No physical contact on the third date

[sliticy]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

She knows you like her on a sexual level.  I actually think most women know this intuitively, meaning they don't have to think about it, they know it on a gut level.   They know how a guy that wants them sexually looks at them.  You made a move so she knows you have the guts to go for it.  She's just not comfortable, that's the last part. 

If you're still interested, I think just sitting back and just creating a fun experience is your best bet.  I'm thinking she will be very touched and appreciative that you're allowing her to get comfortable without pressuring her and she will come around.  It also says that you know how to back off when she says no, which is obviously very important.  Every woman is fearful that a guy won't stop when she says no.

Yeah I can give her some time to warm up and just have fun and be relaxed around her. But how will I know when it's time to try to escalate things again.. it's most likely not going to go anywhere then, because she will probably be too afraid to make a move on me. Do you think that will change when she gets more comfortable?

[poppyfields]

On 3/11/2021 at 3:10 PM, sliticy said:

At the end when i was about to hug her and say goodbye she pulled out her phone, and started texting, which put me in a position where i could not hug her. So yeah no real physical touch by the third date..

I am surprised no one else mentioned this, but this^ was just flat out RUDE, regardless whether she felt an attraction or not.  Automatic dealbreaker mate, NEXT.

Unless you have kids, put the damn phone away when on a date, PLEASE!  Huge pet peeve of mine, even with friends.  A man pulls out the phone and starts texting while on a date with me or spends time answering a text (unless from his kids), no thank you!

Okay, now that that little rant is over, lol, sexual chemistry between two people is typically mutual in my experience, it goes beyond mere physical appearance/looks, it's an energy between you, a certain vibe with that person.

Clearly that is NOT happening here, and don't care how much you have in common or how well you get along, that is not sexual chemistry.

I don't agree with whomever said that because she asked you out again, she likes you (in a romantic sense).  That is a huge assumption, many women enjoy dating for fun, kicks, a few laughs, a nice dinner, something to do and have zero interest in the guy.  And will initiate it as well, in fact IMO if she had really liked you (in a sexual, romantic sense which is what you want), she would have been nervous to take the initiative and ask you out.

I'd toss this one back, she's not shy or whatever other excuses your conjuring up, she feels no energy/chemistry with you, she's not sexually attracted, and she's rude to boot!

Raise your standards mate.  NEXT.

Edited March 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[sliticy]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am surprised no one else mentioned this, but this^ was just flat out RUDE, regardless whether she felt an attraction or not.  Automatic dealbreaker mate, NEXT.

Unless you have kids, put the damn phone away when on a date, PLEASE!  Huge pet peeve of mine, even with friends.  A man pulls out the phone and starts texting while on a date with me or spends time answering a text (unless from his kids), no thank you!

Okay, now that that little rant is over, lol, sexual chemistry between two people is typically mutual in my experience, it goes beyond mere physical appearance/looks, it's an energy between you, a certain vibe with that person.

Clearly that is NOT happening here, and don't care how much you have in common or how well you get along, that is not sexual chemistry.

I don't agree with whomever said that because she asked you out again, she likes you (in a romantic sense).  That is a huge assumption, many women enjoy dating for fun, kicks, a few laughs, a nice dinner, something to do and have zero interest in the guy.  And will initiate it as well, in fact IMO if she had really liked you (in a sexual, romantic sense which is what you want), she would have been nervous to take the initiative and ask you out.

I'd toss this one back, she's not shy or whatever other excuses your conjuring up, she feels no energy/chemistry with you, she's not sexually attracted, and she's rude to boot!

Raise your standards mate.  NEXT.

We did not talk pretty much for a week and then she asked me out, out of nowhere, pretty sure she was nervous as she took that long to ask. She was also acting nervous and awkward on the dates. Why would she keep seeing me if I am making her nervous or uncomfortable?

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, sliticy said:

We did not talk pretty much for a week and then she asked me out, out of nowhere, pretty sure she was nervous as she took that long to ask. She was also acting nervous and awkward on the dates. Why would she keep seeing me if I am making her nervous or uncomfortable?

