Isn't it a Pity? How does one get to the place where you can put your painful feelings aside and recognize how you might be hurting your partner?

March 5, 2021

Earlier today I uploaded the music video "Isn't it a Pity" by George Harrison to "The Song In Your Heart" thread. Beautiful song, the entire album really -- "All Things Must Pass."

Music is just so damn powerful, isn't it? I was listening to the song and album all morning, and it caused me to introspect in ways I never thought possible. How much hurt and pain I have caused the men (my partners) in my life without even realizing it at the time. Thinking only of myself and my own damn hurt. I have done this in virtually every important relationship I have ever had. Either walk away myself or push them away.

I wonder how many of us do the same, without even realizing it? Just like the words say:

How we break each other's hearts
And cause each other pain
How we take each other's love
Without thinking anymore
Forgetting to give back
Isn't it a pity?

Such powerful words.

I wish I had the answer and could confidently say that "next time" it will be different, but when you're in that moment, in those feelings and that emotion, it's not always so easy remaining rational enough to let go of your hurt and pain, and recognize how much your partner might also be hurting. How you have hurt them, perhaps without even realizing it.

It's so much easier to simply shove it all down and not deal with it. Pretend everything is fine. Pretend you're not hurting, pretend your partner is not hurting, and actually believe that to be true! Denial essentially.

So how does one get to that place? The place where you can put your painful feelings aside and recognize how you might be hurting your partner? How do you separate your hurt (the hurt your partner is causing) from the hurt you might be causing your partner? Whether consciously or unconsciously.

I created a thread a couple of months ago asking isn't it healthy that when your partner hurts you to feel like you want to hurt them back? Standing up for yourself? Not taking their or anyone's BS?

Virtually every poster who responded and everything I have read said no no no rise above your pain, your partner is hurting too, try to understand 'their' pain. That's 'healthier.'

What? Why should their feelings have more importance, more significance than your own feelings? But I don't think that's the right question to be asking either.

Anyway, I hope this is making some semblance of sense. And if so, can anyone relate? If so, please share your insight, I've been really struggling with this as of late.

Thanks guys. Peace and love.

Edited March 5, 2021 by poppyfields

March 5, 2021

I have no comment. But good stuff.

March 6, 2021

34 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I have no comment. But good stuff.

No worries, Alpaca, I know it's kind of deep, especially for a Friday afternoon, lol.

But it felt good writing it and if anyone feels inclined to chime in, I'd love to hear their thoughts.

It's all good, I'm working it out.

March 6, 2021

Hi Poppy. Thank you for sharing. These are some very rough but poignant thoughts. Forgive me if my post seems off because maybe I don’t 100% understand the situation. I don’t think I have experienced it exactly. But I have definitely hurt people and I understand the definitely understand the regret that comes with that. I think what you were talking about is a bit different though

I think it comes specifically from relationships that are very deep & intense. I’ve only had one of those and it was with my first ex who was deeply depressed. Sometimes, I almost felt like we just had a deeper relationship that no one but we could understand, but I know now that it just wasn’t healthy and we were both a little toxic for each other(Not bad people but he was just depressed and I was a young girl who was fickle and flighty and not understanding enough). I think the point is when it is a healthy relationship, you don’t get to that point where you’re having to fight back or put your own feelings aside and take the ‘high road’ because the person will either not ever put you in that place, OR whatever differences and disagreements can be worked out in a more civil way, with understanding and empathy. Very few relationships are perfect, but when only one person is doing that it can be very difficult. Another point is that not everybody can even be attracted to a healthy relationship. Like I said there’s a romantic element to that intensity. Some people romanticize that drama. Some just like it, in a sense. Not limited to, but I think it is more common if they were raised in dysfunction or they experienced a lot of dysfunction before. & that’s something that needs to be worked out before the rship, or they will probably find another ‘stormy’ relationship. Anyway, I think these are totally normal feelings to feel with some time and distance out of the situation. I think it’s a sign of growth when he recognize we could have acted in a better way with more empathy and understanding. But we aren’t perfect

Edited March 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

March 6, 2021

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's all good, I'm working it out.

