Jet8419 Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 Been seeing this guy since November 2020 but we were friends to begin with. Initially, we saw each other weekly, but December came and he had to work overtime frequently. He’s had to cancel 2 dates last minute due to work and asked to reschedule to January. So I didn’t see him whole of December. Saw him twice in January this year when his work settled a bit, but he’s had to cancel next few dates again when his work ramped up, so I haven’t seen him since. In between we’re still texting every week. I asked him last week if he’s got time for a simple dinner at home on the weekend, he said not for another few weeks but definitely once things settle (which I have no clue when). He’s always very affectionate when we meet, and he’s introduced me to his best friend, yet I feel like I’m not any of his priorities. I totally understand the nature of his work, but I’m always the one getting cancelled on while he keeps to his weekly boys’ day out routine without fail. Should I just walk away from him or trust he’ll come round when his work settles?
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 1 hour ago, Jet8419 said: I feel like I’m not any of his priorities. he keeps to his weekly boys’ day out routine without fail. Sorry this is happening. He doesn't seem that interested. If you wish to date someone on a more serious, predictable and consistent basis, you'll have to let him go and move forward. Unfortunately it seems like busy, busy, work, work, etc. is an excuse to stay distant. Are you both talking to and meeting others? 3 1
Author Jet8419 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 Not sure if he’s meeting other girls if he’s really that busy. I haven’t got much time to meet other guys too. To be honest, it’s been hard trying to fix a day a week to meet him - our work days were very different, I worked Mon to Fri, while his shifts kept changing and for a while he worked Sun to Thurs. Saturday was his boys’ day out. We then tried to meet for Monday dinners since my office was very near his place, which we managed to do twice, then realised it’s too hard since it’s a week night. Now he’s working Mon to Fri till late, while I’m working Mon to Sat, but we aren’t meeting on Sundays cos we both need to catch up on rest before Mon. I’d tried working out with him to schedule our dates for Friday nights, but again he’s cancelled them every time we’ve planned it because he’s got something else that crops up. Part of me thinks I should give up rather than continue trying, as one of the cancelled dates was on the eve of a public holiday we had planned for but last minute he said he forgot he was catching up with a mate and staying over, and that to me seems like an excuse. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 Nobody is that busy. Everybody still has to eat or can find an hour to hang out If his scheduled Boys' Night has not been effected by his work & but he can't meet you he simply doesn't care enough to make the effort. He also ditched you for his mate. Sorry but he doesn't prioritize you 5
Versacehottie Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 I think you should pull back and let him make the effort for sure (at the very least). Perhaps break up with him. He is not prioritizing you & this will put you in limbo where you will be the one getting hurt. Just hearing your schedules, my point to you would be you should be a little more flexible----as long as your partner is as well---right now it seems as if you both are a little set in your ways about your schedules, and that realistically it would be hard for anyone to fit into each of your lives, if you aren't willing to bend. As it specifically relates to him, I think you've done your part and IMO, he already "owes" you more in terms of prioritizing him so if HE asks you to get together, yes you should be flexible. I don't think you should go out of your way to ask him to do something and be all bendy. If he couldn't make that dinner, as your bf, he should have said when he can do it and try to come up with something that both of you could work into your schedules when he basically declined getting together with you. Good luck 1
Gaeta Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 6 hours ago, Jet8419 said: while he keeps to his weekly boys’ day out routine without fail. How old is he 19? He is not really interested in you. He keeps contact once a week to keep you on the hook then sees you when it's convenient probably for sex. 1
ShyViolet Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 I wouldn't waste my time with this. He's not interested. When someone is interested, they make the time. They want to see you, not make excuses as to why they can't. Or if his life is TRULY this busy, then he's not ready for a relationship. 2
Miss Spider Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 I wish people would stop falling for the “ I’m busy” excuse. You’re making it too easy 1
Author Jet8419 Posted March 8, 2021 Author Posted March 8, 2021 16 hours ago, Versacehottie said: I think you should pull back and let him make the effort for sure (at the very least). Perhaps break up with him. He is not prioritizing you & this will put you in limbo where you will be the one getting hurt. Just hearing your schedules, my point to you would be you should be a little more flexible----as long as your partner is as well---right now it seems as if you both are a little set in your ways about your schedules, and that realistically it would be hard for anyone to fit into each of your lives, if you aren't willing to bend. As it specifically relates to him, I think you've done your part and IMO, he already "owes" you more in terms of prioritizing him so if HE asks you to get together, yes you should be flexible. I don't think you should go out of your way to ask him to do something and be all bendy. If he couldn't make that dinner, as your bf, he should have said when he can do it and try to come up with something that both of you could work into your schedules when he basically declined getting together with you. Good luck I can’t say he’s my bf because we haven’t had the chance to have the talk yet, although each time we meet, he escalates intimacy but he knows I won’t have sex before marriage. Last time we met in January, he reached under my shirt and shorts when we were cuddling, which got me worried if he’s only after sex. I agree I have done my part in being flexible when trying to work out our schedules, which I am thinking there’s gotta be a limit to how much I should compromise. Also semi-agreeing with the rest here who say if he’s truly interested, he will make time no matter how busy...
