Am I overreacting.

[Versacehottie]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

But, he did apologize and he has offered to tell you more when next you are together.

I wouldn’t pressure him to talk sooner. I would wait and here what he has to say. And then, it’s very reasonable to say again - it was awkward, you felt her hurt by the way he spoke to you... and see how it goes. Nobody is perfect all the time. It’s by moving through these little “conflicts” and learning how our partner deals with stress and communicates that we learn more about our partners... 

totally agree.  I can't tell who is being sensitive (OP or her bf sensitive about his independence and mishandling yesterday).  

OP, IMO doesn't have a "right" to know what was going on with the best friend or be included in the decisions about how her bf utilizes his space/time (unless they had previous plans).  She does have a right to be treated respectfully and nicely like a gf he cares a lot about and it did bother her so IMO she should say something about that part.

100% no need to rush it (which if I were to guess is part of their actual tussle).  IMO, she will get more from him if she lets him come to her about it.

[Loa201]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I guess it's fine that his friend crashes at his place at least in my opinion---as long as you guys don't have plans or it's not too much of an intrusion into even a mellow evening.  It's probably important to him to help his best friend (in crisis); the question is why does he need to be rude or dismissive to you to do that?  If his friend needs this every once in a while, I think it's good to be an understanding girlfriend (not super needy or self-absorbed).  

It would be better if it comes up more regularly and you two already have plans if your bf asks you if it's ok if you let the friend join your evening.  Like you all 3 together can do something (out or at home) and then they can have a beer or two after you've gone to sleep or if you ask another gf to join (they can have a little side chat while you are talking with your gf).  Your bf needs to incorporate you into his life (and you need to be respectful of his autonomy as well) without feeling like you are "banished" or the lesser partner.  I can't tell if you each are being sensitive or one or the other is.  Like perhaps you are PRESUMING you will continue hanging out the rest of the day because you are hanging out when the friend shows up.  Your bf might slightly resent losing his independence when you do that and isn't particularly sensitive to you in order to assert his independence. 

I'd say you should talk to him about it and how it made you feel.  You probably need to come to compromises (as relationships do).

*side note: just because there was a hint of it there, you don't think your bf and his best friend hook up, do you?  I don't think it's that weird that he would offer his best friend a place to say if he had a fight with his wife.  The way you were treated dismissively and the rest of the context is a little off potentially though that's why I ask.  I hope you can rule that out and then I'm pretty sure it's just what it is above.

At the length of time you guys have been together one person may feel like pretty attached to their independence and kind of resentful of the presumption that constantly being together is part of the deal--so you two may just have reached that stage where you are encountering those issues.  I would say if he doesn't react well or acknowledge your feelings about it and try to do better or suggest some solutions (which you should as well), then if he does it again or doesn't react well from the convo, then you should pull back.  It would mean that you aren't on the same page about "togetherness" yet.

I hear you.. 

We both encourage appreciate autonomy and not being in each other's space all the time. I have no issues with him being there for his friends, the only issue have is as you've mentioned how dismissive and rude he went about approaching this whole situation. 

I absolutely do not think that the two of them have hooked up. 

The best thing to do now will be to give it time and eventually speak about what happened when he is eventually ready and see where it goes from there

[Loa201]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

But, he did apologize and he has offered to tell you more when next you are together.

I wouldn’t pressure him to talk sooner. I would wait and here what he has to say. And then, it’s very reasonable to say again - it was awkward, you felt her hurt by the way he spoke to you... and see how it goes. Nobody is perfect all the time. It’s by moving through these little “conflicts” and learning how our partner deals with stress and communicates that we learn more about our partners... 

Thanks Bailey, 

Going to do just that and wait to hear what he has to say. 

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, Loa201 said:

 why don't you stay over and then turned to me and said would you give us some space. 

I think he kicked you out because he didn't want you to know 'something' about him. If a friend of mine needed to crash on my couch I would never kick a boyfriend out. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think he kicked you out because he didn't want you to know 'something' about him. If a friend of mine needed to crash on my couch I would never kick a boyfriend out. 

