to have kids or not???

[vacia]

I have been married for almost two years. At first I decided not to have kids and my husband would tell me he wanted to have a lot of kids. He kept nagging me and making comments here and there about it. Well just recently I told him that I would like to have a child with him maybee two to three years from now. All of a sudden he tells me last week that he has decided not to have kids. It seems to me like he is doing this to contradict me because I didn't want kids at first. I told him that I'll think about it some more but i'm defenitely sure, and now I'm afraid that he will not change his mind. What should I do???

[JayKay]

You need to both sit down and very seriously discuss whether or not you plan to have a family.

 

Kids are no joke. They are not playthings that can be picked up and put down when you tire of them.

 

The only people who should be wanting children are those who truly and utterly desire to be parents

 

There are too many people having children for foolish reasons such as:

 

"It will make us closer"

 

"I can give my child the childhood I never had"

 

or

 

"I need someone to love me"

 

Those are not reasons to have children. Children are not on this planet to fix our relationships for us or repair emotional damages. Children are helpless individuals (at first)who need a great deal of attention, patience, love, time and financial committment.

 

I think you and your partner should set some goals. I think you are both conflicted on whether to have kids or not. Perhaps your partner isn't sure of his parenting abilities. Or perhaps he isn't sure of your committment level.

 

First, you should spend time talking to parents and asking them what has changed about their lifestyle since having children. You and your partner need to discuss, privately, whether those are changes you can both live with.

 

Secondly, you should spend time with children; babysit, volunteer at a day care, anything that exposes you to children.

 

Thirdly you should talk about finances; how much of your money do you budget for savings now? Who will work and who will stay home or do part-time work? Or how will you pay for day care, if that's the plan?

 

Fourth take time to look at both sides of the fence. Read some well-written books about motherhood, parenting as well as the childless lifestyle. Some recommendations are "The Mask of Motherhood", "I'm OK, You're a Brat", "Fruitful" and "No Kidding".

 

My friends who have kids all tell me these are things you should be doing NOW...before a child comes along.

 

Maybe if your partner sees that you are very seriously looking at the nitty gritty that goes along with parenting, he will be reassured.

Or...perhaps he will become convinced that he DOESN'T want to be a dad.

 

Then you may need to come to a compromise. That's part of marriage. Somebody will have to give.

 

If you can't reach a satisfactory compromise, I'd suggest counseling.

[slubberdegullion]

First you change your mind about kids, and now you're getting all bent out of shape because he changed his mind too? So it's ok for your decisions to be unreliable but not ok for him? *sheesh*</rant>

 

But to your point...

 

Remember Ann Landers, the advice columnist? She once asked her readers, “If you had to do it over again, would you have children?” According to the 10,000 parents who participated, 70% said no.(link)

 

There are organizations that support child-free living, such as this, which may be worth a look.

 

Ultimately, though, it has to come down to you and your hub, without societal or other family pressures. And if you do decide to have children, well, there's obviously no turning back, so be sure your decision is the right one. This is not a decision where it's OK to say that it's a women's perogative to change her mind.

[Ms. DysFUNction]

You and hubby should do lots of babysitting for other people who have lots of kids....like me! About a week straight with no pay should help you make up your minds. Also make sure to clean up after them, do all their laundry and help them with their homework, oh and get them to all of their activities. Be nice to their friends who will be running through your house and eating out of your fridge.

 

I have 4 kiddos all in various stages of development, ages 10-3yrs. We have lots of fun, but its also a tremendous amt of work. Your genes will get into the next generation, but you may wear yourself out getting them there. You could also try raising a puppy first, if you can handle that you may be ready for a baby

[Walk]

There are organizations that support child-free living, such as this, which may be worth a look.

 

Wow! I'm a proponent for people choosing not to have kids, but that Childfree society is... uh... wow... uh.. out there.

 

For example:

I guess my message is to all young women out there. Don't be ashamed to follow a career goal. If men are allowed to do it, so too can women. The opportunities are there but too many women are lazy and relegate themselves to a life of motherhood.

 

My brother raises his 2 little girls by himself, and the last thing I would ever call him is lazy.

 

Anyway, in response to the original topic. I never wanted kids with my ex H even though he wanted them. I could list 'reasons' why I didn't want them, like financially and career wise. But the real reason was emotionally/mentally I wasn't happy with the relationship. Could this be a reason for your husbands sudden reversal in decision? You may want to take a strong look at your relationship, which will entail actually asking and listening to what your husband is saying both verbally and nonverbally.

 

Otherwise, JayKay had awesome suggestions. I wish every parent would put as much time into the decision as that.

[mcgee0]

Man! kids are difficult and rewarding at the same time. I bet he will come around. Don't pressure him. This may just be a power struggle. If you have a few years things will work themselves out. If he absolutely does NOT want kids, get involved with them some other way if you want to stay married to him, like volunteer work. If you absolutely want children, you may have to move on in order to have them. BTW why the sudden change? Biological clock? Have you discussed adoption? I don't know yours or his reasons, for or against, however you need to discuss this, possibly with a professional. ( Marriage counsellor.) Best of luck to you..

[brandy123]

I am in a relationship with someone I love very much who doesn't know if he wants kids. TBH, it is very confusing when someone says that to you. He must love you very much to be with you if you gave an ultimatim like that!!

Believe me!!

 

He has probably spent the last while justifying to himself that he doesn't want kids .. and now when he has got over the shock .. he finds out its the opposite.

 

You need to talk with your husband about this ..

[gridiron]

Remember Ann Landers, the advice columnist? She once asked her readers, “If you had to do it over again, would you have children?” According to the 10,000 parents who participated, 70% said no.(link)

This is an example of how huge of a bias is inherent in voluntary response surveys . . . literally a textbook example from a statistics class I took. The overwhelming majority of those who take the time to respond by mail will have strong feelings about the question (positive or negative), and a substantial majority will have strong negative feelings. Another example used was satisfaction surveys at Golden Corral, also voluntary. The overwhelming majority of the responses were negative (which I would probably agree with as far as food quality). The textbook went on to say that another survey was later done by calling a random sample, of which almost everyone responded in some way. The results were drastically different, with somewhere around 90% saying they would have kids again.

 

I agree with the rest of your post, but thought I'd point that out.

[harleygirl92156]

The only thing that comes to my mind is that this shouldn't even be a problem in a marriage. Something as important and life changing as having children should have been discussed and worked out BEFORE you got married???????????

How long did you date and how well did you know each other and how much future planning did you do before you got married??????????

[vacia]

The only thing that comes to my mind is that this shouldn't even be a problem in a marriage. Something as important and life changing as having children should have been discussed and worked out BEFORE you got married???????????

How long did you date and how well did you know each other and how much future planning did you do before you got married??????????

 

Not much.

I was young and dumb, I guess.

I think I'll get a dog like people suggested.

Thanks