Miss Spider Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) Yea, can you plz clear up the timeline here has it been 5 mo or 2 mo? I disagree w send a love card. The best thing you can do after you’ve been too much is say “ok” and go dark... it’s the last thing they’re expecting...A love card is cringe . Leave her be. At least that’s how I’ve felt about getting them from guys I broke up w theM bc I lost interest Edited March 8, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 3
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Search4twinflame said: She already made it clear to me that once she is ready, she knows she is going to miss me and regret this decision, doesn't want anyone else, and doesn't feel she could find what we have between us ever again My guy, these are just words. They're meant to soften the blow and make her feel less guilty. You would be very naive to hold to her any of the above. And yes, please clarify the real history and timeline between you two. Your two diffeent accounts present two different version of this relatiobship. Edited March 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 2
BaileyB Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: As per your history you started dating 2 months ago (not 5) and she told you since beginning that she was afraid to be in a relationship. At the time we all told you that a woman 8 months out of an 18 year abusive relationship needed time by herself, not a boyfriend. If this is true, then you really do need to leave this woman alone. It’s the kindest thing you can do for her. It’s the smartest thing you can do for yourself. Edited March 8, 2021 by BaileyB 3
Versacehottie Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Yea, can you plz clear up the timeline here has it been 5 mo or 2 mo? I disagree w send a love card. The best thing you can do after you’ve been too much is say “ok” and go dark... it’s the last thing they’re expecting...A love card is cringe . Leave her be. At least that’s how I’ve felt about getting them from guys I broke up w theM bc I lost interest Yeah, agreed. Also can you please clear up your screen name? People take the time (and care) to reply to you with the story you give us. Then perhaps you forget and log back in under a different screen name, which is a little deceptive in itself...and on the second screen name people can see a different timeline with this woman. So which is it? I agree with Bailey who also encouraged you to get more help for anxious feelings you have. I think even this little thing with the two screen names and two timelines is more of the same of trying to control everything, rather than just put it out there and let it be what it will be. Clear sign of anxiety. Sorry. And I also agree, don't send a card or check in with her in 4-5 days. And I don't agree with if she comes back around later that you won't be having it. Why not? If you were free and still had feelings for her when she did that, why wouldn't you? The arbitrary dates and timeframes for when things need to happen in your time frame is not evidence of love or being able to give her space. You don't have to COMMIT to being open to it, but it also reasons that, if you love her and time is what she needs, then depending on what you were up to in life at that point, you wouldn't' rule it out either. Hmmmmm, big hmmmm. 5
dramafreezone Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 15 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: UPDATE: Well, seems many of you were right and I screwed up here. She ended things with me today. She told me with her divorce still ongoing (he is dragging it out), her herniated discs (she has been having terrible headaches because of them being aggravated - ongoing for about six weeks now and a large part of why she can't focus on anything), her concerns for losing her job (because of missing so much work because of the herniated discs), and the fact that she still has a hard time speaking up for herself after the abusive relationship (has lots of self-work to do), that she isn't ready to be in a relationship yet. I don't want to lose this and am hoping she might change over the next few days, but I am completely devastated here. I know the best I can do is to leave her alone and give her space. I just don't want to lose her, not with the chemistry we have. We did have a talk later in the day (this evening), and seems like we are going to keep talking, see if there is some way to ease everything back with us, and not entirely give up here. It just threw me for a complete 180, where yesterday, she was talking about how great things are going with me and her kids, misses me all the time when I'm not there, etc., and then ends things today. I mean it's clear it's not so much us as the stress, but I know I haven't been helping it when she feels like I want progress she isn't ready for yet. With that said... To clarify a couple things here... There seems to be a common misconception here that I am "pressuring her" for things. That's not the case at all. We are simply very open with our communication, so whatever either of us wants, needs, etc., we talk about it and try to find a middle ground when we don't see eye-to-eye. The problem that I learned about tonight is that since she has such a hard time telling someone no in a relationship, she sometimes says yes, or agrees to compromises that she still isn't comfortable with. As far as her moving things much faster than she usually does, that had been entirely her decisions on 90% of it. Multiple things I didn't find out moved faster with us than others until after the fact. Very few of those things were because I asked for them specifically. There has been very little where I brought it up as an issue. Facebook came up as an issue merely because that's my venue to communicate with family and friends since we all live apart from one another. I wanted to show her off to friends and family, and it was disheartening to me that for whatever reason, she didn't want to do that yet, but no real reason as to why after months of us being together on a daily basis and all else I explained. So, I thought we found a middle ground, where after a few weeks, she would put me on there. I don't know why it should've been such a huge issue if she was truly