Introspection is good. I typically get a bit deep in thought in general, sometimes it's best I reserve those thoughts for myself.

I think what you wrote though is really good and I hope others chime in.

March 6, 2021

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If someone lashes out at you, walking away is not the same as counter-attacking. It's preserving your peace of mind and dignity.

I finally responded to an email from my ex a few weeks ago, after not having answered in months, just to let him know yes, I'm all right, and I hadn't answered before because I was sad and disappointed.

He replied saying he was also sad and disappointed, then launched into a somewhat nonsensical rant, concluding with a vile, petty insult. Final nail in the coffin, and such a sorry way to end.

I let him know briefly what I thought of his pathetic behavior, said don't contact me anymore. Finally, I've closed the door completely.

I feel sorry for him, but I feel zero guilt about protecting myself against any further insult or injury. I feel very good about that.

March 6, 2021

23 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Hi Poppy. Thank you for sharing. These are some very rough but poignant thoughts. Forgive me if my post seems off because maybe I don’t 100% understand the situation. I don’t think I have experienced it exactly. But I have definitely hurt people and I understand the definitely understand the regret that comes with that. I think what you were talking about is a bit different though

I think it comes specifically from relationships that are very deep & intense. I’ve only had one of those and it was with my first ex who was deeply depressed. Sometimes, I almost felt like we just had a deeper relationship that no one but we could understand, but I know now that it just wasn’t healthy and we were both a little toxic for each other(Not bad people but he was just depressed and I was a young girl who was fickle and flighty and not understanding enough). I think the point is when it is a healthy relationship, you don’t get to that point where you’re having to fight back or put your own feelings aside and take the ‘high road’ because the person will either not ever put you in that place, OR whatever differences and disagreements can be worked out in a more civil way, with understanding and empathy. Very few relationships are perfect, but when only one person is doing that it can be very difficult. Another point is that not everybody can even be attracted to a healthy relationship. Like I said there’s a romantic element to that intensity. Some people romanticize that drama. Some just like it, in a sense. Not limited to, but I think it is more common if they were raised in dysfunction or they experienced a lot of dysfunction before. & that’s something that needs to be worked out before the rship, or they will probably find another ‘stormy’ relationship. Anyway, I think these are totally normal feelings to feel with some time and distance out of the situation. I think it’s a sign of growth when he recognize we could have acted in a better way with more empathy and understanding. But we aren’t perfect

shortskirts, thank you so much for this, it was quite insightful and I think there is a lot of truth in your words too. I think I may have to read it a few times to fully absorb it, but again really good stuff.

P.S. Changing topic (it's my thread so I can, lol), I am happy that things are going so well with your new boyfriend! Really nice to hear.

Edited March 6, 2021 by poppyfields

March 6, 2021

Thanks. I reread yours a few times and it really made me think. Because I know there are some dysfunctional things I am attracted to.

And I don’t really know where the line of how much of that or how much hurt is OK in the case of others when it comes to love. I guess what we can tolerate? It’s sad to think that.

It also makes me think of how much we hurt each other out of self-preservation or even without meaning to. I’ve done it a lot with insta-regret, but sometimes it takes time. I wonder ( and hope) these are some of the same thoughts your ex has had.

Edited March 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

March 6, 2021

11 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If someone lashes out at you, walking away is not the same as counter-attacking. It's preserving your peace of mind and dignity.

I finally responded to an email from my ex a few weeks ago, after not having answered in months, just to let him know yes, I'm all right, and I hadn't answered before because I was sad and disappointed.

He replied saying he was also sad and disappointed, then launched into a somewhat nonsensical rant, concluding with a vile, petty insult. Final nail in the coffin, and such a sorry way to end.

I let him know briefly what I thought of his pathetic behavior, said don't contact me anymore. Finally, I've closed the door completely.

I feel sorry for him, but I feel zero guilt about protecting myself against any further insult or injury. I feel very good about that.

Thanks Ruby, and I'm sorry things turned out the way they did with your ex. Like why couldn't he just have left it that you were both sad and disappointed but life goes on, the journey continues. Treasure the memories.

Re the bolded, that's where I want to be. My ex hurt me, but I know I hurt him too both during the course of our relationship and obviously the break up, and I feel a lot of guilt about that.