Or maybe she was bored and had nothing else to do?  You can tell yourself whatever story you like, the reality is, unless you're physic, you have no idea if she's nervous or uncomfortable and that's why she's behaving this way and/or took so long to ask you out.  You're assuming, speculating, telling yourself a story to avoid feeling rejected and to justify you proceeding forward.  Might as well just own it.

sliticy, I am sorry, I am just giving you my opinion as a woman who has been in her shoes way back when I was young and immature.

But the real dealbreaker should have been her taking out her phone and texting while on the date, just as you were about to give her a hug?  Come on now mate, there is nothing justifying that, it was flat out rude and disrespectful, I am sorry.

 

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

37 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am surprised no one else mentioned this, but this^ was just flat out RUDE, regardless whether she felt an attraction or not.  Automatic dealbreaker mate, NEXT.

Unless you have kids, put the damn phone away when on a date, PLEASE!  Huge pet peeve of mine, even with friends.  A man pulls out the phone and starts texting while on a date with me or spends time answering a text (unless from his kids), no thank you!

Okay, now that that little rant is over, lol, sexual chemistry between two people is typically mutual in my experience, it goes beyond mere physical appearance/looks, it's an energy between you, a certain vibe with that person.

Clearly that is NOT happening here, and don't care how much you have in common or how well you get along, that is not sexual chemistry.

I don't agree with whomever said that because she asked you out again, she likes you (in a romantic sense).  That is a huge assumption, many women enjoy dating for fun, kicks, a few laughs, a nice dinner, something to do and have zero interest in the guy.  And will initiate it as well, in fact IMO if she had really liked you (in a sexual, romantic sense which is what you want), she would have been nervous to take the initiative and ask you out.

I'd toss this one back, she's not shy or whatever other excuses your conjuring up, she feels no energy/chemistry with you, she's not sexually attracted, and she's rude to boot!

Raise your standards mate.  NEXT.

She's 19, not 25 or 35.  I just think it's a matter of her being sheltered or just otherwise inexperienced with dating.  I'm sure you can remember the difference as far as physical contact comfort between the ages of 19 and however old you are now.  Pretty different I would venture to guess.

Maybe she is just asking him out beceause it's bettere than looking at the 4 walls at home but I would take into account that both are essentially babies in the context of dating.  I've already said he should move on if he's not that into her, but if he is, it would be a good idea to just sit back and create a fun experience without pawing at her like a horny teenager.

Edited March 19, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She's 19, not 25 or 35.  I just think it's a matter of her being sheltered or just otherwise inexperienced with dating.  I'm sure you can remember the difference in how you dated between the ages of 19 and however old you are now.  Pretty different I would venture to guess.

I see, are you psychic too?    Yes, I do remember dating at 19, I accepted dates from lots of guys whether I had an interest or not.  Just like she's doing.  When I felt an energy, an attraction (which was rare), I had no problem kissing, being physically affectionate.  And the guy went on to become my boyfriend.

Look, we are all assuming/speculating including the OP.   None of us know what's she thinking or feeling, the only person who knows is HER.

sliticy, do what you want and let it play out.  If you get shot down, then so be, lesson hopefully learned for next time.

Good luck!

 

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

Just now, poppyfields said:

I see, are you psychic too?    Yes, I do remember dating at 19, I accepted dates from lots of guys whether I had an interest or not.  Just like she's doing.  When I felt an energy, an attraction (which was rare), I had no problem kissing, being physically affectionate.  And the guy went on to become my boyfriend.

Look, we are all assuming/speculating including the OP.   None of us know what's she thinking or feeling, the only person who knows is HER.

sliticy, do what you want and let it play out.  If you get shot down, then so be, lesson learned.

Good luck!

 

 

Not psychic, but she asked him out this time, not the other way around.  In my experience, when women have asked me out (which is rare) 100% of the time it was because they liked me romantically.  Maybe I'm just lucky in that regard.

Not a big deal, he either likes her enough to give it a shot or not.  If he was thinking about asking her out again I would say hell no, but that's not the case here.

