Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 (edited) So... I'm dating a guy, really think he is a amazing. I'm 33 and he is 38, it's only been four months. I've been introduced to the most important people to him, one of which is his best friend, who got married about 6 months ago. These two haven't seen each other since Christmas and hardly speak since the marriage happened. Yesterday, best friend called to say that should have coffee, not knowing that I was there too.. I whispered that he shouldn't mention I'm there and just go spend some time with his friend. When they left for their coffee catch up I went to run some errands, upon my return best friend was still there and the atmosphere was really awkward. Bf made some conversation with me and then stood up and said to best friend, why don't you stay over and then turned to me and said would you give us some space. I was a bit perturbed as I kind of felt like I wasn't given a choice to say anything other than sure. It was so awkward after that I left after a few minutes and have not heard from him since. I'm I overreacting by being upset at how this played out? Edited March 7, 2021 by Loa201
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 12 minutes ago, Loa201 said: , why don't you stay over and then turned to me and said would you give us some space. At 16 weeks dating, it's important for both of you to maintain your autonomy, your own friends, interests, etc. It's also important not to wear out your welcome, become possessive or smother anyone. Spend more time with your own friends, family, interests, hobbies, volunteering, working, etc. 3 1
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 They way it played out was awkward but you would have been better served making yourself scarce. I also don't know any newly married people who would have a same sex sleep over without their spouse so the fact that the buddy was staying seems weird to me. Don't make a big deal about this. It's too early but keep your eyes open. 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 2 hours ago, Loa201 said: When they left for their coffee catch up I went to run some errands, upon my return best friend was still there and the atmosphere was really awkward. Bf made some conversation with me and then stood up and said to best friend, why don't you stay over and then turned to me and said would you give us some space. This is very odd. To clarify, is this best friend male or female? 2
FMW Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 2 hours ago, Loa201 said: then turned to me and said would you give us some space. I agree with others, this is odd. 2 hours ago, Loa201 said: upon my return best friend was still there Did you have plans already with your boyfriend or did you just pop back in unannounced? Depending on how much time you're spending together after 4 months, maybe your bf just wanted time alone with his friend and didn't expect you to come back that afternoon/evening. 2
Author Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is very odd. To clarify, is this best friend male or female? The best friend is male
Author Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 Just now, FMW said: I agree with others, this is odd. Did you have plans already with your boyfriend or did you just pop back in unannounced? Depending on how much time you're spending together after 4 months, maybe your bf just wanted time alone with his friend and didn't expect you to come back that afternoon/evening. He knew I was going to be back after the errands, so it's not as though I just showed up unannounced
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Loa201 said: The best friend is male You say the atmosphere was awkward when you arrived. Do you get the impression he didn't want you to meet this person, or? Were normal introductions made? Edited March 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly
Author Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: You say the atmosphere was awkward when you arrived. Do you get the impression he didn't want you to meet this person, or? Were normal introductions made? By awkward I meant that that it felt as though I'd walked in at the wrong time. I had met this person before once prior this.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 1 minute ago, Loa201 said: By awkward I meant that that it felt as though I'd walked in at the wrong time. I had met this person before once prior this. What gave you that impression? Did they seem tense? Stop talking when you walked in? I realize I have a lot of questions; just trying to piece together the context. 1
Author Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: What gave you that impression? Did they seem tense? Stop talking when you walked in? I realize I have a lot of questions; just trying to piece together the context. I don't mind the questions at all.. They did seem tense, it was awfully quiet save for the random small talk my bf was making before asking me if I would give them space. He seemed antsy as well.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, Loa201 said: They did seem tense, it was awfully quiet save for the random small talk my bf was making before asking me if I would give them space. He seemed antsy as well. Maybe they'd had an argument or something. It isn't necessarily related directly to you, though I do agree the way he handled it was strange. Why don't you just ask him directly what was up? 1
FMW Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 3 minutes ago, Loa201 said: it felt as though I'd walked in at the wrong time Maybe they were in the middle of a deep conversation about something involving some kind of conflict between them. That might explain your bf being blunt and tactless with the way he asked for privacy. What do you think it was? Ask him about it later, tell him you felt awkward about the situation and see what he says. Wait for him to contact you.
Author Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: Maybe they'd had an argument or something. It isn't necessarily related directly to you, though I do agree the way he handled it was strange. Why don't you just ask him directly what was up? I did message him yesterday after I left and he only responded an hour ago.. He claims he was upset and embarrassed but doesn't say about what.. He says that his best friend needed a place to crash because he had a fight with his wife 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, Loa201 said: He claims he was upset and embarrassed but doesn't say about what.. He says that his best friend needed a place to crash because he had a fight with his wife I would ask exactly that. The whole situation is indeed very odd.
