Wanting to Progress Faster Than Girlfriend. How to Keep From Being Hurt?

[SaraSays]

I am very sorry. The acute pain of a breakup is something everyone can relate to. 

Posters here have given you good advice. I am wondering how much you've considered what they posted, if, within the space of 24 hours, you've started the post here, she has broken up with you, you've already started trying to convince your ex girlfriend to change her mind, and already posted a defence against everything posters implored you to explore a little.

You don't mention the emotional wellbeing of your kids, and don't seem (either of you) to have considered them at all at any stage of this. What do you think your kids are learning about relationships from you? What do you think they are  learning about how men behave in relationships from you?

3 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

There seems to be a common misconception here that I am "pressuring her" for things. 

Why do you think most posters are unanimous on the above? What if they're right? Why do you think some posters could  see an end on the horizon?

Instagram:

3 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

We are simply very open with our communication, so whatever either of us wants, needs, etc., we talk about it and try to find a middle ground when we don't see eye-to-eye.

3 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

We just didn't see the point of continuing to delay it with how confident we were with us.  We planned to make the children and building a foundation with them a gradual process, and mainly use that to gauge how to handle things.

Reality:

3 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

The problem that I learned about tonight is that since she has such a hard time telling someone no in a relationship, she sometimes says yes, or agrees to compromises that she still isn't comfortable with.

You barely know this person. This isn't love to me. 3 months is limerence. 4 seasons of baby steps might lead to love growing, and being proven by consistent, decent behaviour during life's ups and downs. You created an illusion of a relationship of depth, by spending so much time together, using bold words like "love", and introducing your kids, but there wasn't space and time for anything genuine to grow that could stand a chance of lasting and weathering storms.

Re the below, it reads to me that you kept on and on at her to acquiesce to your pace, on and on, over and over, refusing to accept she needed a different pace, so she started clutching at any straw in an act of desperation to get you to stop asking. A vulnerable person who doesn't feel listened to, will reach for anything to try to reassure the other person and get them to stop tormenting them about something. How often did you bring up anything to do with increasing the pace?

4 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

As far as her moving things much faster than she usually does, that had been entirely her decisions on 90% of it.  Multiple things I didn't find out moved faster with us than others until after the fact.  Very few of those things were because I asked for them specifically.

The below is just conjecture. She has told you she doesn't feel able to say no to you. This would seem to be another  example of that - she tried to say things are over, you pressured her once again, she has had to acquisce to your wishes once again to stop you from going on and on at her.

4 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

The only reason we are continuing to talk is because I made it clear to her that when things change in a few months (the neck issues should be fixed by the doctor by then, and she will also have an attorney by then to take the stress of her divorce), she needs to realize that I wouldn't take her back.  When she realized that this would be permanent if she stuck with this decision, it made her second-guess.  In addition, she seemed to think that easing back on the pace would hurt me and not be fair to me.

Again, I am sorry you're in pain, and wish you some peace today and over the coming days as you come to terms with the breakup.

[Love2Love78]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to just leave her be now, OP. She's trying to let you down gently here, and saying all the things dumpers say when they know their dumpee is going tp be very hurt. 

You're over-invested and she's just not on the same page. I realize you are hurting but you need to listen to her and stop trying to convince her that she's not making the right choice. She knows her own mind better than you do, and you're not really showing her that you accept her free will to end things. 

Don't reach out to her. She knows where to find you if she genuinly wants to keep you in her life, and not just because she feels pressured to. 

Thanks.  I have one friend assuring me that she had been through a similar situation years back and to not give up.  She told me she had back issues and a load of other problems similar to all this stuff going on back then and gave up on a relationship she later regretted.  She said by the time she realized it, it was too late and he had someone new.  She told me give my ex her space, but to just message her again in a couple days to tell her I hope she is doing ok.  So, I have her telling me that, my counselor telling me to not entirely give up but give her space as well, and then people like you telling me to just walk away and let her come to me if she wants to.  So, a lot of mixed feedback, but with the popular consensus that I do need to give her a LOT of space at this point.

I only spoke with her last night because I didn't want to entirely give up, but I know if it took her weeks or months to get back to me, I wouldn't be able to take her back at that point.  I was trying to make her aware of that, as well as other things that we could change.  I don't see anything wrong with trying to fight for what you believe in, particularly because I feel with all she has going on, her judgement is clouded.  But, I do know I can't give her any pressure at all whatsoever from here on out.  I don't feel like last night was pressure so much as making her aware that if she sticks with this choice, it is permanent, and we could fix things.