 

That is my guess, too. 

I don't think he would have been this weirded out - or as he put it, "upset and embarassed" over a buddy's fight with his wife. That makes no sense. 

Edited March 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Loa201]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That is my guess, too. 

I don't think he would have been this weirded out over a buddy's fight with his wife. 

Honestly suspect something like that as well.. But I've done so much mental gymnastics over the past few hours.. 

Will just have to hear him out when he's ready. 

[Gaeta]

@Loa201: Yes hear him out. If something is off you'll get that gut feeling. At the same time I'd tell him I was hurt by his tone. When you see him next?

Him not wanting to summarize the situation over the phone is also unusual. He needs time to come up with a version he'll present you. Why would his friend's marriage difficulties need a face to face conversation with you?

[BaileyB]

I tend to not be so distrustful of people. 

It could just be that it’s a long story, and he would prefer not to tell you until you are together in person. Something else to consider, he may not tell you the entire story, respecting the privacy of his friend. It’s not that he’s withholding, it’s just not your place to know the intimate details of his friends marriage. 

If I was in deep conversation with someone, I would probably be very flustered if we were interrupted. Also, you are considering the situation from your perspective... Perhaps he was dismissive to you because his friend was wanting to discuss personal things and he was concerned for his long time friend, feeling badly that they were interrupted. Not saying it was right to be rude to you, just saying... I can see how it may have happened. 

My partner is the kind to tell me everything - more than I want to know sometimes. I have certainly had experiences when I’ve interrupted him in conversation with others, there is some polite talk but he is waiting for me to leave such that he can continue his conversation. He will then share what he is comfortable to share later. 

I say, resist the urge to jump to conclusions before you talk with him. Hopefully, he will tell you more. You are likely to get more information if you trust him and let him come to you and tell you... You seem like you have a strong sense of intuition and a level head - you will know if you can trust what he says or not. 

Edited March 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It could just be that it’s a long story, and he would prefer not to tell you until you are together in person. My partner hates texting. We would both much rather discuss important things in person. He would have and has done exactly this, texted to say “let’s discuss later...”

Then what would he have to be "upset and embarrassed" about? 

That is the part that doesn't add up for me. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then what would he have to be "upset and embarrassed" about? 

That is the part that doesn't add up for me. 

True. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Loa201 said:

I don't mind the questions at all.. 

They did seem tense, it was awfully quiet save for the random small talk my bf was making before asking me if I would give them space. He seemed antsy as well. 

 

 

Maybe you caught them in middle of using drugs.  We don't know much of a person at 4 months

Edited March 7, 2021 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you are not overreacting to be upset with this encounter. BF asks you to leave, he did that all wrong.

He needed to excuse himself from his friend, go outside for a brief talk with you, explain in detail that friend is in crisis or whatever and he really wants to help friend or whatever. Did BF really use the phrase "space" .. .as in they needed "space"? That's ridiculous if he did that.

So this is one of those encounters that shows a potential weakness with bf. No need to panic, but you do need to have a discussion over this. And you do need to tell him exactly how you felt. Sounds like BF is lacking in some social skills here. So if you guys are to stay together, you will have to work on this kind of issue.

Hell no you're not over-reacting. Look, anytime you feel like dirt or dismissed, you want to assume there is reason. You treat your feelings seriously. Now the constructive way to do that is not to accuse BF of anything, but to explain how you felt: dismissed, a little afraid, a little ignored. Explain your feelings. You can also say you were disappointed in that you ENCOURAGED him to get together with his friend--you're giving him lots of concern that way--and he repays your giving by telling you to leave? 

You have to raise this. Have to. Otherwise, you'll resent him, even if you pretend you don't. Or equally bad, you'll not resent him because you make yourself content with being a pushover. BF owed you a kinder sendoff request--hug, kid, ask you what you would do the rest of the day and so on. And he owed you a repair afterwards. 

Sounds like he blew it both ways. 

