When partner doesn't accept kids.

[Ruby Slippers]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I feel that applies more to non-parent daters. If OP's boyfriend had children I doubt he'd find her children an annoyance. 

Yes, and the OP's boyfriend is a non-parent dater. As I said, I think a fellow single parent would be more sympathetic. I agree that single parents generally do better dating other single parents, and people without kids do better dating other people without kids. 

It's extremely unlikely that a non-parent bf/gf will ever love your kids the way you do. They're not their kids. But if both people have kids, they're more willing to make those parental compromises, since they're already making lots of compromise/sacrifices for their own kids. It doesn't change the game much, just adds more kids to the mix.

However, going from the freedom of single life to instant dad/mom is a major change, one that many single people will only tolerate at best. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Also wanted to add that even in a blended family, it's unlikely the partners will ever love the other person's kids as much as their own. I grew up in a blended family, and the way my dad showed preferential treatment to his own kids over my mom's from her first marriage was a source of conflict among us kids. Mom was more fair and balanced, but she still clearly resented the fact that his kids were more problematic than hers in certain ways - more demanding of financial assistance, for example. One of my dad's grown sons from his first marriage is still problematic, still gets handouts from my dad, and she remains resentful.

Edited March 5, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[LuvLY3]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Sounds like he's  been there got the t-shirt and doesn't want to go there again.

Yea it just sucks that he chose to date someone who has kids if that's not what he saw for himself which I have told him.. he clearly doesn't know what he is doing when it comes to dating and relationships and I have some decisions to make. 

[Ruby Slippers]

14 minutes ago, LuvLY3 said:

Yea it just sucks that he chose to date someone who has kids if that's not what he saw for himself which I have told him.. he clearly doesn't know what he is doing when it comes to dating and relationships and I have some decisions to make. 

I think one of the biggest human weaknesses is that so many people fail to consider the long-term ramifications of their decisions. It takes wisdom to be able to do that, which some people never really develop. 

But now YOU know to vet men carefully on this matter.

Edited March 5, 2021 by Ruby Slippers

[Allupinnit]

I would consider myself a good stepmom but I'd be lying if I didn't cringe every time I heard the ex's minivan pull up when we started dating.  And it doesn't make me a bad person, it's because steps first and foremost look at their partner's kids through the eyes of responsibility, not love like a bio parent does.

And yeah, I hadn't dated someone with such restrictions on his time and attention before.  The exW at the time dictated the kid schedule based around her work, too.  

It's def not for everyone but my H is worth it and my SD and I have a good, solid relationship now.  I know I'll never love her like her parents do but I resist the notion that it's expected beyond kindness and respect toward one another.  When she's with us I give her the time she needs with her dad and I often excuse myself to do other things I enjoy.

Since they already have a good, present father it sounds like your bf doesn't feel the need to slot himself into a stepdad role just yet, esp since you aren't married.  The comments need to stop, though.

[Miss Spider]

31 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I would consider myself a good stepmom but I'd be lying if I didn't cringe every time I heard the ex's minivan pull up when we started dating.  And it doesn't make me a bad person, it's because steps first and foremost look at their partner's kids through the eyes of responsibility, not love like a bio parent does.

And yeah, I hadn't dated someone with such restrictions on his time and attention before.  The exW at the time dictated the kid schedule based around her work, too.  

It's def not for everyone but my H is worth it and my SD and I have a good, solid relationship now.  I know I'll never love her like her parents do but I resist the notion that it's expected beyond kindness and respect toward one another.  When she's with us I give her the time she needs with her dad and I often excuse myself to do other things I enjoy.

Since they already have a good, present father it sounds like your bf doesn't feel the need to slot himself into a stepdad role just yet, esp since you aren't married.  The comments need to stop, though.

To me, that’s the problem with this. Not that he finds the kids exhausting sometimes. I don’t even know if it’s possible not to find other people‘s kids exhausting at some point lol.  But he lets that frustration show and says things like “I’m only tolerating them.” You don’t say to a parent you really want to stay in a relationship with. When people start talking to you crazy like that, to me it shows like they are kind of take it or leave it it with the relationship and don’t feel they have much to lose. That’s why you see people on such a good behavior at the beginning of the relationship. Then it starts to fall into stuff like this. I became disrespectful too when I just didn’t care about the person or the relationship that much anymore. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

To me, that’s the problem with this. Not that he finds the kids exhausting sometimes. I don’t even know if it’s possible not to find other people‘s kids exhausting at some point lol.  But he lets that frustration show and says things like “I’m only tolerating them.” You don’t say to a parent you really want to stay in a relationship with. 

I agree. When I was dating my ex who has grown kids, we talked about the future and I said that if things went well, eventually we'd have kids of our own and our kids and his kids would for all intents and purposes be treated like our kids. Of course I wouldn't be their mom, and they're adults so it would be a different relationship than I'd have with a young kid. But all kids would be given equal priority as part of the same family. 

His kids are pretty spoiled (his fault, really), and I had my opinions about that, but I never commented on that or his parenting unless he asked me directly what I thought.

