ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Yes, at only 2 months, this is way too much. She isn't going to come back. She's trying to make that clear by saying she woudn't contact you even if she regrets it. She knows this isn't the right match for her but doesn't quite have the courage to tell you that directly. Now isn't the time to be friends, either. You need space from her or you wil more than likely keep hanging on to false hope. And in the future, man, slow down. 4 2
NYAG Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Dude, you need to leave her alone, stop contacting her and use this as a lesson in how not to build on an early relationship. If you carry on this is going to look like harassment. Let her go, nothing you do is going to change whatever decision she has made and yet you still have time to make things worse by persisting. 2
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 I am sorry for your pain. It will be hard for the next few days and weeks. It is much better for you to not play friends. Think if she meets another man in 1-2 months and post it all on social media it will re-open your wounds, you don't need to see that. You need to address why you emotionally jump so quickly in relationships, you may not have the best of therapist to address that especially she saw nothing wrong with the level of commitment you were in at only 2 months dating + children involved. I have always been very wary of chemistry and fireworks at first sight. I do not build my hopes on that type of feelings. Sure I will enjoy it for what it is 'a rush of hormones' but I will always wait for it to settle down (because it does) and then I can see clearly who I am dating. 1
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) As hard as it is for you, she made the right decision. She needs to be single for a while, a long while. Edited March 9, 2021 by BaileyB 3
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 UPDATE: This update is an example of why I take the feedback with a grain of salt. Despite continuing criticism, like I am "harassing" her (from NYAG), this just happened. I'm a bit shocked and at a loss as to how to take this. One thing I will say though, I feel a lot of people have been failing to take into consideration she does exhibit some traits of a battered woman, including self-esteem issues (which I feel are a large part of why she is doing what she is doing). With that said... Contrary to the majority saying she is trying to let me down easy but would never take me back later on, she called a mutual friend of ours during her lunch break. Soon as our friend picked up, my ex immediately began crying to her. In short, she told our friend to not tell me what she was about to tell her (but I have known her far longer and she felt this was important for me to know, so she obviously told me). The ex then goes on about our situation, telling her she doesn't know what to do. She says she doesn't want to completely lose me, but she knows she has to fix herself. She was telling her she doesn't want to drag me down with her and that's a part of why she can't be with me. She then says she feels horrible, because with her headaches from the neck issues, I'm coming over there all the time and spending my gas and time coming to her (she oftentimes can't even get out of bed from it). She said she is just crying all the time without me there, but that it's not fair to me with her being in the physical and emotional condition she is in. She is well aware that the boundaries thing is her fault, which is why she said she has been vague to me with her issues. She said she feels horrible, as she knows it isn't my fault, but she still feels like she isn't heard because she can't speak up for herself due to her ex. She said she plans to do counseling again, but she is self-aware enough to know it could take months or years. She said she can't keep me around and have me go through, as it's not fair for me to be hurt because of her prior relationship. There was a lot more, as my friend text me a TON of stuff, and I'm getting this through a third party and mostly copying exactly what my friend wrote here. But, it ultimately ended in her saying she can't picture life without me, but also can't expect me to go through all this stuff with her. She said it's unfair to me, because she needs to focus on herself and she can't give me the attention I deserve in a relationship while fixing herself. Our friend told her she should try to talk to me about it directly, but she said she doesn't want me to know, because there's nothing she can do to try to make this work right now. She said it will only give me false hope (and she is 100% right), because she knows if she keeps trying with me at this time, the issues will keep happening. Since she has no idea how long it will take, she said she didn't want me to wait. She also said that she feels so bad for walking away from me that she doesn't know if she would be able to come back to me once she is better. She said she would be afraid of hurting me again and doesn't ever want to hurt me again. So, it seems like that is the reason she said she wouldn't, NOT