You have to discuss this.  You can have some anger in your voice if you want, that's fine. But keep the words to something like, "that felt horrible. It felt like you were just sending me away like a paper boy." Stay away from accusing him of being a jerk. You're calling attention to this behavior. Over time, couples have to work out this kind of issue or else they don't last. 

This is one of those awkward moments you can't pretend didn't happen. As far as I can see, you could be the most secure, independent person in the world--and still you'd be bothered by how BF behaved. So this isn't an issue of your insecurities. 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, Loa201 said:

I don't mind the questions at all.. 

They did seem tense, it was awfully quiet save for the random small talk my bf was making before asking me if I would give them space. He seemed antsy as well. 

 

 

sorry. I just read that you did talk to him and he offered to explain.  I think his choice of words alone to ask for privacy was really odd and wouldn’t be cool with me. “Give us some space” is something for a stranger who you’ve asked politely to back off but won’t...not you. I guess you could call it an incompatibility, but seems very rude 

Edited March 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SaraSays]

How often do you normally see your boyfriend on average?

I am wondering why you came back, and didn't just wish him a nice day with his friend and go about your day, mindful old friends will likely always have loads to catch-up on, and you could go and do something nice, too.

I think it's really lovely that you were so encouraging of them meeting in general.

I don't see anything abnormal here. It's really,  really awkward when you're in a deep, private conversation, and it's interrupted. I've had that happen an handful of times, and no amount of gently encouraging the interrupter to go away has ever helped. They've always felt invited to join the conversation. I've had to be blunter than I'd like at times, and the interrupter always feels a bit afronted by any suggestion that there are matters they aren't entitled to know about. It's a really tricky situation, assuming the other party in the discussion is truly in despair, and in need of time and support.

[Watercolors]

Everyone's given you great advice, OP. The scenario that came to my mind when I read your first post was what happened to Jennifer Aniston. She was married to Brad Pitt, right? He went off to do a movie with Angelina Jolie who he was "friends" with. Aniston and Jolie even met when Aniston wished them both well on the movie set. Low and behold, Jolie and Pitt were already involved romantically, behind Aniston's back. She had to find out from the media that her husband was having an affair because he didn't have the decency to tell her face to face about it first. 

So, just like Pitt, your boyfriend's made some seriously wrong choices to cover up something that's going on between him and this other woman. Look, you can't pussy foot around this anymore due to the tension it's caused already. Either he tells you the truth, or you decide what you are going to do based on what little breadcrumbs he's thrown your way. I don't tolerate games like he's playing, and neither should you. You deserve better. He's a jerk. 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

sorry. I just read that you did talk to him and he offered to explain.  I think his choice of words alone to ask for privacy was really odd and wouldn’t be cool with me. “Give us some space” is something for a stranger who you’ve asked politely to back off but won’t...not you. I guess you could call it an incompatibility, but seems very rude 

100% using the word, "space" like can you give us some space?? !!! Yikes that is cringeworthy from bf to gf!!  Kind of makes it like the OP has intruded or literally is an underling. Like even is a boss or supervisor speaks like that it's a pretty abrasive or heavy word in that context.  maybe the OP just summed up the interaction and used that word to describe it.  I would have the biggest problem that if he talked to me with those exact word in that situation is rude and dismissive.  Op, doesn't WORK for him nor is a stranger.  It's disrespectful.

Hopefully, he has a good explanation of his conduct toward her.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

 your boyfriend's made some seriously wrong choices to cover up something that's going on between him and this other woman.

I'm lost.  What "other woman"?  I think OP's boyfriend's friend is a guy and married to a woman.  As far as I can tell, there's no other woman in the story.

Edited March 7, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Miss Spider]

51 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

100% using the word, "space" like can you give us some space?? !!! Yikes that is cringeworthy from bf to gf!!  Kind of makes it like the OP has intruded or literally is an underling. Like even is a boss or supervisor speaks like that it's a pretty abrasive or heavy word in that context.  maybe the OP just summed up the interaction and used that word to describe it.  I would have the biggest problem that if he talked to me with those exact word in that situation is rude and dismissive.  Op, doesn't WORK for him nor is a stranger.  It's disrespectful.

