he has not said 'i love you' after 10 months

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

Ok, well, I mean you both are playing devils advocate. I will report back after our next meet up where we are at, if he said it or not, I suppose.

Try and focus on all the wonderful caring things he does for you and says to you --  NOT what he has not said.  You will drive yourself crazy with that type of negative thinking. 

Like I said, and jmo from everything you've written, it could be the exact opposite of whatever you're thinking (assuming) it means..

Read up on vulnerability especially in men, it's a real thing.  

 

[Wiseman2]

Is it possible that he is talking to and seeing local women?

That would make more sense for him, given the distance, no car, Covid restrictions, his job, and financial difficulties.

He seems smitten with you, but he may be looking locally for something sustainable and serious. Hence the pushback.

It's odd you haven't considered this, particularly since he can't even cough up an i love you.

Edited March 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[heavenonearth]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it possible that he is talking to and seeing local women?

That would make more sense for him, given the distance, no car, Covid restrictions, his job, and financial difficulties.

He seems smitten with you, but he may be looking locally for something sustainable and serious. Hence the pushback.

It's odd you haven't considered this, particularly since he can't even cough up an i love you.

100% not! Trust so is freaking important to me and if I would not trust him, I would not freaking be dating him!

Edited March 18, 2021 by heavenonearth

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

100% not! Trust so is freaking important to me and if I would not trust him, I would not freaking be dating him!

Ok, but just because you trust him does not mean he is not up to no good unfortunately.

[heavenonearth]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ok, but just because you trust him does not mean he is not up to no good unfortunately.

omg, that is not him! he is such a loyal person, he would never betray me like this! i always had trust issues with people and have been hurt so much by men... and this is the first time i actually trust someone, and 100% because of how he is treating me. i definitely should not trust him based on my experiences, but he literally does not give me any reason to not trust him, quite the opposite. he is always there for me and i always know where he is or what he is doing (not because i ask, but because we like sharing our days as much as we can). and even if we wouldn't share this much, there is literally not a single indication that he would be cheating on me or trying to meet other women. this is just ridiculous now. why are you all trying to make him look like this bad person? he is such a wonderful person. i really don't get it.

[Negotaurus]

If I were you I'd be open to having him around, I'd enjoy it, but I'd still protect my heart. 

I was in a LDR, I thought he was wonderful. He was confident, lovely, supportive, so loyal, always there for me, yadiyadiyada. Well, found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. And when we lived together, he was just weird, insecure, abusive, willing to crash his car to check out other women. Everything he ever said was a lie. Everything he continues to say to this day is a lie. 

We also met many many times before we moved in together. We spent months together. I'm not saying this exact thing will happen to you, but keep in mind it's all wonderful whenever you finally get to meet, but reality is often very different. 

I don't know what to say about him not saying "those words". I don't say it either, people often tell me I'm emotionally constipated (lol) but personally I simply wouldn't say it if I didn't 110% feel it. 

Just wanted to offer you my thoughts, protect yourself. 

Edited March 18, 2021 by Negotaurus

[heavenonearth]

13 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

If I were you I'd be open to having him around, I'd enjoy it, but I'd still protect my heart. 

I was in a LDR, I thought he was wonderful. He was confident, lovely, supportive, so loyal, always there for me, yadiyadiyada. Well, found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. And when we lived together, he was just weird, insecure, abusive, willing to crash his car to check out other women. Everything he ever said was a lie. Everything he continues to say to this day is a lie. 

We also met many many times before we moved in together. We spent months together. I'm not saying this exact thing will happen to you, but keep in mind it's all wonderful whenever you finally get to meet, but reality is often very different. 

I don't know what to say about him not saying "those words". I don't say it either, people often tell me I'm emotionally constipated (lol) but personally I simply wouldn't say it if I didn't 110% feel it. 

Just wanted to offer you my thoughts, protect yourself. 

So what do you suggest I do when you say to be 'open to having him around'?

Should I break up with him? Or contact him less? Or tell him that I don't want to have the commitment anymore?

Not really sure what you are advising me. I am a bit clueless now on how to proceed. Things have been going so well. 

Maybe I should end it? And at what point would I then actually consider him to be my life partner and not just someone I am open to having around? Like, where is the cutoff point? At what point does one consider the other to be someone you fully trust?

I am so confused now. This thread made me feel really insecure all of a sudden. I don't know how to proceed now. 