as confident in us as she was claiming she was. But clearly, she wasn't. I thought we compromised and found a middle ground, but this was an example of where she did something she didn't necessarily want to do. As far as the kids and meeting them, there was again never any pressure. I simply communicated when I'd like to, she told me when she'd like to, so then we agreed three weekends from that time, we would move forward with kid intros. We just didn't see the point of continuing to delay it with how confident we were with us. We planned to make the children and building a foundation with them a gradual process, and mainly use that to gauge how to handle things. In addition, to clarify, this is NOT something I typically do. I had a bad habit years ago of moving things too fast with people and not getting to know them. It bit me BAD in the end a couple times, so I have normally moved MUCH slower in my pace these days. No one has met my children in four years now, and that woman was with me for a year, so yes, she met them. But since then, I've dated dozens of times, only a handful having made it past a first date (because I'm very picky). My current girlfriend knows all this, as again, we are very open with one another. My feelings for her are just much different and much stronger. The same on her end, which is why they have moved faster for her as well. It's just our paces are vastly different. I actually do talk to a counselor once every couple of months, mainly because of an abusive relationship I was in years ago. I explained all of it to her. Her feedback was quite a bit different than what I'm getting here. She said so long as her and I are fine with the pace, we have every right to move it at whatever pace we want and are comfortable with. She just said to make sure to keep into consideration the kids, future goals in the relationship and life in general, etc. But anyway, I am still completely shocked and devastated about today. With how things were going with us, the last thing I ever expected was for her to end things with us like that. I mean yes, we are going to continue talking and see how things go from there. But, I have very little confidence left after how quick she was to give up on us and how hesitant to give this a shot with easing things back. What confuses me most is she flat out said she still loves me and misses me like always, but is just adamant about that she can't handle a relationship at this point. The only reason we are continuing to talk is because I made it clear to her that when things change in a few months (the neck issues should be fixed by the doctor by then, and she will also have an attorney by then to take the stress of her divorce), she needs to realize that I wouldn't take her back. When she realized that this would be permanent if she stuck with this decision, it made her second-guess. In addition, she seemed to think that easing back on the pace would hurt me and not be fair to me. I had to clarify that after realizing how badly she needs it and why, I would be more than happy to give that to her. Certainly a better alternative than losing her altogether. The more I clarified things, the more she realized this wasn't exactly what she wanted. She flat out said she knows eventually, when she was in a better place, she would regret this. That was my sign this is still worth fighting for, but I know I need to be VERY gentle and give her LOTS of space at this point to have any hope. I guess this is a difficult situation, as she feels she can't give what she would like to in a relationship, but also doesn't want anyone else but me, still loves and misses me, and doesn't want to completely give up on us. I don't know the best way to handle it other than to give her space and assure her that I am fine easing things back. I don't have much confidence at this point though. I mean one friend keeps assuring me that with how severe her neck issues are, that pain can be clouding her judgement and messing her up. She has said a couple different times that the pain is so severe that she considered the notion that death might be better. So, I know just the pain alone is a HUGE thing for her to deal with. I just don't get throwing us away in the process. I feel like she took a very negative mindset on our relationship, projected that into the future of the relationship, and then said she couldn't handle a relationship because of what she was going through on top of all that. However, in my eyes, if a relationship is worth it, you find a way to get through, no matter what it takes. Hopefully, easing things back will keep me from losing her. I don't want to screw this up, but if she truly can't handle a relationship right now on any level whatsoever, then there won't be anything I can do. Considering the complete 180 on her part though, I'm hoping this is just from stress, pain, etc. I don't think it's anything more than she just lost attraction due to you moving too fast. I don't put much credence into reasons that she gives for her decision. The human brain is an amazing thing. We rationalize emotional decisions that we make after the fact. But to use an extreme example, if it were Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper or whoever her celebrity crush is that were pursing her, do you think she'd break up with him citing all of those reasons? Hell no. Her attraction to her celebrity crush is so high that he could slip on banana peels all day, love bomb her and it still wouldn't matter. You are something less than her celebrity crush, so you don't have as large of a margin for error. Attraction can grow again, but you have to change your behavior and take it easy. I don't know how long it will take. It's like a flame, it was burning red hot before, now it's just small embers on a burned log. It has to grow again and she has to be far enough removed from how weak you acted so that she remembers only the good she saw from you. Of course, this is given that she doesn't meet anyone new or better. Just sit back, relax, make yourself more scarce by keeping yourself busy (don't fake being busy, actually be busy with stuff), and let things happen. You don't have to push for anything. It may be too late, but the only hope you have is just to sit back and let her attraction grow back.