Hopefully, he has a good explanation of his conduct toward her.

Agree completely and “abrasive” is a great word to use. Maybe there is something missing from the story. Maybe Opie came in and obviously intruded and his friend was in crisis and things were awkward because she could not take the hint that they needed some privacy. And its pattern for her to intrude or something. but EVEN if all that’s the case, the more polite thing to do with a boyfriend or girlfriend would be like “hey babe, I need to talk to so and so alone for a sec if that’s alright” and explain later.  not “can we get some space dayum”  idk words you choose matter, tact matters.  but yes maybe she was just paraphrasing also 

Edited March 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Lotsgoingon]

Several folks have make a brilliant point that the way bf is acting, it's like your he is somehow implicated in the crisis his friend is having with his wife. Or of course, it could be that bf's friend dumped some really messy stuff on him, like something really bad happened in their marriage.

It's possible that bf's friend swore him to secrecy about this embarrassing marriage problem.  In which case, BF needed to tell you that they are talking about something really sensitive that he doesn't feel at liberty to share. But he needed to also tell you something like "my friend is in crisis." 

OP, just a check on something you wrote in your first post. 

Yesterday, best friend called to say that should have coffee, not knowing that I was there too.  I whispered that he shouldn't mention I'm there and just go spend some time with his friend. 

Be really careful about volunteering to have someone ignore you. That's basically what you did. It's one thing if bf got off the phone and told you he really wanted to meet his buddy because the buddy is in a bad jam. Then you can consider the request and establish time estimates for when you guys would meet up etc. Be careful though of volunteering this before even you are even asked.  Volunteering as quickly as you did to take yourself out of the picture could have easily sent the message to bf that you weren't all that interested in hanging out anyway.  I can see how bf would interpret your suggestion that he go meet his friend as you being infinitely flexible. What's striking to me is that you volunteered for bf to abandon time with you while he was still on the phone with the friend. Not only did you not wait for a request. You didn't even wait for him to get off the phone. 

Trust me when I say this kind of over-niceness does NOT work.. 

This kind of over-niceness reminds me of how I would try to be super unselfish--beyond any reasonable expectation--with friends and relationships. When I later talked to exes and even friends about doing what I did (what you did), to a person they all said they took my super nice suggestion as an indication that I didn't really care at all about meeting up. I thought I was being super nice and flexible and that that would win brownie points. But the offer is so wildly generous and self-effacing (removing yourself from the equation) that almost everyone I did this to told me they assumed I had my own agenda of not wanting to hang out. 

And now you're hesitating about calling him on the carpet. So you were wildly nice to bf. He was rude and dismissive to you. And now, you're being ultra nice about confronting him. Time for a gut check. Make sure you are working so damn hard to be "nice." 

 

Edited March 7, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[spiderowl]

Your boyfriend may indeed have been in an awkward conversation with his friend, but the way he treated you was insensitive and wrong.  He could easily have taken you aside and explained (without breaking his friend's confidence) that an awkward situation had arisen.  Would you mind if he saw you tomorrow instead as his friend was in crisis?  I am sure if he had treated you with respect, you would not be feeling this way.

He has apologised but I would not let him off so easily.  I would take a step back and not spend so much time with your boyfriend.  While he could learn a lesson here about how to treat you, it could also be a sign that he is an insensitive character that is likely to hurt you again.  Depends how he has been with you in other ways, I guess.

[usa1ah]

12 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

This is what I would have guessed. It sounds the most plausible. And maybe because his friend is newly married, and it was private subjects where they didn't want to be exposed for "gossiping about his wife", they felt awkward when you reappeared.  Like you know when you can cut tension with a knife or when people are doing something wrong, so it feels tense when another person walks in.  The "wrong" thing could have been the friend telling your bf about his problems with wife (feels like he is betraying his wife a little bit by doing so, to him). 

