naloria Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Hey! So here is my problem. I met a guy on a dating app and we have been chatting and video calling for 4 months now. We live in separate countries so because of COVID19 its hard at the moment to see each other even though we have talked about seeing each other and we both want to. From start he was very clear that he doesn't know or want to do this online thing as he says but still he kept calling me everyday and we talked and texted when possible. A month ago he started to be distant. He kept calling and we still chatted everyday but he was saying that we talk too much and he doesn't want to talk to me this much. He recently started work that is only for couple of weeks but he doesn't like it at all and he said that he is grumpy because of work so for the past 2 weeks we talk but not so often even though he texts me every day just to check up on me. When I asked initially if there is something wrong he became defensive and said that he can't offer me what I want even though I have never pressured him about anything or expected something from him and he knows that. He said that for now he can offer me only chats when he feels right. I try not to overthink it and be cool with it but every time I try to talk about stuff in short texts when he initiates conversations he becomes cold and shuts me down. All I think is just to leave him alone and not reply even when he texts. As at the end of the communication I am the one left like there is a problem with me. I am on the edge and want to stop this but I like him and really want to see him so I am just torn apart from all this from his side this past month.
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Everyone feels a bit isolated and frustrated with trying to date during the pandemic. You've never met, so you need to stop overinvesting and getting overly attached. Anyone can text while on the toilet, so don't place too much value on that. You need to get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local, real-life men. He's probably dating locally, which makes much more sense in this case. 7
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 46 minutes ago, naloria said: All I think is just to leave him alone and not reply even when he texts. As at the end of the communication I am the one left like there is a problem with me. I am on the edge and want to stop this but I like him and really want to see him so I am just torn apart from all this from his side this past month. You need to get a grip on your emotions. You have never met this man. As enjoyable as talking to him may be, you don't know him. There is nothing to get "torn apart" about. His attitude is born of frustration & unrealistic choices. If he didn't want an on line thing he never should have started talking to a woman in a different country, especially not during a lockdown imposed by a pandemic. 4 months ago when you began chatting there was no reasonable basis to believe that you would get to meet any time soon. Now that so much time has passed & you are no closer to meeting he's being snippy. This is going nowhere. It had little chance before when he was nice & into it but now him saying he doesn't want to talk this much & being too busy, it's a clear indication that he has grown bored of waiting & is moving on to more fertile pastures. I would not simply stop replying but I would make it clear that perhaps it's better you two don't communicate until the borders re-open so there is a possibility you could get together to meet. Going forward, reign in your search parameters to a smaller number of miles & somebody on your side of the border. 2
smackie9 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 It's so easy to get hung up on someone online because of the isolation/boredom/loneliness. If he's fading, that just means he's on his way out. Just tear the band-aid off and ditch him. 2
ShyViolet Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Why are you wasting your time with this? This is a pen pal who you've never met, who lives in another country. Now he's saying that he "can't give you want you want" and wants to talk less. This is not a relationship. Obviously you should just stop talking to this guy. I don't understand why you invested yourself in a man who lives in another country in the first place. Why put yourself in the position where you may have to start up a long-distance relationship? It makes no sense. Search for people who live near you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 8 hours ago, naloria said: I am just torn apart from all this from his side this past month. This is your indication that you're over-invested. He's been backing away for a little while now, it seems. The novelty of having someone to chat with and pay attention to him has worn off, especially considering you have no idea when you'd actually be able to meet - let alone try to develop something more. I think it's best if you stop communicating with him. He's lost interest and it's a general waste of your time and emotional energy, 2
amygirl908 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, naloria said: He said that for now he can offer me only chats when he feels right. This is the answer to your question right here. Whether or not there was a romantic interest or even if this was platonic, this person obviously has no interest in prioritizing your whatsoever. He is stringing you along and honestly being low key manipulative by saying that he can't give you what you want - you never asked him and probably haven't gone into great detail about that anyways. He's trying to make you feel a certain way or make himself feel less guilty. He has either lost interest or is so self absorbed... either way not a person you want in your life. Anyone who makes you feel anxious and question how they feel is not someone you want to keep around. That kind of treatment is toxic and unfair to you. Edited March 9, 2021 by amygirl908 1
