he has not said 'i love you' after 10 months

[ShyViolet]

How many times have you actually met him in person?

[heavenonearth]

26 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If he was hooked up on someone else this long distance relationship is exactly what he needs...
Many people in long distance relationships are hiding away from something.
They can't hack the day to day real stuff so end up in a world of texts and videos... and fantasy... 

His last girlfriend and him broke up a year before we met. He went on a few dates after but never met someone he wanted to pursue long term. He said when he met me it was instantly different. We have seen each other 6 times in 10 months and every time for about 4 days to a week. We literally talk all day every day and he always tells me where he is going and what he is doing (because he wants to). We are super communicative and he has never lied to me about anything. Sometimes i wonder if he is even too honest (he is also on the spectrum, by the way). 

[heavenonearth]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If you've been dating 10 months it means your relationship started right in the first wave of Covid. You 2 living in different countries and knowing you're in Europe where confinements are strict, I'm thinking how much of this relationship was actually face to face? 

We met six times and each time between 4 days to a week. He visited me four times and I visited him two times. We have a real great physical chemistry and being together is very easy for us. We talk every day for many hours.

And we have not been able to see each other since New Years because of new restrictions with tests and such 

If he would come see me, he'd have to self isolate for ten days upon returning, which he cannot do because of his job (he already did so when he returned on New Years and it meant he did not get paid for that week, so he cannot afford that again). And I cannot go see him because restrictions are even harder the other way around.

In his country he will likely be vaccinated by July and I will get my vaccine in April so it will get easier afterwards with the visiting, hopefully. We really look forward to visiting each other more frequently in the near future. 

 

 

[heavenonearth]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

How many times have you actually met him in person?

6

[Gaeta]

You need to understand that it's normal for long distance relationships to be intoxicating. You are always living in the anticipation of seeing each other and when you see each other it's always beautiful because it's like a mini vacations and you fully concentrate on each other but that is not representative of what life would be with him, or how life would be with you. 

A big number of those long distance relationships don't make it once the distance is eliminated because life is nothing like the fantasy you've been living in for 1-2 years. Couples think they'll move in together and it'll be the continuity of what they started long distance but it's not because * you don't really know this person *. 

[Calmandfocused]

I am not a advocate of Long Distance Relationships. Personally I’d rather be single than be committed to a person I cannot see... each to their own. 
 

The reality is that you have spent less time together than 2 people who have been dating a couple of months.
 

On that basis; Of course he doesn’t love you! How can he when he’s spent such little time with you? You may argue your point about phone/ text contact but that does not equate to “being” together or “getting to know someone” properly IMO. 
 

 

 

[poppyfields]

Hi Heaven, welcome back.

To me, his response was ambiguous.  “He’s not there yet.”  He’s not there with what?  Telling you he loves you or actually feeling he loves you?  If me, and I was questioning, after ten months I would seeking clarification about that.

Which begs the question, what was your response after he said it?  

I dunno Heaven, if you feel through his actions he loves you despite him not saying the words, then go with that.

I know hearing the words is important to many women, fair enough.  To me not so much, probably because growing up, neither my dad nor mom ever said it, BUT my dad proved to me in many ways through his actions how much he loved me.

So now that is what’s most important to me.  Actions.  Also, my main love languages are “acts of service” and “quality time,” which is why long distance over time would not work for me.

But you do you.  Ask yourself, are you happy?  Do you feel loved and cherished despite not hearing the words?

If the answer is yes, stay.

If the answer is no, if you’re questioning and feeling off balance about it, leave.

Best of luck whatever you decide, and don't be such a stranger round here!! 😄

[poppyfields]

Heaven, you may have answered this in a previous thread, but how did you meet?  Did he reach out to you long distance on a dating app?  If so, did you ever ask yourself (or him) why he chose to reach out to a woman who lived long distance versus locally?

When I did OLDing, I received quite a few messages from men who lived long distance and I never really trusted it.  Not on a dating app, where the purpose is to actually date, which to me means spending time together in person on a regular basis.

He may not be married or in another relationship but it's possible this long distance arrangement suits him just fine, for any number of reasons.

I agree with Gaeta, long distance interactions can be intoxicating.  In your case I don't think it's fantasy as you've spent major time together in person, you've been physically intimate and obviously there is a genuine emotional bond as well.

But nevertheless, here is a man who after ten months is apparently "not there yet" with respect to feeling or saying he loves you, and who's making no real effort to close the distance between you.

I dunno, up to you Heaven, good luck.

 

 

 

Edited March 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

29 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

6

Six??  I'd be running for the hills if some woman told me she loved me after only six in-person meets.

@heavenonearth Slow your roll or you're going to scare this guy off.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Six??  I'd be running for the hills if some woman told me she loved me after only six in-person meets.

@heavenonearth Slow your roll or you're going to scare this guy off.

It's different with on line though Lemming.  They're talking, communicating, connecting every single day on FaceTime, and have grown emotionally close that way.

