Is it possible to get terrified ex back?

[dm90]

Hello

I was in short 3 months relationship with a person I completely fell in love the same like she did with me.

Our relationship was full of fire in both positive and negative ways. We faced some communication problems since I do have ADHD and she is HSP.

We broke up 5 times during these 3 months period and were getting back together after few days every time. Excluding the last breakup.

Every time we broke up we tried to improve and solve problems we had. Some of the problems were solved, some of them not.

There wasn't any physical abuse and our fights during the relationship were relatively not that bad because I knew she is highly sensitive so I even gave up on it very often.

Since it was she who decided to break up every time, I started to feel very anxious, especially after the last breakup we had.

It's been a month since I was left and I still didn't recover yet.

After the breakup, I did all the possible horrible mistakes an ex can do to his love.

Writing a lot of messages: She replied at the beginning, then stopped, begging, analyzing.

I reached the point I was completely blocked out of social media, phone number and after that, I tried to call her from a different number twice.

The worst thing I did was reaching her brother and it completely freaked her out.

The last breakup made me obsessive with her, missing her so much I stopped sleeping, eating and doing all this dumb stuff.

I decided to start therapy to get rid of my problems so I could heal and also be better at communication with her.

Even though I was told so many times after our last break up that she doesn't see us together and she's completely tired of this sinusoidal relationship, she wants to kill this love, I am still ready to do literally everything to change her mind, even if it would require me to change half of my life.

It's almost 2 weeks (since) I started no-contact. We have a lot of common friends together and what I've heard from them today is that she is completely terrified of my behaviour.

She cannot understand what happened to me and she'd feel better if she didn't know me at all. It completely made me dead. It's a vicious cycle - every step she does to push me away, it pulls me to her even more. 

So my question is: Is there literally any chance to get back a person we love in this kind of situation?

Have any of you faced a problem like this before and succeeded?

Edited March 12, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spacing, Spelling, Some Grammar

[d0nnivain]

This was dysfunctional from the get go.  5 break ups in 90 days is a clear sign that you two belong apart.  Neither of you have good problem solving skills.  I have been with my husband for 15 years & haven't had 5 big fights, let alone break ups.  It's called mature stability.  You need to grow towards that but you can't do it with her.  

Leave her be.  Work with your therapist.  Get  yourself straightened out.  Learn that you can't base a good, healthy relationship on changing yourself into what the other person says they want. You have to authentic.  

[vla1120]

I agree with d0nnivain. Five breakups in 3 months is not a good sign. A relationship should not be quite that hard. You should continue your counseling and work on yourself - becoming better at communication. When someone has made it clear they do not see a place for you in their life, take them at their word. Find someone with whom you are more compatible (after you've sorted through some of the issues with your therapist.)

[dm90]

d0nnivain. thank you for your reply.

I just want to highlight that we both faced huge problems during our childhood. Her parents left her alone at age of 14 with mom being drug addict and she started to live alone/with grandmother. I had abusive parents that killed my self-esteem completely even though I can take care of myself having great job, passions. The same with her. We share so many things in common and even though it was the shortest relationship in my life (all of mine ex relationships were 2-4years long; her longest relationship was 2years), first time I really felt like I found someone familiar. Soulmate, lover I want to spend my life with. First time ever I though of engaging and children. We met because of COVID. I was supposed to move from EU to Thailand. And she was ready to leave all her current life to go with me. It all feelt like destiny.

Changes I'd need to make are nothing bad at all. It would not change my core values. It'd effect my health and communication in positive ways. 

1. break up was because of smoking weed. I tended to smoke from time to time, she asked me to stop and I refused. Then she completely closed herself on the bed. I never seen something like this before so I asked several times what happened and then left the house after getting no answer. After we get back 1 day after, I stopped smoking. It was first week of our relation.

2. break up was because of other drug, the one she also takes occacionally. But I prefered to do it at house to chill out, she couldnt accept because for her its only for parties. We broke up. After getting together we both stopped to do it at all. It was basically 2nd week of our relation

3rd break up was because of some shitty argument fight which ended her crying as she is highy sensitive person (and I was told it after this breakup) and my expression was to high for her. So I basically started to be softer and softer with any potential fights. It was 4th week.

