sliticy Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) So i started seeing this girl about a month ago. We went on a first date and it went well, there were signs of interest and abit of flirting from her part, she lightly touched my arm whenever i said something funny and seemed to be into me, conversation during the date also went well and i feel like we really clicked, the date consisted of going to a restaurant and taking a walk. However there was no hug at the start or at the end. Second date we took a walk again, and this is where things start to go bad. I was pretty sure she would be open to hugging on the second date so i initiated a hug at the beginning to which she rejected in a lowkey way by turning around and start walking in the direction we were going when i first met her. I thought to myself "its alright" but it kinda killed my mood abit. Conversation didnt go that well either during the walk, i felt like she was nervous for some reason. When we got back from the walk i wanted to say goodbye by hugging her again but she completely rejected it this time by saying she did not want to and she touched my arm instead (it was weird) After the second date i was abit more direct with her, and asked if something was wrong that evening. To which she said (ofc) "what are you referring to? i thought the date was nice" I decided to set up a third date to see if things would change. This time we went bowling. And again at the start she did not want to hug. No physical touch happened throughout the date at all. She seemed to be nervous again and was acting really awkward at times. Nonetheless we had good conversations during the date but thats about it. At the end when i was about to hug her and say goodbye she pulled out her phone, and started texting, which put me in a position where i could not hug her. So yeah no real physical touch by the third date.. What could be the issue here? is she just insecure? or maybe she just sees me as a friend? What do i do next? We still keep in touch a week later but did not plan a 4th date yet. Keep in mind i found her on a dating app, she messaged me first, and asked me out on the first date. She also seemed excited for whenever i asked her for the second and third date. Edited March 11, 2021 by sliticy
dramafreezone Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 Think you're just way ahead of where she is right now. I think she likes you because she keeps going on dates but she may take a bit longer to be ok with physical touch, or maybe it's just with you that she's not quite comfortable yet. If you really like her I would just back off and make her feel comfortable. Worse thing you could do is keep pushing and then show frustration. That will shut her all the way down, because in her mind guys like that end up sexually assaulting women. Just relax and try to have a good time. If she likes you she will warm up. If you don't really like her that much then move on. 1
Mrin Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 Unless this is a Covid thing I would have no desire to take her out again. 3
Brooke02 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 If it IS because of covid you should still not contact her again. If she’s that paranoid then why is she going on dates. 3 1
cleverusername Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 Ask her what her physical boundaries are under the guise of being COVID conscious
dramafreezone Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 If it was COVID I don't think she'd have any problem saying it. OP is just ahead of where she is IMO. Not every woman is comfortable with physical affection even on the third date. Or maybe the OP is saying something to turn her off. Lot of information missing and we're only getting one side of this. 1
Dis Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 4 hours ago, Mrin said: Unless this is a Covid thing I would have no desire to take her out again. I agree. I get that COVID has put a damper on things but it sounds like she's going well out of her way to be aloof and distant...as well as making things awkward for the both of you This would be a no for me... 3
Sun Seeker Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 One thing is clear, you are not a good match. You enjoy physical affection (just like me and a lot of others) and she does not. You will only end up being more and more frustrated in the future if you carry on with her. I agree, time to drop this one. 2
Miss Spider Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 (edited) I agree. Your choice, but I wouldn’t continue if I were you. Doesn’t seem like a match. Edited March 12, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 6 hours ago, Gaeta said: Could she just be cautious because of Covid? she could. But then she could just tell me, and as some other people are saying, why go on dates if you don't even want to hug or show any affection whatsoever. And also keep agreeing to dates and acting interested. I really do not get it..
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 6 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Think you're just way ahead of where she is right now. I think she likes you because she keeps going on dates but she may take a bit longer to be ok with physical touch, or maybe it's just with you that she's not quite comfortable yet. If you really like her I would just back off and make her feel comfortable. Worse thing you could do is keep pushing and then show frustration. That will shut her all the way down, because in her mind guys like that end up sexually assaulting women. Just relax and try to have a good time. If she likes you she will warm up. If you don't really like her that much then move on. Maybe she is just not comfortable with me yet.. I will not keep pushing. I think a good way to move forward is wait for her initiative for a date. If she asks me out again (like she did on the first one) then maybe she is just taking it slow as she is not that comfortable yet like you are saying.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 3 hours ago, dramafreezone said: If it was COVID I don't think she'd have any problem saying it. OP is just ahead of where she is IMO. Not every woman is comfortable with physical affection even on the third date. Or maybe the OP is saying something to turn her off. Lot of information missing and we're only getting one side of this. I just never had that happen before. Like there was atleast always a hug at the end of all the dates i ever had.
Dis Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 (edited) 37 minutes ago, sliticy said: Maybe she is just not comfortable with me yet.. I will not keep pushing. I think a good way to move forward is wait for her initiative for a date. If she asks me out again (like she did on the first one) then maybe she is just taking it slow as she is not that comfortable yet like you are saying. Why not just toss this one back and go for someone who reciprocates affection? Edited March 12, 2021 by Dis
Wiseman2 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 8 hours ago, sliticy said: So yeah no real physical touch by the third date.. Don't go by memes about the third date rule. If you like her go out again and see if you can create a more comfortable situation. Invite her to your place for dinner movies, see how that goes. Don't lurch in for sex just create more of a comfort zone.
