Spending the night protocol

[TheBlingRing14]

This is something I'm not entirely used to....a new situation for me, so...I dunno if I did the right thing or wrong thing.

I've been seeing a guy, and last night, ended up at his place, and one thing leads to another, as it does. I should add that I live an hour away. Now...I honestly expected things to take I dunno 30-45 minutes. Oh no...we were at it for like 2 hours. 

We're talking like 90 minutes of foreplay. Anyway, it was really pretty incredible, a great experience. But...it put us at about midnight with post-coital cuddles and all that, and we were getting sleepy. And, remember, I had an hour drive ahead of me....and work in the morning. So at some point I end up saying "Well I better get up and get dressed." I mean...it was our first time together, I just presumed I would be leaving. It never occurred to me that staying the night would be a possibility. His response was "Do what you gotta do." Which I honestly didn't think much of at the time. 

He never asked me to spend the night. But, I don't know if he assumed I would. Or, if he assumed I was going to be leaving. Like...maybe if I would have fallen asleep in his bed, maybe he would have kicked me out at some point. Anyway, I feel kind of bad, because he stayed up till I got home and let him know that I made it home safely, whereas if I would have stayed, he probably could have gone to sleep sooner. So, I do feel a bit guilty.

So, I guess my question, as a novice to this kind of situation....how do you know what to do? Is it up to you to ask "Hey am I staying here or going home?" Is it up to the host to clarify? Is the default standard that you should plan to not stay, unless it is explicitly said to stay? Do you just fall asleep and let the other person decide what to do?

I'd love some input. 

 

 

[Noproblem]

no it's always the host offering. Guests can't infringe, unless they fell asleep or felt sick.. They of course can ask politely to stay!

But it was his job to say, you can stay if you want! I don't know why you feel guilty about the situation, but also to give him the benefit of the doubt, he might wanted to give you the freedom of choice and not force you to do anything.

 

But if a friend wants to leave late at night, I won't let them, what if something bad happen to them?

Now we are talking about you, a person he had sex with and a woman who lives 1 hr away and leaving at 12 am!

He should have ASKED you to stay

This in my dictionary a "RED FLAG"

 

Edited March 12, 2021 by Noproblem

[basil67]

 I've done a quick survey of our household:  21yo daughter, 53yo self and 59yo hubby.   While an invitation is nice, there is unanimous agreement that if you're there at that time and have a long drive home, there's nothing wrong with settling in for the night.   And no decent person is going to throw you out at 4am and tell you to drive home.  

Disclaimer: I stayed overnight with hubby after copious amounts of sex, on the night of the day we met, without being invited.  The next morning, I did wake and wonder if I'd need to do the walk of shame, but he rolled over, kissed me good morning and we're still together 30 years later.

 

Edited March 12, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

It's up to you. If you don't want the awkwardness of morning after with an almost stranger, then just go home.

Next time either plan to stay or leave. Are these hookups or are you looking for more of a dating/relationship situation?

 

[Happy Lemming]

I remember (in one instance) staying the night/having sex with one woman (first time) and asking her to set the alarm clock, so I could get home, shower and get to work (on time) the next day.

I've also been known to "call out sick" the next day from work, so I could have a late morning (round 2) with the woman after a shower.

The only time I've left (after sex) was when I was in a FWB relationship and that was one of her ground rules... I can't really think of any other instance where I've left or the woman has left without spending the night.

Personally, I think I would have asked you to stay... his response strikes me as odd.

[TheBlingRing14]

9 hours ago, Noproblem said:

no it's always the host offering. Guests can't infringe, unless they fell asleep or felt sick.. They of course can ask politely to stay!

But it was his job to say, you can stay if you want! I don't know why you feel guilty about the situation, but also to give him the benefit of the doubt, he might wanted to give you the freedom of choice and not force you to do anything.

 

But if a friend wants to leave late at night, I won't let them, what if something bad happen to them?

Now we are talking about you, a person he had sex with and a woman who lives 1 hr away and leaving at 12 am!

He should have ASKED you to stay

This in my dictionary a "RED FLAG"

 

 

That's a fair assessment. 

Now, to be honest though....the option would have been to leave at 12 am, or to wake up on like 4 hours of sleep and leave at 4 am to drive home. So, there was no ideal scenario. 

I also didn't want to overstay my welcome. And like to said, benefit of the doubt, he knew I had work in the morning, so knew we wouldn't be sleeping in and cuddling and going for round 2 or anything like that. 

I don't know if it's a HUGE red flag that he didn't offer.....he's kind of weird and awkward about things that he assumes I know or should know. So, it's definitely a flag to keep an eye on. 

