Bellabeauty Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 Long story short, I was in a really unhealthy, unstable relationship for 6 months. The guy was incredibly selfish, inconsiderate, and I later found out a porn addict and a cheater. The relationship was incredibly hard and honestly, a little traumatizing. On Valentines weekend, I discovered a bunch of lies and that he had started talking to another woman (on top of sexting many others), so I dumped him and blocked him. Alone and in pain, I immediately made a few dating profiles just to talk to some guys and help boost up my confidence and self-esteem. Within days, I found someone I honestly WISH I would have met 8 months ago. We have the same values, hobbies, interests, and a strong moral compass. We're both practicing Christians, we're both healthy and very physically active, we both enjoy cooking and baking, we both love reading books particularly self-help and modern fiction, and we are both getting into dancing, preparing ourselves for when the clubs open up. Initially, I just thought it might be a short fling and we'll move on. But, it is starting to border onto something serious and we have been dating for close to a month at this point, seeing each other 1-2x a week now. Of course, I'm maintaining distance and a healthy mindset and reminding myself that this still COULD just be a fling and not to get too excited about anything. We haven't had sex and I've told him I want to take things really, really slow in that aspect (because I get very attached after sex and don't want to get my heart broken, AGAIN), which he understands. But, he has been very honest since the first date, admitting he is looking to settle down, wants a wife and kids and all that, as he is a bit older. (He is 10 years older than I am and 12 years older than my ex-boyfriend, so the emotional and intellectual maturity is astonishing!!) And, has mentioned possibly exclusivity as he doesn't like the idea of dating multiple people at once as it just confuses things and seems pointless if you're looking for something serious. In his words. ... is it too soon to jump into it with this guy? am I setting myself up for failure? I dated my ex for only 6 months so it's not like we were engaged and living together or anything like that. But... this new guy does not know how recent my breakup was, he thinks it happened months ago.... so that might be a weird conversation in the future if i ever let it slip....
spiderowl Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 It sounds like you really like the new guy, OP. If you know you are over your ex - and that is unlikely - then why not date someone else? You do need to be aware of rebound relationships, where one person seeks another for comfort after a relationship failed. These relationships rarely last but who knows? Because you were hurting, it is possible you are seeing this new guy as the answer to your dreams. You don't know him well enough yet. I would advise taking it slowly and definitely not moving in with him until you have got past the 1 year mark. Give yourself time to get to know the new guy - people can seem amazing at first but then the problems can start to appear. In summary, why not date him but don't rush into any serious commitment - financial or legal. 2
Ami1uwant Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 I’m skeptical of how much in common you really have without the rose colored glasses on.
Wiseman2 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 Go for it but this time slow your roll and get to know each other better. 2
basil67 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 I'm with @Wiseman2 . If it feels good, go with it. But retain a sense that it may not work out. 1 1
Happy Lemming Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 In my opinion, its never too soon to find a replacement. I can remember in one instance I got dumped by this woman at 6:00pm. I showered and went to my local pub for a beer, at midnight I was sleeping with her replacement. I dated the new woman for quite a while (until I moved). I never found a need in sitting on my couch pondering over the old relationship and what might have been or analyzing things said. I say "go for it"! 3
Author Bellabeauty Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 10 hours ago, spiderowl said: It sounds like you really like the new guy, OP. If you know you are over your ex - and that is unlikely - then why not date someone else? You do need to be aware of rebound relationships, where one person seeks another for comfort after a relationship failed. These relationships rarely last but who knows? Because you were hurting, it is possible you are seeing this new guy as the answer to your dreams. You don't know him well enough yet. I would advise taking it slowly and definitely not moving in with him until you have got past the 1 year mark. Give yourself time to get to know the new guy - people can seem amazing at first but then the problems can start to appear. In summary, why not date him but don't rush into any serious commitment - financial or legal. Yes, I am trying to take it slow. I jumped into things very quickly with the last guy because I'd been a little tired of being single/alone during the quarantine and it was hard to date, so I was ignoring a lot of red flags at the beginning. With this guy, I am trying to be more aware and conscious and take things slow. I am also not trying to get my hopes up for anything either. Just taking it slow and focusing on my hobbies and passions and my family for now. Only thing is I still have a little bit of baggage from the last relationship and I do not want to bring that into this relationship by having immediate suspicions or sneaking a peek at a locked screen or anything like that. Which is why I'm trying real hard to take it as slow as possible. