Love2Love78 Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 So, we're going on five months now. I know, it's still fairly new. However, I've dated over 100 women in my life (I'm 45), and I NEVER had chemistry like this with anyone. We have tons in common, same core values, can't get enough of each other, the sex is mind-blowing on both ends, and overall, in all my life, I've never had a connection even half as strong as this one. We spend every day together to at least some extent, even if just a couple hours at the end of our day. We spend the night over one or the others house every night as well. We both have a hard time sleeping when the other one isn't there. The kid intros happened three months into the relationship, and all has been great on that end as well. My kids love her and hers love me. My current dilemma is this... While she does seem to love me and have similar feelings, she wants to move things slower than me all the time. I feel a part of it is how bad her ex-husband was and how miserable she was with that. Regardless, it's really frustrating when I'm always the one wanting to progress faster than her. A large part of the reason why is because I feel like she is the woman I have searched for since I was about 14 and began looking for love. I am so excited that I finally found the woman of my dreams that I am anxious to build our future (and family) together. A list of some of the things I wanted to move faster on have been: - Wanting to make us "Facebook official" - Wanting to meet the kids - Wanting to move in together (we haven't yet, but she doesn't seem to really care when it happens, while I am anxious to live together) I know I should be happy with having found the woman of my dreams. However, like I said previously, I am just so anxious to start our future together. It really hurts when I feel like she doesn't care as much about it and is more hesitant about it. I don't know how to handle feeling like I am the one who cares more, wants more, is more confident in us, etc. The part that confuses me is there are so many things that make me feel like her feelings are mutual. Like when I leave her place in the mornings, within about 10-15mins, she will text me telling me "I miss you already" and reminding me how much she loves me. In addition, she is moving things along faster with me than she ever has with anyone else in her past. It's just that she is used to moving things VERY slow, and my pace used to be more similar to the things I mentioned above. I know in the past I jumped into things too soon with some people, but now that I truly feel I have the *right* person, I don't want to just take my sweet time getting to the point where her and I are living together and raising our family together. It hurts that I am so excited about it, yet I feel she just doesn't care as much. I have never been very good at throttling emotions. Breaking up would make no sense, as again, the relationship is amazing. It's just the pace thing that's an issue with us (and is hurting me in the process). I'm open to any suggestions any of you might have, as it is causing me tremendous pain at times feeling like her feelings aren't mutual, but I don't know how to handle it?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 You're putting far too much pressure on a new relationship, OP. I would also be pumping the brakes here. 5 months and you're trying to fast-forward? That would be a red flag to me, sorry to say. Her not wanting to move at the same pace as you is not your cue to dial up the pressure. It's your cue to take a hint and slow down. You are trying to cement your future with her when you two are still in the honeymoon phase. That isn't smart and places all sorts of unrealistic expectations on what is really only a budding relationship. You haven't even dated a year yet. Your talk of meeting the kids and moving in would strike me as desperate, if I'm being blunt. It comes across not as man who's sure of what he wants, but of a man who is insecure and trying to lock me into place without properly taking the time to get to know each other and let the relationship unfold more naturally. Stop letting your insecurities and fear control you, or you risk driving this relationship off a cliff. Explore why you have such diffculty regulating your emotions and don't look to another person to soothe your anxiety. This isn't about her; it's about you. Your relationship will become a casualty of your anxiety if you don't properly address your own issues. 12
Maldives Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 Understand how you'd feel hurt but you need to take a cue here from her. Slow down you will get there eventually realise even tho u two are so well connected you are still two people you and her. I would back off try and shift your thinking about this so you don't feel so let down just because she's not where your at. Respect her by taking a step back slowwwww down wheres the fire lol breathe 1
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You're putting far too much pressure on a new relationship, OP. I would also be pumping the brakes here. 5 months and you're trying to fast-forward? That would be a red flag to me, sorry to say. Her not wanting to move at the same pace as you is not your cue to dial up the pressure. It's your cue to take a hint and slow down. You are trying to cement your future with her when you two are still in the honeymoon phase. That isn't smart and places all sorts of unrealistic expectations on what is really only a budding relationship. You haven't even dated a year yet. Your talk of meeting the kids and moving in would strike me as desperate, if I'm being blunt. It comes across not as man who's sure of what he wants, but of a man who is insecure and trying to lock me into place without properly taking the time to get to know each other and let the relationship unfold more naturally. Stop letting your insecurities and fear control you, or you risk