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 8, 2021 Author Posted March 8, 2021 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: In the beginning I don't think you pressured her intentionally. If you didn't know she has a hard time telling people no in a relationship you were just pushy because you were so excited. Now that you know you need to back off even more. I know you want to maintain some contact -- you say once per week (which is waaayyyy too much) -- because you know that if you there is no communication that it's more likely that you will not get back together. Unfortunately that is what you have to do. Once per week is too much for her at this juncture. Maybe she could tolerate an email or text once per month. She needs a break from all men, from all dating. She has to focus on herself & learn who she is as a single adult woman. Until she does that she can't date you or anybody else. Problem is you want to hope & you are not getting it that she just wants you gone. Anything you do now, other than bow out entirely, will be construed by her as you being a pest that won't go away. She will come to view you as an annoyance. Because I recognize that you want to take an action, that you want to fix this, there is ONE small thing you can try but it requires great patience & faith on your part. I question whether you have either & caution that it's unlikely to work but IMO it's your best shot. Send her a nice loving romantic card that you buy at the store. Try to find one with the cliché about if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it does not it never was. In the card write something along the lines of Letting you go is breaking my heart but I know I must. You need time to figure out what I already know: You are an extraordinary person & we're great together. I hope you figure out what you need & that you find your way back to me. Love, @Search4twinflame Mail it to her through the post office with a stamp. Do not hand deliver it. For now you have to truly hear her & leave her alone as much as you don't want to. Thanks again for the advice. As much as it hurts, I get what you are saying and realize I have to do this. One thing I am wondering though, and maybe this card will cover it. She told me at one point the day of the breakup that if one day months or years down the road, she realized she messed up here (which she said later on, she knows she will), she would not contact me. For some reason, she felt that was wrong to do to me. So, not sure if that is something I should address in the card too, or just leave it as you stated above? It would just suck knowing in a couple months or so, she does want me back, but she for whatever reason doesn't because she feels it isn't right to do to me. Not sure what you'd suggest as far as anything I might want to change or add to that card to do that? I know this is most likely going to be years for her to fix this. I know I have to completely let go. It's just so hard with how well things were going. I am still in a bit of shock. I mean it went from spending time with her and her kids, her telling me how great it's going with her kids, talking about a future together, missing me whenever I'm not there, to breaking up within less than 24hrs. It wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't completely blind-sided me. One other thing, how long should I wait to send this card? Last night was the last time I talked to her. We had the phone conversation, then a couple texts to her after, and that was late last night. Should I wait a few days, or go grab something soon and send it?
SaraSays Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 If your relationship with this ex-girlfriend was barely 2 months, as per your posting history, not 5 months as you claim under the second account used to start this thread, I can't put into words, how alarming it is for both of you to have introduced your kids into this fragile debacle, when you were both strangers to each other. This relationship didn't even make it out of the limerence period unscathed, a period of time when we're looking at everything through rose-tinted glasses for about 3 months. It got to about half of that period. Many, many connections fall apart within the first 3 months. Why did you mislead us that this was a relationship of 5 months? The advice on your other thread, where you mention getting together in Jan of this year, was great. Posters put a lot of thought into it. What did you learn from that thread? 4
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 8, 2021 Author Posted March 8, 2021 1 hour ago, Versacehottie said: Yeah, agreed. Also can you please clear up your screen name? People take the time (and care) to reply to you with the story you give us. Then perhaps you forget and log back in under a different screen name, which is a little deceptive in itself...and on the second screen name people can see a different timeline with this woman. So which is it? I agree with Bailey who also encouraged you to get more help for anxious feelings you have. I think even this little thing with the two screen names and two timelines is more of the same of trying to control everything, rather than just put it out there and let it be what it will be. Clear sign of anxiety. Sorry. And I also agree, don't send a card or check in with her in 4-5 days. And I don't agree with if she comes back around later that you won't be having it. Why not? If you were free and still had feelings for her when she did that, why wouldn't you? The arbitrary dates and timeframes for when things need to happen in your time frame is not evidence of love or being able to give her space. You don't have to COMMIT to being open to it, but it also reasons that, if you love her and time is what she needs, then depending on what you were up to in life at that point, you wouldn't' rule it out either. Hmmmmm, big hmmmm. The screen name was between my work and home computer. I forgot my old screen name login, so I created a new one. Didn't realize the work computer was still logged into the old one. It's the same woman. It's a two month time frame. I was embarrassed about having fallen so fast for someone in two months. I know it's