zincmagnesium8 Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 So as a bit of a background, I've generally struggled in the dating world. This is largerly to do with me having a very specific type and most girls are really unattractive to me. Weird, I know. I even had a topic before where I had little interest in a model I had dated! So whenever someone I find attractive comes along, I tend to get overly attached in the initial stages. Not in an over bearing way, but a bit of an expectation that they feel the same way about me. Stupid, I know. So right now I'm chatting to a girl on Tinder (actually moved to Instagram now) and she's very talkative and had replied to all my messages with walls of text. Two days ago I replied to one of her messages, but she hasn't replied yet which was really surprising. I know that I should have no expectation that essentially a stranger has to reply to me or that their world revolves around chatting to potential dates. People are busy, have different things going on in their lives or are just not interested. But it doesn't help but still hurt a little when I'm ignored. I find myself anxiously checking my phone when it vibrates to see if it's her and then disappointed when it's not. I barely know her but the fact that she's not as keen on me as I am her makes me a bit down. Is that normal? Do people generally feel that way when you find someone with real potential or am I just some oddball that gets overly invested too early?
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 Your next step is to ask her to meet. Sure when I started chatting with someone I felt he had potential and suddenly he disappeared I was disappointed, not depressed but a bit disappointed and I solved that by finding someoone else.
Trail Blazer Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 Of course it's normal. But just don't let it consume you or affect your ability to enjoy the path you're on. OLD is about opportunity and if one opportunity passes, there's plenty more just a right-swipe away. I felt bummed when I'd match with some super-hot girls and they'd say a few words and then drop off the planet. However, I knew it was just part of the deal. I stayed the course, had some fun along the way and then landed a gorgeous girl who's perfect for me (albeit on Bumble). All you can do it wait it out and see where it goes. If she is showing low interest and won't return your DMs, it might be time to move on. 2
ShyViolet Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 This is a stranger who you've never met in person. Don't allow yourself to become invested or attached. If they stop replying then just forget them and move on. This is exactly why it's not a good idea to spend too much time corresponding online with a person you haven't met in real life. Schedule a face-to-face date to see if you have chemistry, or stop talking to them. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 I think it's good practice to try to avoid getting attached to anyone online before you've met. Further, it's good practice to avoid getting too attached to anyone before dating them for a while. I learned VERY well in my last relationship that you may think you have a very good read on a person, may even think they're "the one," then you find out 2-3 months in they have a nasty side you never would have imagined upfront. Point is, you don't really know anyone's character after a few dates, or even a few months. It takes TIME to get to know a person, probably at least 6 months to even begin to get a good read on them. 4
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 It's just another way that OLD is demoralizing. You have to have a VERY thick skin & not put any stock in the people you "meet" there until after you have met them in person & scheduled at least a 2nd date. 2
smackie9 Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 You need to stop doing these long chats. I think that will help you slow the infatuation. You only need to message a few times, then ask them out on a date. Talking on the date is more interesting because you get to experience their body language, hear their tone of voice, have eye contact...which works well for someone who depends on emotional attraction. Make note, you are an option in a sea of opportunity. If you don't stand out courageously and with confidence, some other guy is going to capture the lovely lady's attention. No one likes that feeling of rejection/disappointment...so amp up your A game by keeping more positive, but keep your expectations in check. 5
Trail Blazer Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 10 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I think it's good practice to try to avoid getting attached to anyone online before you've met. Further, it's good practice to avoid getting too attached to anyone before dating them for a while. I learned VERY well in my last relationship that you may think you have a very good read on a person, may even think they're "the one," then you find out 2-3 months in they have a nasty side you never would have imagined upfront. Point is, you don't really know anyone's character after a few dates, or even a few months. It takes TIME to get to know a person, probably at least 6 months to even begin to get a good read on them. Whilst I agree with most of what you've said, I think it's prudent to ensure that our frame of mind when dating, especially in the courting stage, is not one of doom and gloom. It's only natural to feel excitement when we have just met someone with whom we potentially see a future. If we allow a negative mindset to seep through, it could completely undermine our objectives. In the case of the OP, he's allowed to feel a little bummed. It's also normal to feel a little disappointed hanging out for that message, only to find that it's only your buddy sending you some stupid video. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 It's not "negative" to be prudent. It's smart and POSITIVE not to get overly invested before it's warranted. It can save one a whole lot of time, effort, energy, money, and potentially heartache. If a person is going to feel disappointed over every seemingly promising online connection that doesn't go anywhere, that person is going to be dealing with a whole lot of disappointment. 2