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 He's not interested, OP. It sucks but you need to read between the lines here. He doesn't have the courage to come out and say he isn't interested in dating you, so he's hoping you'll take the hint and stop asking. 1
Author Jet8419 Posted March 8, 2021 Author Posted March 8, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: He's not interested, OP. It sucks but you need to read between the lines here. He doesn't have the courage to come out and say he isn't interested in dating you, so he's hoping you'll take the hint and stop asking. I had read between the lines when the first bout of cancellations happened, but each time I left him alone, he’d come back apologetic for being rubbish and arranged another couple of dates, before the pattern repeats. The thing is, his work is really hectic because of some incident that happened which came under scrutiny from the government, so he’s doing a lot of damage control given he’s one of the higher executives. While I am giving him a lot of space to sort out his work, I am also starting to feel doubtful and silly every time the next bout of cancellations happen with his requests to keep rescheduling. Hence, I’m thinking I have to put a stop to it and just walk away until either he gets his act together or I meet someone else.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 52 minutes ago, Jet8419 said: I had read between the lines when the first bout of cancellations happened, but each time I left him alone, he’d come back apologetic for being rubbish and arranged another couple of dates, before the pattern repeats. That's what I mean about reading between the lines: he isn't serious about meeting up with you. You need to stop making plans with him, period. Nobody is as busy as this guy is claiming. He just doesn't have the same interest in dating you as you do with him. He's prioritizing other things and other people, which puts you squarely in Back-Up Option territory. I would cut contact. He's wasting your time. 2
Fletch Lives Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 This guy is married to his job. He may not be that into you. Possibly because you were friends first.
d0nnivain Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 5 hours ago, Jet8419 said: I can’t say he’s my bf because we haven’t had the chance to have the talk yet, although each time we meet, he escalates intimacy but he knows I won’t have sex before marriage. Last time we met in January, he reached under my shirt and shorts when we were cuddling, which got me worried if he’s only after sex. You hit the nail on the head. He wants sex. If you were giving him sex he would not have all these excuses not to see you. That is NO reason to compromise your principles. However if you truly intend not to have sex until you are married keep boys' hands out of your shorts. If they stray there, you physically move them. If they come back, you get up, stop the kissing / cuddling & move to a different piece of furniture with all the lights on. Be done with him. You two are not on the same page with your values. 2
alphamale Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You hit the nail on the head. He wants sex. If you were giving him sex he would not have all these excuses not to see you. That is NO reason to compromise your principles. However if you truly intend not to have sex until you are married keep boys' hands out of your shorts. If they stray there, you physically move them. If they come back, you get up, stop the kissing / cuddling & move to a different piece of furniture with all the lights on. Be done with him. You two are not on the same page with your values. ^^^this 1
Versacehottie Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 I agree with donnavin....you two are not on the same page. I think you're at an impasse with each other. IMO, you should break it off then. I think dealing with it PROACTIVE as in deciding this just is good enough for you will be better (for you) than just hanging in there for the inevitable. Granted no one has a crystal ball, but I would guess that ultimately is where this will be headed (fizzle out, cut off). Sorry & good luck
Fletch Lives Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 Maybe you would have a better chance at finding a guy with your values at church. 2
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 this is why we date....to see how they treat us and what kind of person they are to us. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. This guy blows. I would have ditched him back in December. Don't put up with this and move on. Block/delete so he doesn't hoover you back. 2
lurker74 Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 This should be permanently posted to the top of the LS Dating forum: If someone is truly interested in you, they'll find the time. The sex thing is a different (if related) question. Yes, he's looking for sex. We are all biologically programmed to look for sex. That doesn't mean he isn't willing to wait...it may mean that sometimes he get horny. But it doesn''t really matter because if he wanted to see you, he would. 3
Miss Spider Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) Agree. We need a sticky for the Analects of love shack. “If someone is truly interested in you, they’ll find the time is no. 2, right underneath “ No response IS a response.” Edited March 8, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