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Not psychic, but she asked him out this time, not the other way around.  In my experience, when women have asked me out (which is rare) 100% of the time it was because they liked me romantically.  Maybe I'm just lucky in that regard.

Not a big deal, he either likes her enough to give it a shot or not.  If he was thinking about asking her out again I would say hell no, but that's not the case here.

Projection.  I do it too, we all do.  But again the reality is we have no idea what this girl is thinking or feeling, she is a completely separate person from myself and my experiences and the women who have liked you and asked you out and your experiences.

I agree it's not that huge a deal and he should give it a shot, play it out, I posted that.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, sliticy said:

We did not talk pretty much for a week and then she asked me out, out of nowhere, pretty sure she was nervous as she took that long to ask. She was also acting nervous and awkward on the dates. Why would she keep seeing me if I am making her nervous or uncomfortable?

Is she on social media? What is her FB and IG looking like? She looks like the quiet type or she posts wild party pictures? 

Edited March 19, 2021 by Gaeta

[Dis]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am surprised no one else mentioned this, but this^ was just flat out RUDE, regardless whether she felt an attraction or not.  Automatic dealbreaker mate, NEXT.

Unless you have kids, put the damn phone away when on a date, PLEASE!  Huge pet peeve of mine, even with friends.  A man pulls out the phone and starts texting while on a date with me or spends time answering a text (unless from his kids), no thank you!

Okay, now that that little rant is over, lol, sexual chemistry between two people is typically mutual in my experience, it goes beyond mere physical appearance/looks, it's an energy between you, a certain vibe with that person.

Clearly that is NOT happening here, and don't care how much you have in common or how well you get along, that is not sexual chemistry.

I don't agree with whomever said that because she asked you out again, she likes you (in a romantic sense).  That is a huge assumption, many women enjoy dating for fun, kicks, a few laughs, a nice dinner, something to do and have zero interest in the guy.  And will initiate it as well, in fact IMO if she had really liked you (in a sexual, romantic sense which is what you want), she would have been nervous to take the initiative and ask you out.

I'd toss this one back, she's not shy or whatever other excuses your conjuring up, she feels no energy/chemistry with you, she's not sexually attracted, and she's rude to boot!

Raise your standards mate.  NEXT.

The phone issue is rude af

 

Surprised I missed that

 

I went out on a date with a guy once and he had his phone out almost the whole time but he was showing me pictures on his phone (like I cared) and for me it came across as disrespectful and arrogant .. Like, dude I could give af less about your uncle's brick oven pizzas...wtf?!

 

Never went out with him again

 

No phones out on dates! Dealbreaker

Edited March 19, 2021 by Dis

[sliticy]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Is she on social media? What is her FB and IG looking like? She looks like the quiet type or she posts wild party pictures? 

That's the thing! On IG she looks like an extrovert that definitely should not be nervous on dates.

[Gaeta]

40 minutes ago, sliticy said:

That's the thing! On IG she looks like an extrovert that definitely should not be nervous on dates.

Ya, but then again IG and FB is what we want to appear and maybe not what we really are. 

When is the date? 

 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, sliticy said:

That's the thing! On IG she looks like an extrovert that definitely should not be nervous on dates.

She also asked you out, which suggests she's confident and definitely not shy.

Shy women don't typically ask men out, so we can rule that out as an excuse for her chilliness re any type of physical affection.

There is a term tossed around a lot on this forum - orbiter. Are you familiar?

If not, Google it as it pertains to women. 

Orbiters are used for any number of reasons, none of which would suggest she has a romantic interest in you

Just my take but play it out, since that's what you're inclined to do anyway.

I could be wrong, and hope I am.

When is the date? 

 

Edited March 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Ya, but then again IG and FB is what we want to appear and maybe not what we really are. 

When is the date? 

Yeah, people can make up an entire different personality and facade on social media, but I don't think that's what's happening here.

[Sun Seeker]

Go on the date, and try to initiate a hug, or arm around the shoulder, anything. You need to find out whether she is just inexperienced and needs more time, or it's just who she is as a person.

