Miss Peach Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 (edited) Has anyone dated with with a significant age difference? I met a guy on a hike and totally mis-guessed his age. Instead of 15 years older which was a bit much but I could have been OK with he's 30 years older. I'm late 30s. Initially we talked for like 6 hours straight and had a blast on the hike. He asked me out to dinner and when that went well too he texted me his age not wanting to lead me on in case it was a deal breaker. He called me the next day and told me he texted it to me so I had some time to think it over and not be put on the spot. I friend zoned him saying it was too much but that I enjoyed his company and would like to keep hanging out. We have a crazy amount of stuff in common, he's been giving me small things I would like such as books in subjects I like (I'm a huge reader), looking for cool things to do, calls me regularly, etc. To be honest I don't think a guy I was dating put half this effort in on me let alone a guy I friend zoned. He's also very keen on making me comfortable, making time for me, shows me a ton of respect and care, very forward in communication and consent, and a ton of other things I appreciate. I am very attracted to him and feel chemistry too but have been trying not to act on it as I would just fall for him if I took it in that direction. I also don't want to send mixed messages. FWIW I'm divorced with a teen. I would be open to marriage but I'm not looking to start a family, get pregnant, etc. I just wonder if it could work and where I want to draw the line. Any BTDT stories? Edited March 15, 2021 by Miss Peach Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 2 minutes ago, Miss Peach said: I am very attracted to him and feel chemistry too but have been trying not to act on it as I would just fall for him if I took it in that direction. I also don't want to send mixed messages. This in itself seems to be a mixed message, no? If he's ok with hanging out as friends be clear on that. Most likely he's hanging out hoping it turns to sex at some point. He may just be more patient. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 Dating (and sex) with such an age difference is fine, IMO (I've dated a few much younger women, close but not quite as big a difference in years as your situation). Eventually, though - 10 or 15 years - his health may decline and a relationship could become a burden on you. Besides, he is or soon will be retired, so you may want very different things from life. Friendship is definitely viable, though. So, it depends on what you want and your time frame. You could enjoy what he offers in the short term and still be friends later. However, he may want something else - and timing is the key concern here. Link to post Share on other sites
bananatree Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 What might seem ok now, will not be ok in the future. If you want to just date and kick it for now, that's fine. But I would be really careful about getting seriously involved. When my husband and I were 25 and 45, it was cool. But at 42 and 62, he is now like an aging parent that I take care of and it's not cool or fun. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cleverusername Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 You both enjoy the attention of one another, which is ok but a relationship would be extremely difficult IMO. He'll be dead before you're ready to retire. Are you looking to retire and grow old alone? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 When you're very young (teens to early 20's) or older (55+) a large age gap is a problem. In the middle, it doesn't matter so much. In your case, at some point, no matter how vibrant and healthy he is, odds are that he will slow down before you do. if I'm reading your OP correctly, he's in his late 60's. How do you see things playing out in 10 or 15 years? Alternately, maybe it doesn't matter what will happen in 10 years, if you are not expecting this to be your last relationship. I think to some extent that's the crux of it. If you can enjoy him in the here and now, without a need for a defined future together, then it may be worth exploring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Agree 100% with the previous posters. There's several critical junctures in such a potential situation and several questions that you need to ask yourself and him. What do you want RIGHT NOW. What do you want in the future? Now....I ALWAYS tell people you can't predict the future...but as other posters said....if you think you want LOVE in 5-10 years - this guy will be in his mid to late 70's by then. If you're okay with just having fun and feeling loved and taken of now....then it's cool. Just don't go into anything blindly unaware or downplaying what the relationship/situation might be like in 5 years. But two additional critical factors are YOUR FEELINGS and HIS. Meaning...some people don't get heavily emotionally attached or it takes them a lot longer too than others. Make clear your feelings and your wants every step of the way. If you KNOW you want something long-term with someone closer to your age and you feel like you're falling for him - you have to be clear about that up front if you tend to fall for people easily. That way it's easier for you to either put it in it's proper place or break the chord if there's no way you could have fun with him while pursuing something serious with someone closer to your age (keeping in mind, I mean not dating both guys at the same time - but being okay with (and him being okay with) you seeing him and going on dates and such with other guys till you find the right one to settle down with. So long story short - you can pursue this if you want to - you just have to be absolutely honest with yourself and with him and demand that from him back. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 You can have him as a gentleman friend. Casual fun with a little sex, no commitment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cyphorX Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 Wow I understand your dilemma trust me some of these thoughts are running as background software in his head, I look young for my age so I sometimes attract much younger women(25ish) at the gym or when I'm out cycling on the bike trails often they think I'm in my 30's so maybe 10 -15 years older than them at most, as I'm still in shape and active they may be happy with me now but I think, what if she wants kids, or how will she feel when she is 35 and I'm 65 or 45 and I'm 75. I'm healthier than many 30somthings but as we know some people age slowly till death while others do all their ageing at once at any age like looking young and in great health until their 50's , 60's or even 70's then over night they are in bad health and looks 90. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 I dated someone who was 20 years my junior for a bit. It was mutually beneficial. She enjoyed my maturity and the fact that I understood a woman's body. I enjoyed that I could bounce a quarter off her butt (I kid...sorta). We had a lot of fun and respected each other enough to recognize that it was temporary. A summer fling that was enjoyable by both of us. I don't see why you couldn't do that. I don't think that big of a difference makes sense for you in the long run. When he's pushing 80 with medical problems and you aren't yet 50, do you want to forgo travel and fun in order to change his bed pan? That doesn't mean you couldn't be a friend then but be clear about what 2021 is and I see no reason why you shouldn't have some fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Syd8 Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 I dated a 42 year old woman when I was 27. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Find somebody your own age who you have chemistry with. Link to post Share on other sites