4th breakup was because of message fight, at some point related with weed again even though I didnt smoke. I just wanted to smoke to get my work done quicker. It helps me to solve some analytic problems much faster. I asked her if she mind and got angry after she refused leaving the house and started some shitty message fight. It was soft but right after she told me its over. It was 6th week. We had one week break at this point and had our friends help us get back together. It was a little crazy so we promised each other that we wont talk about us with our friends to avoid crazy situations after these breakups.

5th breakup was the most hurtful. We promised to focus on communication and got it very serious. I really saw we progress and we really cared and tried our best.

One week I didnt have much time for her because I was busy with work and so on. She got angry once I didnt reply her calls/ messages at right time because I was at work (most of the time at our work we communicate on messanger all time). Few days after I left for my friends meeting while she was on jogging and she got angry because I didnt wait to kiss her goodbye before leaving. In both situations I spent a lot of hours to make her feel good again. She started to be controlling at some point even though she didnt have any reason to do and at the same time she started to hide something from me. I just figured out she is writing to her friend how bad I am because I didnt reply or didnt wait for her days before. I asked her if she broke our promise and she told she did not. It made me feel very bad. I asked why she lies. She closed herself like the first breakup without any sorry. Next day she went for a trip, sending me a message its over.

We had huge problems with communications so I started to buy books about it and went for the therapy to solve some problems and I still have huge feelings for her and Im sure she has huge feelings for me. Maybe I m not real with myself now but I really would love to try again maybe in few months with last try after I make myself a better man who really understands her and is able to give her an empathy she needs. But because I started to be anxious and needy, I pushed her away to the point she is scared of me.

 

Am I crazy? 

 

Edited March 12, 2021 by dm90

[Alpacalia]

The drugs are like tossing a large stone into a still pond.

Will you both (separately) seek treatment for it? 

[dm90]

I basically stopped doing it after the first fights. I did it maybe once after our 2nd fight during period of our relationship+5weeks of being alone. I think she might have taken it few more times but I have no idea at all. I feel not addicted at all, not planning to smoke or take any  drugs anymore for my own sake

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, dm90 said:

Am I crazy? 

You are not crazy but you are unrealistic.  You two have had more than your share of bad things but that is a lousy foundation for a relationship.  

You need to address your own issues & get a handle on your drug usage. Only when you become mentally heathy yourself will you be able to sustain a relationship.  Taking on a relationship with her, when she is as broken as you are, is a path to disaster.  Neither of you have the reserves to support yourselves let alone each other.  

 

All of the 12 step programs advocate not starting a relationship, including not getting back together, for at least one full year when you stop drinking or smoking.  

Edited March 12, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, dm90 said:

1. break up was because of smoking weed.

2. break up was because of other drug, the one she also takes occacionally.

3rd break up was because of some shitty argument fight which ended her crying as she is highy sensitive person

4th breakup was because of message fight, at some point related with weed again even though I didnt smoke.

5th breakup was the most hurtful. We promised to focus on communication and got it very serious

Sorry this happened. 5  breakups in 12 weeks a quite a bit. It seems you're not suited for each other. It just causing both of you a lot of stress. Pull back and let this be over for good. On/Off relationships are usually fraught with a lot of incompatibilities and drama.

Edited March 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

This not going to work, OP. 

There's no point wasting your time on something so unhealthy. It won't end well, guaranteed. 

[Stromae]

any further contact from your part is only going to push her away even more, and may potentially get you into legal trouble if things eventually got bad enough. 

my advice would be to work on yourself first and foremost. 3 months is not a long time to have so much drama unfold and there was never a solid foundation.  

there is nothing you can do at this point to “prove your love” or that you have become a changed person. Fixing your problems to then try to prove to her you’ve changed... is proof you haven’t changed. 
 

if there is somehow a chance of things working it would have to come from her reaching out, but from what you’ve described you are best to work on yourself and move on to someone more compatible and who you can grow with