the reason a lot of other people were assuming of where she knows she wouldn't. Again, a lot of incorrect assumptions here that were making me feel like this was different than what it was. --------------- Regretfully, I get where she is coming from on all of this. It sucks and breaks my heart, but with all she told me yesterday and all she told my friend, I know this won't work now. But, it does give me at least a little hope that later on down the road, we might be together again. I know I need to move on with my life though and to not expect that to happen. The only thing I am unsure of at this point though is the friends thing. Like I mentioned previously, she did suggest a possible friendship if I was ok with it. Seems like that was her attempt to not completely lose me. If she reaches out again about it, what should I do? With how she feels, I feel horrible completely walking away. But, I don't know if continuing to talk to her could make it less likely we would ever have a chance later. I don't know what to do? I mean obviously, I am NOT ever going to bring up dating with her, and at most, I would be a VERY distant friend, at least for now. This sucks, because I honestly actually wished this wasn't the case. I wished she just walked away, told me it was me, and that was it. This situation has me heart-broken, and now feeling horrible for what she is going through. But, I know even with therapy, it will take at least months, if not years to fix her issues. So, what should I do as far as if she reaches out for friendship? How much distance? Would it be good or bad for our potential future as a couple? I know I would need to be friends with the expectation that her and I would NEVER get back together again, as otherwise, I'd be setting myself up for failure. I mean even though she feels that way now, I know things could change in the months or years to come. This whole thing has made it even harder for me now today.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 What she told your friend is essentially the same thing she already told you. No big revelations there. The bottom line here hasn't changed. She's still saying she does not want a relationship and doesn't want you waiting for her. The rest is noise. 5
dramafreezone Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) You don't think that she knew the mutual friend would tell you what she said? Come on man. She's an adult and ultimately she has to work on her issues by herself. You are not well equipped to help her do anything because you have a strong romantic attachment, which inhibits your objectivity. It's not your job to fix her, and you cannot be her friend, because that's not what you want. You want a romatic relationship. You think a friendship is a way back in, whether you'll admit it or not. If you weren't thinking about a way back in, you would have zero issue being her friend and you wouldn't be talking about it here. Edited March 9, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 On 3/8/2021 at 1:00 AM, Love2Love78 said: She told me with her divorce still ongoing, her herniated discs , her concerns for losing her job , that she isn't ready to be in a relationship yet Agree she has a lot to sift through with the ongoing divorce. They may still be talking at times, upsetting her. She was sincere that she's not ready, willing or able to be in a relationship at this time. Step back and if she contacts you, she contacts you. 2
SaraSays Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 What you could do is focus on being a good dad to your kids, and focus on building boundaries as it pertains to taking care of them, because they've just been unnecessarily tangled up in this mess, and yet your focus is still elsewhere. 4
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Bottom line it is the same thing she already told you. You can put 1000s of words in there but the end result is/should be the same. You are spinning. This feels like a lot of drama and makes me wonder if that is part of the appeal for both of you. Question: how did you really meet? And what was her real marital situation when you met? Something feels a little off with the level of desperation. Sorry, I'm not trying to hurt you, just bring you down to earth. Even your long messages and keeping this at the forefront as if it is an ACTIVE "something" to deal with is like you really are not accepting it. This has anxiety written all over the story. from beginning to end. She also need to stop fueling the drama--and needs more discreet "friends". Seems like you both are fueled by the drama. Was this an affair to begin with? 4
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 There is nothing new in what she told the friend. Of course she is tortured by leaving the relationship but she is self-aware enough to know it needs to be done. It doesn't mean she doesn't care. I can tell you the worse for her is not leaving the relationship, it's to see you hurt, but she still cannot go on. You are hanging on to thin air. As for failing to take into consideration she was once a battered wife, we are a bunch of women here and a % of us have been in her situation.