Trail Blazer Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: It's not "negative" to be prudent. It's smart and POSITIVE not to get overly invested before it's warranted. It can save one a whole lot of time, effort, energy, money, and potentially heartache. If a person is going to feel disappointed over every seemingly promising online connection that doesn't go anywhere, that person is going to be dealing with a whole lot of disappointment. I felt disappointed when certain people I'd matched with seemingly stopped talking, or unmatched me. It's human nature and natural to be disappointed when someone we're attracted to doesn't feel the same way. What I am trying to say is that it's okay to be human and to feel, but it's not healthy to allow these feelings to be anything more than fleeting before we consciously decide to let it go and move forward. My advice to OP is that, yes, it's normal - but it's certainly not healthy to allow those feelings of disappointment to take over and consume your dating efforts. Self-awareness is the most important concept here. 1
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 I don't think OP is talking about being 'invested' I think he means being disappointed after a few messages to be dropped when it seemed to be enjoyed by both parties. It's completely normal. You allow yourself to feel 'damn it sucks' then you turn around and continue your search. OP feel it for a moment then move out of it. When I was online dating I had the toughest skin and still felt disappointed a good contact disappeared but I tend to be more logic than emotional so the disappointment past quickly.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2021 Posted March 10, 2021 28 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: What I am trying to say is that it's okay to be human and to feel, but it's not healthy to allow these feelings to be anything more than fleeting before we consciously decide to let it go and move forward. I agree. 1
Author zincmagnesium8 Posted March 10, 2021 Author Posted March 10, 2021 Oh I'm not attached at all. It was more that the conversation was flowing, both seemed interested and then all of a sudden nothing. It's just disappointing and confusing. If I'm honest, the messages were very long winded, but I was just matching the length she was giving me. Maybe she thought I was talking too much! No point in thinking about it now though. For some reason she wasn't interested in replying and there's not much I can do to change that now. I think someone pointed out the main problem earlier. Talking too much over apps. I really need to force myself to stop after a short chat and arrange a date. It's a bit difficult at the moment with Covid. Also the fact that I always seem to match with someone that lives really far away. I must subconsciously like to inflict hardship on myself!
dramafreezone Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) You're putting all of your eggs in this one basket, so yes when you do that you have no choice but to experience a huge letdown if that interest isn't reciprocated. You need to take it from chatting to an actual in-person date as quickly as possible. Did you set a date? Maybe she just started talking to a new guy who set a date. Edited March 11, 2021 by dramafreezone
Author zincmagnesium8 Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 18 hours ago, dramafreezone said: You're putting all of your eggs in this one basket, so yes when you do that you have no choice but to experience a huge letdown if that interest isn't reciprocated. You need to take it from chatting to an actual in-person date as quickly as possible. Did you set a date? Maybe she just started talking to a new guy who set a date. The problem is that there rarely is more than one basket to put my eggs into! I would set up a date, but she is out of the country at the moment. She may not be back for maybe 3 or 4 weeks. How do you actually go back to messaging someone after they ignored your last messages / questions? Do you just say "oh hey I figure you've been busy and might not have seen my messages, but do you want to go on a date?" or should you just play dumb and pretend she never ignored me?
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 When you come across someone that is out of the country you simply tell them to get back to you when they're back. You don't chichat for 3 weeks. Now you do nothing and you work on your other prospects. I just heard on the news that during covid the dating sites/app registered a 40% raise in successful matches. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 (edited) It’s normal to be disappointed about things if you don’t put things into perspective. Put into perspective. Maybe she is just wasting time on there. Maybe she isn’t taking it seriously as you are. Maybe she is like me and would not talk/chat with for days with no date suggestion at all because that is not what I’m looking for. Then you have to consider that maybe she is not really into the conversation at all. Maybe she is busy talking with someone she’s more interested in?In that case, you guys are not compatible, but that doesn’t make you any less of an awesome person right? Just means you’re not compatible/they’re too sorry to see that. So move along. It’s all about perspective Edited March 11, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
cleverusername Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 Your goal is to secure a date in as few texts as possible. If they are interested they always come back. Move on. If they come back, great. If not don't beat yourself up, they are the ones who lost, not you. You are the prize here.
