clueless_crab Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 We've been together for 3 years and it's only been happening for a few months now. He's a sweet, usually supportive guy, and I feel like he has no idea how his comments come across. I've tried resolving this issue by talking to him about it (a lot), but it's not getting better. He doesn't seem to understand how mean some of the stuff he says is and how bad it is for my self-esteem. This might be because I hate confrontation and haven't been able to get my point across in a way he can understand. I first noticed when we were cooking dinner together one evening. He's been teaching me how to cook, and I've got a great memory so I've been following his instructions to the tee. But suddenly, I was doing it completely wrong according to him. He showed me the "right way" to do it and it was the opposite of what he'd taught me before. It kept happening again and again, and he denied ever teaching me anything else. Then, he started correcting me when I talk. If I use a wrong word, or speak too hastily and mix up two words, he interrupts me in the middle of a sentence and says "you made a mistake". At first, I was like "yeah, as I was saying..." and ignored it, but he would interrupt me again and point out exactly what I did wrong and wait for me to acknowledge it and correct myself. He doesn't do this with any kind of attitude or in a mean way, but it's extremely off-putting anyway, especially how he words it. He also makes a lot of comments when I talk. He interrupts me constantly, doesn't let me finish sentences, and explains it away by saying I never get to the point anyway, he's bored, or he just doesn't feel like listening right now. Again, he doesn't do it in a mean, openly rude way, more jokingly. He always says I shouldn't take him so seriously and he's just joking around because he knows I don't mind. But I DO mind, and the result is the same, whether it's a joke or not: I don't want to keep talking to someone who constantly interrupts me and has that little respect for me, especially considering I patiently listen to him when he's talking and would never be so rude. I want to stress that this is new. He's never done this in the past. What would you do in this situation, how would you address these issues?
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 I know how I would address it but because you say you don't like confrontation, I'm not sure how to advise you how to deal with it. If somebody repeatedly corrected me for small mistakes, I'd stop right then & there to ask if they think they are perfect & why do they have the right to hurt me by nit-picking. If he claims he was "just joking" I'd say it wasn't funny. It was hurtful & it needs to stop. If he says I ramble & don't get to the point which is why he interrupts I'd say here's the point: You are being an insensitive bully. Since the behavior is new if it doesn't stop maybe it's time to consider a new BF who doesn't act like this. 2 1
Author clueless_crab Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 Maybe there really isn't a good way to resolve this without confrontation. I've pretty much done what you describe here before and told him he's nitpicking and it hurts me. His reaction was mostly confusion. He said I should be more careful with my words and make sure I think about what I say because other people would misunderstand me. So I told him he's not other people and it's not his job to teach me. He was hurt and didn't want to discuss it further.
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 5 minutes ago, clueless_crab said: He said I should be more careful with my words and make sure I think about what I say because other people would misunderstand me. So I told him he's not other people and it's not his job to teach me. Do you speak a different language? I think his sudden change of attitude toward you is due to his feelings changing. You don't go from a good boyfriend to a picky one after 3 years. He's acting like you're getting on his nerves and to me it indicates his heart isn't with it as it used to. Add to that his refusal to acknowledge he may be hurting you, it's the beginning of the end. 4
Author clueless_crab Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Do you speak a different language? No. I'm just sloppy with my words/pronounciation sometimes (especially when I'm tired) and tend to stumble over words. He knows a 100% what I mean to say and yet he points out what I did wrong, and tells me another person would misunderstand. I think he really means to be helpful.
Fletch Lives Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 11 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I think his sudden change of attitude toward you is due to his feelings changing. You don't go from a good boyfriend to a picky one after 3 years. He's acting like you're getting on his nerves and to me it indicates his heart isn't with it as it used to. Yup. You have to find out if there is anything you did to drop his love level. What did you do in the beginning that made him love you then? Or you might need some healthy space apart. Other alternatives are leaving him for a time or cutting off sex.