She never even gave us a chance to try and fix things.  And on top of that, like I said, she kept assuring me she loves me, misses me, etc.  She STILL does, which all the more makes me feel why I shouldn't give up entirely.  The biggest issue is all the other stuff she has going on outside of us, which I don't feel is a good reason to give up.

It would be different if things had been really bad between us, fell apart because of us, and her feelings for me changed.  But, they haven't.  And again, things were amazing right up until yesterday, where it was a complete 180 with her feelings on everything.  It was completely out of character for her, which makes me believe a lot of it is from stress.

I don't really have much hope, and I am planning to give her tons of space.  I really don't even know if I could do this anymore.  The thing is, while I know I am over-invested compared to her, I know she is invested as well, that her feelings for me are the same, that she constantly misses me every moment she isn't with me, etc.  The lack of investment isn't a feelings issue - it's that she has so much going on at once that she just can't invest as much into the relationship as she'd like.  But, I don't see that as a good reason to just walk away from something like this.

But anyway, like I said, I'm backing off hard at this point and working on detaching myself.  I am going to focus my energy and emotions on other things, but just not entirely give up here.  At least if I do talk to her every once in a while and don't entirely give up, I know I tried.  And maybe when she realizes I am fine giving her space to work on all her issues, she will realize things can work here.  A part of what she brought up as the issue is telling me she couldn't give me what I want right now, and that it wasn't fair to me.  But, I assured her that even if we can't have the relationship I want right now, she is the person I want, so if I have to be patient on things with her, I'd much rather do that than have nothing at all.

I really don't feel like she wanted the breakup either, but she just doesn't know how to handle everything going on right now.  She is very overwhelmed.  But, I guess we will see how things go in the days to come.

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

She never even gave us a chance to try and fix things.  And on top of that, like I said, she kept assuring me she loves me, misses me, etc.  She STILL does, which all the more makes me feel why I shouldn't give up entirely.  The biggest issue is all the other stuff she has going on outside of us, which I don't feel is a good reason to give up.

That's how you know her heart isn't in it the same way yours is. 

People who want to stay together will work to find a solution, not break up. She chose the latter instead. It doesn't matter if you don't feel she had good reasons to end it. She doesn't need your endorsement, and it's not up to you to decide what is a valid reason for her. 

It hurts a lot, but I don't think this was as sudden as you felt. She's been largely going along with things, it seems, but having doubts along the way. Unless she's a total sociopath, she didn't just wake up the other morning and decide she didn't want to break up. My guess is that she's been more reluctant than you realized, and all the times you've expressed your feelings on these issues accumulated into feeling overwhelmed by this relationship. 

I am sure she cares about you, but you need to back off and let her come to you now. You don't need to worry about "giving up" when she's already thrown in the towel. Don't make the mistake of assuming you need to show her you care; she already knows. What she is doing here is drawing a boundary with you. I get that you don't agree but you need to show her you hear her and respect her wishes. 

[d0nnivain]

Her stated reasons all boil down to she's not as into you are you are into her. 

She never made things FB "official" with you because she is not yet divorced yet.  She didn't move in with you because it's too soon & she's not divorced yet.  Announcing you on social media & living with you makes you Exhibit A in her divorce & gives her STBX more leverage to hold her up.  

She has physical health issues, job problems, money woes & an on going legal battle. . . then there is you simply you being there, all the time, every night IS pressure.  She can't escape you.  She can't get away. She doesn't have a moment's peace, to think.  You telling her that you won't accept her back in a few months time is also more pressure.  

She is making the right decision for her.  You are simply too much right now.   You have to leave her be.  As connected as you thought you were, she didn't feel connected.  She felt trapped, like she was going from an abusive marriage to a smothering relationship.   I agree with @ExpatInItaly  Do not chase this woman to show you care.  She knows how invested you are.  That is the problem.  If you try to show her how committed you are, it will backfire because you will cross into pest / stalker territory.  You don't sound like a bad guy so keep your dignity here & don't chase.  

I am truly sorry that you are hurting but I think you need this time to reflect on why you made everything so intense so fast.  Focus on your kids.  The right woman will come along but this not yet divorced woman with an already full plate was not her.  Be more circumspect  & cautious next time.  

Edited March 8, 2021 by d0nnivain

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

She has physical health issues, job problems, money woes & an on going legal battle. . .

Yes, and there you are wanting to announce to the world, introduce your children, and move in with her because you don’t want to waste any time. That is the very definition of pressure. 