dangerous Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 Life is fleeting, why not enjoy it if it suits you both? The odds are it won't be permanent, as very little in life is. The only thing is, as you have a child, are you looking for permanence and stability, in which case, the odds are less with this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 Miss Peach, he looks 15 years younger, obviously has the energy of a man much younger (hence the hike), he's honest, you share similar values and enjoy each other; I say if you're attracted to him and you sense it's mutual (that mutual "click") then continue dating. He could die tomorrow in a car crash, or live a full and active life for the next 20 years or longer! My grandpa lived to 100 and did not look a day over 70! My dad fell, hit his head and died in his 70s. Age is a number and life is short! Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 On 3/17/2021 at 9:00 AM, introverted1 said: When you're very young (teens to early 20's) or older (55+) a large age gap is a problem. In the middle, it doesn't matter so much. In your case, at some point, no matter how vibrant and healthy he is, odds are that he will slow down before you do. if I'm reading your OP correctly, he's in his late 60's. How do you see things playing out in 10 or 15 years? Alternately, maybe it doesn't matter what will happen in 10 years, if you are not expecting this to be your last relationship. I think to some extent that's the crux of it. If you can enjoy him in the here and now, without a need for a defined future together, then it may be worth exploring. age gap matters based on point in life. someone like the OP wh is late 30s and say with teenager kids meets a guy mid 50s also with teenager kids can work out just fine. at the same time that mid 30s with teens kids meets a guy around her age that wants to start a family has real problems. Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 I don't really understand a lot of the responses saying 'he will be dead at some point and then you will be on your own'... For christ's sake, you enjoy each others company, might as well date and see where it goes? Why does every partner in your life have to be the 'forever' partner? That is so unrealistic. Even when dating someone your own age, the other person could die any day for whatever unforeseen circumstance... There are no guarantees in life. For anything. I don't see a problem with entering a relationship and spending some nice years together, if it adds to your quality of life and you're having a wonderful time. Just because you will be maybe in your late 40s or early 50s when he will die, you can still meet someone new at an older age. He found you too, after all. Or maybe by then you wont mind being on your own? You can't know yet. I am so turned off by all this "but dont you want security?" talk... you're your own woman. This is not the 1950s? Be with him if he makes you feel good! Don't be with him if he does not make you feel good. That's how I see it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 1 minute ago, heavenonearth said: I don't really understand a lot of the responses saying 'he will be dead at some point and then you will be on your own'... For christ's sake, you enjoy each others company, might as well date and see where it goes? Why does every partner in your life have to be the 'forever' partner? That is so unrealistic. Even when dating someone your own age, the other person could die any day for whatever unforeseen circumstance... There are no guarantees in life. For anything. I don't see a problem with entering a relationship and spending some nice years together, if it adds to your quality of life and you're having a wonderful time. Just because you will be maybe in your late 40s or early 50s when he will die, you can still meet someone new at an older age. He found you too, after all. Or maybe by then you wont mind being on your own? You can't know yet. I am so turned off by all this "but dont you want security?" talk... you're your own woman. This is not the 1950s? Be with him if he makes you feel good! Don't be with him if he does not make you feel good. That's how I see it. Amen sista. 👍 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 (edited) On 3/15/2021 at 2:11 PM, Miss Peach said: I just wonder if it could work and where I want to draw the line. Any BTDT stories? Not personally, but a family member met her (now late) husband when she was in her fifties and he was in his eighties. She said it was the best relationship she'd ever had, and they adored each other. Edited March 21, 2021 by Alpaca 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 My last BF was 16 years older than me, and it wasn't a problem. You just have to want the same things. Like you said, you don't want children, so you have to find someone compatible with that. I've always liked older men for some reason. Life is short, and it can be hard to ding someone compatible. I say that if you find a good person, take it while you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 Stop hanging out with him, stop leading him on. If the age gap is too much, find someone else to hike with. Don't use him for dates and gifts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Peach Posted March 22, 2021 Author Share Posted March 22, 2021 To update everyone I've spent time with him several times since. He has been treating me really well, wants to talk to me on the phone, things are really easy, it feels very comfortable, we have a ton in common, and we seem to share a lot of the same views/values. We'll see how it plays out in his behavior over time but so far he's walking the walk too. He's also very conscience of me having other things in my life so wants to make sure he's not pressuring me or he's not taking up too much time when I'm parenting, seeing friends, etc. I haven't been single that long so that's important to me to feel like I'm catching up on some friendships and continuing to do some things that I enjoy. I am always telling him how spending hours with him it feels like minutes. So I am enjoying things right now. He is making it known that he is enjoying it too whatever it is. A lot of people keep bringing up retirement. He still works a lot and I had planned to retire very early (45ish). So our retirement timelines aren't actually too far off. I do worry about the caretaker/nurse situation if it were to last. I also worry about being much older in the dating pool if a significant amount of time goes by. But it's not usually too hard to get dates for me. Even during the pandemic with so many social things restricted and without resorting to OLD I've been asked out numerous times. I get the sense he wants to travel which is hard for me sharing custody but that's the only sore spot I see so far. The one thing I have figured out is I ever get seriously involved with someone again I don't want to settle for less than this. I have the tendency to be able to relate to a very wide range of people so I had always had trouble figuring out who to stop dating after date 1, 2, 3, etc. Guys tend to want to pin me down. So I at least know now that if a guy can't make me feel this good, cared about, and like he is curious about me then I don't want to explore more. Sadly with that criteria most of my relationships wouldn't have made the cut. Link to post Share on other sites
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