I just wanna be with him  

Edited March 18, 2021 by heavenonearth

[Negotaurus]

3 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

So what do you suggest I do when you say to be 'open to having him around'?

Should I break up with him? Or contact him less? Or tell him that I don't want to have the commitment anymore?

Not really sure what you are advising me. I am a bit clueless now on how to proceed. Things have been going so well. 

Maybe I should end it? And at what point would I then actually consider him to be my life partner and not just someone I am open to having around? Like, where is the cutoff point? At what point does one consider the other to be someone you fully trust?

I am so confused now. This thread made me feel really insecure all of a sudden. I don't know how to proceed now. 

I just wanna be with him  

I am sorry, I didn't want to make you feel bad. 

I don't know about you but I can be involved with people and make the best out of it, by having an open mind and not allowing myself to get too attached. Long distance relationships ARE intoxicating, thanks to the constant dreaming and fantasizing. Try keep a clear head, be realistic about it. If it makes you feel good, why end it? Yes, things can go south real fast, like they can with anybody. And my example was an extreme one, but it is true that you do not fully know him as of now. And that's fine. Just don't let it eat you up. 

[Gaeta]

Heaven: Of course not, don't breakup with him. 

Personally what worries me is you've given this man 100% of your trust and you refuse to accept there is a risk here he may not be who he appears to be. You've met him 6 times and you'd cut your arm off you believe in him so much. This is a setup for you to get hurt really badly. Enjoy yourself but remain logic. 

[heavenonearth]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Heaven: Of course not, don't breakup with him. 

Personally what worries me is you've given this man 100% of your trust and you refuse to accept there is a risk here he may not be who he appears to be. You've met him 6 times and you'd cut your arm off you believe in him so much. This is a setup for you to get hurt really badly. Enjoy yourself but remain logic. 

Well, the thing is that in my previous relationships I never had any trust, I was very jealous and had bad abandonment issues. I was hurt a lot by men, and also was in an abusive relationship when younger. I was lied to and cheated on, etc etc. A lot of my relationships ended bc of me being self destructive and having a lot of abandonment anxiety and thus self-sabotaging my relationships. 

I have been in therapy for two years and have made a lot of changes due to the help of the therapy and my wonderful therapist. I am so happy I can finally trust someone, my current partner, and he has never given me any reason to doubt him. I felt I am finally in a healthy relationship. So if I now stop trusting him 100%, what will that mean for me and my anxiety? I feel I would spiral downward very fast. I don't want to doubt him, I really don't. 

But I feel you are right, maybe I trust him too much? Gosh, I am so confused right now.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

Well, the thing is that in my previous relationships I never had any trust, I was very jealous and had bad abandonment issues. I was hurt a lot by men, and also was in an abusive relationship when younger. I was lied to and cheated on, etc etc. A lot of my relationships ended bc of me being self destructive and having a lot of abandonment anxiety and thus self-sabotaging my relationships. 

But I feel you are right, maybe I trust him too much? Gosh, I am so confused right now.

So you've had trust issues for many years and  you worked hard to resolve those issues then when it's time to trust someone again you pick to give your trust to a man that is long distance that you saw only 6 times? Being able to trust someone is a wonderful gift you give yourself but you have to be wise in who you pick to give your trust to. 

I am not telling you to doubt him, my advice is not about him per say but about this situation you're in. You could be dating Joe, John, Jack it's not about them, it's about understanding the long distance situation is something you need to be cautious of. 

[introverted1]

On 3/16/2021 at 11:16 PM, heavenonearth said:

i have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. we are in a long distance relationship in different countries, so we don't see each other very often. because of the pandemic, we have now been apart for 2,5 months.

the last time we saw each other, january 1st, i told him that i loved him. he replied "i know the cliche thing would be for me to say it back but i am just not there yet" but then he kissed me and looked at me intensely for a long time and we cuddled... 

anyway, i just feel weird about it now having been 10 months and he still has not said it back.

What led you post here and to post the above specifically? 

No one here knows you or your bf personally so anyone posting in your thread is simply reading what could be behind your OP and sharing their wisdom/experience/caution.  It seems that any time a poster suggests you should tread with care, you double-down on defending your bf. 