I’m not saying this to be unkind, I just want you to understand how very important it is to take a step back right now. This woman needs time and space and rightfully so. She has a lot to deal with, she is not in a position right now to have any kind of relationship with a man. 

I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear. If it’s truly meant to be, she will come back to you... but, you need to give her the time and space she needs now to get her life in order. 

Edited March 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[PassionatelyCurious]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's how you know her heart isn't in it the same way yours is. 

People who want to stay together will work to find a solution, not break up. She chose the latter instead. It doesn't matter if you don't feel she had good reasons to end it. She doesn't need your endorsement, and it's not up to you to decide what is a valid reason for her. 

It hurts a lot, but I don't think this was as sudden as you felt. She's been largely going along with things, it seems, but having doubts along the way. Unless she's a total sociopath, she didn't just wake up the other morning and decide she didn't want to break up. My guess is that she's been more reluctant than you realized, and all the times you've expressed your feelings on these issues accumulated into feeling overwhelmed by this relationship. 

I am sure she cares about you, but you need to back off and let her come to you now. You don't need to worry about "giving up" when she's already thrown in the towel. Don't make the mistake of assuming you need to show her you care; she already knows. What she is doing here is drawing a boundary with you. I get that you don't agree but you need to show her you hear her and respect her wishes. 

I appreciate the feedback and understand what you're saying.  The only reason I think occasional talking would be good is because a part of her issue with me was she felt if she eased things back in the relationship so she had the time she needed to work on things, she thought I wouldn't be ok with that, that it wouldn't be fair to me, etc.  I tried to make it clear to her that it would be far preferable to losing her, and that now that I understand the depth of just how much she has to work on (the main things I was missing until yesterday was her personal emotional issues and boundary issues she needs to work on), I am more than willing to be patient with her and give her space.

I feel like the biggest obstacle for her and I at this point is her realizing I can back off of expectations in the relationship and still be ok with it.  So, if I don't communicate with her at all, how would I show her that?  That's why I was feeling the best I could do at this point is communicate with her once every rare while, tell her I hope she is doing ok, and no pressure at all, making it clear I am still here and am ok with stepping things back.

My thoughts were maybe once every couple of days, just checking in, tell her I hope she is doing ok, having a good day, whatever, and leave it at that.  I might include "I love you" at the end of it, so she doesn't feel like my feelings are dying out because of stepping back.  I think that was a part of the issue too, is she felt if she pulled back, not only would it hurt me and be unfair to me, but that it would cause me to withdraw emotionally.  So, I'm trying to figure out now how to give her that space, while reminding her I am still here for her and ok with how things are?  Would messaging once every couple days be too much?  I mean I figure unless her responses warrant a reply, I would just keep it as a very short response, or none at all if not necessary.  But, I don't want to vanish entirely, unless of course I stop getting responses, etc.  I don't see that happening though.  I mean even after she dropped my stuff off yesterday, she started messaging me within minutes of leaving.  I know she doesn't want to end this based on her actions and words.  She just feels overwhelmed and needs it to ease back with less pressure.  I can do this, I just have to make sure to find that balance, which is mostly easing off.

[d0nnivain]

In the context of a BU, when dumpers talk about how "unfair" something would be to the dumpee, that is code for I hate hurting your feelings but I really want you to go away.  It's a way for the dumper to show they aren't being cruel & intentionally hurting a nice person.  She's saving face in her own head, convincing herself that she's not being mean.  She doesn't want the guilt of hurting you.  It does not mean that she wants to stay connected.  

Sorry.   She's actually doing the right thing by not giving you false hope or stringing you along.  Let her go.  

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

I actually do talk to a counselor once every couple of months, mainly because of an abusive relationship I was in years ago.  I explained all of it to her.  Her feedback was quite a bit different than what I'm getting here.  She said so long as her and I are fine with the pace, we have every right to move it at whatever pace we want and are comfortable with.  She just said to make sure to keep into consideration the kids, future goals in the relationship and life in general, etc.

But your girlfriend was NOT fine with the pace but you kept ignoring it. 

You've pressured this woman left and right knowing she had difficulties saying 'no'. In a way you took advantage of her weakness to get what you wanted. You pressured her about social media, pressured her to make plans to live together, pressured her to push the relationship forward. Then you conveniently say she agreed of her free will to many things...?? She does not know how to use that *free will* remember?

I am sorry you are hurting, I know those first few days are torture. 