Author naloria Posted March 15, 2021 Author Posted March 15, 2021 Hey all Thank you all your replies and advice. Just an update: Its hard for me to pull away suddenly so I gave myself a deadline until the end of the month. After the text from him that he cant offer me what I want and that he can talk to me when he feel its right - the next day he called and apologized saying that he is working alot a job that he does not like at all and I know that, and he is in a hermit mood because of all that. When it comes to his communication he is very consistent with his messages and calls - example: he messages everyday to check up on me and calls every 2nd day. I am trying not to read too much in it but still its making me feel like the deadline is a mistake. (I will stop at the end of the month that is for sure) I have stopped messaging first. I never call him he calls me. This past week he kept saying he only works and nothing else even without me asking him. He finishes his work this week and will see if he keeps acting distant or starts acting normal again. When it comes to us being in different countries. When we matched we were in the same country but the next day he left to his home to take care of some things workwise and got stuck in lockdown. Their government will loosen up the restrictions after April 17th but I am not sure if I want to wait that long. Overall I get what he is - just a guy I text with and I understand everything you all said before. But he is also my friend and I like talking to him. So stopping communication is hard for me. I will send an update at the end of the month. Thank you all again! 1
winny Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 Once again people are dismissing an online friendship/relationship as nothing..! That’s ridiculous. We have spent at entire year doing everything online. Can we please stop declaring online interactions as nothing. Having said that, OP - The guy sounds like a jerk to me. I would reduce my interactions with him. He needs to earn his time with you. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 4 hours ago, winny said: Once again people are dismissing an online friendship/relationship as nothing..! That’s ridiculous. We have spent at entire year doing everything online. Can we please stop declaring online interactions as nothing. Everyone needs to keep perspective. Can people become friendly online? Sure. It makes sense in times like these. But some people take it far too seriously and treat it like regular dating. It's not. For all the people who completely dismiss online interactions, there are just as many who get caught up in their emotions and forget that they don't really know the person they're talking to. They begin to get attached which is not healthy when we're talking about two strangers. 5
Negotaurus Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 5 hours ago, winny said: Once again people are dismissing an online friendship/relationship as nothing..! That’s ridiculous. We have spent at entire year doing everything online. Can we please stop declaring online interactions as nothing. Having said that, OP - The guy sounds like a jerk to me. I would reduce my interactions with him. He needs to earn his time with you. Sure it matters, sure it feels good. I've been in a long distance relationship, I have many foreign friends, but the catch-22 is that you do NOT fully know the person until you've met them face to face. Until then, it's nothing but a romanticized idea in one's mind. That should not be validated or encouraged, ever. Key to disappointment. 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 It's all just fantasy land unless you meet in person. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 On 3/15/2021 at 7:29 AM, naloria said: When it comes to us being in different countries. When we matched we were in the same country but the next day he left to his home to take care of some things workwise and got stuck in lockdown. Their government will loosen up the restrictions after April 17th but I am not sure if I want to wait that long. You have waited this long. What's another month at this point? 8 hours ago, winny said: Once again people are dismissing an online friendship/relationship as nothing..! That’s ridiculous. We have spent at entire year doing everything online. Can we please stop declaring online interactions as nothing. Technology is a great way to stay in touch & there are many options. When I was in a bi-coastal relationship in the 90's (NY metro to So Cal) we had snail mail only & 1 phone call on Wednesday nights after 11 pm EST when the rates went down. But we knew each other & dated conventionally before he moved. The plan had been I'd move to So Cal when I finished grad school. However, nothing beats in person communication & you cannot sustain a romance with a device in your hands. You just can't. You need to touch the other person. When that is not possible through distance, various virtual options are an OK substitute for a while but not forever. It's easy to fake who you are on line, especially through text. That is harder to do in person or through a visual medium. There is a bad country song called I'm So Much Cooler on Line. It pokes fun at cat-fishing. My point in disparaging these on line only "relationships" is that it's too easy for one person to get invested while the other person is only playing. I advocate extreme caution. I don't want to see people get hurt by folks who are just doing this to pass the time while they have limited other options.