My take is similar to what was discussed several pages ago:  You see this as 10 months dating, while your bf may see this as 6 prolonged dates. Neither view is wrong and in fact both are factually accurate, but the frame will affect many things, including whether your bf feels in love at this point. He may also be aware that limerance fades and the highs and lows of only being able to see each other sporadically, albeit for several days at a time, is not a good proxy for day-to-day life.

 

[elaine567]

Not sure why if you have had a lot of trust issues, you felt an LDR was the way to go.
LDRs are difficult to maintain and loneliness is often easily cured by stepping out with other partners. 
Asking full blooded young men and women to be celibate for weeks and months on end is often a very big ask... whether they are "in love" or not
 

[heavenonearth]

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Not sure why if you have had a lot of trust issues, you felt an LDR was the way to go.
LDRs are difficult to maintain and loneliness is often easily cured by stepping out with other partners. 
Asking full blooded young men and women to be celibate for weeks and months on end is often a very big ask... whether they are "in love" or not
 

I mentioned in another post that we both are not really that big on sex, as in, it is not a priority for us. Also, meeting anyone for random sex would be highly irresponsible in Covid times. If we were about breaking rules/laws, we could as well just travel to see each other to have the sex we so desperately need. We aren't animals, lol. 

[poppyfields]

17 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

He said he never told anyone that he loved them before and that he has never been in love before.

Heaven, trust and respect him enough to allow him to proceed expressing his deep emotions to you at his own pace.  If you continue to tell him you love him, expecting him to say it back before he's ready, you may succeed in pushing him right out the proverbial door.

If you have trust and abandonment issues, continue seeking therapy, these issues are not your boyfriend's fault, and not his to fix.

Not saying ILY at 10 months is not the huge issue you seem to think it is, especially considering all the kind, caring wonderful things he does for you on a consistent basis, telling you he's never been this invested or felt closer to a woman.  

It's been less than one year.  Try to relax and enjoy the close bond you have with this man, allow it to proceed forward at its own pace.  It's sounds awesome, in fact it's what I hope to find with a man someday, consider yourself lucky and stop trying to sabotage it with insecurities due to your past.

The past is history, the future is a mystery and the present is a gift, which is why it's called the "present." ❤️

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Not sure why if you have had a lot of trust issues, you felt an LDR was the way to go.

Yes... I wasn't sure how far 700km was, so I converted it to miles which is approximately 435 miles.  Then I picked a city 435 miles from me and it was about a 7 hour drive (one way)... That is FAR!!

Perhaps both Heaven and her boyfriend prefer a "part time" relationship utilizing this large distance as justification for minimal "in person" contact.  Maybe both prefer "part time" or "minimal" in person contact.

As a general rule, I would never date anyone over 1 hour drive from my location, much less someone in a different country.  It would be too difficult for the relationship to grow.

[poppyfields]

To add @heavenonearthyou said you find it easy to say ILY, and therefore don't understand why he is unable to.

Well, my response to that is he is not you.  Many of us seem to forget that, we believe since we have no issue saying or doing something, our partner must feel the same.  Relationships do not work like that, your boyfriend is separate from you, he has his own style, his own way of expressing himself.

Also, I suggested this earlier but research men and vulnerability it is a very real thing.  Like I said, when experiencing deep emotions, it's often very difficult for a man to express those emotions verbally, heck it's what many love songs are made of - a man feeling an abundance of love but not being able to express those emotions to the woman he loves.

Fears, anxieties --- vulnerability.  There are a ton of great articles discussing this all over the internet.

Anyway, nuff said from me and wish you both all the best.

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes... I wasn't sure how far 700km was, so I converted it to miles which is approximately 435 miles.  Then I picked a city 435 miles from me and it was about a 7 hour drive (one way)... That is FAR!!

Perhaps both Heaven and her boyfriend prefer a "part time" relationship utilizing this large distance as justification for minimal "in person" contact.  Maybe both prefer "part time" or "minimal" in person contact.

As a general rule, I would never date anyone over 1 hour drive from my location, much less someone in a different country.  It would be too difficult for the relationship to grow.

We are 500 km apart now (used to be 700 before I moved). And no, we do not prefer minimal in person contact, but because we are both sort of good on our own, it is not difficult to maintain or grow a bond for us on a distance. i asked him today if he thinks our bond would be stronger if we were in the same place. he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some. and then we gain some from the distance in other ways. if/when you ask me to compare like that, i will say it is the same but maybe in different ways'. I guess I could agree with that in the sense that it is not perfect but there are a lot of positives to this sort of relationship also. and it won't be like this forever. i will get vaccinated in april and he will in june. after that we will be able to see each other 2-3 weekends each month!  