Acacia98 Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 Honestly, I'd walk. The claim that he's just "joking" doesn't mean anything to me. It would be the equivalent of somebody slapping me then smiling and saying it was all in good humor. And he never used to do this before. So either his brain chemistry has dramatically changed after 3 years or he's tired of being in a relationship and has started allowing the contempt to show. I'd tend to lean towards the latter interpretation. Because this is what dumping in slow motion looks like. 3
Author clueless_crab Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 (edited) He swears he has no intention of ending things. The only thing I can think of that changed is I'm less patient with him now, too. I used to love listening to him but because he is always so critical of me when I talk, it's become harder to enjoy now. He does say I constantly critisize him too so maybe that's why he feels it's okay to do the same? But... I don't think I do. I feel he often misunderstands me and is quick to jump to negative intent. Some time apart would be a good idea. edit: what would be some healthy time apart? I told him I need some space earlier, and he has granted me a day... Edited March 16, 2021 by clueless_crab
Acacia98 Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 1 minute ago, clueless_crab said: He swears he has no intention of ending things. The only thing I can think of that changed is I'm less patient with him now, too. I used to love listening to him but because he is always so critical of me when I talk, it's become harder to enjoy now. He does say I constantly critisize him too so maybe that's why he feels it's okay to do the same? But... I don't think I do. I feel he often misunderstands me and is quick to jump to negative intent. It doesn't matter what he says. What he does matters. He is condescending towards you and makes you feel like crap. Is that what a loving relationship is supposed to look like? If there is the remotest truth in the claim that you constantly criticize him too, then it sounds like you're both tired of each other. Ultimately, the outcome would be the same for me: I'd walk. 2
Author clueless_crab Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 I am tired. Not necessarily of him and the relationship, but of the constant criticism. But I don't know what to do about it. A break seems smart, but I don't think he understands.
SaraSays Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 This is 1 of the signs of abuse we speak often about in volunteering, when we're supporting vulnerable women. We have plenty of examples of previously-talkative women who've become speechless, become shadows of their former selves, walking on eggshells around someone intent on making them feel bad. I'd be inclined to say this has to stop "now", as it's hurting our relationship and me. If he's willing to stop it shows remorse for harm caused, and asks how to make amends, I'd keep going, and monitor if it has actually stopped over a period of 2 months (it takes roughly 6 weeks to break habits). If he's not willing to stop it "now", I'd end the relationship.
Author clueless_crab Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 (edited) I think that's part of the problem. We have a weird push/pull dynamic going on, where he is clearly annoyed by my presence and seems like he would prefer some space too, but at the same time he wants me around. @SaraSays Do you really think this is abusive? I don't believe he has any intention to hurt me. He's not a narcissist or actually trying to put me down (I think). It seems more like a communication issue? Edited March 16, 2021 by clueless_crab
SaraSays Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 5 minutes ago, clueless_crab said: I think that's part of the problem. We have a weird push/pull dynamic going on, where he is clearly annoyed by my presence and seems like he would prefer some space too, but at the same time he wants me around. @SaraSays Do you really think this is abusive? I don't believe he has any intention to hurt me. He's not a narcissist or actually trying to put me down (I think). It seems more like a communication issue? Read up on patterns of domestic violence in relationships. Read up on men using criticism in homes to demeand and control women. We have women come to us through voluntary services who lost their voices because of such a man, and never regained it. Criticism like this lasts a lifetime. I was chatting with a lady a few days ago, who reeled off a list of things she hates about herself, and learnt each example she gave me is tied to an event that happened, when a man criticised her (she hadn't thought there was anything wrong prior to that criticism, and now all she sees is something wrong with those parts of herself).
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 16 minutes ago, clueless_crab said: He's not a narcissist or actually trying to put me down (I think). It seems more like a communication issue? See, you're already justifying and excusing his bad behavior oh he doesn't mean to hurt me those same sentences are said by women in relationships with abusive men. He hits me but he doesn't mean it. May I ask how old you are? If you are looking for your words or your speech changes at the end of the day - a good partner wouldn't criticize you - he would be worried and would encourage you to get more sleep and to mention this to a doctor. 2
Author clueless_crab Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 @Gaeta You've got a point there. I hate staying up late because I need a lot of sleep, my boyfriend doesn't agree with that because sleep is not as important to him. He regularly survives on 3 hours. So many of our more serious conversations happen after midnight, where I'm basically useless. We're both in our early 30s.