I think the oddest part about it all is that your bf was slightly rude and dismissive toward you by asking you to leave & give them space.  Surely there is a much better way to handle this graciously and lovingly and less "distantly".   That's the way a person would speak to an employee or underling.

He could have been taken back by what was going on. He has realized that he was rude and has apologized. A lot of guys get this way when under stress. It is cut and dry what actions need to happen and we ensure it gets completed. Not always in the nicest manner. 

[usa1ah]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think he kicked you out because he didn't want you to know 'something' about him. If a friend of mine needed to crash on my couch I would never kick a boyfriend out. 

 

Or the friend cheated on his wife or was cheated on. The friend not wanting anyone else to know. Why assume anything when the BF is going to talk with OP about it. 

[Loa201]

11 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

No, you are not overreacting to be upset with this encounter. BF asks you to leave, he did that all wrong.

He needed to excuse himself from his friend, go outside for a brief talk with you, explain in detail that friend is in crisis or whatever and he really wants to help friend or whatever. Did BF really use the phrase "space" .. .as in they needed "space"? That's ridiculous if he did that.

So this is one of those encounters that shows a potential weakness with bf. No need to panic, but you do need to have a discussion over this. And you do need to tell him exactly how you felt. Sounds like BF is lacking in some social skills here. So if you guys are to stay together, you will have to work on this kind of issue.

Hell no you're not over-reacting. Look, anytime you feel like dirt or dismissed, you want to assume there is reason. You treat your feelings seriously. Now the constructive way to do that is not to accuse BF of anything, but to explain how you felt: dismissed, a little afraid, a little ignored. Explain your feelings. You can also say you were disappointed in that you ENCOURAGED him to get together with his friend--you're giving him lots of concern that way--and he repays your giving by telling you to leave? 

You have to raise this. Have to. Otherwise, you'll resent him, even if you pretend you don't. Or equally bad, you'll not resent him because you make yourself content with being a pushover. BF owed you a kinder sendoff request--hug, kid, ask you what you would do the rest of the day and so on. And he owed you a repair afterwards. 

Sounds like he blew it both ways. 

You have to discuss this.  You can have some anger in your voice if you want, that's fine. But keep the words to something like, "that felt horrible. It felt like you were just sending me away like a paper boy." Stay away from accusing him of being a jerk. You're calling attention to this behavior. Over time, couples have to work out this kind of issue or else they don't last. 

This is one of those awkward moments you can't pretend didn't happen. As far as I can see, you could be the most secure, independent person in the world--and still you'd be bothered by how BF behaved. So this isn't an issue of your insecurities. 

 

 

@Lotsgoingon

He really did use the phrase space. And yes, as much as I'd like to pretend that this didn't happen I can't, it was too awkward to ignore. 

 

[Loa201]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

Your boyfriend may indeed have been in an awkward conversation with his friend, but the way he treated you was insensitive and wrong.  He could easily have taken you aside and explained (without breaking his friend's confidence) that an awkward situation had arisen.  Would you mind if he saw you tomorrow instead as his friend was in crisis?  I am sure if he had treated you with respect, you would not be feeling this way.

He has apologised but I would not let him off so easily.  I would take a step back and not spend so much time with your boyfriend.  While he could learn a lesson here about how to treat you, it could also be a sign that he is an insensitive character that is likely to hurt you again.  Depends how he has been with you in other ways, I guess.

Definitely going to take a step back from spending time with him. 

I get that he may have been in awkward conversation with his friend but he could have called me to explain that his friend was going through a crisis as he knew I would be back later instead of behaving the way he did, the whole awkwardness could have been avoided.

 

[robaday]

Perhaps the bf was insensitive but if his friend was having a crisis with his wife then I understand the need for space, you dont know his friend and his friend might have really felt very stressed already and awkward with you around. After 4 months, yes your bf should have been more polite but I still consider that early days and long time friends in crisis take priority after that period of time. 

He has apologised and has said he will give you more information and explain it. He cant do anymore than that at this stage. You could call him out on it but he has already apologised and offered to explain what was going on.