This really is not about whether she is interested or not. It's about how compatible you are. This early on, a mismatch over something so basic, is not a good sign.

Sure you could both like each other enough to start a relationship, but somewhere down the line the physical incompatibility will come up and you will end up not being satisfied.

I'm talking from experience. My ex was very anti PDA. We lasted 2 years together, trying and trying as everything else was great, especially when we were in private, but the fundamental difference in how we saw physical touch was a major reason for me ending things in the end.

My current girlfriend is the complete opposite, can't keep her hands off me when we are together. wherever we are, exactly what I always wanted in a girlfriend, as I am the same. Can't wait to marry her.

[salparadise]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

There is a term tossed around a lot on this forum - orbiter. Are you familiar? [...] Orbiters are used for any number of reasons, none of which would suggest she has a romantic interest in you

This doesn't seem like that situation to me. It's usually beta men that sign themselves up for that role, and the woman keeps passively stringing them along for the attention or whatever. But she has not been passive at all. She has initiated twice now by asking him on date-dates, not hangouts, etc. She apparently likes him. She touches his arm as they're talking, but then she acts like she averse to even a simple hug at the end. It just doesn't fit. She has walls a mile high even though she obviously desires something more. In other words, serious intimacy issues. Who's averse to a simple hug? 

I think OP should perhaps give this one more try (since he's inclined) and if he gets the same brush off again, next. If that's what it is, it's not going to change. And if OP wants a successful dating relationship he needs to find someone who can give and receive affection. 

 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, salparadise said:

This doesn't seem like that situation to me. It's usually beta men that sign themselves up for that role, and the woman keeps passively stringing them along for the attention or whatever. But she has not been passive at all. She has initiated twice now by asking him on date-dates, not hangouts, etc. She apparently likes him. She touches his arm as they're talking, but then she acts like she averse to even a simple hug at the end. It just doesn't fit. She has walls a mile high even though she obviously desires something more. In other words, serious intimacy issues. Who's averse to a simple hug? 

I think OP should perhaps give this one more try (since he's inclined) and if he gets the same brush off again, next. If that's what it is, it's not going to change. And if OP wants a successful dating relationship he needs to find someone who can give and receive affection. 

Ok, thnx Sal, fair points!  I'm not one to "orbit" men for attention seeking so always been a bit confused what it means.

Like I said, I could be wrong, it's literally impossible to know for sure, so OP again play it out.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and let us know what happens!

 

[sliticy]

6 hours ago, salparadise said:

This doesn't seem like that situation to me. It's usually beta men that sign themselves up for that role, and the woman keeps passively stringing them along for the attention or whatever. But she has not been passive at all. She has initiated twice now by asking him on date-dates, not hangouts, etc. She apparently likes him. She touches his arm as they're talking, but then she acts like she averse to even a simple hug at the end. It just doesn't fit. She has walls a mile high even though she obviously desires something more. In other words, serious intimacy issues. Who's averse to a simple hug? 

I think OP should perhaps give this one more try (since he's inclined) and if he gets the same brush off again, next. If that's what it is, it's not going to change. And if OP wants a successful dating relationship he needs to find someone who can give and receive affection. 

 

The thing is the first time around it was not stated that it was a date. On the second one which I initiated i asked her and used the word date, on the third I asked if she wanted to do something with me, which in this case was bowling. And now when she asked me again, she asked if i want to hangout with her, so I really have no idea. I mean she should know what I am looking for when I stated that the second one was a date, shouldn't be necessary to call them all dates.

[SaraSays]

51 minutes ago, sliticy said:

The thing is the first time around it was not stated that it was a date. On the second one which I initiated i asked her and used the word date, on the third I asked if she wanted to do something with me, which in this case was bowling. And now when she asked me again, she asked if i want to hangout with her, so I really have no idea. I mean she should know what I am looking for when I stated that the second one was a date, shouldn't be necessary to call them all dates.