driving this relationship off a cliff. Explore why you have such diffculty regulating your emotions and don't look to another person to soothe your anxiety. This isn't about her; it's about you. Your relationship will become a casualty of your anxiety if you don't properly address your own issues. I appreciate the feedback, and I have been slowing down. I didn't say that I'm *not* slowing down, just that it hurts to do so because I feel I am more excited about building our family together than she is. The meeting of the kids has already happened. It's just it ended up happening later than I was hoping for. Not sure how a relationship unfolds "naturally"? I mean nature doesn't make you magically move in together. That takes discussions, planning, etc. The main aspects of progression of a relationship don't happen "naturally," but at the pace that the couple agrees to do so. I think a person's interpretation of "naturally" is very relative to the individual and their comfort zones. In all honesty, while I completely understand and agree that I do need to slow down, there is the other extreme as well, where things move so slow that you start to wonder if it's worth your time. I mean you seem to think that meeting the kids in under a year would be seen as "desperate." However, if someone were dating me for over a year and we still hadn't met each other's kids, I would completely lose interest, as it would be far, far too casual for me. I would feel that they lack so much confidence in us lasting that it wouldn't be worth my time. It's not fear or insecurities controlling me in the least bit. As I stated in my original post, it's excitement. The excitement of finding what I actually wanted, being 45 and not getting any younger, and being anxious to build our future together. My primary issue here is being ready and wanting things faster than she is. And sure, I know to many, they will see it as too fast, too soon, etc. Normally, I would agree. The dynamic of this relationship make me feel otherwise, or at least it used to. But, the more she shows apprehension, the more it gives me doubts and the more it makes me feel like I care far more about her than she does me. Ultimately, it just really sucks being so excited about building a future with someone who doesn't seem nearly as excited as you, but gives you enough signs that you don't want to walk away from it. I just worry that it will always be this way - that in 10 years from now, I will STILL be the one who loves her more, values the relationship more, etc. I don't see why time would ever make that shift, but I certainly could be wrong. Maybe it will just take her time to catch up.
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 7, 2021 Author Posted March 7, 2021 30 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said: Understand how you'd feel hurt but you need to take a cue here from her. Slow down you will get there eventually realise even tho u two are so well connected you are still two people you and her. I would back off try and shift your thinking about this so you don't feel so let down just because she's not where your at. Respect her by taking a step back slowwwww down wheres the fire lol breathe Thanks. I know I need to ease back and that it's the only way to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic. It's just like I said in the last reply I made here, I worry this is how it's always going to be, where I'm always the one caring more, feeling more, giving more, etc. The only thing that has made it a little easier to back off is knowing she doesn't want the same things yet. In knowing she doesn't want them, since I believe in balance in a relationship, it inevitably causes me to lose interest in those things too. But, it's really disheartening that a month ago, I could absolutely picture myself asking her to marry me within the next couple years, but now, I don't know anymore because I don't know if she will be there yet by then. I'm not really excited about our future anymore, as the thought of our differences currently just hurts too much. I know all of this probably sounds fairly stupid and that I should appreciate being with someone I am so compatible with. I most certainly do appreciate it. It just hurts always being several steps ahead of her, not knowing if she will ever catch up. 1
Maldives Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said: Thanks. I know I need to ease back and that it's the only way to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic. It's just like I said in the last reply I made here, I worry this is how it's always going to be, where I'm always the one caring more, feeling more, giving more, etc. The only thing that has made it a little easier to back off is knowing she doesn't want the same things yet. In knowing she doesn't want them, since I believe in balance in a relationship, it inevitably causes me to lose interest in those things too. But, it's really disheartening that a month ago, I could absolutely picture myself asking her to marry me within the next couple years, but now, I don't know anymore because I don't know if she will be there yet by then. I'm not really excited about our future anymore, as the thought of our differences currently just hurts too much. I know all of this probably sounds fairly stupid and that I should appreciate being with someone I am so compatible with. I most certainly do appreciate it. It just hurts always being several steps ahead of her, not knowing if she will ever catch up. No I get it the deeper you feel for someone the more these issues can hurt. Feelings are always changing maybe reassess and see how you feel Ina few months about this..see if it's passed or you feel indifferent or your ok about it or maybe your not. I'm a big believer of getting it off your chest and letting her know how you feel. It may rattle the relationship a little but keeping it in can even be worse. Sometimes expressing how you feel to that person's is like a pressure cooker valve turning letting the steam out it may actually be the actual act of telling her that makes you let go of the hurt and be ok with it Edited March 7, 2021 by Goodguy05 1