stupid. It's not how I always am. I have learned to be more cautious over the last couple years with bad dating experiences I've had. She was an exception. Other than the time-frame being off, everything else is spot on. She literally just had me meet her kids this past Saturday. That is what blows my mind here. It was the first time meeting them, her daughter has selective mutism (targeted towards adults and men even more so), and she was speaking in front of me in a matter of hours. She couldn't believe how well it went. And I kept asking her all week if she was ready for it (me meeting them) and she kept assuring me she was. Also, we eventually ended back up at her house. I kept telling her whenever she wanted me to leave, I would and let her have time with the kids and give them a breather from me since it was my first time meeting them. She kept telling me it was fine. The end of the night, we were cuddling on the couch right in front of the kids. When I left that night, within like 10 minutes, she messaged me "Miss you already love. So glad you got to meet the kids. I love you so very very much". The next morning, she messaged me "Good morning love". Then, about an hour later, she is breaking up with me. That is why I'm so completely thrown off here. When I say it was a complete 180, I mean it was a COMPLETE 180. And as far as the card, I think you're right. I did reply and was considering it, but you're right. I already had a talk with her on the phone last night, she knows what I am open to, she knows I love her, and I think the card would just make me seem even more needy and clingy. I'm not going to do it. As far as taking her back later on, my issue would be that I would have very little confidence she wouldn't do the same thing again to me. I mean she went from making it seem like everything was great, to breaking up overnight. I don't know how I would just get over that and not have any concerns she would pull the same stunt again later on. It would be different if we had been able to work through this, but to walk away from me and then later on decide to try again, I just feel like I'd be setting myself up for more heartbreak. And again, as I stated in my last post, she already made it clear that later on when she is ready, even if she wanted me back, she wouldn't contact me and try to do so. Again, I don't know exactly why, but if I were to not send that card (which I don't plan to now), I'm not sure how I could make her aware that it would be ok to do so to keep that door open? I mean maybe if it were not too long down the road, or something in my head changed to where I felt more confident she wouldn't just walk away from us. But, I mean if she comes back to me after going out and dating other people, I'm not going to be a "grass wasn't greener, so I'll come back to this one" situation. I mean she claims to have no interest in dating at this point or anytime soon, but if that happens prior to her reaching out to me, I am almost entirely certain that I wouldn't be able to do that.
dramafreezone Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 The fact that you're insisting on sending a card makes it seem like you don't understand why this happened, which is fine. It's really tough to think straight when you're heartbroken. But some people here have told you that sending a card is a bad idea, and I think it's wise to heed that advice. Stop believing that everything she's saying makes sense, even to herself. At this point she's saying what she needs to say to pacify you. She would see that she made a mistake down the road but then she wouldn't contact you because it'd be unfair to you? That doesn't make any sense. Stop acting as if it does. If she's attracted to you again, she will contact you, I'm 100% confident of that. If she doesn't contact you, it's not that she wants you back but she doesn't think it'd be fair to you. It's because she's not attracted. Don't send a card. Stop treating this person that just wrecked your heart with such kindness. Doesn't mean you need to be a jackarse, but start behaving with some dignity. Move on, respect her wishes and focus on yourself. 3
Calmandfocused Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 You’re not listening to her. By not listening to her you are disrespecting her. Whether you want to accept this or not you are trying to control her. Your desire to control her and the relationship is what’s resulted in her running away. She doesn’t want to be controlled, especially after being in an abusive relationship. Your behaviour is probably triggering her. Your write detail after detail about how she feels about you but this is not reality. What you write is how you want her to feel. Your trying to manipulate her with this card nonsense and she will see right through it. There are two people in a relationship and one can opt out at any time. She’s shown you her cards. You may not agree but it is what it is. Back off and leave her alone. As other posters have said your smothering is doing nothing but pushing her further away. 6
basil67 Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) I'm still figuring out the facts here. You said in your opening post that you were spending every night together at each other's houses - but you also say that you only met her kids on the weekend. I can't work out how you managed all this sleeping over without meeting the kids. Does she not have primary custody of her children? Edited March 8, 2021 by basil67 2
SaraSays Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 5 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: She literally just had me meet her kids this past Saturday. That is what blows my mind here. It was the first time meeting them, her daughter has selective mutism (targeted towards adults and men even more so), and she was speaking in front of me in a matter of hours. She couldn't believe how well it went. And I kept asking her all week if she was ready for it (me meeting them) and she kept assuring me she was. Also, we eventually ended back up at her house. I kept telling her whenever she wanted me to leave, I would and let her have time with the kids and give them a breather from me since it was my first time meeting them. She kept telling me it was fine. The end of the night, we were cuddling on the couch right in front of the kids. This is all really irresponsible from both of you, I'm afraid. This should have set loud alarm bells off for you, that someone would put their kids in harm's way like this, mindful you're a complete stranger. She should have strong boundaries for her kids meeting new partners. You should have strong boundaries for meeting the kids of new partners. Baffling to think the kids had to endure you both cuddling on the couch, a stranger cuddling their mum... Did you put your own kids through this, too? 3
