crappedmypantsthrice Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 I debated on whether to put this under dating or friendship, as I think it could go either way. But I'm going to stick with here for now. There is this guy friend (maybe, ergo point of this post) of mine who I've been out with a few times. There has definitely been romantic notions on occasion, whether by word or gesture. A kiss. A "You're beautiful." A valentines surprise. But, then...it doesn't really lead anywhere. We continue to talk regularly but...it's just hard to explain the dynamic. He says he considers us to be "just friends" but that's fine with him because the best relationships start as friendships....so maybe we get there, maybe we don't (His words, not mine) Which is perfectly fine. I'm going to be honest...I have pushed things a couple of times, when I have been feeling particularly amorous, I'll say. And, he has told me, in no uncertain terms...he doesn't want a friend with benefits. He doesn't want an f-buddy. Not just with me, with no one. Again, okay fine, it's kind of nice. But, then, like I said, these little romantic sparks pop up here and there. And he'll be talkative and flirtatious. But, then, a few days later...it's like pulling teeth trying to get him to talk. It's like he wants nothing to do with me. The point is....it doesn't really add up to much of a friendship. He doesn't want to have particularly deep conversations, he doesn't like to talk himself, he doesn't really ask much about me. He has told me that he doesn't really have any friends nearby. They are all out of state, back where he came from. He said no one really wants to spend time with him. Which makes me feel pretty awful, because....am I no one? But...he doesn't even ask me. Anytime he wants to go do something or go somewhere, he'll ask a couple of people he knows....but he never asks me. Aren't we supposed to be friends? Then, I'll ask him if he wants to go somewhere with me, and he'll say "I'm going to have to say no." with no explanation at all or rain check or anything. So, I'm just all sorts of confused. If I were giving advice, I'd say, "Oh he's just looking for a hookup or f-buddy" Except, I made that offer (classily, not in crude terms), and he said that he's not into that kind of thing. He says we're friends, but it doesn't feel like we're friends. He'll give inclinations that he might be looking for more, but nothing ever materializes. I don't want to have the "What are we?" conversation because it's so cliche and so cringeworthy. But, I don't really know how to explain to him that it doesn't really feel like we are anything. It's like we're a little bit of everything, but not fully much of anything. There is this phrase in football that a team with two quarterbacks has no quarterback. I feel like it's similar: a relationship with 3 or 4 dynamics really has no one solid dynamic. Any ideas on how to broach the subject? Or do I just let things continue to play out?
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 (edited) When you're confused it's because the person is a waste of your time. This guy wants nothing the question is why do you wait around? Edited March 6, 2021 by Gaeta 2
Wiseman2 Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 5 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said: I made that offer (classily, not in crude terms), and he said that he's not into that kind of thing. ideas on how to broach the subject? It sounds like you've already broached the subject and he just wants to be friends, not FWB, nor dating. Try stepping back a bit. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 (edited) Like said before... he’s not interested.... not even as f buddy... sorry. Especially if he respects you as a friend, he’s not sleep with you when he knows that’s all that will come from it . Find a a diff guy Edited March 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
basil67 Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 I think the problem is that your definition of friendship is too binary. You're comparing hanging out together/talking frequently vs not being friends at all. Thing is, a person can still be a friend and catch up, say, once a month over a coffee or lunch. How often do you see/contact your different female friends? 1
Interstellar Posted March 6, 2021 Posted March 6, 2021 Hallelujah! one of the rare times when a woman has high interest level on a guy...but, the stars aren’t aligned because he’s not interested in you.
Versacehottie Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 If I remember right, we've talked about this guy & you before...I'm afraid, there's not much to it. I don't think he's interested. I think if you continue to invest in him mentally and emotionally, you are just setting yourself up to be disappointed. I think it goes beyond "just letting things play out". I think you need to stop believing things will play out. I think you should totally step back so you have your real chance to meet someone who is not confused or uninterested in you. I feel like continuing to talk to him with the hope that someday it will happen and hanging onto to the belief that he believes friendships are the basis for a relationship and you have a friendship so you might have a chance is not helpful or productive for you. I think NO to broaching the subject. (i think you already did this; even him telling you where you two stand is a version of having already done this). I think also NO to letting it play out. It's not helpful too you. I think moving on is the right tactic. If he's interested deep down, and sees you moving on living your life and dating others, that has a tendency to kick people into gear (if there is anything there). I think that's a long shot but this strategy is a win-win for you which is what matters.. good luck 1
ShyViolet Posted March 7, 2021 Posted March 7, 2021 14 hours ago, crappedmypantsthrice said: Any ideas on how to broach the subject? Or do I just let things continue to play out? What would be the point of broaching the subject? All you need to do is read his behavior and the things he's been saying to you.... it's all pretty clear. He's not showing interest in dating you. He's ambivalent and indecisive about it. He straight out told you that he doesn't want to be a FWB or a F-buddy. And you've said that he's not even a good friend... he shows little interest in having conversations with you, he turns you down when you try to make plans to hang out. So what exactly is there to be confused about? He's not that into you. Not as a friend, not as a romantic partner, not sexually. 1
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