[smackie9]

You want a man that will step into the doting stepfather role, he wants a relationship with the benefits of someone who doesn't have kids. You are incompatible because your expectations are not being fulfilled.

Here's a tip: never go by what they say to you...talk is cheap. Go by their actions/attitude. It's pretty damn clear he's looking at your kids as a hindrance. Yes he's a great guy...but for someone else.

Edited March 5, 2021 by smackie9

[Brooke02]

Your a package deal, your kids are #1. I think you did the right thing by telling him you need to reevaluate. Don’t stay because he doesn’t want to break things off, do what’s right for you & your kids.

Edited March 6, 2021 by Brooke02

[Mrin]

On 3/4/2021 at 3:13 PM, LuvLY3 said:

but since he is very inexperienced with kids I don't take too much "advice" from him.

I am a parent and I agree with much of what everybody has said... BUT I just want to call attention to what I quoted above. You also said that he had helped raise his ex's son so it does sound like he has some significant experience with kids. The son might have been older but it is experience nevertheless. He may be picking up on your attitude or perception of him in this way.

Which... If you don't respect his opinion on parenting and raising children then he's essentially powerless to be a party to your household. Which means he's on the receiving end of the rambunctious and loud behavior but doesn't have any standing with you to be a part of co-parenting the kids.

I've never been in that situation but I imagine it would suck. 

I have two girls. I dated a woman for roughly 6 years who had two boys. While her kids and my kids were approximately the same age they were night and day in demeanor. While I had tons of experience raising girls I had zero experience raising boys. My approach was very different. BUT one of the really important things she did when the relationship evolved was basically anoint me with co-parent powers and authority to the boys. Obviously that helped in taking a more active role in the running of the household. But implicit in that is also my assumption of responsibility of doing so. It made me part of the household rather than an interloper. And the funny thing is while the relationship is no longer I still talk to her boys all the time and tutor them weekly. I love them like they're my step-sons.

Anyhow, I don't know if this guy is right for you and your situation. But I would just urge you to take a look at how you perceive him and your mindset - whether it is with this guy or the next. Does that make sense?

Best of luck!

Mrin

[SumGuy]

On 3/4/2021 at 4:15 PM, LuvLY3 said:

....So today he made another comment about tolerating them and how wild my son is. I told him we need to take some time to reevaluate what we both want and need in our lives going forward. Can this work or am in just wasting my time and emotions?

Good move.  Surprised that he just doesn't get it after helping raise another child.   Seriously what does he expect?  You to say  he's right, you'll drop off the kids at an orphanage tomorrow so life will be easier.   It irks me to no end when people complain like he did, before someone denigrates your kids, they need to think about what their solution is, what they want you to do exactly?   That is if you agreed with him 100% what does he want you to do?  I seriously doubt he has any plan that is legal or what a decent human being would do.  I doubt he wants to, or that you would agree, that he gets to call all the shots on how they are raised.

Children deserve more than toleration from their guardians, they deserve love (especially at 8 or 9).   They will pick up on toleration, they will hear your discussions of them.  He will do a great job of making them feel like they are at fault for your relationship woes (without him ever saying a thing to them) because they will pick up on that he tolerates them, he sees you in spite of them.  How generous of him.   I'm certain living in that environment won't negatively impact your kids, not.

Ditch him...perhaps he will promise to change, but doubt he can.

[Calmandfocused]

14 hours ago, Mrin said:

I am a parent and I agree with much of what everybody has said... BUT I just want to call attention to what I quoted above. You also said that he had helped raise his ex's son so it does sound like he has some significant experience with kids. The son might have been older but it is experience nevertheless. He may be picking up on your attitude or perception of him in this way.

Which... If you don't respect his opinion on parenting and raising children then he's essentially powerless to be a party to your household. Which means he's on the receiving end of the rambunctious and loud behavior but doesn't have any standing with you to be a part of co-parenting the kids.

I've never been in that situation but I imagine it would suck. 

I have two girls. I dated a woman for roughly 6 years who had two boys. While her kids and my kids were approximately the same age they were night and day in demeanor. While I had tons of experience raising girls I had zero experience raising boys. My approach was very different. BUT one of the really important things she did when the relationship evolved was basically anoint me with co-parent powers and authority to the boys. Obviously that helped in taking a more active role in the running of the household. But implicit in that is also my assumption of responsibility of doing so. It made me part of the household rather than an interloper. And the funny thing is while the relationship is no longer I still talk to her boys all the time and tutor them weekly. I love them like they're my step-sons.

Anyhow, I don't know if this guy is right for you and your situation. But I would just urge you to take a look at how you perceive him and your mindset - whether it is with this guy or the next. Does that make sense?

Best of luck!

Mrin

Good on you Mrin! I think this is a wonderful example that you don’t have to be biologically related to children to bond with them. Sounds like you significantly impacted those boys lives in a good way and vice versa. It’s lovely that you’re still involved with them. 
 

