SaraSays Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 3 minutes ago, notbroken said: who wants to be with someone that can't be affectionate We don't have any evidence to suggest she can't. We can summise she doesn't yet want to, but anything beyond that is reaching. They are strangers, and it's very early days.
lurker74 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 You could always try communicating. "Hey Betty...I had a really good time the other night. But I just wanted to check...you seem to like me but it also seemed pretty clear that you didn't want me hugging you, let alone a goodnight kiss. If it's a body odor thing, I promise to get better deodorant, but otherwise, let me know if there's some boundary I should know about." Personally, I ended any positive first date I was on with a kiss to confirm what I felt during the date...that we liked each other and had a connection. When I was rejected, which happened at times, I knew we were on different pages. Sometimes those were different pages of the same book, which allowed us to communicate where we were and where we were headed. Sometimes, though, it was a different book. There is no way I would go out a 4th time with someone I hadn't kissed, let alone hugged (and I do think kissing is more intimate than hugging) without a good understanding of why. And even then, I'd probably bail.
Happy Lemming Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 For me, I'm usually sleeping with the woman by the 3rd or 4th date -- sometimes sooner. I do have a 6-8 week rule that I "throw in the towel" if we haven't had sex in that time frame. In 40+ years of dating, I've only had to "throw in the towel" once. I do remember trying to kiss this one woman "good night" after our second date and she turned away, so I didn't ask her out again. I figured she wasn't that into me, so I moved on to the next one. I have to agree with other posters that Covid-19 is not a factor in this situation.
primer Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 She might want to be certain you aren't only after sex. I gain respect for a man that isn't trying to be physical right away, someone that wants to get to know me first. Hugging is okay. 3
Gaeta Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 After the date and you're saying your good byes why not just ask her if you can give her a hug? She'll probably say no but she'd say why it's a no. When I was dating men would ask me at the end of the night if they could hug me good night, I thought it was very gentleman. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 (edited) Yes, I am a woman but just speaking from my perspective if a man curbed a hug from me with no explanation on a date I would be completely turned off. Edited March 12, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Wiseman2 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: After the date and you're saying your good byes why not just ask her if you can give her a hug? She'll probably say no but she'd say why it's a no. Agree, a hug is pretty benign.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 It sounds like she might be religious or a virgin or not have much experience. Do you think any of that is true? I would bring it up directly on the next date. Again, ask her if anything's wrong, and if she says no, point out what you've noticed, as politely as possible. 1
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 Listen, not everyone is forward with showing affection on a second or third date. Whatever her reasons are, like maybe she doesn't want it to move to the bedroom too fast and wants to be sure, just relax and get to know her. She keeps saying yes because she does like you, but she goes at a different pace. Be kind, be patient, enjoy her company and see where it takes you. 1
Dis Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 13 hours ago, sliticy said: I feel like we are the same in terms of interests and goals etc, she is also fun to be around. Except for the fact that she doesnt want to touch. I guess im just hopeful she will change it up, but yeah i might be wasting my time or getting played.. I get it I think sometimes we have this mentality where we fixate on the positives of the person and subsequently ignore incompatibilities which kind of outweigh the good things. Maybe we do that because we feel we won't find someone better Try not to do that. A wise person told me, don't date with a scarcity mentality, date like you have plenty of options 2
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 10 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I don't know why people think a hug is less than a kiss. With a simple peck, your lips touch briefly for a moment & it can be done with no other body parts contacting. Whereas a hug is all encompassing. The other person is sort of wrapped around you. Especially if she's smaller than you are, a hug can make somebody feel trapped. To me this reads like she's a trauma survivor. If it was Covid she wouldn't be out & about in the 1st place but the pandemic is a consideration. If you do take her out again, make sure part of the date includes an activity where you can hold her hand. I'm thinking a walk or sitting across a table from each other. Take her hand gently & point blank ask "is this OK?" If she says yes, smile & carry on. If she says no, find a quick natural end to the date & be done. Your idea to not contact her again until she contacts you almost guarantees there won't be a next time. This woman does not strike me as the type who has the gumption to initiate. She's a meek, passive follower. It's not even about the hug itself. It's just that she does not show any signs of physical attraction. She does not give any signals that she wants to get close. I tried briefly touching her arm or hand while walking next to eachother and she did not reciprocate at all. I find your suggestion of asking to hold her hand good. I will try it if there will be a next time. Also about not contacting her. She was the one to initiate and ask for the first date. She also initiates conversations sometimes, even though she is not the best at them lol. So I think its a question of whether she actually wants to go out again or not.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 9 hours ago, cleverusername said: Alternative: At the end of the date say it was "awesomesauce" and go for a high five. She may appreciate the reference Will keep that suggestion in mind, thanks 1