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 You can't be her friend. That is selling yourself short. Don't even try it. What would friendship look like anyway? You babysitting her kids while she's out with another man & then coming home to you to dish about her date? Get serious. I re-read some of this & just picked up on the fact that you bought this woman a 65 inch TV. That was so over the top. So is pushing to live with somebody you have barely known for 60 days. She knows she's a train wreck right now & she's addressing it. Good for her. She can't do that with you around. As sweet as your intentions may be, they feel like pressure to her, even if you don't mean them that way. Honestly my advice is back off. Do nothing. Not one thing. Just go radio silent. If she reaches out, reply but ask if she's ready to date you. If she says no, go back to silent. Keep in touch with your mutual friend & ask that person to tell you when this woman's divorce is final. At that point, ask the mutual friend if she's dating anybody. About 2+ weeks later you reach out & invite her to meet you somewhere to catch up. Assess her state of mind at that point. Some life lessons / rules to follow for you: 1. Never discuss living together with somebody until you have known them for at least 1 year. 2. Never spend more then a few dollars on the 1st present. No buying people TVs. 3. Wait at least 6 months to introduce kids to new dates & do not let the kids see / know about adult sleep overs. 4. Try to refrain from going all in emotionally for at least 90 days. 5. Avoid dating people who are not yet divorced when you meet them. If you can slow down your emotions you will better be able to build a sustainable relationship. This whirlwind BS is what keeps getting you into emotional trouble. 1
basil67 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 37 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: I'm coming over there all the time and spending my gas and time coming to her Something I touched on earlier but I didn't see your response....and here it is again. You've previously said that you both spend every other night together at each other's houses, and here you say that you're over there all the time. Yet, you only just met her children. The only way this can add up is if the children are rarely with her. If she's not able to have her children with her most of the time, then she's clearly in a very, very bad place and not at all ready for a relationship. Or if they are with her, and you're only visiting her when they are at school, why is she leaving them so often to go and have sleepovers with a guy she just met? Forget about the relationship, the parenting problems here are signalling a much bigger, and frankly, more important red flag. Edited March 9, 2021 by basil67 1 1
amygirl908 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 30 days no contact is definitely in order - no matter what you decide. After a breakup always do 30 days no contact even if you're trying to reconcile or make up NC is the route to go. It forces you and the other person to step back and evaluate your relationship. 99% of the time it helps you accept that things are over and you can move on. Right now thinking about 30 days no contact will feel like the absolute worst thing to do, but I promise it will help 1000% and stop you from doing all of the desperate things you think will help fix the relationship. Based on what I read I don't think that you guys could be friends and probably shouldn't get back together. Friends with an ex is hard and it takes a lot of time and patience. There's also a lot going on and since you're very emotionally attached you will get over invested as a friend. When you become friends with an ex you have to keep your distance emotionally. She needs to do work on herself and find herself again. Her divorce isn't finalized yet... She hasn't even had time to heal from that yet. Right now I know this sucks but take 30 days NC and heal yourself. If after 30 days you still want to reach out then see where she's at but considering the current circumstances, she needs a lot of time to heal and you can't put your life on hold like that. Even if you want to you WILL develop subconscious resentment that will sully the relationship. 3
dramafreezone Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You can't be her friend. That is selling yourself short. Don't even try it. What would friendship look like anyway? You babysitting her kids while she's out with another man & then coming home to you to dish about her date? Get serious. I re-read some of this & just picked up on the fact that you bought this woman a 65 inch TV. That was so over the top. So is pushing to live with somebody you have barely known for 60 days. Also comes across as trying to buy her affection. Approval seeking behavior, as if I'm not enough, but if I give you this, then will you grace me with your presence? Gifts are fine when you have everyhting you want and you're doing it out of a place of true kindess, not seeking anything in return. I think that last thing anyone who's self-esteem is in the dumps wants is to be around someone who's groveling to them, or try to earn their approval. By doing so, essentially you're expressing that she's more important than you. She doesn't think the most of herself right now, so in a broad sense, she thinks even less of you. In a partner, she needs strength, not compliance or approval seeking. How could she count on you to be a rock or a source of stability when you're an emotional wreck yourself? 1