Versacehottie Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 Listen, all I can say from your last reply is that she really seems to have love bombed you and has really treated this like a rebound, going in full force. And you did too, it seems. Those often burn out as they are based on things that are about filling something within each individual not necessarily about each other. I will try to write more later based on all the other stuff you said but don't analyze this to death. There is the most power in ACCEPTING it at this stage. Good luck 3
CollinW Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 @Love2Love78there is something about you that you need to sort through and work out before you even think about being with someone else. For one you need to ask yourself, despite the fact that she's going through so much turmoil right now in her life, why do you want to be a part of this so bad? She's broke, she's going through legal issues, she has health issues, job insecurities, going through divorce, etc. She's not defined by her situation, but you're acting like this is a can't miss proposition for you when most men wouldn't want to be dragged into this. If you were in her situation, would dating a clingy person be the first thing on your mind? Secondly, you claimed that you have dated 100s of women as if it's virtuous or gives you insight. Someone with that much experience would understand when a woman is trying to let you down easily. He would also realize that those "I miss you already" texts don't mean anything. And truth be told, it's hard to date that many women in the first place because when you're a man of value, women don't let you slip through their fingers that easily. Let alone hundreds. I understand the excitement of something new with someone you like. Her situation should have forced you to put things in perspective. I want to say that perspective seems to be going over your head, but your low key ultimatums make me realize you know what you're doing. Give her space, stop breathing down her neck, let her get her life together, and if she wants you when the time is right then she'll come back. Go date another 100 women to occupy your time in the meanwhile. 3
dramafreezone Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) 33 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: The screen name was between my work and home computer. I forgot my old screen name login, so I created a new one. Didn't realize the work computer was still logged into the old one. It's the same woman. It's a two month time frame. I was embarrassed about having fallen so fast for someone in two months. I know it's stupid. It's not how I always am. I have learned to be more cautious over the last couple years with bad dating experiences I've had. She was an exception. Other than the time-frame being off, everything else is spot on. She literally just had me meet her kids this past Saturday. That is what blows my mind here. It was the first time meeting them, her daughter has selective mutism (targeted towards adults and men even more so), and she was speaking in front of me in a matter of hours. She couldn't believe how well it went. And I kept asking her all week if she was ready for it (me meeting them) and she kept assuring me she was. Also, we eventually ended back up at her house. I kept telling her whenever she wanted me to leave, I would and let her have time with the kids and give them a breather from me since it was my first time meeting them. She kept telling me it was fine. The end of the night, we were cuddling on the couch right in front of the kids. When I left that night, within like 10 minutes, she messaged me "Miss you already love. So glad you got to meet the kids. I love you so very very much". The next morning, she messaged me "Good morning love". Then, about an hour later, she is breaking up with me. That is why I'm so completely thrown off here. When I say it was a complete 180, I mean it was a COMPLETE 180. And as far as the card, I think you're right. I did reply and was considering it, but you're right. I already had a talk with her on the phone last night, she knows what I am open to, she knows I love her, and I think the card would just make me seem even more needy and clingy. I'm not going to do it. As far as taking her back later on, my issue would be that I would have very little confidence she wouldn't do the same thing again to me. I mean she went from making it seem like everything was great, to breaking up overnight. I don't know how I would just get over that and not have any concerns she would pull the same stunt again later on. It would be different if we had been able to work through this, but to walk away from me and then later on decide to try again, I just feel like I'd be setting myself up for more heartbreak. And again, as I stated in my last post, she already made it clear that later on when she is ready, even if she wanted me back, she wouldn't contact me and try to do so. Again, I don't know exactly why, but if I were to not send that card (which I don't plan to now), I'm not sure how I could make her aware that it would be ok to do so to keep that door open? I mean maybe if it were not too long down the road, or something in my head changed to where I felt more confident she wouldn't just walk away from us. But, I mean if she comes back to me after going out and dating other people, I'm not going to be a "grass wasn't greener, so I'll come back to this one" situation. I mean she claims to have no interest in dating at this point or anytime soon, but if that happens prior to her reaching