 

 

[TheBlingRing14]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

 I've done a quick survey of our household:  21yo daughter, 53yo self and 59yo hubby.   While an invitation is nice, there is unanimous agreement that if you're there at that time and have a long drive home, there's nothing wrong with settling in for the night.   And no decent person is going to throw you out at 4am and tell you to drive home.  

Disclaimer: I stayed overnight with hubby after copious amounts of sex, on the night of the day we met, without being invited.  The next morning, I did wake and wonder if I'd need to do the walk of shame, but he rolled over, kissed me good morning and we're still together 30 years later.

 

 

I totally understand your example here, which is why this is all so new to me. 

With my ex, we also slept together the same day/night we met. It was intended to be this one-time-thing, hookup scenario. For us to release our urges, so to speak. We were also quite long distance, so we met halfway at a BnB. 

So, there was no "You should stay", "I should go" awkward conversations. No skulking out in the middle of the night. We were several hours away from our respective homes. Anyway, our relationship ended up blossoming from there. And anytime we went to see each other, it was a deliberate situation. For a couple/few days at a time. 

So, this is definitely a whole new experience, so I guess I am just not feeling completely confident with what I should or shouldn't have done. 

 

 

[TheBlingRing14]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's up to you. If you don't want the awkwardness of morning after with an almost stranger, then just go home.

Next time either plan to stay or leave. Are these hookups or are you looking for more of a dating/relationship situation?

 

It's a dating relationship situation. 

[TheBlingRing14]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I remember (in one instance) staying the night/having sex with one woman (first time) and asking her to set the alarm clock, so I could get home, shower and get to work (on time) the next day.

I've also been known to "call out sick" the next day from work, so I could have a late morning (round 2) with the woman after a shower.

The only time I've left (after sex) was when I was in a FWB relationship and that was one of her ground rules... I can't really think of any other instance where I've left or the woman has left without spending the night.

Personally, I think I would have asked you to stay... his response strikes me as odd.

 

Well, the whole thing is just odd....with it being on a weekday, and us living a decent distance apart. It's not like I lived/worked across town and could have just woken up and driven home or to work. 

We both had to work, so sadly, there would be no late morning, or round 2, or shower together or anything like that....although that would have been amazing. 

To me, it (me leaving after) didn't feel like a one night stand or FWB or anything like that...but I don't know from his perspective how he took it. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Your thinking here is off, but you're a novice. Thanks for sharing that. 

A few pointers.

 also didn't want to overstay my welcome. You have to kill this.

Kill off this thinking entirely. What are you, hired help? Your attitude needs to be you stay as long as you want, as long as you need, as long as you feel comfortable. You just slept him and already you're acting like a doormat, volunteering to be a doormat. Hey! In relationships, people willingly comfort us and go out of their way for us. After sex that long, there is an implicit rule that you will stay the night, absence some super-early emergency. 

So next time know you have the right to spend the night. You only get up and leave if you feel uncomfortable and he's treating you like dirt. Otherwise, you have a right to sleep. Sometimes "sex & the after sleep" is considered pretty much part of the same act. 

didn't want to overstay your welcome. Jeez!  This guy just had amazing sex with you.

You didn't inconvenience him. What the eff are you thinking!? You're acting like you just asked a store employee to work 2 hours of unpaid overtime to find an item you wanted that was in some outdoor freezing warehouse and required him to throw out his back in the cold to get the item. This guy just had the time of his life with you! He was lucky to spend time with YOU! BTW: there are people out there (I would say mostly women) who feel almost dirty if the guy doesn't spend the night with them after sex. 

OK, there are ways that people communicate that they expect you to stay. One, they'll turn off all the lights (even if say a table lamp has been on while having sex.) Turning out all the lights is usually a signal that hey, I'm going to sleep. We're going to sleep. Pulling the covers over both people is another signal that I'm expecting you to stay. I'm making the bed comfortable for both of us. The other signal is just how comfortable you are, how cared for you feel. Since you got to worrying about overstaying your welcome, you most likely blocked your ability to pay attention to how welcome you felt. Or maybe you did feel some coldness in the room? If you felt like he pushed you away (and this is subtle stuff but you can FEEL it--you really can) then yes, by all means go.

BTW: getting up at some insanely early hour to have to go home and/or go to work. That's the fun of being young. The craziness of this is part of the fun. This is a good tired! Reminds me of the weekends, I went out to some all-night dances. OMG, so much fun. OMG, I was recovering an entire week afterwards. And I'd do it again!

What bothers me is that he didn't you to stay. Most people would do that, even people who aren't in love with you.

Question: did he walk you to the door? Did he hug or kiss you at the door? A really sharp man would walk you to your car at 12 midnight. Did he do that?!

What has the contact been like with this guy since that night?

Edited March 22, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[TheBlingRing14]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Your thinking here is off, but you're a novice. Thanks for sharing that. 