You can't dismiss that.

Also their six in person meets were four days to a week each time.

6 meets x 4 days each (at the least) = 24

That is more than enough time to fall in love, imo.

But apparently "he's not there yet" after 10 months and making no effort to close the distance.

That is what I would be concerned about, if I were in Heaven's shoes.

 

Edited March 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

6 meets x 4 days each (at the least) = 24

I understand what you are saying, but even at 24 dates, I'd be a little concerned if someone started throwing around the "I love you" stuff... 

Doing the math, if I went out with someone 3X a week and after 8 weeks and she starts throwing around a bunch of "I Love You's"... that would be cause for concern (for me).

In my opinion, the texts, facetime, etc.. stuff is "pen pal" long distance stuff, I don't really count that as "dating".

Again, this is just one guy's opinion...  some guy's might be comfortable with it... some may not.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I understand what you are saying, but even at 24 dates, I'd be a little concerned if someone started throwing around the "I love you" stuff... 

Doing the math, if I went out with someone 3X a week and after 8 weeks and she starts throwing around a bunch of "I Love You's"... that would be cause for concern (for me).

In my opinion, the texts, facetime, etc.. stuff is "pen pal" long distance stuff, I don't really count that as "dating".

Again, this is just one guy's opinion...  some guy's might be comfortable with it... some may not.

Bolded, if they hadn't met in person, I would agree, it's not dating.

But since they have, and spent what I would consider major time together (spending 4 days to an entire week together on 6 different occasions is major imo), and have established they are in a "relationship," then you can't discount all the time they spend together facetiming, messaging, etc. when they're apart.

But like you and others have said, if he does need more in-person time together to determine how he feels, then why isn't he making more of an effort to close the distance?

I don't know, jmo but I am getting the sense this man is perfectly fine with this long distance arrangement, and has no intention of closing the distance.  I am not suggesting he doesn't have feelings for Heaven, but I don't believe he is as serious about her as she is about him.

Just my sense from reading all her threads, I could be wrong, I hope I am!!

 

[Gaeta]

I was reading an article on those long distance relationships or relationships with sparse dates.

People think of relationship investments in terms of time invested. OP comes on here stating she's been dating this man for 10 months but in reality  she has been dating  him 6 times X 5 days per visit, she's been dating him an equivalent of 30 dates.

Women being big on connection includes in their calculation those 270 days with no face to face time. Men being more on the logical side of things understand his investment in Heaven is 6 visits at 5 days each. 

That being said what I find fishy on his part is *he's not there yet* in terms of love but he's ok with her moving in with him. That would make me very very wary and I would NOT uproot myself, move to another country with all that involves, leave my friends and family, change job, all this for a man that is not *there yet*.

Edited March 17, 2021 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

In my opinion, the texts, facetime, etc.. stuff is "pen pal" long distance stuff, I don't really count that as "dating".

Well, sounds like the article I read was spot on. 

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

...and has no intention of closing the distance. 

I'm trying to remember, but I don't think this guy is allowed to leave his country... some restriction or something??  I could be wrong, it might be someone else.

I think Heaven can travel to him, but he can't leave his country??

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Well, sounds like the article I read was spot on. 

OK... I would agree with you that I (male) have more of a numbers/logical thought process on this matter. 

Your article appears to have merit.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I think Heaven can travel to him, but he can't leave his country??

He did visit her in her country, she mentions it higher up.

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Well, sounds like the article I read was spot on. 

Just out of curiosity, what would you call a couple who are in an established relationship but for whatever reason, need to be separated for a time, due to work, school, family or whatever?

And they keep their connection alive through facetime and messaging, are they not dating?

My ex and I were long distance early last year, and we stayed connected through phone calls and messaging mostly, were we not dating?

I see no difference here really, Heaven and her boyfriend have spent major time together, are in a relationship and stay connected through phone, messaging and FT.

Of course, they're dating.  They're in a relationship, no?

I'm confused.

 

 

Edited March 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

 

If he would come see me, he'd have to self isolate for ten days upon returning, which he cannot do because of his job (he already did so when he returned on New Years and it meant he did not get paid for that week, so he cannot afford that again).

 

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He did visit her in her country, she mentions it higher up.

OK... I see that now. Maybe I was thinking it was mentioned in a previous thread.

It does appear to be quite cumbersome & expensive (with a 10 day isolation period) for him to leave his county, though.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Just out of curiosity, what would you call a couple who are in an established relationship but for whatever reason, need to be separated for a time, due to work, school, family or whatever?

And they keep their connection alive through facetime and messaging, are they not dating?

The difference is you have already established a relationship of substance face to face. You've spent 1,2,3 years together, got to know each other flaws, weaknesses & qualities. You know how it is to be in each other's space day in and day out. You know he's not a drunk, not a drug addict, you know his credit cards aren't maxed out, you know how he is when he's frustrated, angry, disappointed. All these things you discover by being with someone in real time. 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

It does appear to be quite cumbersome & expensive (with a 10 day isolation period) for him to leave his county, though.