My best advice as a woman is to leave her alone. Keeping communication with her is only about letting you down easily. If there is ANY chances left for her to reconcilie with you it's by making yourself disappear. Simply psychology for woman, we cannot miss what's available to us 24/7, desperate and cligny is not attractive to us.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Search4twinflame said:

I feel like the biggest obstacle for her and I at this point is her realizing I can back off of expectations in the relationship and still be ok with it.  So, if I don't communicate with her at all, how would I show her that?  That's why I was feeling the best I could do at this point is communicate with her once every rare while, tell her I hope she is doing ok, and no pressure at all, making it clear I am still here and am ok with stepping things back.

You show her that you are able to back off of expectations by doing as she asks - giving her some time and space. 

I was in a similar position - he was finalizing his divorce, he thought he was ready to date when we met but later decided that he wasn’t ready... We parted ways and did not talk for a year and a half. I went on with my life, it was hard because I really liked him and I saw a future together but I respected his wishes. She knows that you are interested - if she wants to contact you, she has your number. My guy sent me and email a year and a half later, and we have now been together for five years. He says today - had we stayed together that first time, we would not be together today. He needed time and space to get his life in order. 

She knows what you want. She has your number. Let her use it. Show her that you can give her what she wants by giving her what she has asked for...

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, Search4twinflame said:

The only reason I think occasional talking would be good is because a part of her issue with me was she felt if she eased things back in the relationship so she had the time she needed to work on things, she thought I wouldn't be ok with that, that it wouldn't be fair to me, etc.  

This is her trying to break up with you while not being blunt and telling you that she doesn't want to continue seeing you. 

You're failing to read between the lines here. She doesn't want your patience at this point, or she would have asked for that rather than ending it - or at least jumped at the chance to continue dating while you backed off a bit and agreeed to wait while things stabilized for her. That's not what happened though. 

She is trying to preserve your feelings, and I'm sure she feels guilty for hurting you. But if she didn't want to this, well, she wouldn't have ended it. Don't be that guy who refuses to accept it. 

[PassionatelyCurious]

59 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Her stated reasons all boil down to she's not as into you are you are into her. 

She never made things FB "official" with you because she is not yet divorced yet.  She didn't move in with you because it's too soon & she's not divorced yet.  Announcing you on social media & living with you makes you Exhibit A in her divorce & gives her STBX more leverage to hold her up.  

She has physical health issues, job problems, money woes & an on going legal battle. . . then there is you simply you being there, all the time, every night IS pressure.  She can't escape you.  She can't get away. She doesn't have a moment's peace, to think.  You telling her that you won't accept her back in a few months time is also more pressure.  

She is making the right decision for her.  You are simply too much right now.   You have to leave her be.  As connected as you thought you were, she didn't feel connected.  She felt trapped, like she was going from an abusive marriage to a smothering relationship.   I agree with @ExpatInItaly  Do not chase this woman to show you care.  She knows how invested you are.  That is the problem.  If you try to show her how committed you are, it will backfire because you will cross into pest / stalker territory.  You don't sound like a bad guy so keep your dignity here & don't chase.  

I am truly sorry that you are hurting but I think you need this time to reflect on why you made everything so intense so fast.  Focus on your kids.  The right woman will come along but this not yet divorced woman with an already full plate was not her.  Be more circumspect  & cautious next time.  

I appreciate your feedback here.  A lot of what you wrote here I replied to already in the previous response.  Like I said in that post, my biggest issue currently is finding the balance between showing her I am ok with easing things back, and yet not entirely disappearing making it seem like I am pulling away entirely because she needs space.

Since you do seem to have a great head on your shoulders as far as dating, I would appreciate your feedback to what I posted in bold in that last message.  I know this is VERY delicate right now, and I don't want to screw it up.

As covered in that last post, I know she doesn't want to give up entirely either.  There are numerous examples:

1)  She messaged me minutes after dropping all my stuff off and kept trying to message me about how sorry she is and that she didn't want this (even though she was making this choice?).  She didn't stop messaging me until I made it clear to her she was giving me false hope.  At that point, she again reiterated that she didn't want this (which was making me feel like she somehow wanted me to try and fix this), apologized, and backed off.

2)  Last night, she flat out told me she knew she was going to regret this later on after she gets through all she is dealing with, but that she is just dealing with too much right now and wasn't sure when that could be.  She said "To be honest, this is hard, because it might take a couple months at best, but it could also take a year, maybe more at worst.  But, I know once I get to that point and things are better, I'm going to regret having given up on us."  .  That is when all the issues came up of how she felt that if we eased things back, it wouldn't be fair to me, that she felt a lot of pressure from the relationship, etc.  She also told me that she loved me, missed me, that she had absolutely no interest in anyone else but me, but had so much going that she felt she couldn't handle a relationship.