March 6, 2021

31 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

He replied saying he was also sad and disappointed, then launched into a somewhat nonsensical rant, concluding with a vile, petty insult.

Just wow

March 6, 2021

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

My ex hurt me, but I know I hurt him too both during the course of our relationship and obviously the break up, and I feel a lot of guilt about that.

Right after I broke up with him, I felt guilty for giving him a chance at all, for not being a better judge of character up front. But it's not my fault he started treating me badly. Eventually you'll be able to let all that go.

Edited March 6, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

March 6, 2021

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It also makes me think of how much we hurt each other out of self-preservation or even without meaning to. I’ve done it a lot with insta-regret, but sometimes it takes time. I wonder ( and hope) these are some of the same thoughts your ex has had.

Yes definitely! And yes I hope my ex is having same thoughts.

I don't know how "healthy" this is, but I hope someday soon to speak with him; I know breaking up was for the best, but I really do miss him.

I didn't go into it in my previous thread, but it didn't end very well, there was a lot of hurt on both sides.

March 6, 2021

Same here. I’m sure there was a lot of hurt on both sides - Which is why he looked for somebody new while he was still in the relationship, and that is bad by itself, but understandable. After all, I’ve done the same thing in the past, to other guys. Breakups are hard, and self reflection and introspection are even tougher and I just think that the main problem is always the ego. I myself have a big ego and that’s why I don’t take the breakup well. However, I know it was bound to happen and had been for a long time. When it eventually happened I was shocked nonetheless. I shouldn’t have been. But I was shocked.

March 6, 2021

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

Same here. I’m sure there was a lot of hurt on both sides - Which is why he looked for somebody new while he was still in the relationship, and that is bad by itself, but understandable. After all, I’ve done the same thing in the past, to other guys. Breakups are hard, and self reflection and introspection are even tougher and I just think that the main problem is always the ego. I myself have a big ego and that’s why I don’t take the breakup well. However, I know it was bound to happen and had been for a long time. When it eventually happened I was shocked nonetheless. I shouldn’t have been. But I was shocked.

Hi Pumpernickel, thanks for chiming in, but re the bolded, he wasn't looking for someone new while still in the relationship, we were engaged to be married, up until I ended it.

Our mutual friend (which is actually more his friend than mine - she is the girlfriend of one of his good friends) told me he got back on the app a few weeks after we split.

Just thought I would clarify that, because believe you me, if I thought he was looking for someone new while still in the relationship with me, I would NOT be feeling the emotions I am feeling now, that's for darn sure.

I agree with you about ego, which I think is why I felt a pang of jealousy when I first discovered he was talking to someone, but I'm over that now.

March 6, 2021

You got over it fast, though, which is good, but I wanna know how you did it?

March 6, 2021

23 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

You got over it fast, though, which is good, but I wanna know how you did it?

It was something Gaeta posted on my other thread that had a profound impact on my thought process.

>>There is only 1 poppyfields that generated a unique feeling in him, that will not repeat itself again. Also I doubt if he has sex with these women it will be like with you, he waited 2 months to be intimate with you, it meant something more than just sex with an online rebound.

And what others posted about how the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

That and I knew it was my ego, so I made the conscious decision to step away from my ego and realized why he needed to do it.

I ended it, and if HE had ended it, I might have done the same thing. It's classic rebound.

March 6, 2021

Not trying to judge, but I feel like people who jump right back into dating immediately after a breakup are so weak. You can't take a little time to be on your own and reflect on your mistakes, just have to fill your bottomless void with somebody, anybody? Gives me a big feeling of ick.

March 6, 2021

12 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Not trying to judge, but I feel like people who jump right back into dating immediately after a breakup are so weak. You can't take a little time to be on your own and reflect on your mistakes, just have to fill your bottomless void with somebody, anybody? Gives me a big feeling of ick.

I don't disagree with that, it's very true! But when someone is hurting, all they're thinking about is erasing that hurt, not reflecting on past mistakes. So it makes sense to me why it happens.

It never resolves the pain though, it only masks it temporarily. It's a temporary fix.