cleverusername Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You have waited this long. What's another month at this point? Technology is a great way to stay in touch & there are many options. When I was in a bi-coastal relationship in the 90's (NY metro to So Cal) we had snail mail only & 1 phone call on Wednesday nights after 11 pm EST when the rates went down. But we knew each other & dated conventionally before he moved. The plan had been I'd move to So Cal when I finished grad school. However, nothing beats in person communication & you cannot sustain a romance with a device in your hands. You just can't. You need to touch the other person. When that is not possible through distance, various virtual options are an OK substitute for a while but not forever. It's easy to fake who you are on line, especially through text. That is harder to do in person or through a visual medium. There is a bad country song called I'm So Much Cooler on Line. It pokes fun at cat-fishing. My point in disparaging these on line only "relationships" is that it's too easy for one person to get invested while the other person is only playing. I advocate extreme caution. I don't want to see people get hurt by folks who are just doing this to pass the time while they have limited other options. What is your take on zoom or facetime then? No you aren't holding in each others arms but it is a whole lot better than snail mail of the past. Not ideal, but can always be worse.
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 Zoom & Facetime are certainly superior to texts only & even voice. My point has always been that people need to be more cautious when falling for strangers they have not met in real life. If you already know the person these video calls are lifesavers in terms of staying connected but when you haven't met in person people who get attached easily are very vulnerable & need to hold themselves back because the person on the screen is still a relative stranger. I caution against emotionally investing or too much trust before a few in person meetings.
cleverusername Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Zoom & Facetime are certainly superior to texts only & even voice. My point has always been that people need to be more cautious when falling for strangers they have not met in real life. If you already know the person these video calls are lifesavers in terms of staying connected but when you haven't met in person people who get attached easily are very vulnerable & need to hold themselves back because the person on the screen is still a relative stranger. I caution against emotionally investing or too much trust before a few in person meetings. Fair. Today is a far cry of the courting of old though, back when love letters were sent on horseback or ship and you could have no contact with your spouse or love for months. Talk about trust. 1
dramafreezone Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 (edited) Why not just take a break until you're able to meet up in person? The guy said he can't give what you want and to contact him when things are better. How much more honest and virtuous could he be? He could just play with you and lie but he's not doing that. Edited March 16, 2021 by dramafreezone
Author naloria Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 8 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Why not just take a break until you're able to meet up in person? The guy said he can't give what you want and to contact him when things are better. How much more honest and virtuous could he be? He could just play with you and lie but he's not doing that. I am considering this. That is why I want to cool down this communication and been trying for 2 weeks now. But he messages me and calls me all the time. We FaceTime or text during the day. So its hard to cool down if he keeps messaging me. I want to talk to him about it but will wait until the end of this month so I will know for sure what I want. He said that and then the next day apologies saying he is just to tired from work and it has nothing to do with me. I appreciate his honesty really but its time for me to be honest too.
