Missy Love Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 6-months now, and things have been going well. I recently learned though that early in our relationship, a few months in, for whatever reason, he reached out to a couple of women, who he tells me were just friends with, nothing more. The thing that is concerning to me is that they are women who he met on an online dating site, quite sometime before he and I met. These are women who it didn't work out with after a few dates, but went separate ways amicably, and decided they could maintain some kind of friendship. He didn't tell me about him reaching out to them, until I came across the messages, currently. There wasn't anything substantial to the messages - just a few texts, such as "hey, how have you been?" And, also a message where he said he's been doing well and has started to see someone quite seriously. I guess the thing that worries me is that he reached out to them in general, I don't see what the point was, given we had been together then. And also that he didn't tell me that he reached out to them. There hasn't been any contact since, and this was a few months back. I've been hurt before, and so I am treading quite cautiously here. Any thoughts?
d0nnivain Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 No I would not consider that cheating or even problematic. Those types of messages would be non-events in my world. They were friendly not flirtatious & probably born of a). Covid boredom & isolation and b). him not being sure early on where things were going with you. The fact that he informed them that he is now serious about you, speaks to his desire for friendship but not romance with him. The fact that the contact ended months ago, especially in the context of your relatively new relationship, tells me you have nothing to worry about. That's all ME. It's not you. If you have been hurt by this behavior, talk to him about where you think the boundaries are & what YOU find acceptable vs. intolerable. Based on those parameters see how he behaves in the future.
Wiseman2 Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 It seems rather innocuous. If you're happy otherwise why jump all over this, particularly since he's mentioning "he's in a serious relationship"? Maybe you've reached that 6 mo. dating hump, where the novelty and rosy glasses phase is waning and you are searching for red flags? Is this about him or about a past hurt? 1
basil67 Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 Is this the same guy who's friendly towards everyone? If so, it's further evidence that he's a friendly kind of guy.
Miss Spider Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) Unfaithful...no Weird in a way to me that would question if we’re compatible...probably I dated a guy that was super friendly too. It didn’t matter who it was. He’d talk to hobos and invite them to hang out Edited March 11, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Author Missy Love Posted March 12, 2021 Author Posted March 12, 2021 It’s a different guy, but still treading carefully since I’ve realized I don’t like it when the guy I am with is overly friendly to women. I do appreciate kindness to others though. I’ve decided to just let it go. I guess I just didn’t understand the purpose in doing so at all if there were no feelings at all. 1
lana-banana Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 On 3/11/2021 at 2:27 PM, Missy Love said: The thing that is concerning to me is that they are women who he met on an online dating site, quite sometime before he and I met. These are women who it didn't work out with after a few dates, but went separate ways amicably, and decided they could maintain some kind of friendship Not an issue, especially since you've confirmed that there wasn't anything sexual or inappropriate there, and he's openly telling them about you. I actually did this myself with a handful of guys I met on dating sites, when we mutually agreed it wasn't a match; by the time I had fallen really and truly in love, the messaging dropped off. Give this guy the benefit of the doubt.
Miss Peach Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 I would consider giving it a pass this time but it would be worth a discussion about whether it was a non-issue, whether he hid it, what expectations are in opposite sex friends, etc. 1
central Posted March 15, 2021 Posted March 15, 2021 I met a few women through OLD that became good friends (most did not), but we weren't suited for a relationship. My wife also met a couple of guys who became friends. It's really not a problem unless there is inappropriate communication or behavior, or you make it a problem.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 Yes, he should tell you about his women friends, and you can ask for that. No, doesn't sound like he's cheating. But the only way to go is to tell your partner about your friends opposite-sex friends. Hiding these friends just triggers people, as it is triggering you.
Fletch Lives Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 If his lady friends are local and he is not introducing you to them, they are back-burner girls or he's cheating.
Negotaurus Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 I would feel very off if this happened to me. But then again, I've dated too many sh*tty guys. In the past, if they weren't cheating with texts like that, they were looking for some kind of an ego-boost and ended up cheating with somebody else anyway. But that's just my experience. Oh I love being single!
Author Missy Love Posted March 17, 2021 Author Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) We chatted about it. He said there was no meaning behind it, just checking in as a friend only, and there hasn’t been any contact since. The women who he reached out to are in romantic relationships with other people. I think he also seems more comfortable with women than men for some reason. Edited March 17, 2021 by Missy Love
Miss Peach Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 I am someone who has way more male friends then female friends. But I always make sure to be transparent with anyone I'm serious with as I want them to feel comfortable and not like either them or the friend is hidden. I've been in a similar situation and to be honest it really hurt my trust in the guy. The guy did want to work things out with me but every time he reached out to the friend he hid from me it was like pulling off a scab so it couldn't heal. It took a long time for me to trust him and trust had never been an issue for me before. If you want to forgive him this time I would make it really clear about boundaries so you have a better idea whether to stay or go next time.
Author Missy Love Posted March 17, 2021 Author Posted March 17, 2021 That would be hard. Once trust is broken, it’s broken, so I am treading cautiously because I have had some bad prior experiences. I’m not too worried since we had a conversation about it now, but hope it doesn’t continue. I think it feels unnecessary to contact women who don’t know us as a couple.
dramafreezone Posted March 20, 2021 Posted March 20, 2021 (edited) On 3/11/2021 at 11:27 AM, Missy Love said: My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 6-months now, and things have been going well. I recently learned though that early in our relationship, a few months in, for whatever reason, he reached out to a couple of women, who he tells me were just friends with, nothing more. The thing that is concerning to me is that they are women who he met on an online dating site, quite sometime before he and I met. These are women who it didn't work out with after a few dates, but went separate ways amicably, and decided they could maintain some kind of friendship. He didn't tell me about him reaching out to them, until I came across the messages, currently. There wasn't anything substantial to the messages - just a few texts, such as "hey, how have you been?" And, also a message where he said he's been doing well and has started to see someone quite seriously. I guess the thing that worries me is that he reached out to them in general, I don't see what the point was, given we had been together then. And also that he didn't tell me that he reached out to them. There hasn't been any contact since, and this was a few months back. I've been hurt before, and so I am treading quite cautiously here. Any thoughts? How did you "come across" these texts? Were you looking through his phone behind his back? Edited March 20, 2021 by dramafreezone
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2021 Posted March 20, 2021 (edited) On 3/17/2021 at 1:40 PM, Missy Love said: I think it feels unnecessary to contact women who don’t know us as a couple. You're dating only 24 weeks? A lot of women in his life, co-workers neighbors, friends, etc are not going to "know you as a couple". Hopefully you get a handle on the past and a handle on the hurts and insecurities. You're already snooping looking for injustices. Even when you read that he was "seeing someone" Keep in mind, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You're afraid to lose them, but this fear in itself drives them away. Edited March 20, 2021 by Wiseman2
Miss Peach Posted March 22, 2021 Posted March 22, 2021 On 3/16/2021 at 8:31 AM, Fletch Lives said: If his lady friends are local and he is not introducing you to them, they are back-burner girls or he's cheating. This has happened to me too. He actually didn't have a chance with these girls but they were his fantasies.
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