3)  The biggest part that makes me feel there is hope here is how things took a complete 180 overnight.  It went

I truly do feel if I back off a LOT, show her I am willing to but not entirely disappear, and show her I still do care, I feel there is a chance here.  

I am being realistic though and accepting that even with backing off a lot, she may still feel she can't even do this.  At least I can say I tried though.

[PassionatelyCurious]

40 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But your girlfriend was NOT fine with the pace but you kept ignoring it. 

You've pressured this woman left and right knowing she had difficulties saying 'no'. In a way you took advantage of her weakness to get what you wanted. You pressured her about social media, pressured her to make plans to live together, pressured her to push the relationship forward. Then you conveniently say she agreed of her free will to many things...?? She does not know how to use that *free will* remember?

I am sorry you are hurting, I know those first few days are torture. 

My best advice as a woman is to leave her alone. Keeping communication with her is only about letting you down easily. If there is ANY chances left for her to reconcilie with you it's by making yourself disappear. Simply psychology for woman, we cannot miss what's available to us 24/7, desperate and cligny is not attractive to us.

This is completely incorrect assumptions.  How did I pressure her without knowing she had issues with saying no?  I mean seriously, how is someone supposed to know what you want unless you ask for it??? 

And when you both want different things, what's your proposed solution?  I thought we were compromising.  I did not "take advantage of her weakness" because I didn't even know it existed.  That is highly presumptuous of you and flat out rude.  I'm very curious if you see people finding a middle ground on things they don't agree on, what you think they are supposed to do?  Now that I do know of her issues with saying no and the extent of all her other pressures, 

In fact, I ALWAYS made it clear to her how important her opinions were to me.  I would always ask what would make her happy, what she wanted, her needs, etc.  You are assuming I am an entirely different person than I am.  In fact, one of the things that was hard for her to get used to with me is having someone who genuinely cared about her opinion, feelings, wants, etc.  Like when I gave her flowers for the first time, she didn't even know how to react, because no one ever did that for her before.

So no, I am not some horrible, manipulative person who "took advantage of her weakness."  I asked for VERY little of her, and ALWAYS felt we were coming to a mutual agreement based on compromise.

---------

With that said, on another note, I do appreciate the advice of disappearing and not coming off as clingy here, which I'm sure I already have.  I just didn't want to disappear entirely, because if this were 100% done at this point and she were to reach out to me later on months or years later, I would never take her back.  I would have zero confidence in her and I.  I feel like if we aren't strong enough to work through this, even if it takes only talking once a week or so, then it wasn't meant to be.  I wouldn't trust someone who already left me once in the past.  I'd be concerned that the next time issues come up, she would walk away again.  On that note though, I'm not even sure if I can work through this now considering she already tried to walk away.  But, I'm going to just back off and not contact her, at least for a few days, and see if she reaches out to me.  If not, then yea, I will walk away.  But again, I am at least trying to show her here that the option to work on this is here.

[Versacehottie]

I'm confused, do you have two different screen names, participating as OP on the thread?  Love78 and Search4twinflame?  Odd.

Ok, well, here's the thing....in spite of saying that you guys are super communicative and in sync, you're actually NOT in sync, right?  I have a feeling that's because you are failing to 'read the moment" and truly assess the situation between you two.  It's almost like what you HOPE it to be that you are in LOVE with LOVE, becomes overly hopeful and you don't just see and appreciate it for where it's at. And there is a failure to ACCEPT where it is.

I have to say, I don't think you are totally at fault for being in this situation.  I think she's pretty much a love bomber and you are really looking like a rebound.  Her inability to say NO is getting you at lot of back and forth motion.  It seems like she is trying to REPLACE some of the outer trappings of a relationship (loving to be in love much like you do) without being ready or possibly as into you.   I actually think your therapist is wrong and trying to let you down easy and the majority (all?) of us are right.  We are all basically trying to tell you there is too much pressure on it.  All I can say on behalf of your therapist is he/she is probably concentrating on you & your needs & your ability to communicate (which you may be doing fine at or in the scope of what he/she knows better or improving) whereas to determine the relationship's potential, I think we are giving you much better advice. Your therapist won't really look out for the wellbeing of the relationship but of your wellbeing alone. I think that's what's happening with this part.