out to me, I am almost entirely certain that I wouldn't be able to do that. Unfortunately there is such a thing as being too available. You were way too available to her. This is a concept as old as the world itself. Why don't we value coal the same way we value gold? It's because coal is abundant, it's everywhere. Gold is relatively scarce. When something is widely available, we don't value it as much. In this case, the resource is your time. She had way too much of it from you, so she didn't regard it as that valuable and something that she wants more of anymore. You just dropped of 50 sacks of coal right in front of her doorstep, and she's like I don't want all of this crap. On the other hand, if you have a life full of hobbies, your career, your family, your time will naturally be more scarce. Then when you make time for her, she's far more appreciate of that because she knows that you normally are filling that time with purpose. It has value. And no woman (in my opinion) really wants you to just dump all of your hobbies and things that give you purpose for them. She may ask and ask and ask for more of your time, that doesn't mean you have to give 100% of it to her. She's controlling you at that point, and I don't think any woman wants, trusts or respects a man that she can control. Maybe she felt your time was valuable at first but as soon as you gave all of it to her she saw that wasn't the case. This is what you have to work on IMO. You have your kids already. Delve more into hobbies, build a fulfilling life. Move on. You want to know how to throttle your emotions and not get too ahead of yourself? Fill your time with other things that bring you joy. Edited March 8, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 8, 2021 Author Posted March 8, 2021 4 minutes ago, SaraSays said: If your relationship with this ex-girlfriend was barely 2 months, as per your posting history, not 5 months as you claim under the second account used to start this thread, I can't put into words, how alarming it is for both of you to have introduced your kids into this fragile debacle, when you were both strangers to each other. This relationship didn't even make it out of the limerence period unscathed, a period of time when we're looking at everything through rose-tinted glasses for about 3 months. It got to about half of that period. Many, many connections fall apart within the first 3 months. Why did you mislead us that this was a relationship of 5 months? The advice on your other thread, where you mention getting together in Jan of this year, was great. Posters put a lot of thought into it. What did you learn from that thread? I just explained this in the last post. It was embarrassing I fell this fast and hard. And everyone kept telling me then it was going to fall apart at that point, yet it lasted for another month and a half beyond it. If I just gave up back then like many suggested, I wouldn't have the happy memories I do now. I mean yes, it would have saved me heartbreak too, but I didn't want to give up because people on the internet who were not seeing it firsthand were saying leave her. I mean honestly, I did take what they were all saying under consideration, but do you feel it is reasonable to flat out break up with someone you feel so strongly towards because people on the internet told you to? I take the advice here under VERY serious consideration. But, I feel it would be foolish to act on every single thing you're told, particularly when your heart tells you to do something entirely different. I went with my heart. I thought I was doing right. Once again, I was wrong and I admit that. If I were any good at it, I wouldn't be here asking others while I am clueless. I am also completely devastated at this point and was dreading all the criticism I would get here, which I have already gotten plenty of. People accusing me of trying to be "controlling," "pushy," etc., when they really don't know me or how I was towards her. Like I said previously, I was always asking her what she wanted, because I knew she had a hard time speaking up about what she wanted. In the past, her ex never cared, and would diminish what she wanted to the point where she felt speaking up was a bad idea. I was encouraging her to break that habit by letting me know what made her happy. I am a giver and gave as much as I could to this woman. I tried helping her neck issues with massages almost every night. I'd give her foot massages every night on top of that. I was always asking what I could do for her to make her happier. When she had a small TV at her mom's place and nothing to do while in pain, I bought her a brand new 65" TV and burned tons of movies onto USB drives to play on it just so she didn't have to sit around bored all the time. I go above and beyond to try and make those I care about happy, but then, I have people on here criticizing me and acting like I took advantage of a battered woman, when I was doing all I could to encourage her to regain her independence. Yet another example of why I take everything said on here with a grain of salt. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it, just that I'm not going to act solely on a person's advice here unless I feel it suits the current situation and feels right. But, I do take every single thing said on here under consideration and appreciate everyone's time. Yes, we did something stupid. While I can't speak for her on her end, I truly did feel like she was the one. The chemistry truly was unlike anything I have ever had in the past. My kids have not met anyone in three years now, and I was with that woman for a year. This isn't something I typically do. With how I *thought* our communication was so open and how amazing the chemistry was, I thought this woman and I could make it through anything. I saw no concerns with early intros because I honestly couldn't fathom anything we wouldn't be able to handle together. Again, in my mid 40s, and I have NEVER had even a fraction of this chemistry with anyone else before. In fact, last year, I gave up on the concept of "twin flames." With how I felt towards this woman, she rekindled that belief, as I had no other explanation for our chemistry other than that