Sun Seeker Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 11 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said: I would set up a date, but she is out of the country at the moment. She may not be back for maybe 3 or 4 weeks. The one and only time I used Tinder, I matched with a girl in another European country. She had changed her location on the app as she was coming to my city in a couple of months. The conversation got flirty straight away, and after a day or two reached a natural end. From her responses I knew she was DTF. We then did not communicate for about 6 weeks. A week before she was due to come I messaged her and asked if she wanted to meet up when she arrived. We booked a couple of tickets for an artist who we both liked and was performing in a club. We met for the first time, had a good night out, went back to her hotel room, and spent the next few hours getting busy in her bed. Did the same a few more times at her hotel while she was here. There was no constant chats while we could not meet up, and no long essay messages. It was all light, fun and flirty. We both carried on with our lives and reconnected when it was possible to meet and had our fun.
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2021 Posted March 12, 2021 IMO when they say "well I am busy for 3 or 4 weeks", you shove them over to the side and keep looking for a match. Me personally would take that as a lack of interest and not to waste my time. If they are interested enough they will contact you again. I can't imagine being able to find that magical match on a dating app. Love finds you when you least expect it, like when you meet them out for a walk or at your favorite hangout or introduced by a friend. 1
cleverusername Posted March 13, 2021 Posted March 13, 2021 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: IMO when they say "well I am busy for 3 or 4 weeks", you shove them over to the side and keep looking for a match. Me personally would take that as a lack of interest and not to waste my time. If they are interested enough they will contact you again. I can't imagine being able to find that magical match on a dating app. Love finds you when you least expect it, like when you meet them out for a walk or at your favorite hangout or introduced by a friend. This! Don't try and force it, let it happen organically.
Maldives Posted March 13, 2021 Posted March 13, 2021 On 3/10/2021 at 7:54 PM, zincmagnesium8 said: So as a bit of a background, I've generally struggled in the dating world. This is largerly to do with me having a very specific type and most girls are really unattractive to me. Weird, I know. I even had a topic before where I had little interest in a model I had dated! So whenever someone I find attractive comes along, I tend to get overly attached in the initial stages. Not in an over bearing way, but a bit of an expectation that they feel the same way about me. Stupid, I know. So right now I'm chatting to a girl on Tinder (actually moved to Instagram now) and she's very talkative and had replied to all my messages with walls of text. Two days ago I replied to one of her messages, but she hasn't replied yet which was really surprising. I know that I should have no expectation that essentially a stranger has to reply to me or that their world revolves around chatting to potential dates. People are busy, have different things going on in their lives or are just not interested. But it doesn't help but still hurt a little when I'm ignored. I find myself anxiously checking my phone when it vibrates to see if it's her and then disappointed when it's not. I barely know her but the fact that she's not as keen on me as I am her makes me a bit down. Is that normal? Do people generally feel that way when you find someone with real potential or am I just some oddball that gets overly invested too early? Yep it's normal same same here
Author zincmagnesium8 Posted March 14, 2021 Author Posted March 14, 2021 On 3/12/2021 at 10:59 PM, smackie9 said: IMO when they say "well I am busy for 3 or 4 weeks", you shove them over to the side and keep looking for a match. Me personally would take that as a lack of interest and not to waste my time. If they are interested enough they will contact you again. I can't imagine being able to find that magical match on a dating app. Love finds you when you least expect it, like when you meet them out for a walk or at your favorite hangout or introduced by a friend. Unfortunately I don't have any natural outlets to meet potential partners. I'm used to apps anyways. I know many people who have found long-term partners through them. I think I'll wait until I know she's back in the country and then message her. No point dragging out conversation at this moment in time. Normally I would give up on someone if they blank my messages, but I don't think she has even read it because on Instagram it has a "seen" notification. She may have genuinely missed the message, who knows. I also think she's worth giving the benefit of the doubt as we matched a couple of years ago so there must be still something there! Any tips on how you would follow up to a message that went unresponded to without looking desperate?
smackie9 Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 You are kidding right? She missed your message? An interested women doesn't miss a thing when it comes to her chosen affection. Anyways, just say "I see you are back, how about we go out for a drink tomorrow night if you are available." If she gives you some excuse and doesn't provide a different date, then you are out. In the meantime you have 3 to 4 weeks to meet and talk to other women. Never limit yourself to one, because when you do that it's a missed opportunity to meet someone. 1
Highndry Posted March 14, 2021 Posted March 14, 2021 Women who are interested make it completely obvious. They're not going to give you the brush off or not respond to messages. They put themselves in your orbit.
Recommended Posts