dramafreezone Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 Just because he texts you doesn't mean you have to converse every time. Just tell him that you want to take a break until things are clearer. 2
Author naloria Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 (edited) Maybe I own a back story on our communication. We met on Tinder but then "he slide in my DMs" on instagram and we started talking. We started talking friendly and that lasted for over a month and half until one night we got really drunk and pretty much said we like each other alot. Up until 2 weeks ago we talked everyday not for hours but maybe 30-40min. We had online dates, we watched movies together his family and friends know about me. And we kept planning to meet after the border loosen up. From start he kept saying he is not into this virtual dating but still kept messaging me and calling me. Note: I rarely message first and almost never call. After that drunk night he back down and said the following: I like being alone it has been 2 years since I trusted and opened up to another woman and it scary for me, plus the distance is not helping. I didn't say much just backed off and we didn't speak for 2 days or so. This was last month. After those 2 days when we didn't speak he was still present in the communication but his feelings were on hold. We still talked everyday and everything was normal. 2 weeks ago he started a work project that in day 1 he told me he doesn't like it and its draining him. Our communication is still present but we dont FaceTime everyday just some messages throughout the day. This was the time when I started to get worried and I started this thread. Maybe its just in my head. Maybe I got way to invested. I knew that I could get invested from start but ignored my red flags and now I am the one trying to figure out what is happening. Maybe really its just work. Maybe he met someone locally. Maybe he is not that into me anymore. Whatever it is I just want to end soon as yeah you all are right it just an online thing and without meeting the person in RL it doen't make much sense. Edited March 16, 2021 by naloria
dramafreezone Posted March 16, 2021 Posted March 16, 2021 I think he really liked you but he was honest from the beginning. He said that virtual dating wasn't what he was into. I don't know what's confusing you. I think his communication has been very clear. He likes you but wants to see you in person. If that's not going to happen then this isn't going to last very much longer. 3
Author naloria Posted March 16, 2021 Author Posted March 16, 2021 3 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Why not just take a break until you're able to meet up in person? The guy said he can't give what you want and to contact him when things are better. How much more honest and virtuous could he be? He could just play with you and lie but he's not doing that. I just had a Facetime with him. And I think I am officially in the friend zone. He acts like we are friends and he said at some point he is missing physical touch. When I said he can come to my country he ignored my comment and said he will wait for spring and bar to re-open in his country. So overall I am pretty much done. Chances we will see eachother until June are none so there is no point for me to go on with this.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17, 2021 Posted March 17, 2021 10 hours ago, naloria said: He acts like we are friends and he said at some point he is missing physical touch. When I said he can come to my country he ignored my comment and said he will wait for spring and bar to re-open in his country. So overall I am pretty much done. Yes, I think this is his round-about way of letting you know that he wants to meet women locally, and isn't going to turn down the opportunity if it presents itself. He's also indirectly let you know that he's not that interested in coming to see you. I wouldn't bother communicating with him anymore, either. Time to put this one to rest. 3
kendahke Posted March 19, 2021 Posted March 19, 2021 On 3/9/2021 at 6:59 AM, naloria said: From start he was very clear that he doesn't know or want to do this online thing That was your cue to tell him that you do and that if he doesn't, have a nice life. He's now basically taking your temperature and doing the minimum of maintaining your interest. I'd cut him loose.
Author naloria Posted March 22, 2021 Author Posted March 22, 2021 I think an update is worth to share as this weekend was intense. So I decided that when I talk to him next time I will say that I can't do this anymore and we either see each other in the next 1-2 weeks or I am done. When he called things were ok but my anxiety pushed through and I said I am coming to his country even if there are restrictions as I found a way to enter the country without a problem. He panicked and started saying that this is not the way we wanted for us to see each other that things should be natural without one or the other to be pushed into a complicated situation with traveling and testings and spending a lot of money. When he said that I went crazy and the next 5 min was me screaming and him screaming back at me. I couldn't hear what he was screaming about and same was for him too. At the end I said: I function in black and white and for me is either we see each other now or I am done with this. And as you dont want me to come and I am done with this and finished the conversation. Pretty much cried my eyes out for the next hour and then he called. He said he doesn't want to lose me and he begged me if I can wait until May when his country officially will let its people to travel internationally. He said please think about it and let me know. He looked desperate. So I took my time. Still taking my time. And will see. At this point I want him to call but I will not call or message first as I dont know what to say. Yesterday was intense and overwhelming for both of us. note to self: why did I got caught up in this. I hate COVID19 :D
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