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 53 minutes ago, clueless_crab said: Some time apart would be a good idea. edit: what would be some healthy time apart? I told him I need some space earlier, and he has granted me a day... 45 minutes ago, clueless_crab said: A break seems smart, but I don't think he understands. There is no such thing as "time off" from a relationship. A "break" is a break up. That said, if you don't live together, spend a few less nights per week having sleep overs. Go to your own houses more & only spend 3 nights per week together. Dial it back. If you do live together can you go stay at your parents for a long weekend? 43 minutes ago, clueless_crab said: I think that's part of the problem. We have a weird push/pull dynamic going on, where he is clearly annoyed by my presence and seems like he would prefer some space too, but at the same time he wants me around. Since some of this happens when you are overly tired, stop trying to function on less sleep to accommodate him. My DH is like your guy. He needs very little sleep. I'm useless if I don't get at least 7 hours. Stay up with your guy on a weekend when you can sleep late the next day but stop trying to make this a routine. I don't think it's a abusive -- yet -- but this change & short temperedness is indicative that the relationship may have run it's course for you both. That may be why you are running out of patience.
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 11 minutes ago, clueless_crab said: @Gaeta You've got a point there. I hate staying up late because I need a lot of sleep, my boyfriend doesn't agree with that because sleep is not as important to him. He regularly survives on 3 hours. So many of our more serious conversations happen after midnight, where I'm basically useless. He doesn't agree with you needing more sleep? This is not something he needs to agree or not with. This is highly controlling. I am like you, I need my 8 hours of sleep or I cannot fully function at work the following day, my ex regularly survived on 4-5 hours of sleep. This is your personal clock and not getting your needed sleep could be detrimental to your health and job. Your boyfriend his highly insensitive, controlling and ...sorry to say but a little bit on the ignorant side if at his age he doesn't understand the importance of sleep for many people. 5 1
thewoomensay Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 Dear soon to be single girl, Your letter begins with outlining a change in behavior in your boyfriend in the past few months. I am sad to hear your attempts to resolve this issue have fallen on deaf ears. The reason your boyfriend is not changing his behavior is not because you hate confrontation, since in this case, it is not needed. Your approach to the issue is correct. You sat down and calmly told him how his actions affect you. He did not care. The first thing that stands out from your letter is a codependent relationship. The distribution of power is not equal. He is the one in charge. In a healthy relationship, both partners teach something to one another. Here you mention how he is teaching you how to cook. Ordinarily, we tend to learn a few things from others, and as adults continue to pursue the learning on our own, such us by watching YouTube videos. If he wants the meal to be cooked exactly as he does it, then he should make it. It is perfectly normal for someone to learn something new and put their twist in it. If we are not a native speaker of the language used in communication, there is nothing wrong with being corrected. Matter of fact, the sooner the better to avoid forming the habit. However, you seem fluent in English, and based on your letter, it appears he is not listening to what you are saying but to how you are saying it. This shows an air of superiority, which goes back to reinforce the disparity in power distribution. Interruption someone while they are speaking is bad form and it is dismissive. When we interrupt someone, we are practically telling them what they are saying is not as important as what we are about to. Maybe you do tend to overexplain yourself but telling our partner we are bored of hearing them is not a good sign. Saying to someone “I am joking” after stating something hurtful is a coward’s retreat. He is not joking when he says these things to you, otherwise you would both be laughing. You said it right. You are dealing with a partner who has little respect for you. Now is the time to assess a few things because my guess is, he is starting to exit this relationship. I understand you are not confrontational. Nevertheless, you can still be mature and honest. Ask him: - I have taken notice a change in your behavior. You are less than patient with me. May I ask what about me is causing this irritation? - I have addressed with you, more than once, the effect of your criticism. Is there a reason why you are failing to acknowledge and correct your behavior towards me? - When I am speaking and confiding, why is what I am saying not more important than how I am saying it? Listen very well to his answers for each question. Do not accept excuses. Seek answers. If he tries to dismiss the conversation or joke, stand firm, and let him know that until you receive adult and mature answers to your questions, there will be no other communication. Assert your power, for he has no problem practicing his. Best of luck.