It took me awhile to realize this, which is why now I am taking the time. Introspecting and voicing my thoughts here for help in deciphering versus shoving it down like I used to masking the deep shame that sat at the core of my being like a poisoned pit.

Edited March 6, 2021 by poppyfields

March 6, 2021

I guess. I've learned that if you just feel the feelings, they pass pretty quickly. It's when you dodge and attempt to numb them with distractions that they linger for months or years.

March 6, 2021

2 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I guess. I've learned that if you just feel the feelings, they pass pretty quickly. It's when you dodge and attempt to numb them with distractions that they linger for months or years.

Absolutely!

March 6, 2021

28 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Not trying to judge, but I feel like people who jump right back into dating immediately after a breakup are so weak. You can't take a little time to be on your own and reflect on your mistakes, just have to fill your bottomless void with somebody, anybody? Gives me a big feeling of ick.

I agree 100% .. I had an ex that did something similar. After we broke up, he slept with a bunch of diff girls and he actually took it further, and he was pretty public about it... he would post statuses on Instagram that basically said how having feelings is bad and meaningless sex is way better etc. feelings aren’t worth it and then he started to date girl after girl after girl until he FINALLY got the hint he needed to take time and work on himself. His friend told he he said 5 months later and “I can’t have a healthy rship with anyone when I’m like this” He was an idiot in a lot of ways I didn’t feel jealous though . Honestly more embarrassed. It was sad... . I guess I am judging because I feel like these people are weak and they just are not the type of people that I would ever go for again. They are a type and I knew it going in. I don’t like men that even have that kind of mentality and luckily I have only been in rship with one of those.

Edited March 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

March 6, 2021

21 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Not trying to judge, but I feel like people who jump right back into dating immediately after a breakup are so weak. You can't take a little time to be on your own and reflect on your mistakes, just have to fill your bottomless void with somebody, anybody? Gives me a big feeling of ick.

it reminds me of actors and entertainers who get married immediately after a divorce, yikes.

March 6, 2021

On a lighter note, a friend's ex texted her again today. I'm sending her funny ex-bf memes. This one is so my ex lol

Edited March 6, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

March 6, 2021

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So how does one get to that place? The place where you can put your painful feelings aside and recognize how you might be hurting your partner? How do you separate your hurt (the hurt your partner is causing) from the hurt you might be causing your partner? Whether consciously or unconsciously.

I think you can only truly get to this point once you give up your fight and they give up theirs...whether that means you make a full commitment to stop hurting each other and be together or you realize you can't stop hurting each other and need to part ways

Once you're at a point where you stop defending your point and they do the same...then magical things happen

Because it's only at that point where you have nothing left to lose and nothing left to gain that you can finally put your axe down and they can do the same

I'm at that point with my now ex. We both acknowledged the relationship is over. The things we fought for, each other, our perspectives, our resentments...have all been been laid down to rest. We are at a point now where only the respect and raw love for each other remains. Tonight, we laid in bed cuddling. I told him I loved him and that I was sorry for everything I had done. I told him not to let anything I said in the past to stop him from doing the things that made him happy. I even told him I want him to find a woman who is okay with the situation I wasn't okay with. I told him to never stop finding the people/things that make him the most happy. And I meant every word of it.

I meant it because I finally laid down my sword, and do did he. There was no chance of a retaliatory attack. The war is over. The only thing that remains is the love we started off with but wasn't enough to carry us through.

Edited March 6, 2021 by Dis

March 6, 2021

16 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I wish I had the answer and could confidently say that "next time" it will be different, but when you're in that moment, in those feelings and that emotion, it's not always so easy remaining rational enough to let go of your hurt and pain, and recognize how much your partner might also be hurting. How you have hurt them, perhaps without even realizing it.

I realize the relationship ended quite recently, but have you been successful in recognizing how your actions (or lack thereof) may have hurt your ex-partner?

I know it took me some time and a lot of work because I couldn't see beyond the pain. Though, after enough time passed and we had spoken briefly several years later, I was able to acknowledge certain things that I was unable to prior.

I suppose that's par for the course on the road to self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others?

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Isn't it a Pity? How does one get to the place where you can put your painful feelings aside and recognize how you might be hurting your partner?

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