I knew a woman years ago who had her step son continue stay with her every other weekend after her husband passed away. Bottom line was that she loved the child even though he wasn’t biologically  hers. 
 

Im a single mum of 2. When I meet potential suitors I make it clear that I don’t expect them to absolve the responsibility of my children in any way. What I do expect though is that they are willing and open to loving and accepting my children should our relationship progress...
 

Im not convinced that your bf is Op. I sense he wants you and only you. 

[Gaeta]

@LuvLY3: I had a thought for you yesterday. My brother's son turned 10 yo yesterday and I dropped gifts by. I didn't want to stay because of Covid restrictions but my nephew was allowed to have a b'day party with friends of his school bubble. So I get there and they're around 8 little monsters laughing, running, screaming of excitement  + the big husky participating. I thought to myself how I miss having a house full of life like this! My point is right now are the best years of your motherhood, don't let it be tinted by a boyfriend of 38 who's annoyed at children's energy. Boyfriends come and go, find one that will fully embrace the family life dynamic. There are plenty of men that will.

[LuvLY3]

16 hours ago, S2B said:

Why would you say you need time apart? Especially when he is purposely letting you know he doesn’t like your son.

Why didn’t you just say “it’s not working - I don’t intend to see you again”...?

He never said he didn't like my son.. he treats all of us very well and I would not tolerate anything less. It was more of brutally honest statements that to me lacked tact.. I know stepping into an instant family can be an adjustment and I agree with other posters that he probably shouldn't be making statements along those lines if he wants to continue in a relationship with me. I think I needed to be sure he understands what a relationship with a single mom entails and also can voice his feelings and concerns in a way that doesn't come off so abrasive. 

[spiderowl]

I think you may have problems with this guy in the future if you do decide to stay with him.  He appears to be tolerating your kids rather than bonding with them.  I suspect he will just find them more and more irritating as time goes on.  This is the 'honeymoon' period; if he is finding your kids are in the way now, it is not likely to get better.

I think you have done the right thing by reflecting on the relationship and whether this guy is right for you or not.  He does seem to want you but not the kids.  If things go bad, or it transpires that he has a temper (not always obvious at the beginning) you and your kids could suffer.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I would suggest not rushing into anything with him, keeping your lives separate and not moving in.  However things go then, you still have your independent home and the kids will not be disrupted.  He might, over a period of time, get more attached to the children, but then again he might not.

[Miss Peach]

I just went through this hoping it would get better. In my case the guy never had kids and feigned he didn't know what he was doing so I planned a ton of outings, gave him pointers, etc. But I got frustrated he didn't take any initiative on his own such as playing, starting conversation, etc. I got the sense he was really into me and just tolerated my kid. the ex also had issues with being alone too long so it felt like a competition for my attention. 

 

FWIW I had two other men in my life who were always childless. One treated my kid like his own and they still have a relationship. The other was like a big kid and was a big help to me. He did the same to nephews and other kids. I take this similar to animal people. Some people just like animals and others don't. Even if you love animals there is a different between petting a dog someone is walking and owning one.

[cyphorX]

 The answer is simple, he likes you, he may even love you, so he is willing to ride the clock until they grow up, so in 10 years he has you to himself. (actually more like 5 years because as teenagers they will be doing their own thing most of their waking hours).

[kendahke]

On 3/4/2021 at 4:15 PM, LuvLY3 said:

My bf is 38 divorced no biological kids of his own but helped to raise his ex's son who is now in his 20s. I have 2 kids who are 8 and 9. We have been dating for almost a year now and I feel like he doesn't accept my kids. He made it very clear he doesn't want kids of his own but I feel like if he isn't willing to accept the ones I already have then continuing with this relationship is pointless. He isn't mean to them. He plays with them and interacts with them when he comes to my house but he has made comments about how much work they are and how much they need me. A month or so ago this conversation came up and I told him i felt like he wasn't accepting of them and if not then why continue on and he basically said he cared about me and didn't want to end things. So today he made another comment about tolerating them and how wild my son is. I told him we need to take some time to reevaluate what we both want and need in our lives going forward. Can this work or am in just wasting my time and emotions?

Rein in any thoughts you have of you two growing old together. He's telling you indirectly that he doesn't want to rear anyone else's children with them.

He can be a pal you do hikes with or go grocery shopping with, but rule him out as husband material or SO/long term material. He ain't that one.

[kendahke]

On 3/7/2021 at 3:22 PM, LuvLY3 said:

He never said he didn't like my son.. he treats all of us very well and I would not tolerate anything less. It was more of brutally honest statements that to me lacked tact..

Yes he did. He just didn't say it directly to you. He has enough tact not to act ignorant enough to bust up the sex train.

[smackie9]

Ok this is what you can do...work out a compromise. If he doesn't want to be around the kids all that much, find out what he is OK with and not OK with, and just work around it. Then set time aside for your BF without the kids. He's just gonna have to see you less is all. He can come by when they are in bed, at school, outside playing, etc. When you are busy with the kids, he's gonna have to go find something else to do. See if that eases things.

Edited March 23, 2021 by smackie9