You risk analysis paralysis at this point, mindful it's such early days, very little has happened, and there's really nothing right or wrong in choosing to carry-on, or stop, right now. I think you just need to commit to putting your best foot forward, however you define that. Do you have a busy life otherwise? Do you play a teamsport? Learning any languages? Part of any voluntary organisations? I think the busier you can make the rest of your life, the fuller your soul will feel, and you'll likely have less time to obsess over this 1 thing (which could grow into something marvellous and life-changing, but remains minuscule at this stage), I think.

• Decide there's not enough good stuff for you to want to continue, let her know that it's over, and focus your time and energy on other things that aren't specifically about romantic relationships
• Decide it's worth continuing, commit to that with a positive attitude and hope, and go into the next meeting expecting the best (which just means a deepening connection that feels good for both)

Edited March 20, 2021 by SaraSays

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, sliticy said:

The thing is the first time around it was not stated that it was a date. On the second one which I initiated i asked her and used the word date, on the third I asked if she wanted to do something with me, which in this case was bowling. And now when she asked me again, she asked if i want to hangout with her, so I really have no idea. I mean she should know what I am looking for when I stated that the second one was a date, shouldn't be necessary to call them all dates.

Her asking you to "hang out" = friends.

For your part, asking her 'to do something with you' (bowling) also sounds friendshippy.

You need to change the vibe if you want something to happen, otherwise you're heading straight for the friendzone if not there already. 

Edited March 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[sliticy]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Her asking you to "hang out" = friends.

For your part, asking her "to do something" (bowling) also sounds friendshippy.

You need to change the vibe if you want something to happen, otherwise you're heading straight for the friendzone if not there already. 

Okay, so you are telling me that whenever a girl asks a guy to "hangout" its a friendly thing.Heard differently from friends but yeah. Asking and using the word date puts a lot more pressure on the situation, where hanging out could be more chill, but then again you have a point. But I think i'll follow what some other people adviced and just take it chill, and just be me and not pushy for physical escalation. If it does not come naturally and i see that she is clearly looking for a friend then i'll bail. But just referring to what you said, when you asked out people or they asked you out, how did you know it was a date? did they/you state that it was a date through text or did they/you do stuff during the date to make sure the other person knew their/your intentions?

[poppyfields]

I'd like to take you to dinner, I know a great little Italian place, you free Saturday night? 

Not "hey, you wanna do something"?  Bowling perhaps?  Ugh.

How much experience do you have dating and attracting women?  You need to up your game!

My guess is she's as confused as you about what this is.

Edited March 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[SaraSays]

Worth noting that the world outside of America largely doesn't use "date", nor have rituals about exclusivity talks, and so on, and things work just fine. Of course, there are also rituals in other countries that exist just in those countries, too.

Just be sincere in what you do -  in life, in whatever context, that's all you have control over. Decide to do something, and try your best to approach it with optimism and contentment. I've never had anyone ask me on a "date", and things have been ok regardless. When I have later learnt that someone liked me, having not known it at the time, it isn't because the word "date" was missing. 

Have you given her compliments (non-physical) when you've met? Have you done anything other than go walking thus far?

[poppyfields]

I'm in America, and the word "date" is rarely used.  In fact, I cannot even remember when a man asked me out and referred to it as a date.

OP simply ask her out and plan something with a romantic vibe, create the scene, the opportunity for something to happen.  

She needs to know you're attracted to her, asking her to "do something" doesn't cut it.

I actually enjoy bowling, go someplace where there is a bar as well, again create the vibe, the opportunity.

Somehow you need to escalate, a simple kiss!

That's not too much considering it's the 4th date, I mean that's the least you should expect assuming she is actually attracted to you.

Edited March 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[sliticy]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I'd like to take you to dinner, I know a great little Italian place, you free Saturday night? 

Not "hey, you wanna do something"?  Bowling perhaps?  Ugh.

How much experience do you have dating and attracting women?  You need to up your game!

My guess is she's as confused as you about what this is.

Well if she is so confused like it seems. How do you think I should get to know what she wants? I tried being physical and that clearly did not work. And to answer your question I do not have a lot of experience dating.