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 2 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: We spend every day together to at least some extent, even if just a couple hours at the end of our day. We spend the night over one or the others house every night as well. Whoa. This is way too much, way too soon. Too much time together. Step back and allow her to spend time with her kids, friends, family, work, etc. You're coming off as smothering and controlling. Unfortunately if you don't slow down, this has crash and burn written in all over it. 6
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: I appreciate the feedback, and I have been slowing down. I didn't say that I'm *not* slowing down, just that it hurts to do so because I feel I am more excited about building our family together than she is. My dude, this is problematic in and of itself. You have dated for 5 months. It's still early days. You shouldn't be trying to build a family with her yet. You are getting to know each other as partners, evaluating long-term compatbility, understanding how well you blend. What you call excitment comes across as desperation. Relax. You're getting way too far ahead of yourself here. Her wanting to move at a less intense pace is your big indication that she takes her time making big, life-changing decisions. She is more grounded and measured in her approach. It doesn't mean she isn't into you, so you need to quit personlizing that and being offended by it. Most adults are not going to be comfortable moving so quickly, whether you like it or not. Your instinct to rush and lock down a "family" with someone you've only dated 5 months is going to suffocate the life out of the relationship if you are not careful. You admit you have trouble regulating your emotions. Have you ever sought help for that? You seem to struggle with any shades of uncertainty and have very black-and-white thikning on this. Edited March 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 6
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 You need to back off & slow down, IMO. You have only known each other a very short time & you are already waaaaayyyyy ahead of yourselves. At 5 months IMO the kids shouldn't even know you are dating. You never should have met. No kid deserves to be broken up with if an adult relationship doesn't work out. I understand your point that you need to know a partner is all in & one of the ways that happens for you is to know the important people in each other's lives. But you are a dad. Think about your kids. What will emotionally happen to them if they get attached to some women in your life & then you break up? Do they really deserve that heartache? It's why you need to shield them. Nightly sleep overs are similarly bad. What are you teaching your impressionable kids about love, sexuality & marriage? It's all too fast. By letting your kids see you play house, you are saying to them that it's OK for them to move to a sexual relationship at lightening speed. I understand that kids' behavior is different from adult behavior but they aren't going to understand that. Instead they will see daddy as a hypocrite. Daddy & his friend can have early sex but they can't. That mixed message with undermine your authority as a role model for your kids. When they do as you do, they will get hurt, catch a disease or cause an unwanted pregnancy. Or are you going to be OK with your teenagers having sex this fast in a new dating relationship? Because you have intertwined your kids in this you must consider the consequences to them of every decision you make. Discussions about living together should not even begin until have you have been together one full year. For you to be pushing this now is far too soon. As the woman you are pushing, it would make me seriously question your decision making abilities. Pushing shows poor judgment. Your excitement reads as impatience & immaturity. I get that you are excited but you need to temper this. Otherwise you risk being seen as somebody with poor impulse control which is a negative. She may fear you are unreliable. You get soooo excited but is it sustainable? If I saw your behavior I'd think if he goes this fast in the beginning, he will grow bored just as easily & dump me for the next bright shiny new woman. I would have a great deal of difficulty trusting you. You said it yourself, her reluctance is cooling your ardor. That is more evidence that you have no substance & just do what feels right in the moment with no stamina for the tough stuff. Yes I know you are excited. You are caught up in how wonderful everything is but that is all the more reason to slow down. You are being carried along on a wave of emotion & sexual attraction. There is no thought, deliberate action or meaningful contemplation going on here. If you are truly committed, go at her pace. Show her you are in this for the long haul by being patient & understanding. 6