You are overthinking things with all of your thoughts post breakup.  Give her the space.  Don't hang on, proceed as if you are not together.  The fact that she said she might regret it is just more of the same that she is back and forth.  I also feel that with this information or "hope" that it will be but a minute and you will be back to "seeing what you can do" to move things along

Lastly, I will have to say, is that during my time on Loveshack, every single time I've read a post from a guy whose story reads like yours (similar in facts, the way the dynamic is and the way the woman and the guy is) it ends up the same (going nowhere).  Guys like you are a special breed (in all due respect) and when they tangle up with a woman like this it's a total mess. Don't keep debating this in your head or even if she allows talks.  Your BEST chance is to act like a man and walk away when she is undecided about you/not into you/not moving forward.  Clinging on is NOT the way to do it.  

Edited March 8, 2021 by Versacehottie

[SaraSays]

35 minutes ago, Search4twinflame said:

The biggest part that makes me feel there is hope here is how things took a complete 180 overnight

There's 1 instance where I feel this is ok - where a woman's safety is under threat, and she needs to buy time before leaving an abusive man for good, and needs him to be in the dark, in order that she stands the best chance of escaping successfully.

Assuming there was no feeling of  endangerment, it is often the case, sadly, that a performance is maintained right up until the detonation. I am sorry. I will never understand how people can be so duplicitious at the end of something that simply came to an end. Read a wide variety of breakup stories, and you'll see how common this is. Nothing would surprise me at this stage, I think, as I've read about people maintaining the ruse of going on holidays, getting married, the partner they were intending to breakup with moved country with kids in tow, or spent loads of money on something, only to have the rug pulled from underneath them hours or days days later.

I remember hearing how a lady spent a day making circa 20 fancy pastry desserts for her and her boyfriend to take to his friend's home for a dinner party with lots of her boyfriend's friends that evening. Music was playing, "I love you" had been said that day by each of them. Both were dolled-up, everything had come out of the oven, and she was glazing the pastries just prior to them leaving, and he walked into the kitchen and told her it was over. Out the door he walked. She never spoke to him ever again. He went on to write her a letter of apology for the way he handled it. She has never forgiven him as far as I know.

[Gaeta]

49 minutes ago, Search4twinflame said:

This is completely incorrect assumptions.  How did I pressure her without knowing she had issues with saying no?  I mean seriously, how is someone supposed to know what you want unless you ask for it??? 

The problem that I learned about tonight is that since she has such a hard time telling someone no in a relationship....

My apologies, I read your update too fast and missed it's something you did not  know until now. I was under a false impression you knew this from beginning.

 

[Gaeta]

46 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I'm confused, do you have two different screen names, participating as OP on the thread?

Usually participants do that so we don't check their history. 

OP: Your previous thread says you started dating her mid-January? That is 2 months ago. 

[ShyViolet]

OP, to be honest you sound very smothering.  It doesn't surprise me that this was too much for her and that she needed to end things.  Please respect what she has told you and leave this woman alone. If she does decide that she's ready to give it another chance, she knows where you find you.  But your previous approach of being too clingy and smothering clearly did not work, so it's time to stop doing that.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

I'm confused, do you have two different screen names, participating as OP on the thread?  Love78 and Search4twinflame?  Odd.

Ok, well, here's the thing....in spite of saying that you guys are super communicative and in sync, you're actually NOT in sync, right?  I have a feeling that's because you are failing to 'read the moment" and truly assess the situation between you two.  It's almost like what you HOPE it to be that you are in LOVE with LOVE, becomes overly hopeful and you don't just see and appreciate it for where it's at. And there is a failure to ACCEPT where it is.

I have to say, I don't think you are totally at fault for being in this situation.  I think she's pretty much a love bomber and you are really looking like a rebound.  Her inability to say NO is getting you at lot of back and forth motion.  It seems like she is trying to REPLACE some of the outer trappings of a relationship (loving to be in love much like you do) without being ready or possibly as into you.   I actually think your therapist is wrong and trying to let you down easy and the majority (all?) of us are right.  We are all basically trying to tell you there is too much pressure on it.  All I can say on behalf of your therapist is he/she is probably concentrating on you & your needs & your ability to communicate (which you may be doing fine at or in the scope of what he/she knows better or improving) whereas to determine the relationship's potential, I think we are giving you much better advice. Your therapist won't really look out for the wellbeing of the relationship but of your wellbeing alone. I think that's what's happening with this part.