Miss Peach Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 1 hour ago, SaraSays said: This is 1 of the signs of abuse we speak often about in volunteering, when we're supporting vulnerable women. We have plenty of examples of previously-talkative women who've become speechless, become shadows of their former selves, walking on eggshells around someone intent on making them feel bad. I'd be inclined to say this has to stop "now", as it's hurting our relationship and me. If he's willing to stop it shows remorse for harm caused, and asks how to make amends, I'd keep going, and monitor if it has actually stopped over a period of 2 months (it takes roughly 6 weeks to break habits). If he's not willing to stop it "now", I'd end the relationship. OP I recently went through the same thing. I quoted this because it's a pretty good explanation of how I eventually felt. He spent 3 years being mostly a decent BF and then the last year have been like you describe - lots of critical comments that I'm doing things wrong. I called it critical parent mode because I felt like he was trying to control and parent me. On certain days I couldn't even chop an onion, wash my hands, or wash a dish correctly. I tried for awhile to do thing 'better' but I really just felt like I was walking on eggshells and felt less and less comfortable in the relationship basically becoming a silent mute. I started avoiding him because it was just easier and I felt better not being torn down all the time. In my case he progressed to anger and yelling and would either not get it or would blame me. I realize you guy says he's joking but in both cases they are not taking accountability for hurting you. I also have a fear of confrontation and wanting to see the best in people so I hung in there way longer than I should have hoping the other guy from the first 3 years would show up again. I know you don't want to think of it as abusive but at the very least these are bad, hurtful habits to have in a relationship. You have every right not to live with someone treating you this way. For me after living like that for almost a year I have found things so peaceful and I have realized how different my personality had become under his control. I really found these books really helpful and affirming: 1. Why Does He Do That - The section of the types of abusive men is amazing. My ex was a cross between Mr. Sensitive and Mr. Right 2.Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them 3. The Verbally Abusive Relationship 1
thewoomensay Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 5 minutes ago, Miss Peach said: OP I recently went through the same thing. I quoted this because it's a pretty good explanation of how I eventually felt. He spent 3 years being mostly a decent BF and then the last year have been like you describe - lots of critical comments that I'm doing things wrong. I called it critical parent mode because I felt like he was trying to control and parent me. On certain days I couldn't even chop an onion, wash my hands, or wash a dish correctly. I tried for awhile to do thing 'better' but I really just felt like I was walking on eggshells and felt less and less comfortable in the relationship basically becoming a silent mute. I started avoiding him because it was just easier and I felt better not being torn down all the time. In my case he progressed to anger and yelling and would either not get it or would blame me. I realize you guy says he's joking but in both cases they are not taking accountability for hurting you. I also have a fear of confrontation and wanting to see the best in people so I hung in there way longer than I should have hoping the other guy from the first 3 years would show up again. Welcome back to the freedom side. So happy to hear you are free and thriving. 2
thewoomensay Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 42 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He doesn't agree with you needing more sleep? This is not something he needs to agree or not with. This is highly controlling.
Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 5 hours ago, clueless_crab said: He always says I shouldn't take him so seriously and he's just joking around because he knows I don't mind. But I DO mind Tell trusted friends and family about the abuse. Do you live together? Stop talking to him, defending yourself, or letting him "teach" you anything. He knows precisely what he's doing and that it hurts you. That's why he does it. It makes him feel good to wear you down like a dog. He enjoys abusing you. Talking at him, expecting empathy is like talking to a rabid dog asking it not to bite you. Research abusive relationships.
ShyViolet Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 It's weird that you've been with him 3 years, yet you say he's only been acting like this for the last few months. For some reason he is becoming controlling and disrespectful of you. It sounds like this relationship has run its course. You don't even sound that into him, or like being apart from him would bother you that much. That is a sign that you need to end this.
MsJayne Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 Sounds like he may have a touch of sophomania going on, and the best way to deal with these people is to ignore them and downplay their self-importance. People who go around unnecessarily correcting and belittling others are the one with the problem, not the person they're belittling. Next time your BF is teaching you something about cooking and messing with your head, go and get your 'phone and Google fact-check him. A bit of in-their-face undermining goes a long way to putting the sophomaniac in their place, especially when they're wrong about something because being exposed is quite humiliating for them. As for interrupting you and talking over you, I find most people who do this, when confronted about it, will usually accuse you of doing the same. Unfortunately it's a trait that often drives people away because it's so unpleasant being around a person who is so self-unaware and rude. I have one unavoidable person who does it to me, so I either say loudly, (enough to drown their voice out), "I'm still talking" or else I start looking at my 'phone, or make a call, whatever lets them know that you're not interested in a conversation with a rude person. Your BF's 'joking' manner is hiding something quite sinister and you need to squash it while you're still permitted to have an opinion.
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