I agree, which again begs the question, why would he intentionally reach out to a woman (Heaven) on a dating app knowing how difficult it would be spending actual real time together?  They've been together 10 months, which means he first reached out during Covid.  Why?

I recall wondering about this, and asking Heaven on her very first thread.

To quote @introverted1 from another thread "something's rotten in Denmark."

JMO, I hope I am wrong.

Edited March 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

I dated my ex-husband long distance for 3 years before we marry. We were only 3 hours apart and he visited me almost every weekend and we spent vacations and holidays together. Then we got married and we moved in together. It was like moving in with a stranger! and not a good stranger. I had seen nothing of that during our 'long distance' dating because our time together was limited so it was always fun. 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I dated my ex-husband long distance for 3 years before we marry. We were only 3 hours apart and he visited me almost every weekend and we spent vacations and holidays together. Then we got married and we moved in together. It was like moving in with a stranger! and not a good stranger. I had seen nothing of that during our 'long distance' dating because our time together was limited so it was always fun. 

Yeah I have heard that too, which is actually why some couples prefer long distance relationships, they always remain exciting and fun!

Again jmo and I hope I am wrong but there appears to be more going on here than him "not being there yet" with respect to the L word.

 

 

[heavenonearth]

Will reply to what the most recent replies were about...:

Yes, we were able to visit each other more often last year, because the Covid restrictions were not as strict then. He came to see me 4 (or five?) times and I went to see him two times. 

Since about Christmas time, the restrictions have been more strict. I also have moved country since and the country I am in now has tighter restrictions than the country I lived in before. Already the last time he visited me (from Christmas til New Years) he had to self-isolate after returning and could not go to work for a whole week which meant he did not earn money that week (he works as a cook so does not have much of a salary nor benefits). So if we would want to visit each other now, it would mean a 150 EUR PCR test to fly, then another 150 EUR PCR test when HERE and another one upon return. Same goes for when I visit him, except I don't have to do a test upon returning. It's a bit much and we cannot afford this right now, especially because I just moved and spent a lot of money on that. Driving is not an option as he does not have a car.

Some have said that they think he is not as invested because he has not said I love you. I want to say that I feel this is unfair towards him. Yes, he has not said it yet and yes I am struggling with it. But I never really thought up until today that that would mean he is not as invested as I am. He constantly is there for me, we talk every day, when I am down he is there for me, he would always available when I call him, no matter if he is with friends, family or at work. He shows me I am his priority. And he is very communicative and has said that his way of showing how important I am to him and how attached he is to me is by being in this with me, no matter to challenging it is, esp with the distance and with the pandemic. Also many sweet little things he does, like sending me surprise packages, making cute drawings, writing songs for me, crafting me a christmas calender etc. He said he never been so invested in anyone before. And he said he never felt so close to someone before.People are writing that it seems he is not attempting to 'close the gap' between the two of us, but where exactly did you get that impression from? Just wondering. If it is because he cannot see me right now, understand there are restrictions that just cant make it happen right now.

With regards to him being perfectly fine with the LDR arrangement: Nah. He f***ing hates it. He thinks it is complicated and challenging and sometimes even draining and he wishes we were in the same place and he's never done something like this before, so has no prior experience to how to do it. There is no manual for this. He saw me on the dating app, liked my photos, swiped right, saw that I was 700 km away, wrote me anyway because he 'could not pass on knowing what was behind the pictures' or something like that... I think he thought at first maybe I was someone local who was currently abroad traveling or for work or something like that... course when we started talking he could not just say "sorry too far away" -- why, if you feel a spark? you only live once :)) i am so happy he went for it! 

And yes, we talked about living together in the future. It was important for me to know if he would be up for that, especially because I am investing in a long distance relationship here. Of course it would suck to just be in an LDR without knowing if there is a future together in the same place one day. We have talked about this and he said he can imagine very much to live with together with me. I want to move to his country anyway (reason why we met to begin with), and yes, I definitely would leave everything I have here behind to do so --- because I really wouldn't leave anything behind. I just left my last country of residence after 8 years and am now in a place where I literally know nobody. Not a big deal for me, done this many times in my life and I love living in different places and new adventures. My job is remotely so I can live anywhere i want

 

Hope this clarified some things. 

 

[heavenonearth]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I dated my ex-husband long distance for 3 years before we marry. We were only 3 hours apart and he visited me almost every weekend and we spent vacations and holidays together. Then we got married and we moved in together. It was like moving in with a stranger! and not a good stranger. I had seen nothing of that during our 'long distance' dating because our time together was limited so it was always fun. 

Sometimes people who live in the same city date for two months and then move in together and stay together for many years and are compatible just like that. 

So if that can happen, why can't it happen for two people who are in a long distance relationship for a year or two?