You are overthinking things with all of your thoughts post breakup.  Give her the space.  Don't hang on, proceed as if you are not together.  The fact that she said she might regret it is just more of the same that she is back and forth.  I also feel that with this information or "hope" that it will be but a minute and you will be back to "seeing what you can do" to move things along

Lastly, I will have to say, is that during my time on Loveshack, every single time I've read a post from a guy whose story reads like yours (similar in facts, the way the dynamic is and the way the woman and the guy is) it ends up the same (going nowhere).  Guys like you are a special breed (in all due respect) and when they tangle up with a woman like this it's a total mess. Don't keep debating this in your head or even if she allows talks.  Your BEST chance is to act like a man and walk away when she is undecided about you/not into you/not moving forward.  Clinging on is NOT the way to do it.  

 

Yea, it’s very odd to me but I know that OP‘s username “search4twinflame” is an older one. I’ve seen them around a long time. So, he didn’t really change his name but it’s operating under two names.

 

I agree with VH that she may have participated a little too much and lead you on a bit, OP. I think  maybe part of her may have enjoyed the attention and the stability op seemed to provide, being out of her marriage/situation , maybe her self esteem needed  it or she was trying to replace some of the things that were there prior. But ultimately, there wasn’t enough interest there for her to balance out how highly interested you were and everything went tumbling. If you would have played it cooler and not have asked her to be official etc. could this have worked out or lasted a bit longer? I guess that’s the ultimate question. I certainly have my doubts. But honestly, the way you acted is a bit much for anyone at 5 mo and it does trigger someone to think they can do better or you are just trying to trap them and they flee etc. rightly or wrongly that is what way too much behavior too soon shows. And YES, this still applies even if they participate it it. because if you write her a sonnet on the second date she may say “aww, that is so sweet” because it is ! But “awww that is so sweet”  is incredibly different than  “awww, that’s so hot. I’m very attracted to you” which is what you, as a man, once 5 mo. But yes. I get it. You love love and you thought you found your’ twin flame’ You were excited. She turned out to not be. That sucks hard , but it’s okay. You’ll find her  

Edited March 8, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[PassionatelyCurious]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You show her that you are able to back off of expectations by doing as she asks - giving her some time and space. 

I was in a similar position - he was finalizing his divorce, he thought he was ready to date when we met but later decided that he wasn’t ready... We parted ways and did not talk for a year and a half. I went on with my life, it was hard because I really liked him and I saw a future together but I respected his wishes. She knows that you are interested - if she wants to contact you, she has your number. My guy sent me and email a year and a half later, and we have now been together for five years. He says today - had we stayed together that first time, we would not be together today. He needed time and space to get his life in order. 

She knows what you want. She has your number. Let her use it. Show her that you can give her what she wants by giving her what she has asked for...

Thanks so much for the feedback.  She already made it clear to me that once she is ready, she knows she is going to miss me and regret this decision, doesn't want anyone else, and doesn't feel she could find what we have between us ever again.  That is a part of what makes me feel there is at least a sliver of hope here.

Another part is that when we had our conversation last night, I made it clear to her that if she says yes to trying to work on this, literally the only thing I ask for is for us to be exclusive still.  Beyond that, everything else is up to her as far as the pace we take things.  I told her if she wants to say no, then I will respect that and walk away and never reach out to her again.  I told her if she wants to say no, I completely understand and did my best to make it clear that I just wanted to throw things out there for her to think about and see if she felt it could work.  She never said no, even when I assured her a few times that if she really thinks this won't work out in the long run, I would want her to say no to save us both the heartbreak and time.  She told me "I don't want to hurt you by making promises I can't keep.  I also don't want to say no though.  The best I can say is that I'd like to continue talking at this point and take things from there."  Based on what I know of her, that was genuine.  I really don't think she would waste my time or hers.  

My problem with breaking it off entirely though is like I mentioned in my previous post, if she completely gives up on us now, I'd have zero confidence in us later.  Plus, I figured it was at least worth a shot of easing things off as far as the pressure and seeing how she is with that.  As far as that though, I think like others already stated here, I need to just let her come to me.  I text her twice after our conversation last night, but I have not messaged her today, nor will I be.  If I were to message her, I'm going to wait at least a 4-5 days.  Maybe this Friday or Saturday, VERY casually.  Just say I hope she is doing good and hope she has a good weekend.  Not sure if I should remind her I love her, or leave that out of the message.  I feel like if I don't say I love you to her (which her and I always did), she might think I am pulling away because of the distance and feel like this won't work.  But, if I do tell her I love her, I feel like she might feel like that is pressure from me on her about us.  Like I said, I overthink everything, and not sure how to handle this.

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, Search4twinflame said:

Not sure if I should remind her I love her, or leave that out of the message.  I feel like if I don't say I love you to her (which her and I always did), she might think I am pulling away 

You're talking as if you're still in a relationship with her.  She broke up with you.

