msvie Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 I new him for a couple of years before we began dating. At the time I was in a 5 year relationship that was going sour. He was an aquaintance of my then fiancee. I had and incling that he was interested in me, but I kept clear of him at that time. About 6 months after my break up I met with him, (I needed a favor relating to his profession). He invited me over quite a bit, he always took a lot of pride in cooking for me and he is an excellent cook. We started talking quite a bit still as friends but I could see quite clearly that he was interested in me. About 7 mths ago I went away on a trip and while away I picked up several messages from him proffessing his feelings for me. Stating that he cannot live the rest of his life feeling the way he does and not saying it to me. I was so impressed by his courage considering that I showed no romantic interest only friendship. All along I felt something for him but I wanted to give myself time. Anyhow, we started dating casually and then feelings just started to pour. However, there were some issues that I had with him. I felt that although I knew him casually I didn't know enough of him, for instance I had not met his family, nor his son (from a previous relationship). I mentioned these things to him and he said in time, so I let it go. Also, he worked A LOT, and the only times we saw each other was at night. That really bothered me. We had made a pact in the beginning that if anything bothered us we would address those issues right away and not let it fester. In addition to that, I started to realize that he was growing cold and distant over the last two months, particularly when we spoke over the phone. He mentioned to me that he is thinking about a future with me and that there was a growing uncertainty between us. He didn't believe that I felt for him the way I do, he seemed to be wanting me to prove myself to him without addressing his own issues. I could never seem to get throught to him, he would agree and say that there's something wrong with him, but not seek to change these things. I, in return, attempted to be more affectionate and loving and more understanding. Yet after feeling like it was going somewhere, we got into an argument over quality time I wanted to spend with him, and then he blew me away with an ultimatum: "I'm ready to start a family and that's what I feel with remove the uncertainty in our relationship". I was floored, I've always wanted my own family but I maintained that I would prefer to be married first. He wasn't even willing to consider that. I said no, I'm not ready to have a child, especially not the way our relationship is going and I don't feel the need to comprimise my priciples. We are both coming from broken homes and I would've thought he would understand my decision. He told me that he had loved me from the first moment he met me and he is NOW ready for a family. I asked him if he just wanted a family or if he wants one with me, because the later would require him to wait. I just wrote the LSAT and am applying to Law school he knows this. We have only been dating for 6 mths and I can't believe he asked this of me. To top it of he told me that he cannot go on with me if I don't comply with this request. I am sooo hurt, having come out of a very tumultuous relationship, I thought he would've been more supportive and less demanding. I tried to tell him that I too want kids and that it is not an impossibility, but not right now and he can't just give me an ultimatum. Then he said he has to think about it. I told him to think fast because I didn't do anything to deserve this and real love doesn't place unreasonable requests on you, it should flow naturally. I told him if he walks out the door without giving me an answer regarding us then not to look back because I wouldn't be here. Then he walked out the door and out of my life. Needless to say he hasn't even called, and I was crying profusely, practically hyperventilating. When he first brought the request to me he had sent me a text message saying he had never been as sorry in his whole life and that he loved me and didn't want to hurt me but now I have heard nothing from him and it's killing me. I keep telling myself to go on and not look back, but it hurts so much. I not only lost a love but also a very good friend. Finally the clencher, is that he told me he discussed this decision with a girlfriend of his and she told him he was being unfair to me. Yet he couldn't explain why he still is asking it, he just said he needs this. I just can't understand why! Why the rush, I wonder if he knew he that i would say no and he just asked to get out of the relationship, but I know he loves me. I can't understand a person wanting to go on without the person they love in their life if it is possible that I want to be with him too. Please help me understand.
Outcast Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 He has put his own desires before you. This means he would have been a bad deal as a permanent partner. Thank your lucky stars that you found out his true nature before you got stuck with him for life. He had absolutely no right to demand that you follow his wishes (after only 6 months) and to reject you because you wouldn't. Don't beat yourself up over this. Celebrate the fact that you dodged a bullet. Reread your own post. Would you want your sister or best friend to marry someone with all those issues? He's trouble waiting to happen. Move on, get your degree, and look for someone who considers your wishes to be at least as important as his own.
RecordProducer Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 What you can't see right now because you're blinded by love is that he doesn't love you. He just wants a child with you. He dated you because he wanted to use you as a uterus for his second child. Are you sure that everything is okay with his first son? No man who loves his GF will leave her because she doesn't want a child without even being married to him. He was playing with you all along and now he thinks the time for his request has come. God knows what he is hiding, but the fact that you felt he was kept all along is alarming. It sounds to me that he might even marry you just to divorce you when you have his baby. Can you talk to your ex about him? Perhaps he can tell you more about him.
d'Arthez Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Forget about the guy. He has displayed so many red flags. The putting an ultimatum on you after 6 months to marry and have his kids. The avoiding of meeting his family and kid (which you probably still have not met), his inability to see that his unreasonable requests (as identified by a girlfriend of his) may actually be perceived as unreasonable by you too. As if he cannot consider any position but his own. Now, the latter statement seems so obviously true, that any involvement with him, is almost begging for problems. Considering he is only an acquaintance of your ex-fiancee he probably does not know too much about him, or even avoided him quite a bit. You might try. Frankly whatever is the case, I cannot fathom one good rational reason to try to find out what the cause is, as it won't change a thing about him, nor about the "relationship" you had. Considering that he only understood things from his perspective, and not yours or anyone else, it is pointless to attribute love to him. He loved the things you did for them, because of the things, and not because of you.
Author msvie Posted October 18, 2005 Author Posted October 18, 2005 d'Arthez, You are sooo right! He is incapable of seeing anyone elses opinion but his own. I realise that now. I actually broke down and went to see him on Sunday and I feel like a fool for trying to talk some sense into him. He is to self absorbed to understand my perspective on anything. By the way he still professes this "undying love for me", but I don't think he knows what love is. You know what the joke is..... Some other woman will go for this. He will find that woman who will want a rushed family and I wish him the best at that. msvie
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