On the illusion of 'closure' and 'final impression' and why we can relax and stop trying to create it

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

Posting a lot today, but this is therapeutic for me, and I hope that perhaps some others will find something helpful in what I write down. Forgive me if I sound patronizing when speaking to an abstract "you": really, I'm speaking to myself.

In my own experience, one of the most powerful reasons I give myself to break NC is closure. This doesn't necessarily mean that I seek the Grand Last Conversation in which everything would finally be cleared up and I would be at peace (though it certainly is a powerful myth). It might also be to apologize for having said something I no longer stand by, to clear up "this one last thing", to show final goodwill, - even to show how much I've grown and changed.

Now, to my mind, there is one and only one good reason to break NC: you have messed up badly enough during or after the breakup, and you genuinely feel sorry for it. Let's be clear, "badly enough" has a lower and an upper boundary. First off, the upper boundary: if you became a bad stalker, if you harassed your ex, if you engaged in behavior that can safely be called abusive, if you became physically violent, then it is too late for apologies and I believe the only right thing to do is to back off from your ex forever and seek counseling. In some of the aforementioned cases you might belong in jail. There is no cleaning of slates because you broke the slate.

If, on the other hand, you've said things in the heat of the moment that you didn't mean, if you clung on for way too long, if you bargained beyond what could be called reasonable, and if your sole motivation is to apologize because you feel sorry and no longer stand by this then I do believe this can be a valid reason to break NC. I've been there. Sadly, I also have gone about things the wrong way.

Long explanatory messages and letters are inappropriate. This is just more bargaining and you are kidding yourself. Anything that could be construed as you trying to put yourself in a more positive light and redeem yourself, probably is, despite what you think. And putting yourself in a more positive light is not a valid reason to break NC - remember, there is one and only one. So since the only valid reason is to genuinely apologize for your behavior the entire communication can only be that. A short, courteous message of apology, perhaps followed by best wishes. That is all. It will remain the only message. Whether or not your ex accepts your apology is entirely up to them. If you feel your behavior is generally forgivable yet they don't forgive you then that is how it is and there is no changing that.

Which brings me to the lower boundary of "bad enough". The neverending, torturous, and pointless attempts to make the final things we say and do the right things to say and do.

What you wrote in your last message, said in your last conversation was not perfect? It didn't quite convey how you feel? It could be misconstrued as something else? Didn't find the right words?

Don't worry, there are no right words. I believe we are all conditioned to believe in "final sentences", "final scenes" in large part due to the narrative arts: literature, movies. Good novels end with beautiful last sentences that really drive the whole thing home. Good movies end with scenes that often makes us viewers see the entire film in a different light. And we think that life is like that. That if we only craft the best last message to send, we will create perfect understanding between our ex and ourselves, finally be on the same page again. Perhaps we won't be together again but there will be common understanding.

But life isn't a novel or a movie, but rather an ongoing process. The way you view your past changes continually, which is why that perfect message you crafted a week ago now seems pathetic and like not the right thing at all. But NOW you've got the right thing, correct? No, no you don't. I know you don't, because what you are looking for doesn't even exist.

Neither will you get your ex to see things a certain way, nor will your own view of things stay the same. In theory, you could craft a message that they would understand perfectly well, and in fact you probably have if you sent messages at all, after all they know you pretty well. But it's ultimately a pointless exercise. Times keeps moving forward, and neither will they stick with the view they gained from your communication, nor will you. People's perceptions will forever change. You will not "capture" anything.

If you think of how communication works between people who are NOT in no contact, who haven't ended their relationship with each other, well it works the same way. Nothing you ever say to each other is set in stone. Yesterday you were best friends, yet today you fought.

We are tempted to think that this is a special situation because after all, something has ended - namely, our relationship with the ex. But from that doesn't follow that there is such a thing as a "final sentence", or "closure". You and your ex are both still alive (hopefully), which means your thought processes carry on. Your former relationship isn't a movie which is set in stone and forever unchanging. It is over, but you are not.

It's alright if the last thing you did was not up to your standards that you have right now. It's far far below the lower boundary of "bad enough so you may break NC". It's not a reason to break NC at all. Forgive yourself, shrug, say people are people, and move on.

So this is a motivational post to stick to NC. The best time to go into NC was the day of the breakup; the second best time is now, regardless of what the last thing you said was.

Edited March 12, 2021 by StoryOfMyLifeYes

[Happy Lemming]

For me, I never really cared what the other person had to say after telling me they wanted to break up.  My brain has an internal "mute" feature, so after hearing "I no longer wish to see you"; I don't hear a thing after that comes out of her mouth.  I don't need to hear the venom or vitriol that is going to follow as a reason.  I try to be the best person I can be (for the woman I'm dating) and if that isn't good enough... she should leave and go seek out someone better, as I'm not changing for anyone.