Calmandfocused Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 I don’t think this is about covid, considering she’s happy to touch his arm .. I’m a woman but I had a similar experience with a man who I dated for 6 weeks and had multiple dates with. Up until the final showdown (long story) he had kissed me once, citing that he “just wasn’t like that” (physical) until he got to know someone... Op, based on experience I can tell you that this is not worth pursuing. At worst she is just dating you for the sake of it, at best she has some weird intimacy issues. Do you really want to date someone who cannot even hug someone? People like this come across as very emotionally cold to me. They’re very confusing, inconsistent and their avoidance strategies are hurtful to the recipient. Don’t bother asking her out again. Sounds like her behaviour won’t change anytime soon. Find yourself a woman whose comfortable with affection. 2 1
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Dis said: Why not just toss this one back and go for someone who reciprocates affection? I feel like we are the same in terms of interests and goals etc, she is also fun to be around. Except for the fact that she doesnt want to touch. I guess im just hopeful she will change it up, but yeah i might be wasting my time or getting played..
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said: I don’t think this is about covid, considering she’s happy to touch his arm .. I’m a woman but I had a similar experience with a man who I dated for 6 weeks and had multiple dates with. Up until the final showdown (long story) he had kissed me once, citing that he “just wasn’t like that” (physical) until he got to know someone... Op, based on experience I can tell you that this is not worth pursuing. At worst she is just dating you for the sake of it, at best she has some weird intimacy issues. Do you really want to date someone who cannot even hug someone? People like this come across as very emotionally cold to me. They’re very confusing, inconsistent and their avoidance strategies are hurtful to the recipient. Don’t bother asking her out again. Sounds like her behaviour won’t change anytime soon. Find yourself a woman whose comfortable with affection. I completely agree with everything you say. I think its the fact that i like her alot aside from the physical part of things.. I think i will let go of the thought of her, and if she will ask me out then i could give it one last shot and see if it progresses.
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Don't go by memes about the third date rule. If you like her go out again and see if you can create a more comfortable situation. Invite her to your place for dinner movies, see how that goes. Don't lurch in for sex just create more of a comfort zone. I would invite her over but i do not want to be the only one showing interest (setting up dates, physical flirting etc) she also has to show some interest if she wants stuff to progress. I will gradually let go of the thought of her and if she wants to set up a 4th date and continue i will happily give her another chance and see how it goes.
Wiseman2 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 6 minutes ago, sliticy said: if she wants to set up a 4th date and continue i will happily give her another chance and see how it goes. Ok just pass. You are both still talking to and meeting others so she may not want to be physical until she thinks it's "going somewhere".
Author sliticy Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok just pass. You are both still talking to and meeting others so she may not want to be physical until she thinks it's "going somewhere". yes agreed. It might just be because she is unsure of her feelings, basically unsure of how its going. We will see. If she really wants it to continue she will contact me. If not whatever. Just wanted some opinions on this as i have never experienced a woman acting this way around me before.
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, sliticy said: Maybe she is just not comfortable with me yet.. I will not keep pushing. I think a good way to move forward is wait for her initiative for a date. If she asks me out again (like she did on the first one) then maybe she is just taking it slow as she is not that comfortable yet like you are saying. I don't know why people think a hug is less than a kiss. With a simple peck, your lips touch briefly for a moment & it can be done with no other body parts contacting. Whereas a hug is all encompassing. The other person is sort of wrapped around you. Especially if she's smaller than you are, a hug can make somebody feel trapped. To me this reads like she's a trauma survivor. If it was Covid she wouldn't be out & about in the 1st place but the pandemic is a consideration. If you do take her out again, make sure part of the date includes an activity where you can hold her hand. I'm thinking a walk or sitting across a table from each other. Take her hand gently & point blank ask "is this OK?" If she says yes, smile & carry on. If she says no, find a quick natural end to the date & be done. Your idea to not contact her again until she contacts you almost guarantees there won't be a next time. This woman does not strike me as the type who has the gumption to initiate. She's a meek, passive follower. Edited March 12, 2021 by d0nnivain 1
cleverusername Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 (edited) Alternative: At the end of the date say it was "awesomesauce" and go for a high five. She may appreciate the reference Edited March 12, 2021 by cleverusername 2
SaraSays Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 6 hours ago, sliticy said: she could. But then she could just tell me, and as some other people are saying, why go on dates if you don't even want to hug or show any affection whatsoever. And also keep agreeing to dates and acting interested. I really do not get it.. There's important info missing from this "if you don't even want to hug or show any affection whatsoever". The way you've written it, is as-if this is a permanent state over a long period of time. I think that's misleading. At this point in timmme, based on 2 or 3 dates, she doesn't want to. That's all we know for now. She's wise to think this way, in my eyes, mindful of COVID, and mindful of how different our experiences are when we go at a pace we're comfortable with, rather than 1 dictated in books and by people making a living from telling people how to date. Whenever I have gone at the slow pace I am happiest with, I've felt most comfortable with the relationship and man. Anything else isn't for me. I don't like being pushed into physical situations I am not ready for.
notbroken Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 Go for a kiss on the next date. If she turns her head or otherwise doesn't reciprocate you have your answer. There isn't any '3 date rule'. Forget that. On the other hand, who wants to be with someone that can't be affectionate? I wouldn't give up on her just yet - one more try. I say this because my current long term girlfriend and I went very slow in the beginning (which was quite uncharacteristic for me) and I am glad we didn't give up.
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