QuietRiot Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) I have a single female friend who hasn't been in a relationship for over a decade. So it would kind of make sense as to why she hardly gets anywhere with men. Most men, esp. around her age bracket, tend to want to move faster when it comes to being exclusive than what she wants. She complains that around 3 dates in, the guy starts thinking she is his girlfriend when it's not the case from her end. Like one time, she and him went to his friend's party, his friends were under the impression they were a couple and word got back to her that this was the case, and she had to clarify with him that it was not. Things didn't end well, and they parted ways. I have noticed that a lot of single women complain about how men want these ladies to be their "girlfriend", officially, with only a handful of dates in. But can you fault them for that? Some of these men have legitimate feelings of these ladies, but the ladies just don't want it. They just don't want to be exclusive as soon as men do. Maybe men tend to fall harder for their partners than the other way around, so that may be it....because with my friend, she said this guy said he "felt like a school boy" around her. I thought it was kind of sweet, but she found it off-putting...which is kind of sad. Edited March 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed ageist comments, unattributed claims of fact.
Wiseman2 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 13 minutes ago, QuietRiot said: She complains that around 3 dates in, A lot of people feel comfortable having the exclusive talk before or around the time things get physical/sexual. Since exclusive simply means not dating/having sex with others, it not that big a deal and people may be making smarter choices regarding STDs and especially Covid. 2
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 If she wants to date with no exclusivity she needs to say so early so the more serious daters can be aware. When she meets a man that turns her blood she will be glad to have exclusivity after 3 dates. 3
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 34 minutes ago, Gaeta said: When she meets a man that turns her blood she will be glad to have exclusivity after 3 dates. Agreed. At the moment, I guess she is still hoping for someone better to show up. 1
Alpacalia Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 I think there is some truth to what Gaeta said. But, I'd also reckon that picking the right partner is more of a priority than the rush of infatuation.
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, Alpaca said: I think there is some truth to what Gaeta said. But, I'd also reckon that picking the right partner is more of a priority than the rush of infatuation. But it may not be about only the rush of infatuation, maybe these guys are just not guys she sees a future with, so she doesn't want to be "locked down" by them. Exclusivity is, as Wiseman says, no big deal, just no sex with others, but to some, agreeing to exclusivity IS a big deal and they then make incorrect assumptions. 1
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, QuietRiot said: Like one time, she and him went to his friend's party, his friends were under the impression they were a couple and word got back to her that this was the case, and she had to clarify with him that it was not. Things didn't end well, and they parted ways. See, if she brought a man to a friend's party he might have interpreted it as she's into him and they have a thing. Maybe your friend acts like a 'girlfriend' that's why it sends the wrong message to these men. Most people will not introduce a date to their friends until a couple of months and exclusivity is established. She's not dated for over a decade, dating has changed a great deal in the past 15 years thanks (or no thanks) to online dating. Edited March 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed reference to deleted comment.
ShyViolet Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 If she didn't want to be considered his "girlfriend" then maybe she shouldn't have met his friends at that point. Being introduced to someone's friends is a bit of a step in a relationship and sends a certain message. 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 A lot of men at that age are looking for someone, anyone, to take care of them and clean up after them. That's a turn off. However, if a man that age has himself together and truly wants a quality relationship that benefits both parties, he shouldn't waste time on wishy washy women. 4
lurker74 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 I don't think men fall harder than women. I think men who get divorced have a higher likelihood of getting married quickly again afterward, but after a couple of years, I don't think falling is faster for either gender. As to your friend, I agree with @Gaeta. She should be making it abundantly clear that she is not exclusive. But so should the men. When I was dating around (been in a relationship for a bit over a year now), I made it very clear to the women I was with that they can date as much as they like (as would I) but that if we slept with each other, that was an indication to me that we'd be exclusive (I am not interested in sleeping with someone who is sleeping around). That caused some angst with a couple of the women that wanted to sleep with me because they knew it was a one-way door for me. So like 99.9% of things on LS, it comes down to communication (or in your friend's case, the lack thereof). 2
cleverusername Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) Sounds like she has commitment issues. Her problem wasn't even with the man who took her to the party and was on the date with, it was with the friends who labeled them as a couple? Jeez. He dodged a bullet. In a more universal sense, if you expect the man to take the lead you need to establish and communicate boundaries that he can work with. That means from the start, telling him you are/are not looking for a relationship, not 4 dates in telling him you have not intent of becoming exclusive. Edited March 5, 2021 by cleverusername
Author QuietRiot Posted March 5, 2021 Author Posted March 5, 2021 1 minute ago, cleverusername said: Sounds like she has commitment issues. Her problem wasn't even with the man who took her to the party and was on the date with, it was with the friends who labeled them as a couple? Jeez. He dodged a bullet. In a more universal sense, if you expect the man to take the lead you need to establish and communicate boundaries that he can work it. That means from the start, telling him you are/are not looking for a relationship, not 4 dates in telling him you have not intent of becoming exclusive. I think that's a problem with those independent women types. They get so hung up on that, even a remote hint at said guy expressing exclusivity will trigger her.
Alpacalia Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 17 minutes ago, QuietRiot said: I think that's a problem with those independent women types. They get so hung up on that, even a remote hint at said guy expressing exclusivity will trigger her. True. And, many women have been on the receiving end of men being "triggered" by the thought of commitment.
Fletch Lives Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 She's either not meeting the right men and not starting to fall for them, or she has issues.
Miss Spider Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) Is she online dating. Because most men on online dating are a bit desperate in my experience . They are on there looking to fill a slot ( no pun intended) in their life. Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
FMW Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 57 minutes ago, QuietRiot said: I think that's a problem with those independent women types. I certainly consider myself an independent woman (I don't want to marry again, or live together, I don't expect a guy to always pay for our dates, etc.), but I don't have a problem being with a guy and being called his girlfriend (other than the fact I'm 56 and boyfriend/girlfriend labels seem a bit silly at this age, but I'm not sure what a better term would be). Your friend seems to have some phobia or other issue that goes well beyond just being "independent". 2
Miss Spider Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) If you don’t want exclusivity or a relationship title with the person because you aren’t into them them quite enough, which I can definitely see being the case with some guys, doesn’t mean you have an issue or phobia Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
FMW Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: doesn’t mean you have an issue or phobia Of course not, but it sounds like he's saying his friend has a really strong reaction. Unless she only dates really needy guys I don't understand why they would call her their girlfriend without having some vibe from her that things are more than casual. And if she hears someone call her some guy's girlfriend, all she has to do is correct it and say they are just dating or friends. No need to make a big deal out of it. But maybe I don't get it, because I have never agreed to go as far as a third date with someone I wasn't feeling it with (dating just to be dating is really unappealing to me). I'm pretty open and straightforward with my level of interest. 1
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 1 hour ago, QuietRiot said: I think that's a problem with those independent women types. They get so hung up on that, even a remote hint at said guy expressing exclusivity will trigger her. *those* ? lol I am 55, consider myself independent, I don't need marriage or a man to live with me BUT I value exclusivity when I date someone and I prefer it earlier than later. 2
smackie9 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 Wow she must be real attractive/a real keeper if these guys are trying to nail her down after the 3rd date. The boards are filled with women whining about how the guy they are seeing won't put a title on what they are. 1
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