In most cases (I found out later), that the woman dumping me found a guy with a bigger wallet.  I would have preferred these women be truthful. I've learned any reason given to me (by the dumper) was complete and total crap, thus the internal "mute" feature in my brain.

In one instance, I remember a woman dumped me "in person" and before she could finish her sentence, I looked at my watch to see what time it was.  She asked me "Why did I just look at my watch?"... I told her I was seeing if there was time for me to "grab a shower" before I went to the bar to find her replacement... which (by the way) is exactly what I did.

[Pumpernickel]

1 hour ago, StoryOfMyLifeYes said:

Long explanatory messages and letters are inappropriate. This is just more bargaining and you are kidding yourself. Anything that could be construed as you trying to put yourself in a more positive light and redeem yourself, probably is, despite what you think. And putting yourself in a more positive light is not a valid reason to break NC - remember, there is one and only one. So since the only valid reason is to genuinely apologize for your behavior the entire communication can only be that. A short, courteous message of apology, perhaps followed by best wishes. That is all. It will remain the only message. Whether or not your ex accepts your apology is entirely up to them. If you feel your behavior is generally forgivable yet they don't forgive you then that is how it is and there is no changing that.

 

Apologize for what, exactly? 

I think the best way to get "closure", if someone breaks up with you, is to end the conversation and never look back. If they want to talk to you later, they'll let you know, and then it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to discuss relationship stuff and whatnot.

It really took me almost 30 years of relationship experience to come to that conclusion, but I have no more tolerance for BS; if a partner wants to break up, then let them.
It's not that I am NOT hurt when a R ends, but I really don't need a lengthy discussion after the fact. I am done. In my younger years, I was heartbroken and I acted the part. Begging, reaching out, endless discussions, etc. – It sometimes worked, but sometimes it didn't. I have come to the conclusion that when a person ends a R with you, there's usually a loss of attraction involved, or another/new person. That's it. And therefore, you must be done. You cannot repair lost attraction, and you cannot fight a new love interest. The new attraction will be strong, and you don't want to appear pathetic. Keep your dignity. 

Edited March 12, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Gaeta]

It was a relationship of 4 months, you do not need closure or apologize. 

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It was a relationship of 4 months, you do not need closure or apologize. 

Closure sure, but I'm not sure I agree with the apologizing part. After all, so what if it was even just one month? I do feel like if the person is important and you feel like you're learned something through the breakup the wish to apologize can be valid.

[Gaeta]

Apologizing if for yourself, to get rid of that weight on your heart, it's not for her. She prefers to not see your name on her phone. 

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

That again is fair. I still feel like that doesn't necessarily relate to the length of the relationship, though. Anyway, of course I did make the mistake of apologizing loudly and profusely, so I had to learn the hard way instead of just not making the mistake in the first place.

[Gaeta]

It's ok we learn by trial and error. 

I know if my ex text me an apology it would hurt me greatly that he contacts me while I try to get over him and I wouldn't care it's about an apology. 

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no neat closure when someone break up with us. The only words that matter are them saying they don't want to date us. That's it. There is nothing that softens the blow. The blow has to hurt. If it doesn't hurt, we never liked the person in the first place.

I had a very kind breakup with an ex, who said wonderful things about me. It still hurt like hell. And truth be told, she had said the same wonderful things earlier. So I could have taken the good things she said and been content with that without extending talk at the end.

You're right: movies distort reality on this front. BTW: this happens too around death. Final words around death are not as important as the movies make it out to be. When my parent were near dying, my feelings about them were based on our whole relationship. We had a close relationship, and that's what mattered. An acquaintance I know had a distant relationship with his mother, and she was distant to the very end. No magical words.

Movies "telescope" reality. In real life, it can take years after a breakup to figure out the breakup and learn a big lesson. Movies don't like to skip to "five years later." In fact, in real life we often repeat the same pattern with multiple people before we learn the lesson we could have learned from the first person. Movies in effect combine lovers a, b, c, & d into one person ... and thus distill things. 

Same with breakups. Movies telescope. They have characters saying things in real time that they would only in real life figure out years later, would only have the confidence to say years later. 

[Pumpernickel]

On 3/13/2021 at 11:11 AM, Gaeta said:

It's ok we learn by trial and error. 

I know if my ex text me an apology it would hurt me greatly that he contacts me while I try to get over him and I wouldn't care it's about an apology. 

Really? You are so much more mature than I am. All I am waiting for is an apology text (silly, I know), not to get back together, but so that I can shove it back up his a**, and be mean. I know it's childish, petty and immature, but I can't help it. But nothing's happening, so I am getting on with my life.