ptc Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 Hi! So I recently went through a breakup, and I need y'all's advice. I was dating a guy that looked amazing on paper. I am 26, he is 35. He is one of the smartest people I have ever met, successful, seemed very sweet and polite, etc. My first impression on our first date was that he was a tad too serious for me and a bit odd, but I went out with him again and I started to like him more as time went on; we became bf/gf. However, his longest relationship before me was less than a year. I could tell right away that he had issues with intimacy, and we broke up yesterday due to these. For example, he wanted to get sexual, but refused to take off his shirt and would get upset and defensive if I tried to ask him why. He never wanted to kiss me really, hold hands, and would get uncomfortable even if I rubbed his back. He only wanted me sleeping over once a week even after dating for four months, claiming that he did not sleep well with others. We would go out once during the week and once on the weekend, and during the week, most of the time I would go to dinner with him for an hour(once, on his terms), and he would tell me he had to go home and work after (not inviting me over). It is not that I expected to sleep over or spend time together 24/7 as I am SO busy, but he never even cared to even sleep in the same bed as me during the week, or even call me on the phone to see how my day was. In addition, he was never in the mood to have sex, or not that often. Most of the time he would pass out on friday night on the couch, and want me to give him a blow job in the morning. Sex with me did not even seem interesting, I think. It really took a toll on my self worth. I was patient, kind and supportive of his busy schedule at first, even when he would tell me I could not sleep over on Friday's when I was a his house (he needed rest, he said). In fact, he told me I was the kindest girlfriend he has ever had, and he was blown away by me. However, the issues started when we started to get more serious, and I STILL was not permitted to just randomly sleep over, stay over for a movie, meet up with him for coffee, go on a walk, etc. It was only on his time frame, and he called the shots as to the WHEN (once a week). I also am in a rigorous academic program in the moment, and when life started to get stressful for me and I needed his support in return, he started backing off. I finally blew up last week when he told me he had to 'work late' friday night and I should not see him because he needed to go to sleep early, and found out that he actually was with his friends drinking instead. He claimed that he didn't lie, but as a girl that is so honest, this felt deceitful to me. This is the man that cites he has no time for me after four months, but choses it to be this way. This was the man that wanted me to be his 'serious girlfriend' and lock me down, but yet could not so much as call me on the phone to ask about my day. We would literally not speak all week, and when I tried to reach out once or twice, he would always say "I can only talk for a minute or so, I am busy". Finally, I ended it yesterday, and he agreed that he cannot be the boyfriend for me, citing that I am too different than him and he is too busy. The week before, he told me that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had and he was so happy, and then once I confronted him about the issues in our relationship and why he felt the need to lie to me and tell me he was working when he was truly with his friends, he got defensive and mean. I am just wondering, does any of this seem normal to anyone? He was nice in some ways, and took me out to nice dinners 24/7 I think as a means towards buying my love. However, I want a partner, and none of that stuff really mattered to me. The emotional connection and support I think is the most important. I have been in other relationships where things naturally start progressing after four months, but this was baffling and left me feeling insecure, unwanted and unloved. Has anyone had a similar situation, and how did you re-gain your self worth after such a relationship?
SpecialJ Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 Ugh, I'm sorry to hear this. It primarily sounds like it was him and not you, and you gave it some time to work out because you haven't experienced anything like this before. Try looking up dismissive avoidant attachment style, it'll probably help explain some of what was going on. It's not "normal" but it's not totally uncommon either. I think you did what you could and learned more about the kind of partner and relationship you're looking for, and he's not it. If you're looking for something serious, it's probably a good idea not to progress with someone you can quickly tell has intimacy issues. You don't need to be the woman they try to work their issues out on, it's generally a mess and just a matter of time before the relationship hits a wall. Healthy romantic relationships shouldn't feel this hard with this many communication and intimacy difficulties. If someone tries to control the relationship in the way he did, everything is on his schedule and his terms, then it's often a red flag that the person isn't really emotionally available. Being with someone you want to be committed with who doesn't seem committed and who is being distant about physical intimacy can take a toll on your self-esteem, yes. I've been there. But I don't think you did anything wrong in this, you broke up with him quickly when you figured out what was up and that it wasn't what you wanted. Give yourself some time to recover, do things you enjoy and spend time with friends and family you enjoy (pandemic-permitting, of course), and I think you'll feel much better after a few weeks of no contact. I expect your self-esteem will rebound pretty quickly after you've distanced yourself from the situation and he's no longer normalizing behaviors and requests that made you uncomfortable. You're probably right about the gifts thing, that it is his way of expressing affection since he has so much difficulty doing it any other way. If you're not familiar with the 5 love languages, it may be interesting for you to look up just as general knowledge. Sometimes understanding each other's love languages can help with communication, though in this case I don't believe it would have helped at all because he has so many other issues going on.
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 Normal no. Understandable yes. Until DH I never slept well with anybody else. It took a while to get there with him & I still sleep better without him. How sad is that? As for the shirt thing, he may have scars, love handles or some tattoo he's self conscious about. You had incompatible sex drives. All in all you seem better suited apart. Give yourself some credit for knowing this wasn't working for you & understanding that you needed to end things.
FMW Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 It sounds like he liked the idea of having a girlfriend, but only when and how he wanted it. Never having a relationship that lasted more than a year at his age is a warning that he's unlikely to be boyfriend material. He sounds selfish with his time, his presence and with sex. At four months you should see some kind of progression and not be stuck in a static pattern. Allowing others to treat us with disregard is certainly bruising to how we see and feel about ourselves, so regaining your self-worth might take a little while. Be very sure in the future to not continue giving your time to someone with whom you feel bad or insecure. That's a clear sign it's a bad match. There's nothing wrong with going a little slow in the beginning of relationships, and you might not be sure about things for awhile. But you certainly shouldn't ever feel unwanted or like an afterthought.
ShyViolet Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 No, this is not normal at all. I can see why his longest relationship was less than a year, at age 35. He sounds like he has some serious issues. I'm surprised you even lasted 4 months with this guy.
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, ptc said: Most of the time he would pass out on friday night on the couch, and want me to give him a blow job in the morning. he told me he had to 'work late' friday night and I should not see him because he needed to go to sleep early, and found out that he actually was with his friends drinking instead. Be very grateful that you only wasted 16 weeks on someone like this. You dodged a bullet. His primary relationship is with alcohol. Edited March 15, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 On 3/15/2021 at 4:33 AM, ptc said: I am just wondering, does any of this seem normal to anyone? No, it doesn't. Are you sure he was 100% single? He sounds like a guy with a girlfriend who's looking for side action.
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 It's not normal for a 35 year old. He sounds abrasive and boring. I agree he sounds like a man that was not 100% single. Although I can't imagine a woman wanting this man in her llife.
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