I'll never bother the world again. Need guidance this one time.

[CherryFive]

Dear Loveshack Community,

My name is CherryFive and I am 34. I am turning to you for your help for two distinct reasons. The first reason is that I've never felt like this before. My heart is so broken I have my deepest doubts that I'll ever make it back to "normal". The second reason is that most of the information I've seen in these forums rings true with what has happened to me when I was dumped. I realize I'm just another broken heart, but if anyone here can offer me any guidance, I would be forever indebted to your kind generosity. This is such a complex situation it will either intrigue the reader, or send whoever is reading yawning to bed. But I have to try and tell my story, because apparently this is really important to me. I'll try my best to be concise.

I went online in 2016 and met a woman on a dating site. She lived about an hour away in MA (I was in CT). I would say that from 2016-2018, she was really in love with me. I was 29, and she was 54. I not only looked at her as a good time, but all women that way. I didn't want a relationship, she knew it, and just kept me around as a companion, f-buddy I guess? I was always honest with my intentions and in some ways she respected that I never truly led her on. But ultimately she loved me and wanted me to be her man, and in some way I loved her too. We lived with each other for a few months at her apartment, and then she inherited a house in late 2018, and after helping her cut some trees, fix some toilets and other things, I sorta just moved out and went back to where I was living before. I never saw her again for two years.

In that two years I always kept in touch with her via text and phone. I'm not sure why I left. I just felt it was time for me to go chase my own dream. At one point she even mentioned putting her new house in my name as the main beneficiary, but I remember I wanted actual freedom. Freedom to explore my music studio and follow my passions.

But after two years of not seeing her, in June 2020 I realized I was thinking about her an awful lot. I got on the phone with her at that time and told her just how I felt. She was so confused she thought I was high on drugs. She got off the phone laughing, and I had to call a few more times to explain to her that I was actually serious.

We talked about a life together. I had just bought 5 acres in upstate NY and she spoke of putting her future RV there, us living together, the whole works. She told me that in the two year break we had, she had also only thought of me, and said I was the last person she had sex with. She said she only thought of me in a sexual way in those whole two years apart, no one else. Which surprised me. And she said she'd come home from dates crying that it wasn't me on the date.

But I noticed her love wasn't the same as it was in 2016-2018. She related to me that it was because she had spent so much time having to get over me that it wasn't going to be easy to "go back". She said she considered me an ex, and that this would be the first time in her life she ever went back to an ex.

Well, Jan 19, 2021, she texted me saying she couldn't see a future with us. She wasn't missing me. She wanted time apart, and said she had no magic ball to tell if this time apart would change the way she would feel. I was alone in my cabin on my 5 acres and I was utterly devastated. I must have sent her off 30 "panic" texts in a 20 minute period. I must have called her 14 times, and she finally texted me something like "please leave me be. I have to work right now. Your behavior is making this so much harder, etc".

Without knowing about a "clean slate" letter at the time, I did write her 3 days later in a more calm fashion. I told her I would always deeply be in love with her, and that even if she never reciprocated those emotions I felt really happy to have the chance to tell her anyway. She never replied, I didn't think she would. I sunk into a very deep depression. I began writing a song for her. I was of the childish belief that I would write and record a song for her and win her back. So I spent two weeks doing that, and posted it on Youtube. Then I wrote another song for her, this time taking a solid month and a half (easy 40+ hours a week) of my life to write and record. Not sure if anyone here is musical, but you are all free to check out these songs and I would be honored if you did:
[redacted]

I wrote the songs for her, but now that they are up I haven't sent them to her. The information I've seen on the Loveshack forums got me to thinking that any kind of grand gesture would be perceived as creepy and weird.

But should I send them to her anyway? The music I've written for her is so sentimental. I feel like she never knew what I was capable of musically. The way I feel, I'll never get her back anyway, so what would it hurt to send them? What might I say? Here I wrote these songs for you?? She seems to have discarded me away as a piece of paper, but I'm just very hurt. I don't know what's going on. I've been dumped before, but never almost 2 months later still bawling in tears daily.