SaraSays Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 There is loads and loads of good advice above. Please look through those posts carefully, as the guidance is excellent. It feels like this could easily crash and burn, because of all of the pressure and anxiety you're bringing to it. New relationships are delicate, they're fragile, they can fall apart in the blink of an eye, even without the heaviness of this pressure and anxiety added on top, and you barely know each other... It doesn't feel like a fun, easy relationship. It feels like this woman is incidental to what you want; that she's not valued as an independent, fellow human at all. You're obsessing about fitting things into a relationship mould, rather than building something with this individual woman that she has an equal say in. It's hard to imagine why either of you would introduce kids prior to 4 seasons of knowing the person you hope to build a lasting relationship with. I wonder if any thought was given to the emotional wellbeing of the kids, to the importance of stability in their home, to the importance of role-modelling healthy relationship dynamics to them, to giving them time and space to try to grow a relationship with the other person... There's no way for your kids to love this other person, or vice-versa, as they're all still strangers. There's now no easy way for this woman, nor all kids involved, to ask for a night or 2 on their own, because you've all moved way too fast, without the required depth of history and time, so any sudden change is going to be interpreted dramatically as if the sky is falling, and be a miserable experience all around. This comment sets off alarm bells for me about this woman's wellbeing, as it feels like a last act, borne out of desperation, to try to reasssure a partner it's impossible to reassure, when they are complaining for the nth time about the pace. It isn't enough for you that she tell you she needs things to be different, so she has had to start bargaining on her past, to try to bring an end to you tormenting her about the pace. 6 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: she is moving things along faster with me than she ever has with anyone else in her past Please don't confuse pressure with affection. Any man who puts a woman under pressure about anything pertaining to her safety is a predator, and a risk to us. A man who cannot, through being genuine and decent, grow a deep relationship slowly over time, whereby a woman would want to live with him, is a danger to us. 1
NYAG Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 Yep, I've been guilty of trying to walk before I can run. Don't be a love bomber. Something worth working for is worth waiting for. If you rush you risk causing damage. Go at her pace and just enjoy the journey, it is not about the destination. What's the big deal with the Facebook relationship update? It feels like you're making a claim on her. Leave things be and just enjoy the fact you have found this person. 4
BaileyB Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: It hurts that I am so excited about it, yet I feel she just doesn't care as much. I have never been very good at throttling emotions. How do you keep from being hurt? You go at her pace, slow yourself down. Respectfully, this is your problem, not hers. You have decided that because she doesn’t want to sprint to the finish line with you, she doesn’t care as much? It doesn’t sound like that’s true at all. I’m not sure how you are personalizing it in this way. It sounds like she is being quite reasonable in how she is approaching the relationship. You are rushing things - you should not be sleeping over with each other every night at five months. It’s too much, too soon. You don’t want to be hurt? Well, this relationship is sure to fail if you rush things and follow your own agenda, dismissing her feelings, her concerns, and her wishes. Especially because there are children involved. Five months is too early to introduce the children, in my humble opinion. I’ve been there, done that. I didn’t sleep over when the child was there. We waited years to move in together. Not everyone is going to be as excited about this as you. It’s going to take them time to come together. You must give them time. Donnivain is absolutely correct, you show her you are in this for the long haul by being patient and respecting her wishes. Edited March 7, 2021 by BaileyB 4
Fletch Lives Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 It sounds like the relationship is good. Why are you so needy? I would just enjoy it 2
Versacehottie Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 It seems like you are focusing on "locking her" down when you already have her but just aren't truly appreciative of the stage/and moment you are in (letting it unfold naturally). You should focus on where you are and enjoy it. If you are meant to be together, nothing will change (in terms of losing her and your life together is already "started"). If you are really honest with yourself, I think you are anxious and look for reassurance by moving fast. In a way it's a bit of a bottomless pit (such as she does text you and say she misses you, but your overall feeling is that you aren't getting "enough"). It's false assurance to move fast as if it will "guarantee" the relationship more so. IMO, you are putting unnecessary pressure on it/her. If you are meant to be together forever, there is no rush. 4
BaileyB Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 7 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: I am just so anxious to start our future together. It really hurts when I feel like she doesn't care as much about it and is more hesitant about it. It’s not only about you. Again, I feel like she is hesitant because she is considering so many other things - including your children. And rightfully so. I will share, I was an adult when my mom passed away and my father found a new relationship very soon after. He was like you - eager to start a new life with this woman, anxious to bring things together. He put a lot of pressure on everyone to bring things together... and it backfired, badly. It took far longer for both families to come together because there was so much stress and there were so many hurt feelings... When I became involved with my partner, he had a son. My experience of being pressured to accept a relationship directly influenced the way I approached this new relationship. I respected their home, I respected their time - I visited but I did not stay over and I gave them lots of time together. We did not move in together for three years... even though, we were ready to move in sooner. His son was not. I agree with the comments above that this has everything to do with your own anxiety and your ability to self regulate your emotions. A few sessions with a counsellor may be very helpful, if you find that you are having a difficult time. It is important that you feel secure such that you can enjoy every stage of this relationship... I will say to you whatI say to many on this site - you will never regret waiting. You will most definitely regret rushing things and pressuring people to accept something they are not ready to accept. Take care. 3
