My girlfriend got blackout drunk at a party and I found out someone kissed her. I feel my feelings are being ignored - Am I wrong here?

[grokcahsevol]

This is a fairly new relationship for me, although I’ve known the girl for 6 years, we started dating 5 months ago. She went to a friends gathering where everyone knew each other. Apparently, one of the guys there always had a thing for her. I found this out just a few moments ago. She apparently got very drunk (black out) and the guy kissed her. She didn’t even remember how she got home until she called the guy who kissed her (she didn’t know at this point he tried kissing her) and he told her, her other friend got her an Uber, which is concerning to me also. Pretty girl, blacking out, random person driving her home.

Anyway, This is how things went when she came over. She passed out, I was cleaning and her phone was blowing up with some guy texting her, so obviously I saw the text and it was

“Hey, idk if I was making any sense on FaceTime earlier, if not, my faultttttt lol I was literally half awake lol. And I also wanna apologize for something. On FaceTime you mentioned you had a boyfriend. At the party I definitely leaned in and kissed you. I don’t know if people at the party know him or not, but wanted to bring it up to you just in case. I feel like something keeps me tied to you in some way, idk but the kiss wasn’t meant to be a home wrecker or anything like that lol - had I known you had a boyfriend I wouldn’t have done that”

 

After I confronted her, that’s when she was a bit baffled and read the text her self and kept promising she doesn’t remember, which I somewhat believe. She was a wreck. She then texted him saying “Yeah, low key he’s really tight. Thanks for apologizing I appreciate it” Then he said some other nonsense and said something about “hope to see you again soon” At this point I told her to leave as I feel she could have said something like “I don’t think it’s a good idea that we hang out again” or something along those lines, then she went off on me “now your telling me how to text” At this point, I was over it. She knew how important trust is to me. She also mentioned she called him to see how she got home to make sure she wasn’t taken advantage of and started crying. Not sure if this helps, but she was raped a few years ago.

I told her “I rather drive an hour round trip, to pick you up and drop you off home then you not knowing how you got home. You could of have your friends call me instead” She was saying “you’re not listening to me and so on” At this point, my trust has went down tremendously cause if she ever goes out with her friends again, I won’t trust her or her friends trying to take advantage for a kiss or more. I’m not even trusting her at the bar right now. A few days ago, we even said this Monday coming up let’s stop drinking and get back in shape. She knows I hate when she drink as she becomes a complete mess.

After 3 hours have passed, she texts me saying if I can call her, I saw the text 20 mins after she sent, tried calling and no answer. It’s now been 5 hours later, I FaceTime her and she’s at the bar with some of the people from last night. She didn’t mentioned the guys name, which obviously she wouldn’t if he was there and said I can come to the bar where they’re at.

I’m feeling betrayed, and my feelings are being thrown out

What should I do from here and go about the situation? I’m 30 she’s 26

[central]

The main problem is that she got so drunk, which is neither wise nor healthy, and she got taken advantage of by a "friend."  It wasn't her choice, I think.  The next problem is that she didn't have an exit plan to get home safely.  Both of these issues can be worked on if you want to continue the relationship, but to do so I think you need to let this incident go.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, grokcahsevol said:

She was saying “you’re not listening to me and so on”

What view was she expressing?

[Sun Seeker]

Was raped a few years ago then proceeds to go to parties and get 'black out drunk' without a care in the world, letting any random person kiss her, and can't even remember how she got home. Then goes out to a bar again to get drunk once again... 

She has a lot of growing up and maturing to do.

If you are looking for something long term, better look elsewhere. She's a mess.

[Quantum Nomad]

 Cut your losses, she is not ready for a relationship as she cheated on you the moment she put herself in a position where she could cheat on you, she has no respect for your relationship so neither should you.

[Mrin]

I wouldn't spend any more time on this woman

[ShyViolet]

You are dating a woman who has a drinking problem.  She's not ready to date until she admits that, deals with her problem and grows up.

[d0nnivain]

She's a party person & you don't want that in a GF.  Based on her return to a bar perhaps you need to re-evaluate whether you two are compatible. 

[usa1ah]

The girl is broken. 
 

She was raped and still gets blacked out drunk. She has some serious issues. 
 

Time to leave and find someone that isn’t an alcoholic. 

Edited March 15, 2021 by usa1ah

[vla1120]

The fact that she turned right around and went to a bar again after that whole incident tells me she's not very serious about gaining your trust. She has problems and needs help, but is that something you want to take on right now? 

[Jen_tully]

She’s not broken...she’s traumatized. She also does not need to grow up, she needs therapy to help her process HER deep rooted trauma from the rape. I don’t think you have the compassion to see what she struggles with. Most people don’t when it comes to rape, it’s complex and hard even for the survivor of rape to understand. Especially for this girl as it’s only happened a few years ago.

 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

Rape is traumatic and she needs healing before she's ready for a relationship. She also needs to deal with her alcoholism. There is no way as strangers on the internet for us to know how much of her alcoholism is due to ptsd. But, you surely can't continue the R as it is.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/14/2021 at 4:53 PM, grokcahsevol said:

 dating 5 months . I found this out just a few moments ago. 

When was this party and why weren't you invited?

No one at this party knew she has a BF? You don't find that odd?

Don't try to fix her. Step back and note her self destructive habits and problem drinking.

Decide if you want the headaches and heartaches of dating someone who engages in reckless behaviors.

[Miss Peach]

What are your ages? How long have you been together?

[kendahke]

On 3/14/2021 at 4:53 PM, grokcahsevol said:

my trust has went down tremendously

so what's the point in staying with someone you don't trust? You're wasting youth trying to make her be what you want her to be. She  sounds like she is self medicating with alcohol and more than likely hasn't seriously addressed the trauma of the rape.

You're in over your head with this friend of yours. Leave her in the friendzone, work on your own trust issues. She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend.

Edited March 19, 2021 by kendahke

[smackie9]

Well if you have known her for 6 years, you must have known what you were getting into did you not? Being someones GF/BF doesn't always mean they turn into a Mother Teresa and drop their terrible habits. This girl has problems. Whatever is going on with her, don't bother to make it your business. It's a battle you will always lose. Cut your losses bro.

To add being a victim myself, you have no clue. She was with people she trusted, as was I. It wouldn't have mattered if she was drunk or not, if a guy wants to make advances he will. So stop with this I can't trust her. She didn't asked to be kissed, touched or whatever. Sometimes women would rather dismiss it, and not talk about it anymore....throughout our lives this is what we have been taught to do because a lot of the time we get blamed for the actions of the guy to which is what you are doing here.

Edited March 20, 2021 by smackie9

[CollinW]

There is a difference between blacking out and passing out. Just because she drank too much to the point where she doesn't remember doesn't mean it absolves her of any responsibility regarding what happened. If he "leaned in" and kissed her, that means they were already more close and comfortable than they should have been. And if they were talking all night, her relationship status should have come up at some point. 

At minimum she's not drinking in a responsible manner to compensate for her likelihood of losing composure. At most she's drinking and partying like a single woman and using blacking out as a way to absolve herself. 

[Keridan]

She doesn't repent for what happened. You need her to. Some incompatibillity.

[Blind-Sided]

Unless you want to go drink, and party all the time... then you need to break up now.   By your description... she is an alcoholic.  Not to mention... if she isn't concerned about your feelings... then she really isn't for you. 

[kendahke]

On 3/28/2021 at 3:18 PM, Keridan said:

She doesn't repent for what happened. You need her to.

No, he just needs to leave her alone.

[lovebooks]

Blackout drunk means she was not aware.  She can't be blamed for anything in that condition.