heavenonearth Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 i have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. we are in a long distance relationship in different countries, so we don't see each other very often. because of the pandemic, we have now been apart for 2,5 months. the last time we saw each other, january 1st, i told him that i loved him. he replied "i know the cliche thing would be for me to say it back but i am just not there yet" but then he kissed me and looked at me intensely for a long time and we cuddled... anyway, i just feel weird about it now having been 10 months and he still has not said it back. since that day i told him that i love him, i have only said it again 3 times. it was always when he was half asleep over facetime, bc then i dare to do it, knowing he is too tired to make a thing out of it. i am very expressive with feelings and words and so it is important to me to express that i love him whenever i can. i am starting to be scared he will never say it. i wonder how important it truly is to me, because my love language is words of affirmation, after all. but i wonder if i could live without him saying it for a long time, if ever (mind, he's never told ANYONE "i love you" before). he is generally a very affectionate boyfriend (was not in the beginning, but that has changed A LOT since), always says sweet things and has sweet nicknames for me, etc. so i am wondering ... if that changed, maybe the "i love you" thing will change too with time?... wonder if he is just slow or if he is changing bc of me? (mind, i have NEVER demanded such from him.) am i silly for thinking he will still say it one day? should i just give up on it? i wonder if i put too much meaning to it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Don't make any decisions until after the pandemic is over and the two of you can spend more time together. Give the relationship a chance to let the "love" grow with more "in-person" contact. He may need to be around you more before he starts to feel "love". 6 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 There was another thread about this recently. You might find some good insights here. The issue comes down to whether he feels it but just doesn't say it, or doesn't and will never feel it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Hello Heavenonearth nice to see you again. Back in September you had a thread about him not saying sweet things and apparently he's saying plenty of them now? How long did it take him to start using compliments and sweet names with you? If it took longer than usual then I'd think it will be the same for an ILY. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 It's unfortunate that he didn't say it back. It's 10 months long distance. When you said it in January it was what, 7-8 months? Given the distance, things take longer. He may need more time actually with you to fall in love. I'd hang in there if everything is OK until the world re-opens. If after you spend 3-4 months more conventionally if he's not there, then you can give up. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Stop letting yourself be so invested in a guy who you are not able to be with in person, and who has told you that he's not there yet in terms of saying he loves you. How is he supposed to "get there" when this is a long-distance relationship and you are not able to develop that in-person connection with each other? Just take a step back and stop letting your expectations get too high. If in the future the two of you are able to be together in person and have time together, as a normal relationship should be, then see if things progress. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 “But honey, you’ve kissed me...you know how I feel about you...” then wink at her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: Don't make any decisions until after the pandemic is over and the two of you can spend more time together. Give the relationship a chance to let the "love" grow with more "in-person" contact. He may need to be around you more before he starts to feel "love". Yes, I guess that makes sense. It's just that he says with other words all the time how invested he is in us, how he wants to 'build something with me', how he thinks we have this incredible strong bond that he never felt before with anybody, etc. So I wonder why it is so hard to express this with an 'I love you'. Especially because everything else he odes and says screams that he loves me. This man wants to fall asleep with me on facetime nearly every night for the past 10 months... 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: Hello Heavenonearth nice to see you again. Back in September you had a thread about him not saying sweet things and apparently he's saying plenty of them now? How long did it take him to start using compliments and sweet names with you? If it took longer than usual then I'd think it will be the same for an ILY. Yes! He has improved so much with all this. And I never even demanded it from him, he just started doing it. The nickname stuff also came very naturally. It took some time but he says he is "very attached" to me, and he writes me I am beautiful and cute and all this stuff now all the time. I do hope that the ILY will follow, yes... I am just insecure about it, I suppose. I never been in a relationship that was simultaneously so healthy and rewarding, but at the same time not having heard the ILY yet. Usually guys have told me between the 2 and 6 month mark. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: It's unfortunate that he didn't say it back. It's 10 months long distance. When you said it in January it was what, 7-8 months? Given the distance, things take longer. He may need more time actually with you to fall in love. I'd hang in there if everything is OK until the world re-opens. If after you spend 3-4 months more conventionally if he's not there, then you can give up. I really wonder how that works. Maybe I just cannot fathom because I work so very differently. I knew I would one day love him, when I first met him. And I fell in love with him really quick, I think I knew I loved him at the 3 month mark. And then I held it in until the 7,5 month mark! And I was so happy to tell him and I feel so much more free in the relationship now but at the same time, I get really insecure every time I say it and he does not say it back. Part of me hopes that he will say it when we next see each other (hopefully April, fingers crossed), but if it wont happen, I am scared I will be crushed... He did say he "fell" for me the moment he saw my picture, so i always was under the impression we had the same wow effect with each other. And then over time that just grew into a strong bond and true love. Just wonder what it takes for this guy to actually love me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Stop letting yourself be so invested in a guy who you are not able to be with in person, and who has told you that he's not there yet in terms of saying he loves you. How is he supposed to "get there" when this is a long-distance relationship and you are not able to develop that in-person connection with each other? Just take a step back and stop letting your expectations get too high. If in the future the two of you are able to be together in person and have time together, as a normal relationship should be, then see if things progress. I like to think that he is invested in me the same amount I am invested in him. Maybe my expectations are too high indeed though and he just isn't as into me as I am into him. Pains me to think that. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 I'm somebody who is very cautious with my heart. I need that instant chemistry, "love at first sight" thing but that is really about lust. Once I decide I like/lust somebody then I'm open to dating them. I tried dating people without that zing. I never worked for me; love didn't develop. Once I'm interested physically then I get to know somebody & that takes time. While I know the words come easily, the feelings take much longer so your guy makes some sense to me. You do too because I also know what it's like to hold it in & feel relieved / free-er when it is finally spoken. I'm giving him more of a pass due to the distance and Covid. Once normalcy resumes, I'd take more stock but that is just me. If him not expressing the same sentiment now is crushing your spirit & damaging your love for him, there is no real point in dragging things out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 12 hours ago, heavenonearth said: we are in a long distance relationship in different countries Where is this actually going? Yes, there is the pandemic but how practical and viable is this relationship long term? If it isn't and he knows that, then it is in his best interests to not say anything that would say he is deadly serious about you, like ILY. I guess there is a reason why he has chosen not do the "normal" thing and just say it after you opened your heart to him. Seems to me that is rarely a good thing, either he simply doesn't feel it or is still hooked up on someone else or he is playing mind games or he is emotionally unavailable/commitmentphobic or is in fact half way out the door... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 21 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: This man wants to fall asleep with me on facetime nearly every night for the past 10 months... OH stop that!!! It's not safe to have your mobile wave next to your head every night of the week!! and for 10 months?? Our phones emit small doses of electromagnetic radiation it can also set your pillow on fire. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 26 minutes ago, Gaeta said: it can also set your pillow on fire Hmmm, sounds exciting! A lot of guys rarely say "I love you" except in challenging times. Whatsamatter, you no lika Squint Eastwood?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 1 hour ago, heavenonearth said: I like to think that he is invested in me the same amount I am invested in him. Maybe my expectations are too high indeed though and he just isn't as into me as I am into him. Pains me to think that. He already clearly told you that he is not as invested as you are, when you said "I love you" and he didn't say it back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: I'm somebody who is very cautious with my heart. I need that instant chemistry, "love at first sight" thing but that is really about lust. Once I decide I like/lust somebody then I'm open to dating them. I tried dating people without that zing. I never worked for me; love didn't develop. Once I'm interested physically then I get to know somebody & that takes time. While I know the words come easily, the feelings take much longer so your guy makes some sense to me. You do too because I also know what it's like to hold it in & feel relieved / free-er when it is finally spoken. I'm giving him more of a pass due to the distance and Covid. Once normalcy resumes, I'd take more stock but that is just me. If him not expressing the same sentiment now is crushing your