Gaeta Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 What are you afraid of? You're 45 years old, you've lived before and had relationships before. You know there is no 'locking' someone down. It's not because you move in together that the relationship won't grow sour and you won't breaking up. You should also know that taking your time makes the best relationships and rushing into it always ends up with a crash & burn. So what you don't live together for a couple of years? You already spend all of your time together which is crazy at only 5 months dating. You are old enough to understand you are in the infatuation phase and it needs to pass before you make life changing decisions. You are excited about this woman but you barely have scratched the surface of who she is. You're on your way to suffocate this relationship. 4
ShyViolet Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 9 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: I know I should be happy with having found the woman of my dreams. However, like I said previously, I am just so anxious to start our future together. It really hurts when I feel like she doesn't care as much about it and is more hesitant about it. I don't know how to handle feeling like I am the one who cares more, wants more, is more confident in us, etc. She is moving at a perfectly normal pace for a relationship that's only been going on for 5 months. You are the one who is wanting to rush things in a way that is unhealthy and putting inappropriate pressure on her. I think it's completely unfair of you to say that she's acting like she "doesn't care" or is "hesitant". What about her actions show that she doesn't care? She spends every day and every night with you. As a matter of fact, some people would consider that a bit fast for only 5 months. But she's happily doing that. You keep saying that you are "anxious" to move in together and start your life together. That is unhealthy. It almost sounds desperate and overly needy. Stop putting so much undue pressure to rush things. You have this woman. She spends every day and every night with you. She just doesn't want to rush things too much. That's not too much to ask. You'll get to the point of moving in together when the time is right, but at five months this is not the time to be pushing that. This sounds like a great relationship, but you are going to sabotage it if you don't stop being unreasonable. 4
Miss Spider Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 (edited) You’re far more into her than she’s into you it seems like. Sorry, but in the past when a guy has been like super into me to this extent, it made my interest go down. But here’s the thing, I was usually not that interested in the first place for one reason or another. Relationships work best when both people are at a similar interest level with each other and roughly equal all things considered. Then there’s this synchronicity that makes things natural and comfortable and conducive to energy that creates a spark I hate to say it, but a person doesn’t feel this at five months( honey moon periodt) it is very difficult to ever get to that place where they will be. Things will probably always be a little off kilter and never on completely even footing. That’s not to say that you won’t if you stick around she won’t eventually acquiesce or that you won’t find you can’t corner her into something. However, it’s important to remember that sometimes people aren’t with you because they genuinely respect you or are genuinely into you. Sometimes it’s because you’re there and you won’t go away. (Or you’re the the only person who will put up with their **** haha) Edited March 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 6
Versacehottie Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 agreed, if you keep pushing, my guess if that her interest will go down. You are suffocating this. 3
Gaeta Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: You’re far more into her than she’s into you it seems like. She seems more grounded than him. Even if I was totally head over heels for a man I would never make plans to live with him and tangle our finances at 5 months dating + kids involved? that is pure craziness! OP you sound in love with love, how long were you single before meeting your girlfriend 6
Miss Spider Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: She seems more grounded than him. Even if I was totally head over heels for a man I would never make plans to live with him and tangle our finances at 5 months dating + kids involved? that is pure craziness! OP you sound in love with love, how long were you single before meeting your girlfriend It all sounds desperate, actually ( please don’t take it the wrong way. Just being frank)it’s like he thinks he’ll never be able to find another woman in her league so he needs to find a way to trap her so she doesn’t get away. No doubt she senses this and it’s a very big turn off. She’s not remotely on the same page 5