Scarlet Ohara Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 On 3/7/2021 at 1:44 AM, Jet8419 said: Been seeing this guy since November 2020 but we were friends to begin with. Initially, we saw each other weekly, but December came and he had to work overtime frequently. He’s had to cancel 2 dates last minute due to work and asked to reschedule to January. So I didn’t see him whole of December. Saw him twice in January this year when his work settled a bit, but he’s had to cancel next few dates again when his work ramped up, so I haven’t seen him since. In between we’re still texting every week. I asked him last week if he’s got time for a simple dinner at home on the weekend, he said not for another few weeks but definitely once things settle (which I have no clue when). He’s always very affectionate when we meet, and he’s introduced me to his best friend, yet I feel like I’m not any of his priorities. I totally understand the nature of his work, but I’m always the one getting cancelled on while he keeps to his weekly boys’ day out routine without fail. Should I just walk away from him or trust he’ll come round when his work settles? I would walk away... 1
Author Jet8419 Posted March 8, 2021 Author Posted March 8, 2021 7 hours ago, d0nnivain said: However if you truly intend not to have sex until you are married keep boys' hands out of your shorts. If they stray there, you physically move them. Yes, when he was touching my butt and started sliding his hands under my shorts, I pulled them out and placed them back over my shorts, which is the furthest I would allow a guy to go before marriage. He’s kept his hands over my clothes since then. But I agree I should drop him, seems like he’s wasting my time, though it would have been easier to just tell me directly he’s not interested, rather than keep wanting to reschedule. I prefer guys be straightforward than me having to read between the lines (I’m not the kinda girl who says I’m ok when I’m not, then expects the guy to guess I’m actually not ok and kick up a fuss later saying he’s not sensitive - too tiring). 1
Miss Spider Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Jet8419 said: But I agree I should drop him, seems like he’s wasting my time, though it would have been easier to just tell me directly he’s not interested, rather than keep wanting to reschedule. I prefer guys be straightforward than me having to read between the lines (I’m not the kinda girl who says I’m ok when I’m not, then expects the guy to guess I’m actually not ok and kick up a fuss later saying he’s not sensitive - too tiring). Sry but my guess is he’s not no interest but very low interest. but if he told you he’s low interest or you’re a backup , he probably assumes you’d have the dignity to move on and not stick around for when he comes back .. So instead he just says he’s too busy that’s the whole point of excuses and why youve got to read between the lines and just drop them sometimes Edited March 8, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Versacehottie Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 I think statistically it will be harder to find your little segment of guys willing to wait until marriage for sex but thinking there are some out there. Where do you live if you don't mind me asking? You don't have to say specifically (lol please don't!). I think he's dropped you as a priority because that is not part of how he sees things happening. I do think you should put most effort into perhaps guys from church, similar religious groups or if there is cultural aspect to your story, same culture. Guessing you are over 21 since you said you are working a lot (sounds like a normal professional job). So yeah that will make it harder to find this person--but even more so that you should move on if they are not prioritizing you. 1
Author Jet8419 Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 12 hours ago, Versacehottie said: I think statistically it will be harder to find your little segment of guys willing to wait until marriage for sex but thinking there are some out there. Where do you live if you don't mind me asking? You don't have to say specifically (lol please don't!). I think he's dropped you as a priority because that is not part of how he sees things happening. I do think you should put most effort into perhaps guys from church, similar religious groups or if there is cultural aspect to your story, same culture. Guessing you are over 21 since you said you are working a lot (sounds like a normal professional job). So yeah that will make it harder to find this person--but even more so that you should move on if they are not prioritizing you. I’m in Australia. This guy is Christian although it doesn’t seem like he’s religious with his actions so far. Culturally, I haven’t had issues with guys from a different ethnic background as it strangely turns out, guys from my own culture (Asian) aren’t attracted to me - I’m too tall for most average Asian guys, and intimidating (according to my Asian guy friends) because I’m too independent to make guys feel macho or needed (doesn’t make any sense to me) while I somehow attract guys from western cultures. I will just leave this guy alone now. If he texts me again, I might just ask him bluntly what exactly is he after. 1
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