spirit & damaging your love for him, there is no real point in dragging things out. It is not crushing my spirit, in fact, I thought it would be way more difficult for me, but I guess bc he shows me in other ways, how much he cares for me and how important i am to me (including saying that i am important to him, that he is very attached to me, spending christmas and new years with me, sending me cute birthday surprise box with all my favorite things from his country, being there for me when i am having difficult time, always being available to me etc..) So I guess because of all that I been doing good with him not saying that but sometimes it comes through that it's been almost a year and I guess I just want it for us, to both say it. Maybe it is the last step for me that I need to feel 100% safe. perhaps that is dumb. i know people who are in long term relationships where these words are never said, and i know everyone is different. but i really just wish for it, i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Like I started with, since the other stuff is good hang on a bit more. Just because he may be slow to warm up doesn't mean it's not real. Maybe he's a crock pot in a world of microwaves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Where is this actually going? Yes, there is the pandemic but how practical and viable is this relationship long term? If it isn't and he knows that, then it is in his best interests to not say anything that would say he is deadly serious about you, like ILY. I guess there is a reason why he has chosen not do the "normal" thing and just say it after you opened your heart to him. Seems to me that is rarely a good thing, either he simply doesn't feel it or is still hooked up on someone else or he is playing mind games or he is emotionally unavailable/commitmentphobic or is in fact half way out the door... We have been talking about moving in together in the not so distant future. We are currently 500 km from each other (30 min flight). He has said he wants to build something serious and long term with me. And he is certainly not hooked up on someone else, because if that was the case he would not get into a long distance relationship with me, one that is challenging and requires a lot of work from both sides. If he wanted something easy he would have picked someone from his city. He is also 100% emotionally available. I have never met someone who was this emotionally available. We talk so openly and honestly about how we feel all the time and he never lies to me and never would say anything that he didn't mean. He is always available to me and always wants to understand everything and talk about everything, it is very crucial to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Like I started with, since the other stuff is good hang on a bit more. Just because he may be slow to warm up doesn't mean it's not real. Maybe he's a crock pot in a world of microwaves. Ha! I had to google that. My little slow cooker. Maybe I should start calling him that. Kinda hilarious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heavenonearth Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 20 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: He already clearly told you that he is not as invested as you are, when you said "I love you" and he didn't say it back. Mh. I don't know. I feel that is not fair towards him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 3 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: We have been talking about moving in together in the not so distant future. Why do you have such conversation if he didn't tell you he loves you? I remember one of my LTR telling me about moving in together and I said: That sounds lovely and very exciting but I do not move in with men that have not told me they love me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 4 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: We are currently 500 km from each other (30 min flight). This is fairly short distance that could be easily covered with a 4 hour-ish drive. Are covid restrictions keeping you apart or is there more to it than that? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 13 hours ago, heavenonearth said: i told him that i loved him. he replied "i know the cliche thing would be for me to say it back but i am just not there yet" Sorry this happened. After 10 mos., this is a hurtful thing for him to say. However be glad he stated this so you can reflect on if wasting time, not only in a distance relationship, but with someone so cold is worth the headaches and heartaches ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 2 minutes ago, heavenonearth said: And he is certainly not hooked up on someone else, because if that was the case he would not get into a long distance relationship with me, one that is challenging and requires a lot of work from both sides. I If he was hooked up on someone else this long distance relationship is exactly what he needs... Many people in long distance relationships are hiding away from something. They can't hack the day to day real stuff so end up in a world of texts and videos... and fantasy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 If you've been dating 10 months it means your relationship started right in the first wave of Covid. You 2 living in different countries and knowing you're in Europe where confinements are strict, I'm thinking how much of this relationship was actually face to face? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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