texted it once (i wrote “wuv u” to make it cute and less heavy) and said it once or twice on facetime while he was already asleep lol because i know he would not hear it. 

so what exactly would i be “dropping”? 

[Negotaurus]

Reading your responses, perhaps I'm wrong, but could it be that in your gut you know something is amiss? You're very defensive, which isn't necessarily a "bad" thing, but the way you come across is very scared and anxious. If you were confident that he was the man for you, you wouldn't be here, trying your best to fight off any argument, would you? It's normal to be a bit confused, but it sounds like you are trying your hardest to convince everybody that it's all good, including yourself. 

Again, perhaps I'm wrong. But what do you think?

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

When it actually means something significant (like "I am in love with you") not always so easy to say.

IF he genuinely feels it and he already knows Heaven loves him, he is not risking anything, so why wouldn't he say it?
I agree difficult to say if you are bringing it up and are unsure of the reaction you will get, but he KNOWS Heaven is fully on board.
I know it may be a bit of a generalisation but people on the spectrum are well known for being very literal and truthful to the point of brutal honesty sometimes, so maybe if he doesn't feel it, he is not going to lie and say it anyway.

[heavenonearth]

42 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

Reading your responses, perhaps I'm wrong, but could it be that in your gut you know something is amiss? You're very defensive, which isn't necessarily a "bad" thing, but the way you come across is very scared and anxious. If you were confident that he was the man for you, you wouldn't be here, trying your best to fight off any argument, would you? It's normal to be a bit confused, but it sounds like you are trying your hardest to convince everybody that it's all good, including yourself. 

Again, perhaps I'm wrong. But what do you think?

of course i am anxious. i have an anxiety disorder and i worry too much all the time. i am in therapy for this as mentioned above and i am generally doing well. i did a lot of work. 

i am defensive bc people are saying things / making assumptions of my boyfriend that i don’t even see as an issue. it triggers my anxiety bc it reminds me of how i was treated in the past. 

i don’t think something is amiss, as in he is cheating or doesn’t want to truly be with me or anything of that sort.

i just wonder if the i love you is something that is truly necessary. i struggle with it. i always wanted it and needed it. but i also have had men throw these words after me and they still betrayed me and lied to me and all that. 

 

so i wonder...  my boyfriend, who is treating me wonderfully in every aspect, and who is the best boyfriend i had in all my life, but doesn’t say i love you after 10 months ... i just wonder if that’s normal or okay or if i should worry or if i shouldn’t worry? or if i would be ok with him not saying it? and if it’s a bad thing or not if everything else is perfect? 

that was my initial struggle. 

[Alpacalia]

 

Quote

 

“He said he never told anyone that he loved them before and that he has never been in love before.”

 

Do you have any idea why this is the case?

[heavenonearth]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

 

Do you have any idea why this is the case?

 

 

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by heavenonearth
felt like i was getting too personal.

[heavenonearth]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

 

Do you have any idea why this is the case?

he has not had many relationships. he only started dating in his late 20s. 

i feel that may be a factor. but of course there’s other more personal things that i am not sure i want to type here bc it’s very specific to him. 

but his family background and the way he felt at school may have something to do with it, plus him being on the spectrum. 

[Wiseman2]

Question.

Do you feel he's just emotionally constipated or fear that he doesn't love you when you love him?

[heavenonearth]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Question.

Do you feel he's just emotionally constipated or fear that he doesn't love you when you love him?

I feel loved by him, that is the issue I have. If I feel loved, then why can't he say it?
I certainly felt less loved / not loved by men before who actually did say these words.

I don't think he is emotionally constipated, we talk about our emotions all the time.

Part of me is of course scared that maybe he just does not love me. But then I don't get why he is so 'loving' in every other aspect and why he is so invested in me/us.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

But then I don't get why he is so 'loving' in every other aspect and why he is so invested in me/us.

Lots of mixed messages and unfortunately that's not a good thing.

[Gaeta]

With everything we know about him now I am wondering if he even knows how being in love feels. Movies and Medias present falling in love as if we're hit by lightnings when most of the time it's a feeling that grows over time, and not hit us over the head. 

I can't imagine he stayed 3 years with someone without loving her. It doesn't matter if it was a sexless relationship and they had issues, if he stayed that long in a difficult relationship there had to be love involved, someone not in love would not put up with difficulties that long. 

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i am defensive bc people are saying things / making assumptions of my boyfriend that i don’t even see as an issue. it triggers my anxiety...

 

Then maybe a forum isn't the best place to discuss this matter, as you are going to get a wide variety of answers to any question/problem based on other people's personal experiences.

I think each and every one of us comes to the forum with past experiences and preconceived ideas and thoughts.

[heavenonearth]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

With everything we know about him now I am wondering if he even knows how being in love feels. Movies and Medias present falling in love as if we're hit by lightnings when most of the time it's a feeling that grows over time, and not hit us over the head. 

I can't imagine he stayed 3 years with someone without loving her. It doesn't matter if it was a sexless relationship and they had issues, if he stayed that long in a difficult relationship there had to be love involved, someone not in love would not put up with difficulties that long. 

i agree and i kinda think and hope that he loved her. yet he never told her. 

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

so what exactly would i be “dropping”? 

Well you've brought the subject up and he stated he "wasn't there yet".  Each time you say "ILY" to him, I'm sure he is thinking about how to respond.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

Part of me is of course scared that maybe he just does not love me. But then I don't get why he is so 'loving' in every other aspect and why he is so invested in me/us.

From what you wrote  now deleted, he has not had many good experiences in the dating game. He is at least a few years behind most men of his age
You are, to put it bluntly, the best of a bad lot, by the sounds of things and whilst that to him may be great, and he is grateful to be learning to  be in a more normal and sexual relationship with you, it  may not translate into "love".
He may indeed move forward with you and eventually love you, or he may go "Thanks very much for the learning experience, I can now take it into my next relationships...."
Who really knows where his head is really at, but I don't think you can assume anything due to the circumstances..

[heavenonearth]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

From what you wrote  now deleted, he has not had many good experiences in the dating game. He is at least a few years behind most men of his age
You are, to put it bluntly, the best of a bad lot, by the sounds of things and whilst that to him may be great, and he is grateful to be learning to  be in a more normal and sexual relationship with you, it  may not translate into "love".
He may indeed move forward with you and eventually love you, or he may go "Thanks very much for the learning experience, I can now take it into my next relationships...."
Who really knows where his head is really at, but I don't think you can assume anything due to the circumstances..

I had never thought of it that way. I am probably just 'the best so far' but not 'the one', otherwise he would tell me he loves me, too.

This has really got me thinking and I feel incredibly insecure now.  Maybe I should ask him if he feels he needs to date more people to figure out what he really wants? I don't know what to think anymore. I feel really bad now having this realisation that I am not 'the one' for him. That I am just a learning experience for him. I guess it makes sense, if I was the one, he would have said that he loves me by now, after 10 months of dating.