she was my twin flame. That is why this is breaking me so bad, that and how like I said previously, this all completely blind-sided me. But, a lot of this was what I was trying to avoid. Trying to defend myself instead of figuring out how to handle the situation. Yes, everyone is going to feel it was all too early. In most cases, I'd agree. I thought she was an exception. Clearly, I was wrong. I screwed up yet again in another relationship because I fall too fast and too hard and then get naive about all that could potentially go wrong. I am highly intelligent, top of my classes in college in fact with tons of awards. But, when it comes to women, dating, and relationships, I know I am extremely naive and incompetent. I have tried to work on it over the years. I try to throttle emotions. I try to be logical. But, every once in a while, I fall too fast too hard and end up like this. I look for the best in people, and trust too easily. I know what I do wrong, but I just keep hoping that one day, someone will come along who deserves my trust and deserves a future with me. But, I know a lot of the problem is me. I have discussed it with my counselor countless times. She assures me all I deal with is occasional depression, mainly because of issues with my kid's parenting plan (VERY long story). But, that is being fixed and will be back to normal within the next couple months. Other than that, she has encouraged me in the past to take my time with dating and not rush into things. With this current situation, she supported it, mainly because of how solid the relationship seemed. But, clearly she was wrong and most of you were right. I thought everything was finally coming together for me this year. Now, I feel like it is just falling apart again, and I was just a naive idiot. I know many said to run when she was going through a divorce still. The problem is at my age, EVERY WOMAN I meet has some sort of issues. Whether it is ex issues, trust issues, different values, etc., there is always something that comes up where it is a "can I live with this?" type of situation. If I walked away from every woman I go on a date with that is not 100% free of any baggage, I would have been single for these past four years of dating, and would most likely be single for decades to come, if not more. And who am I to judge either? I have my own baggage. I have three children and two exes. My life isn't perfect, but I try to make the best of it. I don't feel I should give up on someone just because other people find something to complain about. I don't expect perfection. I just want someone ready to date who is honest, ready for a relationship, and has chemistry with me.
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 36 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: I know many said to run when she was going through a divorce still. The problem is at my age, EVERY WOMAN I meet has some sort of issues. Of course after 40 we all have bagage, and thank god we do, otherwise we would not learn and make better choices for ourselves. Do we all have issues? No we don't. Issues and flaws aren't the same thing. There are plenty of women out there that have their life on track and are looking for a life companion. I suspect because you have this need to 'save' women you unconsciously end up picking those with issues. 1 1
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Love2Love78 said: she already made it clear that later on when she is ready, even if she wanted me back, she wouldn't contact me and try to do so. She already knows that when she has dealt with her issues she will not want to contact you. It's her way to tell you to not wait for her. Edited March 9, 2021 by Gaeta 4
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 57 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: Clearly, I was wrong. I screwed up yet again in another relationship because I fall too fast and too hard and then get naive about all that could potentially go wrong. * * * But, every once in a while, I fall too fast too hard and end up like this. I look for the best in people, and trust too easily. I know what I do wrong, but I just keep hoping that one day, someone will come along who deserves my trust and deserves a future with me. But, I know a lot of the problem is me. I have discussed it with my counselor countless times. We are all a work in progress. You wear your heart on your sleeve & that's how you get hurt. Going forward pull back especially when your instincts are telling you to rush forward. A slower pace will prevent many of these things. Try remembering that dating is a try out. If you can sit back longer & wait until the other person proves they deserve all the wonderful attention & love you bestow, you have a greater chance of finding somebody ready willing & able to reciprocate. It's not that you are bad guy. You are simply enthusiastic & somewhat impulsive. You need to learn to rely more on logic & less on emotion. 6
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 1 hour ago, Love2Love78 said: I just want someone ready to date who is honest, ready for a relationship, and has chemistry with me. This lady doesn't have 2 out of 3 of those things. She is admittedly incapable of being fully honest and is not ready for a relationship. Make it simple on yourself. She's not the one at this moment. Even item number 3 about having chemistry with you is debatable since we only have your side to go on. Perhaps she doesn't feel the same. 1 1
Alpacalia Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 19 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: UPDATE: Well, seems many of you were right and I screwed up here. She ended things with me today. She told me with her divorce still ongoing (he is dragging it out), her herniated discs (she has been having terrible headaches because of them being aggravated - ongoing for about six weeks now and a large part of why she can't focus on anything), her concerns for losing her job (because of missing so much work because of the herniated discs), and the fact that she still has a hard time speaking up for herself after the abusive relationship (has lots of self-work to do), that she isn't ready to be in a relationship yet. I don't want to lose this and am hoping she might change over the next few days, but I am completely devastated here. I know the best I can do is to leave her alone and give her space. I just don't want to lose her, not with the chemistry we have. For at least a year, I believe it is prudent to not date people who are recently divorced. It's all hurt right now, since you experienced a genuine connection. Hope you start to feel a little better each day. 2