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: How could she count on you to be a rock or a source of stability when you're an emotional wreck yourself? this is soooo valid ^^^^ and my point BEFORE she broke up with you. My advice is the same since she has now broken up with you but that is not the vibe you want to be giving in order to progress the relationship. It seems like you would be another "project" to add to her list. It's super all encompassing. Unquenchable. I'm smothered just writing down the stuff. Sorry. I'm just overwhelmed as a neutral stranger and I don't have the stuff going on that she does. Edited March 9, 2021 by Versacehottie 1 1
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 39 minutes ago, basil67 said: Something I touched on earlier but I didn't see your response....and here it is again. You've previously said that you both spend every other night together at each other's houses, and here you say that you're over there all the time. Yet, you only just met her children. The only way this can add up is if the children are rarely with her. If she's not able to have her children with her most of the time, then she's clearly in a very, very bad place and not at all ready for a relationship. Or if they are with her, why is she leaving them so often to go and have sleepovers with a guy she just met? Forget about the relationship, the parenting problems here are signalling a much bigger, and frankly, more important red flag. I didn't cover this because one, there are a ton of messages to reply to and I have limited time. Two, it is a complete tangent that I know you are seeking to criticize. I didn't feel like dealing with more criticism on top of the pain I'm already dealing with. But, since you seem anxious to do so, here you go... Since her ex is controlling, it should come as no surprise that when she said she wanted a divorce, he took almost everything, including the house they had. So, she ended up moving in with her mom for now. Since they have limited space there, the only evenings the kids were spending the night was Saturday. As such, I was over there (or she was at my place) every other evening. Just this past weekend, they moved things around so that the kids could spend more evenings there. One of the many changes that were going on that I know was causing her stress. So yes, because she is still getting settled into a new routine with the kids, huge red flag. Never should have dated her. I mean unless she has a $100k+ income, her own home, absolutely no baggage, non-smoker, non-drinker, top of her academic class, and perfect body, they're a no-go, right? I feel like some people's expectations on here are completely unreasonable. My life is by no means perfect. I have been through hell and back, and as such, I don't tend to judge people. My criteria isn't materialistic. It is the person. I don't feel it would be right to be like "oh, they have an ex that abused them. I should walk away!" or "they are still working on the parenting plan from a divorce? Nope, I'm out!" I have a long enough list of criteria as it is, and if they seem like a decent person and there's chemistry, I give them a chance. I mean I completely get I jumped the gun on a lot of things prematurely here. And like I have tried to say numerous times, it is NOT something I would typically do. I will try to explain why in more detail in another post, as that topic in and of itself would be lengthy. But yes, I already understand that because of her circumstances, most people feel I shouldn't have dated her. She is extremely intelligent, completely over her ex, and while her life circumstances weren't perfect by any means, she seemed like an amazing woman. She still does. Hence, why despite circumstances, I gave her a chance. That was my mistake to learn from, but I am already well aware of why I should've walked away sooner. Easier said than done though when you genuinely care about a person and they themselves have not given you a reason to leave them. Edited March 9, 2021 by Love2Love78
dramafreezone Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) If you want to distill the main issue here, it's that you came on way too strong and she lost attraction to you. She doesn't want anyone to put her on a pedstal. Her reasons that she gave about her ex and all of her other problems are just rationalizations to cover the fact that she lost attraction to you. If you hadn't come on so strong, you'd still be with her. Edited March 9, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 8 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: I mean unless she has a $100k+ income, her own home, absolutely no baggage, non-smoker, non-drinker, top of her academic class, and perfect body, they're a no-go, right? You don't need to be on the defensive like this. As for your list, find a woman that had time to settle. It's that simple. 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 18 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: "they are still working on the parenting plan from a divorce? Nope, I'm out!" Did she lie about being legally divorced? 1