dramafreezone Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Love2Love78 said: So, we're going on five months now. I know, it's still fairly new. However, I've dated over 100 women in my life (I'm 45), and I NEVER had chemistry like this with anyone. We have tons in common, same core values, can't get enough of each other, the sex is mind-blowing on both ends, and overall, in all my life, I've never had a connection even half as strong as this one. We spend every day together to at least some extent, even if just a couple hours at the end of our day. We spend the night over one or the others house every night as well. We both have a hard time sleeping when the other one isn't there. The kid intros happened three months into the relationship, and all has been great on that end as well. My kids love her and hers love me. My current dilemma is this... While she does seem to love me and have similar feelings, she wants to move things slower than me all the time. I feel a part of it is how bad her ex-husband was and how miserable she was with that. Regardless, it's really frustrating when I'm always the one wanting to progress faster than her. A large part of the reason why is because I feel like she is the woman I have searched for since I was about 14 and began looking for love. I am so excited that I finally found the woman of my dreams that I am anxious to build our future (and family) together. A list of some of the things I wanted to move faster on have been: - Wanting to make us "Facebook official" - Wanting to meet the kids - Wanting to move in together (we haven't yet, but she doesn't seem to really care when it happens, while I am anxious to live together) I know I should be happy with having found the woman of my dreams. However, like I said previously, I am just so anxious to start our future together. It really hurts when I feel like she doesn't care as much about it and is more hesitant about it. I don't know how to handle feeling like I am the one who cares more, wants more, is more confident in us, etc. The part that confuses me is there are so many things that make me feel like her feelings are mutual. Like when I leave her place in the mornings, within about 10-15mins, she will text me telling me "I miss you already" and reminding me how much she loves me. In addition, she is moving things along faster with me than she ever has with anyone else in her past. It's just that she is used to moving things VERY slow, and my pace used to be more similar to the things I mentioned above. I know in the past I jumped into things too soon with some people, but now that I truly feel I have the *right* person, I don't want to just take my sweet time getting to the point where her and I are living together and raising our family together. It hurts that I am so excited about it, yet I feel she just doesn't care as much. I have never been very good at throttling emotions. Breaking up would make no sense, as again, the relationship is amazing. It's just the pace thing that's an issue with us (and is hurting me in the process). I'm open to any suggestions any of you might have, as it is causing me tremendous pain at times feeling like her feelings aren't mutual, but I don't know how to handle it? Why is all of this important to you? Are you scared of losing her? Do you have to show people that you have someone? What's the problem with just enjoying the other person and stayiing in the moment? So many people are in a race to get to a relationship and don't enjoy the courtship anymore. The fact that you think she's the woman of your dreams just makes enjoying every moment that much more important IMO. If she's dated a lot, she's dated enough to know the type of behavior that clingy guys demonstrate, and if she senses this she's going to turn her off. Just take it easy. Edited March 7, 2021 by dramafreezone 3
Author Love2Love78 Posted March 8, 2021 Author Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) UPDATE: Well, seems many of you were right and I screwed up here. She ended things with me today. She told me with her divorce still ongoing (he is dragging it out), her herniated discs (she has been having terrible headaches because of them being aggravated - ongoing for about six weeks now and a large part of why she can't focus on anything), her concerns for losing her job (because of missing so much work because of the herniated discs), and the fact that she still has a hard time speaking up for herself after the abusive relationship (has lots of self-work to do), that she isn't ready to be in a relationship yet. I don't want to lose this and am hoping she might change over the next few days, but I am completely devastated here. I know the best I can do is to leave her alone and give her space. I just don't want to lose her, not with the chemistry we have. We did have a talk later in the day (this evening), and seems like we are going to keep talking, see if there is some way to ease everything back with us, and not entirely give up here. It just threw me for a complete 180, where yesterday, she was talking about how great things are going with me and her kids, misses me all the time when I'm not there, etc., and then ends things today. I mean it's clear it's not so much us as the stress, but I know I haven't been helping it when she feels like I want progress she isn't ready for yet. With that said... To clarify a couple things here... There seems to be a common misconception here that I am "pressuring her" for things. That's not the case at all. We are simply very open with our communication, so whatever either of us wants, needs, etc., we talk about it and try to find a middle ground when we don't see eye-to-eye. The problem that I learned about tonight is that since she has such a hard time telling someone no in a relationship, she sometimes says yes, or agrees to compromises that she still isn't comfortable with. As far as her moving things much faster than she usually does, that had been entirely her decisions on 90% of it. Multiple things I didn't find out moved faster with us than others until after the fact. Very few of those things were because I asked for them specifically. There has been very little where I brought it up as an issue. Facebook came up as an issue merely because that's my venue to communicate with family and friends since we all live apart from one another. I wanted to show her off to friends and family, and it was disheartening to me that for whatever reason, she didn't want to do that yet, but no real reason as to why after months of us