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 9 hours ago, SaraSays said: There's important info missing from this "if you don't even want to hug or show any affection whatsoever". The way you've written it, is as-if this is a permanent state over a long period of time. I think that's misleading. At this point in timmme, based on 2 or 3 dates, she doesn't want to. That's all we know for now. She's wise to think this way, in my eyes, mindful of COVID, and mindful of how different our experiences are when we go at a pace we're comfortable with, rather than 1 dictated in books and by people making a living from telling people how to date. Whenever I have gone at the slow pace I am happiest with, I've felt most comfortable with the relationship and man. Anything else isn't for me. I don't like being pushed into physical situations I am not ready for. She is not very mindful of covid if she is going on dates. Dates are for getting to know someone new and potentially you develop attraction towards that person that could lead to something more, also considering she hit me up on a dating app it would just make no sense. I just do not know what she expects from it. I agree that things should happen naturally but it's just hard to know if it will be worth it to continue chasing her if i don't know if she'll change.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 9 hours ago, notbroken said: Go for a kiss on the next date. If she turns her head or otherwise doesn't reciprocate you have your answer. There isn't any '3 date rule'. Forget that. On the other hand, who wants to be with someone that can't be affectionate? I wouldn't give up on her just yet - one more try. I say this because my current long term girlfriend and I went very slow in the beginning (which was quite uncharacteristic for me) and I am glad we didn't give up. From not even hugging in 3 dates to suddenly kissing? she would 100% reject it. She might just be slow.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 9 hours ago, lurker74 said: You could always try communicating. "Hey Betty...I had a really good time the other night. But I just wanted to check...you seem to like me but it also seemed pretty clear that you didn't want me hugging you, let alone a goodnight kiss. If it's a body odor thing, I promise to get better deodorant, but otherwise, let me know if there's some boundary I should know about." Personally, I ended any positive first date I was on with a kiss to confirm what I felt during the date...that we liked each other and had a connection. When I was rejected, which happened at times, I knew we were on different pages. Sometimes those were different pages of the same book, which allowed us to communicate where we were and where we were headed. Sometimes, though, it was a different book. There is no way I would go out a 4th time with someone I hadn't kissed, let alone hugged (and I do think kissing is more intimate than hugging) without a good understanding of why. And even then, I'd probably bail. Yeah that's why im debating whether I should continue or not. She just does not show any signals of being attracted in a physical way. The dates felt like any other hangout with a friend. Except for the fact that it was awkward at times.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 9 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: For me, I'm usually sleeping with the woman by the 3rd or 4th date -- sometimes sooner. I do have a 6-8 week rule that I "throw in the towel" if we haven't had sex in that time frame. In 40+ years of dating, I've only had to "throw in the towel" once. I do remember trying to kiss this one woman "good night" after our second date and she turned away, so I didn't ask her out again. I figured she wasn't that into me, so I moved on to the next one. I have to agree with other posters that Covid-19 is not a factor in this situation. I will give it some more time, maybe she'll ask me out but I am not hopeful. But I'll slowly let go of the thought of her I think. It does not seem like it is going anywhere atm.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 8 hours ago, primer said: She might want to be certain you aren't only after sex. I gain respect for a man that isn't trying to be physical right away, someone that wants to get to know me first. Hugging is okay. Well. I am not trying to invite her over for netflix and chill, neither am I trying to come on too strong by trying to kiss her. It's a simple hug and she even rejects that like in my culture it's completely normal to hug even a stranger. I hugged on every date I ever went on and I went on quite a lot.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: After the date and you're saying your good byes why not just ask her if you can give her a hug? She'll probably say no but she'd say why it's a no. When I was dating men would ask me at the end of the night if they could hug me good night, I thought it was very gentleman. Maybe that's the trick, to ask for her permission. I just never experienced someone being that scared of hugging or holding hands. Also the fact that she went from touching my arm on the first date to no touch at all the next dates is weird.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Yes, I am a woman but just speaking from my perspective if a man curbed a hug from me with no explanation on a date I would be completely turned off. It's completely normal in my country and culture to hug. I hug all my female friends and dates I have had on meetup.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree, a hug is pretty benign. That is why it is so weird. Never had anyone reject a hug before. But theres a first time for everything I guess.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Do you think she is super religious She is not. We talked about religion on the third date and she said she does not believe in any religion.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: It sounds like she might be religious or a virgin or not have much experience. Do you think any of that is true? I would bring it up directly on the next date. Again, ask her if anything's wrong, and if she says no, point out what you've noticed, as politely as possible. I think it might come from a lack of experience. She is young, she is 19 and I am 22.
Miss Spider Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 yeah I would bounce. I mean she either has some really strange hangup with physical contact or she isn’t into you that way .... At the very least I would start looking elsewhere. Are you paying for all these dates
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: Listen, not everyone is forward with showing affection on a second or third date. Whatever her reasons are, like maybe she doesn't want it to move to the bedroom too fast and wants to be sure, just relax and get to know her. She keeps saying yes because she does like you, but she goes at a different pace. Be kind, be patient, enjoy her company and see where it takes you. She keeps saying yes cause she does like me there is no doubt in that. But in what way. Feels more like friends than anything else.
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