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) To be very honest, this woman doesn’t know if she is coming or going right now. She is a total mess!! And, I say that with the utmost respect - she should be a mess! She has just left a long term, abusive marriage, she is going through a divorce (and it sounds contentious if he stayed in the house and essentially took primary custody of the children), and she is living with her mother! The last thing this woman needs right now is a boyfriend!! I’m not saying this to be judgmental, but I work do with children who have mental health issues and developmental delay... she has a young child who is a selective mute who was raised in an abusive home and in now currently living with her father and seeing her mother once a week. The chances are high that the child has experienced some trauma and has some attachment issues that may be contributing to the anxiety and mutism that she is experiencing. This woman needs to find a way to share custody and care for her children before she finds herself another relationship. She needs to get her life together - the kindest thing you can do for her is to give her the time and space to do it. You can not be her white knight and solve all her problems. You can not love her through this. She needs to learn to stand on her own and she needs to deal with her husband, her children, and her health. You can’t be her friend because you clearly want more from the woman. And not to beat a dead horse, you both have some pretty major issues with boundaries. Just, give her time. As they say, if you love something - set it free. If it comes back to you, it is meant to be yours. The kindest, most selfless, and most loving thing you could do for this woman is to let her be... give her a break from all this emotional drama (she has more than enough to deal with resulting from her marriage and her pending divorce). Just let her be... Edited March 9, 2021 by BaileyB 5
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 1 hour ago, SaraSays said: What you could do is focus on being a good dad to your kids, and focus on building boundaries as it pertains to taking care of them, because they've just been unnecessarily tangled up in this mess, and yet your focus is still elsewhere. Why the attack and accusation? You assume I am not focused on my kids??? I have busted my arse to fix things with them that a crazy ex messed up. I have accumulated the backing of 3 psychologists, one that I have talked to regularly for a year and a half, work with an attorney, and have done tons of my own leg work to fix it. Now that I finally have all that taken care of, yes, I wanted to find someone to build a future with. There is nothing left for me to do with the kids at this time, as it is already in place and taken care of. I fail to see how bringing someone around my children "endangered" them in any way? I bring friends around them all the time. She was not introduced as their "new mommy." She was introduced the same as you'd introduce anyone else... by name. And like I have stated multiple times previously, I have no introduced any other girlfriend to them in three years, and I was with that person for a year (and waited about 5-6mos to introduce them). This was NOT the norm for me, and there were a LOT of reasons why. And how are they "tangled up in this mess"??? She won't be around anymore. There is no "mess" that they are even aware of. She simply isn't going to be around anymore. I mean from your reaction, you'd have thought I brought my kids around a meth house or something. I thought the relationship was solid. I thought I loved her. At the time, I did not see anything that could possibly go wrong with how open her and I were. I had NO idea how bad her issues were from her ex at the time. So yea, I screwed up, but I would hardly consider that "endangering" my kids. Again, it had been three years since anyone met them that was a girlfriend. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Yeah don't mean to put you on the defensive but it isn't really criticism that is abnormal when more facts come out. If she is living at her mom's and can't have her kids as much as is the normal arrangement, then absolutely that HAS to be her priority. I'm guessing financial concerns come with that set of problems. IMO, she used very bad judgement in trying to date at this moment in time. And to jump in with both feet. It's basically like putting her romantic self before her basic needs and her kids needs. THAT'S a no-go! Red flag and all of that. Maybe she was trying to escape the difficulties of her real life by jumping into something that felt like an escape for her. And maybe you felt like a hero due to all she'd been through--sure there was some of that going on, which would make you attach to her more than normal. If you add in, how you really met, which i'm still curious about (though totally understand that you have limited time) then the picture is just one where it was just highly unrealistic to be sustainable without addressing the REAL underlying problems. Let her do that. Move on with your life and she will reappear if the "love" is real. There's nothing for you to "DO". 1
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 20 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You don't need to be on the defensive like this. If you truly don't think so, re-read the posts here. At least half the people are looking for ways to criticize me, as if I'm not in pain enough already and realized I screwed up already. Some are providing useful advice, but others are just kicking me while I'm down. So yea, it's making me feel quite unwelcome when all I did was come here looking for help.
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Try not to feel unwelcome even when the advice or way people see what is going on hurts to hear. You will make it through this. I feel like you are taking yourself on a rollercoaster. What can you do that is NOT thinking about her? This situation? the forum even? Do that. Maybe exercise. A funny movie. Doing something with your kids. 2
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