being together on a daily basis and all else I explained. So, I thought we found a middle ground, where after a few weeks, she would put me on there. I don't know why it should've been such a huge issue if she was truly as confident in us as she was claiming she was. But clearly, she wasn't. I thought we compromised and found a middle ground, but this was an example of where she did something she didn't necessarily want to do. As far as the kids and meeting them, there was again never any pressure. I simply communicated when I'd like to, she told me when she'd like to, so then we agreed three weekends from that time, we would move forward with kid intros. We just didn't see the point of continuing to delay it with how confident we were with us. We planned to make the children and building a foundation with them a gradual process, and mainly use that to gauge how to handle things. In addition, to clarify, this is NOT something I typically do. I had a bad habit years ago of moving things too fast with people and not getting to know them. It bit me BAD in the end a couple times, so I have normally moved MUCH slower in my pace these days. No one has met my children in four years now, and that woman was with me for a year, so yes, she met them. But since then, I've dated dozens of times, only a handful having made it past a first date (because I'm very picky). My current girlfriend knows all this, as again, we are very open with one another. My feelings for her are just much different and much stronger. The same on her end, which is why they have moved faster for her as well. It's just our paces are vastly different. I actually do talk to a counselor once every couple of months, mainly because of an abusive relationship I was in years ago. I explained all of it to her. Her feedback was quite a bit different than what I'm getting here. She said so long as her and I are fine with the pace, we have every right to move it at whatever pace we want and are comfortable with. She just said to make sure to keep into consideration the kids, future goals in the relationship and life in general, etc. But anyway, I am still completely shocked and devastated about today. With how things were going with us, the last thing I ever expected was for her to end things with us like that. I mean yes, we are going to continue talking and see how things go from there. But, I have very little confidence left after how quick she was to give up on us and how hesitant to give this a shot with easing things back. What confuses me most is she flat out said she still loves me and misses me like always, but is just adamant about that she can't handle a relationship at this point. The only reason we are continuing to talk is because I made it clear to her that when things change in a few months (the neck issues should be fixed by the doctor by then, and she will also have an attorney by then to take the stress of her divorce), she needs to realize that I wouldn't take her back. When she realized that this would be permanent if she stuck with this decision, it made her second-guess. In addition, she seemed to think that easing back on the pace would hurt me and not be fair to me. I had to clarify that after realizing how badly she needs it and why, I would be more than happy to give that to her. Certainly a better alternative than losing her altogether. The more I clarified things, the more she realized this wasn't exactly what she wanted. She flat out said she knows eventually, when she was in a better place, she would regret this. That was my sign this is still worth fighting for, but I know I need to be VERY gentle and give her LOTS of space at this point to have any hope. I guess this is a difficult situation, as she feels she can't give what she would like to in a relationship, but also doesn't want anyone else but me, still loves and misses me, and doesn't want to completely give up on us. I don't know the best way to handle it other than to give her space and assure her that I am fine easing things back. I don't have much confidence at this point though. I mean one friend keeps assuring me that with how severe her neck issues are, that pain can be clouding her judgement and messing her up. She has said a couple different times that the pain is so severe that she considered the notion that death might be better. So, I know just the pain alone is a HUGE thing for her to deal with. I just don't get throwing us away in the process. I feel like she took a very negative mindset on our relationship, projected that into the future of the relationship, and then said she couldn't handle a relationship because of what she was going through on top of all that. However, in my eyes, if a relationship is worth it, you find a way to get through, no matter what it takes. Hopefully, easing things back will keep me from losing her. I don't want to screw this up, but if she truly can't handle a relationship right now on any level whatsoever, then there won't be anything I can do. Considering the complete 180 on her part though, I'm hoping this is just from stress, pain, etc. Edited March 8, 2021 by Love2Love78
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2021 Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) You need to just leave her be now, OP. She's trying to let you down gently here, and saying all the things dumpers say when they know their dumpee is going tp be very hurt. You're over-invested and she's just not on the same page. I realize you are hurting but you need to listen to her and stop trying to convince her that she's not making the right choice. She knows her own mind better than you do, and you're not really showing her that you accept her free will to end things. Don't reach out to her. She knows where to find you if she genuinly wants to keep you in her life, and not just because she feels pressured to. Edited March 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 5
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