Author Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, FMW said: Maybe they were in the middle of a deep conversation about something involving some kind of conflict between them. That might explain your bf being blunt and tactless with the way he asked for privacy. What do you think it was? Ask him about it later, tell him you felt awkward about the situation and see what he says. Wait for him to contact you. I don't know what it could have been.. He texted back now to say that he is really sorry for for how inappropriately he behaved yesterday but will talk to me about it in person. 1
Author Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: I would ask exactly that. The whole situation is indeed very odd. I have asked.. But he won't say.. Just says I'll tell you all about it, I assume in person.
FMW Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 It's good he apologized, he realized he didn't handle it well with you. Let him tell you when he's ready. 2 1
Author Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 I guess so... Won't pry and think I'll stay away for a bit.
BaileyB Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 1 hour ago, Loa201 said: He texted back now to say that he is really sorry for for how inappropriately he behaved yesterday but will talk to me about it in person. This is good. I would wait and see what he says when you are together again. 2
Fletch Lives Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 He wants to spend some time with his friend. Stop getting upset that you are not the center of the universe. 2
Versacehottie Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 1 hour ago, Loa201 said: I did message him yesterday after I left and he only responded an hour ago.. He claims he was upset and embarrassed but doesn't say about what.. He says that his best friend needed a place to crash because he had a fight with his wife This is what I would have guessed. It sounds the most plausible. And maybe because his friend is newly married, and it was private subjects where they didn't want to be exposed for "gossiping about his wife", they felt awkward when you reappeared. Like you know when you can cut tension with a knife or when people are doing something wrong, so it feels tense when another person walks in. The "wrong" thing could have been the friend telling your bf about his problems with wife (feels like he is betraying his wife a little bit by doing so, to him). I think the oddest part about it all is that your bf was slightly rude and dismissive toward you by asking you to leave & give them space. Surely there is a much better way to handle this graciously and lovingly and less "distantly". That's the way a person would speak to an employee or underling. 1
Author Loa201 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Surely there is a much better way to handle this graciously and lovingly and less "distantly". That's the way a person would speak to an employee or underling. I think that's what I'm most cut up about.. He could have gone about the whole thing and handled it better. Its not the first time this friend has crashed at his place since being married.. Which begs the question that if it happens again, will the same behavior ensue? 2
BaileyB Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 16 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: I think the oddest part about it all is that your bf was slightly rude and dismissive toward you by asking you to leave & give them space. Surely there is a much better way to handle this graciously and lovingly and less "distantly". But, he did apologize and he has offered to tell you more when next you are together. I wouldn’t pressure him to talk sooner. I would wait and here what he has to say. And then, it’s very reasonable to say again - it was awkward, you felt her hurt by the way he spoke to you... and see how it goes. Nobody is perfect all the time. It’s by moving through these little “conflicts” and learning how our partner deals with stress and communicates that we learn more about our partners... 2
Versacehottie Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 I guess it's fine that his friend crashes at his place at least in my opinion---as long as you guys don't have plans or it's not too much of an intrusion into even a mellow evening. It's probably important to him to help his best friend (in crisis); the question is why does he need to be rude or dismissive to you to do that? If his friend needs this every once in a while, I think it's good to be an understanding girlfriend (not super needy or self-absorbed). It would be better if it comes up more regularly and you two already have plans if your bf asks you if it's ok if you let the friend join your evening. Like you all 3 together can do something (out or at home) and then they can have a beer or two after you've gone to sleep or if you ask another gf to join (they can have a little side chat while you are talking with your gf). Your bf needs to incorporate you into his life (and you need to be respectful of his autonomy as well) without feeling like you are "banished" or the lesser partner. I can't tell if you each are being sensitive or one or the other is. Like perhaps you are PRESUMING you will continue hanging out the rest of the day because you are hanging out when the friend shows up. Your bf might slightly resent losing his independence when you do that and isn't particularly sensitive to you in order to assert his independence. I'd say you should talk to him about it and how it made you feel. You probably need to come to compromises (as relationships do). *side note: just because there was a hint of it there, you don't think your bf and his best friend hook up, do you? I don't think it's that weird that he would offer his best friend a place to say if he had a fight with his wife. The way you were treated dismissively and the rest of the context is a little off potentially though that's why I ask. I hope you can rule that out and then I'm pretty sure it's just what it is above. At the length of time you guys have been together one person may feel like pretty attached to their independence and kind of resentful of the presumption that constantly being together is part of the deal--so you two may just have reached that stage where you are encountering those issues. I would say if he doesn't react well or acknowledge your feelings about it and try to do better or suggest some solutions (which you should as well), then if he does it again or doesn't react well from the convo, then you should pull back. It would mean that you aren't on the same page about "togetherness" yet. 2
Recommended Posts