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 Whether it's too soon is not measured on a calendar. Whether you broke up with the other guy 6 minutes ago, 6 days ago, or 6 months ago doesn't matter. It's about how you feel. Are you well & truly done with the guy you broke up with? Are you mentally past him or do you have more ruminating to do? The idea that you immediately made a few dating profiles to boost your confidence & self esteem indicates to me you aren't ready. This scattershot approach reeks of desperation; you will do anything to not be alone. That is not a healthy place from which to begin a new relationship. Until you have self esteem inside you, any external validation you get will be fleeting at best. Sorry. You said it yourself. You get attached very quickly. That has not changed just because you have said you want to take things slow. Do you know how to take things slow? The idea that you are attracted to this older guy in part because he has said what you want to hear -- that he is looking for long term, stable, marriage etc. -- tells me you haven't fully grasped slow. It's fine to talk about expectations & to assure that somebody doesn't want casual but that is as far as things can go for now & IMO, at least for the first 6+ months. You always have to be holding back in that time frame. You are still watching & learning, not fully investing yet. Yes you should invest a little more each week but only a little. Do not go all in. IMO a good rule of thumb is no discussions about living together until you have been together at least 1 year. If you do live together, no discussions about marriage until you have lived together at least 1 year. If you don't cohabitate, under 30, no discussions about marriage for at least 2 years of dating. Over 30, you can shorten that a little. I was almost 40 when I met the man who is now my husband. His lease was ending when we had been together about 11 months. I asked if he wanted to move in to my house. He said no. Life went on. After dating about 18 months, he proposed. He moved in at 23 months & we married 3 months later but we were older. The fact that you consider yourself to have "baggage" from the last relationship tells me you are not ready to start dating again. After a certain age everybody has a past. The key is to make sure you only take a little bit. The idea that you are worried you will be suspicious about this guy because the last guy was snake says you haven't unpacked that relationship yet. Until you do, until you pare that stuff down to a carry on, or better yet, something you can fit in your purse, you are not ready. You are already worried that you will punish this new guy for your EX's bad behavior. It's a great insight but what does it tell you about your own readiness to move forward? 1
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 (edited) Honesty is all it takes. You can say "I recently ended a horrible 6 month relationship and really didn't think I would meet someone as wonderful, and so full of promise as you...I hope this doesn't deter you or think this is a rebound of sorts because it's not." "I hope you will allow me to take more time getting to know you, and see where it takes us." Edited March 12, 2021 by smackie9 2
Miss Spider Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: In my opinion, its never too soon to find a replacement. I can remember in one instance I got dumped by this woman at 6:00pm. I showered and went to my local pub for a beer, at midnight I was sleeping with her replacement. I dated the new woman for quite a while (until I moved). I never found a need in sitting on my couch pondering over the old relationship and what might have been or analyzing things said. I say "go for it"! Agree. If you’re ready, you’re ready. Don’t let someone else’s timeline of what you ought to do slow you down Edited March 12, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 3
divegrl Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 Go for it. You can heal + date at the same time. Not mutually exclusive. You already have a head start because you are aware of your thoughts + feelings + actions. You can witness any suspicions from a neutral perspective, without bringing them into your new relationship. Have a beautiful day friend. 1
chillii Posted March 13, 2021 Posted March 13, 2021 23 hours ago, smackie9 said: Honesty is all it takes. You can say "I recently ended a horrible 6 month relationship and really didn't think I would meet someone as wonderful, and so full of promise as you...I hope this doesn't deter you or think this is a rebound of sorts because it's not." "I hope you will allow me to take more time getting to know you, and see where it takes us." Exactly what l was thinking. Any real couple or gonna be, talk about all this stuff along the way anyway it's only natural , as smackies saying just be honest and take it slow he should be fine with that if he really cares about you.
ShyViolet Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 On 3/11/2021 at 10:01 PM, Bellabeauty said: But, he has been very honest since the first date, admitting he is looking to settle down, wants a wife and kids and all that, as he is a bit older. (He is 10 years older than I am and 12 years older than my ex-boyfriend, so the emotional and intellectual maturity is astonishing!!) And, has mentioned possibly exclusivity as he doesn't like the idea of dating multiple people at once as it just confuses things and seems pointless if you're looking for something serious. In his words. You've been seeing him less than a month and he's already talking about this stuff. He's the one trying to move too fast here, and saying things that are inappropriate for a relationship that's been going on less than a month. I see absolutely nothing wrong with you getting back on a dating site soon after breaking up with your ex and starting to date again right away, as long as you know you should take it slow. I don't think that's really the issue here. Just tell him that you like him but you are looking to take it slow.
Fletch Lives Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 That could be a good problem to have. See how things go for another month.
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 Usually I will advocate to take some real time off after a breakup but because your last relationship was only 6 months and because it was not a good relationship that you're regretting losing then I think you should enjoy this new man that is good toward you. I think you should be honest with him though and @smackie9 gave you a perfect exemple of the conversation you should have with him. Agreeing to exclusivity with him doesn't mean you're jumping into anything. You still keep your dates at a couple a week, doesn't mean you're meeting his mom & his friends either. A man wanting to date you exclusively should be a breath of fresh air after dating a cheater. If you have issues concerning your ex-relationship, if it's hard for you to trust because of his cheating, then you want to talk about this with a professional. Sometimes 1 or 2 meetings is enough for us to move on from left over hurt. 1
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