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

He said he never told anyone that he loved them before and that he has never been in love before.

How old is he?

What about other people in his life or even pets, does he actually love them?
Is he capable of love?
Some people just aren't. 

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How old is he?

What about other people in his life or even pets, does he actually love them?
Is he capable of love?
Some people just aren't. 

True, some people are not capable but in his case, his actions clearly indicate he is but not quite there with respect to verbally expressing.  Specifically the L word.  He has expressed his feelings in other ways, such as telling Heaven he has never been this invested or felt closer to a woman

That is HUGE!  Heaven, why do you disregard these sentiments, choosing to focus on those "three magic words," which given how they are so capriciously tossed around by people who end up cheating or otherwise treating their partners like crap, don't mean jack sh**.

  

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How old is he?

What about other people in his life or even pets, does he actually love them?
Is he capable of love?
Some people just aren't. 

He is 33. And I mean I am 100% sure he is capable of love, he is such a kind and loving and caring person, I think he loves my cats too, he always says how much he misses them, and he used to have a cat that he loved very much too. Today he sent me a video petting his mom's cat that he was visiting this afternoon and he is sad bc the cat does not like him.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

i asked him today if he thinks our bond would be stronger if we were in the same place. he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some. and then we gain some from the distance in other ways. 

I can definitely relate to this, the distance.  Listen to Esther Perel's video "The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship," she discusses this, how adding distance can increase the bond you have with your partner.  It's been true in my own relationships as well.

 

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

Just now, poppyfields said:

True, some people are not capable but in his case, his actions clearly indicate he is but not quite there with respect to verbally expressing those words. 

 He verbally expressed himself quite clearly actually, he is just not there.
Plenty people are capable of going through the motions of "caring" but don't actually feel "love".
It is quite easy to hug and kiss and have sex and  be nice and understanding.
Most decent people could do all that standing on their head but the love part may just not be there.
33 and never been in love, is a tad concerning.

[poppyfields]

51 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

i asked him today if he thinks our bond would be stronger if we were in the same place. he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some. and then we gain some from the distance in other ways. if/when you ask me to compare like that, i will say it is the same but maybe in different ways'. I guess I could agree with that in the sense that it is not perfect but there are a lot of positives to this sort of relationship also. and it won't be like this forever. i will get vaccinated in april and he will in june. after that we will be able to see each other 2-3 weekends each month!  

Heaven, I will be honest with you.  You don't sound compatible, I am sorry.  His first statement bolded above is quite telling.  He is a man who needs a certain amount of distance in a relationship.  There are many people like this, I am one.  I am capable of love, passion, and deep emotion but at the same time, I do require a certain amount of distance.  The men I have had relationships with were the same.

I think I posted this yesterday, but he seems quite suited to this long distance arrangement and there is nothing wrong or bad about that, except for the fact that YOU desire more closeness.

Your hope is after you both get vaccinated you will be see him 2-3 weekends each month.  Well I will be very curious how he responds to that.  It may be too much togetherness for him.  Again, nothing wrong with that, except that, again, you need more closeness, more togetherness.

Nevermind the fact he is unable to express those "three magic words," my sense after reading the quote above is that he is quite suited to this long distance arrangement, which is why he reached out to you in the first place, a woman who lived 700 km away the time.  

I would think long and hard about this, you seem to be on completely different wavelengths regarding the amount of time spent together and space you both need to be happy and comfortable.

Just my opinion, I truly hope I am wrong.

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 He verbally expressed himself quite clearly actually, he is just not there.
Plenty people are capable of going through the motions of "caring" but don't actually feel "love".
It is quite easy to hug and kiss and have sex and  be nice and understanding.
Most decent people could do all that standing on their head but the love part may just not be there.
33 and never been in love, is a tad concerning.

He said he wasn't quite there with respect to saying it, not feeling it, I believe Heaven clarified that.  

Anyway, not worth debating about, there are bigger issues for Heaven to consider and address with him which I just posted about.

I truly hate to say this Heaven, but I don't envision things ending well for you, again I hope I am wrong, not because he can't say the L word, but because of what I just posted about.  You need more togetherness, he needs more distance.  I am sorry to say that.

 

Edited March 18, 2021 by poppyfields