I've tried to put off writing on a forum as long as I can, assuming my emotions would eventually pass and fade off, but something today made me lose it and decide to finally reach out to an online community. After all the time that has passed, I decided I needed to get closure today and for the first time since Jan 22 I sent her a text asking if I could get my bass guitar and amplifier back from her house on Monday at 11am. Not knowing if I was blocked or not she did indeed reply; "Hey CherryFive. Sure, see you then".

So I have to see her on Monday and get my stuff. The thought of seeing her makes me tremble, cry, feel butterflies in my stomach that feel more like piranhas instead. Do you know what I am supposed to do? I'm a total mess. "No contact" business won't work with her because I bounce between CT and NY. I drive through MA all the time, but I never actually lived there, so if she missed me she already got over it. I've talked with everyone I can talk to, family included. I have seen a grief counselor three times now and need to find a way to put this to bed. I'm sorry to trouble you folks. I hope you've all had an excellent day and thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely yours,
CherryFive

 

Edited March 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Self promotion

[LivingWaterPlease]

It sounds as if you have an amicable relationship. If you want to send the songs, go ahead. It probably won't matter to her either way, though.

An ex of mine wrote and recorded a song for/about me over twenty years ago. I listen to it every now and then and it brings up sentimental memories and warm thoughts of my ex. But it doesn't inspire me to get back into the R.  I love the song.

[d0nnivain]

CherryFive 

First the title of your thread is disturbing .  What do you mean you will "never bother the world again"?  You aren't bothering anybody.  Please assure me that you are not suicidal.  As much pain as you are in, there is no reason to give up. 

Yours is an an example of the cliche You can't go home again.   You had some idea that you could pick up where you left off.  But it doesn't work that way.  You both changed in those two years.  The experiences you had while you were broken up meant that you didn't fit together the same way any more.  

She will always hold a special place in your heart but that's it.  She's somebody you used to know.  

Get your stuff back.  That will be the 1st step in closure.  Unfortunately closure isn't as simply as shutting the lid on a box.  It doesn't happen just because you decided it is something you want.  But acceptance that it's over is another step.  Talk to your grief counselor about the 5 steps of grief.  It is a process but give yourself credit for taking the steps.  You have to let yourself grieve to fully heal.  I think you are well on your way.  

[CherryFive]

I appreciate the replies.

LivingWaterPlease,

I appreciate your advice. I'm certain too that these songs won't bring her back. But there's a voice in my head saying to send them anyhow. I feel like it would say something, I feel like it would be closure for me somehow. 

d0nnivain,

I apologize for such a dramatic title. I just feel like I've been a bother. I see people all over the internet with my same sorrows, no replies. I guess I never wanted to be someone waving their arms asking for help. I feel that after this I'll go back to my typical self reliant ways, so that would explain the title. I'll never be a bother again, but this one time I've really never felt so bad so I am actually seeking help, seeking self-improvement. In all the other times I've been dumped the pain faded in 2 weeks. But now here I am almost 2 months later in what still appears to be a shocked state. I admit that I was doing better and accepting it. I was even able to eventually chuckle at this dream I had of her sleeping with another guy, which you can probably imagine screwed my head up for a good week after it happened.

Never been jealous before. Never felt possessive of someone before. This is a crazy first for me and also why I'm reaching out to try to learn something here. It's really hard for me to accept that we've changed in two years, or that anything in life changes. When I drive through my old hometown I always get teary eyed, looking at a place that looks exactly the same as it did 22 years ago. It really bothers me. I see my 14 year old self running down the sidewalk.  Why do we have to change? Why can't everything just try to stay the same? I've spent my life nurturing and caring for vintage electronics so they would live on. The idea of things going away and ending is something I'm really having a hard time with. Life is important, these things are important. I wish we were allowed to truly cherish all these things in life including all the people.

Well anyway so here I am. As I was doing better, I felt ready to ask for my bass back. I had no idea her simple "hey CherryFive!" reply would dig open the wound this deeply and send me back into tears and utter sorrow. How can this be? Can't something good be done? Sorry to trouble you but I really do appreciate any time you have given. Thank you very much!