A few pointers.

 also didn't want to overstay my welcome. You have to kill this.

Kill off this thinking entirely. What are you, hired help? Your attitude needs to be you stay as long as you want, as long as you need, as long as you feel comfortable. You just slept him and already you're acting like a doormat, volunteering to be a doormat. Hey! In relationships, people willingly comfort us and go out of their way for us. After sex that long, there is an implicit rule that you will stay the night, absence some super-early emergency. 

So next time know you have the right to spend the night. You only get up and leave if you feel uncomfortable and he's treating you like dirt. Otherwise, you have a right to sleep. Sometimes "sex & the after sleep" is considered pretty much part of the same act. 

didn't want to overstay your welcome. Jeez!  This guy just had amazing sex with you.

You didn't inconvenience him. What the eff are you thinking!? You're acting like you just asked a store employee to work 2 hours of unpaid overtime to find an item you wanted that was in some outdoor freezing warehouse and required him to throw out his back in the cold to get the item. This guy just had the time of his life with you! He was lucky to spend time with YOU! BTW: there are people out there (I would say mostly women) who feel almost dirty if the guy doesn't spend the night with them after sex. 

OK, there are ways that people communicate that they expect you to stay. One, they'll turn off all the lights (even if say a table lamp has been on while having sex.) Turning out all the lights is usually a signal that hey, I'm going to sleep. We're going to sleep. Pulling the covers over both people is another signal that I'm expecting you to stay. I'm making the bed comfortable for both of us. The other signal is just how comfortable you are, how cared for you feel. Since you got to worrying about overstaying your welcome, you most likely blocked your ability to pay attention to how welcome you felt. Or maybe you did feel some coldness in the room? If you felt like he pushed you away (and this is subtle stuff but you can FEEL it--you really can) then yes, by all means go.

BTW: getting up at some insanely early hour to have to go home and/or go to work. That's the fun of being young. The craziness of this is part of the fun. This is a good tired! Reminds me of the weekends, I went out to some all-night dances. OMG, so much fun. OMG, I was recovering an entire week afterwards. And I'd do it again!

What bothers me is that he didn't you to stay. Most people would do that, even people who aren't in love with you.

Question: did he walk you to the door? Did he hug or kiss you at the door? A really sharp man would walk you to your car at 12 midnight. Did he do that?!

What has the contact been like with this guy since that night?

 

Well if he had the time of his life with me, he hasn't really been very eager to make it happen again. 

Sooooo lamp thing didn't happen. Although looking back, I don't remember there being a lamp on. There was light coming from somewhere though, it wasn't pitch black. The covers part did happen. 

Yes, he walked me to the door, even though I told him I could show myself out. He offered water or snacks for the road. There was a slight side-hug but no kiss. He didn't walk me to my car, but my car was 20 feet away from his front door...he did watch me until I got in my car and left. 

Contact has been mostly normal. We talk most days. But, like I said, he hasn't exactly been pushing for a round 2 either. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

He offered water or snacks for the road. he hasn't exactly been pushing for a round 2 either. 

It's unclear why you would want to have a round 2 with someone who treats you like a call girl?

[Lotsgoingon]

So, you wanna assume he's not interested in a serious or ongoing relationship. Otherwise, he would be burning up the phone with texts and calls.

Again next time, stop this "I can show myself out." 

Let him show you out. Let him walk with you. Now, you might not have wanted that at the time. But I'm worried you just did that on reflex, out of the same "I don't want to overstay my welcome" thinking.

You want to ask for whatever you want right away. Doing that is what wins points because the other person knows they have to step up if they're gonna be with you. And it's just the right way to treat yourself.

So you feeling any heartbreak about his not following up?

[TheBlingRing14]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So, you wanna assume he's not interested in a serious or ongoing relationship. Otherwise, he would be burning up the phone with texts and calls.

Again next time, stop this "I can show myself out." 

Let him show you out. Let him walk with you. Now, you might not have wanted that at the time. But I'm worried you just did that on reflex, out of the same "I don't want to overstay my welcome" thinking.

You want to ask for whatever you want right away. Doing that is what wins points because the other person knows they have to step up if they're gonna be with you. And it's just the right way to treat yourself.

So you feeling any heartbreak about his not following up?

I mean no not really....I just had a lunch, etc date with him today. 

Like I said, we talk most days. He just hasn't been like....."Get over here in my bed right now!" or anything like that. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Keep in mind that right now you need to go into cold evaluation mode. Don't get stuck on waiting for HIM to decide.

Think about what YOU want? Do you like this guy? Do you feel you want to continue seeing this guy? Drop the "I'm not sure" stuff. Do you REALLY want to see him again? 

The dumbest thing we do in life is suffer heartbreak at the hands of people that, if we slowed down a second, we would know we don't really want to be with anyway.