You should not still be texting her that you love her.  That's another example of being too smothering, right after the woman told you that she needs space.  She sounds confused, but the bottom line is that she wouldn't have broken up with you if she wanted to be with you now.  You need to accept that and do as she has asked, just give her that space.  

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, Search4twinflame said:

I need to just let her come to me.  I text her twice after our conversation last night, but I have not messaged her today, nor will I be.  If I were to message her, I'm going to wait at least a 4-5 days.  Maybe this Friday or Saturday, VERY casually.  Just say I hope she is doing good and hope she has a good weekend.  Not sure if I should remind her I love her, or leave that out of the message.

What part of this - since she told me she wanted space I have texted her twice, I’m going to wait 4-5days to text her again, and I think I’m going to tell her that I love her - is backing off, not pressuring the woman, and letting her come to you. Seriously.

You seem like a very nice man but you are 45 years old. You have had relationships before -  this is the kind of stuff that we read from 20 year olds in their first relationship... Live your life, focus on work, spend time with your children, have a beer with a friend... 

Give the woman some space. She is obviously confused right now and rightfully so - you two have gone way too far way too fast... Take a step back, let the dust settle, and leave her alone. You really do need to adopt the attitude - if it’s meant to be, it will be.

In other words, she can’t miss you if you are never gone. She has your number. She will contact you if/when she is ready. 

Edited March 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

In the beginning I don't think you pressured her intentionally. If you didn't know she has a hard time telling people no in a relationship you were just pushy because you were so excited.  Now that you know you need to back off even more. 

I know  you want to maintain some contact -- you say once per week (which is waaayyyy too much) -- because you know that if you there is no communication that it's more likely that you will not get back together.  Unfortunately that is what you have to do.  Once per week is too much for her at this juncture. Maybe she could tolerate an email or text once per month.   She needs a break from all men, from all dating.  She has to focus on herself & learn who she is as a single adult woman.  Until she does that she can't date you or anybody else.  

Problem is you want to hope & you are not getting it that she just wants you gone.  

Anything you do now, other than bow out entirely, will be construed by her as you being a pest that won't go away.  She will come to view you as an annoyance.   Because I recognize that you want to take an action, that you want to fix this, there is ONE small thing you can try but it requires great patience & faith on your part.  I question whether you have either & caution that it's unlikely to work but IMO it's your best shot. 

Send her a nice loving romantic card that you buy at the store.  Try to find one with the cliché about if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours.  If it does not it never was.   In the card write something along the lines of 

Letting you go is breaking my heart but I know I must.  You need time to figure out what I already know:  You are an extraordinary person & we're great together.  I hope you figure out what you need & that you find your way back to me.  

Love,  @Search4twinflame

Mail it to her through the post office with a stamp.  Do not hand deliver it.  For now you have to truly hear her & leave her alone as much as you don't want to. 

Edited March 8, 2021 by d0nnivain

[BaileyB]

^^^^ The card is a good idea. 

The key - a short and simple message letting her know that you are respecting her wishes, but that you are still interested and SHE can contact you when she is ready. You have said what you want to say, the ball is in her court.

Do NOT send her a long note telling her all your hopes and dreams, all your thoughts and feelings, all your worries and sadness. It’s too much. 

Keep it simple, and remember - this is about HER, not you. 

If she contacts you and tries to do the push-pull thing, “I’m not ready, but I don’t want to let go” - don’t engage with that. That is not the sign of an emotionally healthy woman. She needs to take this time for herself. She needs to get her life together. And you need to help her to do what she needs to do. IF you want to have a long term relationship with this woman, it is far more likely to be successful if you both take some time away from each other so that she can come to you from a place of strength - as a healthy, independent woman who has her life together and is ready to build a future with you.

And while you wait, you could make another appointment with the counsellor to talk about your anxiety and constant need for reassurance. Best wishes. 

Edited March 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

She told me with her divorce still ongoing

Sorry to hear this. Perhaps you dodged a bullet. Next time, slow down.

[Gaeta]

Search4twinflame: As per your history you started dating 2 months ago (not 5) and she told you since beginning that she was afraid to be in a relationship. At the time we all told you that a woman 8 months out of an 18 year abusive relationship needed time by herself, not a boyfriend. 

You really need to see this for what it is, and not for what you want it to be. I'd like to sugar-coat it but I can't. This is an 8 weeks relationship. Obviously she had an impact on you I recognize that but she is on a path to recovery and there is no place for you in her life at this time, not next week, not next month, probably not even next year. 

If you insist on keeping in touch she will eventually block you.