dramafreezone Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: She already knows that when she has dealt with her issues she will not want to contact you. It's her way to tell you to not wait for her. You correctly see what she means. I only see it because I've had that same type of nonsense said to me at some point. She's telling him to get lost, but trying to do it a way to where he feels good about himself (the BS part about her having made a mistake). But in her trying to make him feel good, it renders the comment nonsensical. Problem is to some guys, if you give them any hope (the BS part where she says she'll realize she made a mistake) we take it and hang on to it. 2
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 9, 2021 Author Posted March 9, 2021 UPDATE: She reached out to me earlier this evening with a very, very long text. In short, she made it clear in the text she thought long and hard about this, and she just can't have a relationship right now until she fixes herself. She stated she needs to learn to value her own needs and comfort above what others want from her. Said she can't do that in a relationship. There was a ton more, but that was the main basis of it. Then, she talked about how she knows it wasn't fair to me, as I didn't know she was compromising her wants since she never spoke up about any of it. Said it started bothering her over the last two weeks, and it became such an issue that she realized she needed to fix that on her own, because it wasn't fair to do to me and she knows that. As much as I hate to admit it, I understand and agree with her. The part that I think stung the most out of what she wrote, "I know what I am giving up with you. It just isn't what is right for me." My take on that is that "it" refers to "me," so basically, "I'm not right for her." My sign that there is absolutely no hope in the future either, so it at least helps give me some closure here. I just wished she was more straight-forward with that from the start. I just don't get how she acknowledges it is her issues that kept her from saying what she wanted, that I never had a chance to even know, but that she seems to be holding it against me still to at least some extent. Anyway, my response was that I already knew this was going to happen. I didn't fight it at all, just accepted and acknowledged it. I know there is no point. I did tell her that once she does get past all this, she is welcome to contact me if she wants and to not feel like she shouldn't. Told her I can't guarantee a response, but if you want to at that point for whatever reason, feel free. She of course made it clear she didn't want me waiting on her, which I told her I have no intentions on doing. Just that if things changed down the road, she knew where to find me. She left it at let's take a few days since this is raw, and maybe discuss the notion of trying to be friends, maintain contact on social media, something like that. I told her I wasn't going to contact her anymore, but she could reach out to me at that time if she wants to see if it is something we would want. A part of me doesn't want to lose her completely, and since I do understand why she is doing what she is doing, a friendship may not be a bad idea. I just need to make sure that if I do, I can drill it into my head that her and I are not ever getting back together. At least, I need to make that assumption to not have any false hope. I'm not sure how well I could do that, so not sure if I'm going to take her up on the friends thing. I guess not much else to cover about this. Most of you were right, I was wrong (again). I really did think she was the one. I don't get why this crap happens to me. I mean someone I have more chemistry with than anyone else ever by far, and because she isn't ready, it turns into a dumpster fire. I just can't get a break when it comes to dating.
Mrin Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) Hey dude. My heart goes out to you. Consider yourself man hugged. I'm not going to debate the facts of the situation as I think prior posters have done a great job analyzing. But... I just want to point out one thing that might be helpful in future relationships. Many posters have said that you were pressuring her. and you have steadfastly defended yourself by saying that wasn't your intent at all to pressure her. So that's sort of like talking past each other. It really doesn't matter what your intent is. Or whether a reasonable third party person would interpret your actions as pressuring. All that matters, in this case, is what she felt. And from what you have relayed it sounds like she definitely felt pressured and probably smothered. Take the TV incident that you just relayed. You see that as generosity and a nice gesture. And it is generous and a nice gesture. But... It could also feel very pressuring to a woman like that so early into a relationship. I know if a woman I had just started dating did something like that for me it would definitely feel like pressure. In fact things like that have happened and it totally weirded me out. So I guess going forward I would just look beyond your intent of your actions and think more about how it might be received. Because, in the end, that's all that really matters. Best of luck! Mrin Edited March 9, 2021 by Mrin 7
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2021 Posted March 9, 2021 Way too much way too soon. She's in the throes of divorce so all over the place. Slow down, you don't need to be with someone who's just looking for a warm body to babysit her through the divorce. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Make sure someone is free and clear to date before jumping in like this. 2
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