LuvLY3 Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 My bf is 38 divorced no biological kids of his own but helped to raise his ex's son who is now in his 20s. I have 2 kids who are 8 and 9. We have been dating for almost a year now and I feel like he doesn't accept my kids. He made it very clear he doesn't want kids of his own but I feel like if he isn't willing to accept the ones I already have then continuing with this relationship is pointless. He isn't mean to them. He plays with them and interacts with them when he comes to my house but he has made comments about how much work they are and how much they need me. A month or so ago this conversation came up and I told him i felt like he wasn't accepting of them and if not then why continue on and he basically said he cared about me and didn't want to end things. So today he made another comment about tolerating them and how wild my son is. I told him we need to take some time to reevaluate what we both want and need in our lives going forward. Can this work or am in just wasting my time and emotions?
Wiseman2 Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 16 minutes ago, LuvLY3 said: he has made comments about how much work they are and how much they need me. today he made another comment about tolerating them and how wild my son is. Put your kids first. His backhanded remarks indicate that he's not on board with them, so this is sort of stalled out. How is your co-parenting relationship with their father? If you were free of this man you could find a man with children or is at least somewhat more kid friendly. 2
Author LuvLY3 Posted March 4, 2021 Author Posted March 4, 2021 14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Put your kids first. His backhanded remarks indicate that he's not on board with them, so this is sort of stalled out. How is your co-parenting relationship with their father? If you were free of this man you could find a man with children or is at least somewhat more kid friendly. Yea.. he's a great guy.. we just want different things and lead different lives i guess.. My ex and I have an awesome co parenting relationship. We don't always agree but the communication is there so that helps. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 I don't know. I don't have bio kids so that may color my response. If he's nice to them but expresses that he's overwhelmed that doesn't sound terrible. You had pregnancy plus 8 years to warm up to how they are & what their needs are. After a year you would think he'd have some sense but obviously kids grow up & become more independent. As a non-kid person you may never get him to gush all over them but there is something to be said about kindness & respect. Before you discuss this issue with your BF again, take stock of what it is that you ideally want in a partner. If you want somebody who is going to be fully emotionally invested who just loves your kids as much as you do, he may not be your guy. But you need to know your own expectations & what would satisfy you before you start addressing this subject with him. So, what does a good BF look like relative to your children? Answer that & then you will know what to say to him to see if he's willing to meet your expectations. 6 1
Gaeta Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 45 minutes ago, LuvLY3 said: So today he made another comment about tolerating As a mom, I know this type of comment feels like a stab through the heart. I would not live like this especially your children are young so you're looking at years and years of him *tolerating* them? What will happen when they reach their teen years and they get a little resistant to your authority and you need to taxi them around and everything that involves raising teens. 4
basil67 Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 Kids are hard work and they do take a lot of our focus. And if a kid is "wild" this is going to be regular discussion among the carers. Heaven knows, our own son can drive us nutty at times. Discussing issues of child rearing doesn't mean that the parent isn't accepting of them....however I think it's worth digging in to what he's saying. With your son, does your partner discuss ways to try and help your son better manage his behaviour? Or does he tell you that your son is a rotten kid? And what was the full discussion about him 'tolerating' the kids?
Author LuvLY3 Posted March 4, 2021 Author Posted March 4, 2021 10 minutes ago, basil67 said: Kids are hard work and they do take a lot of our focus. And if a kid is "wild" this is going to be regular discussion among the carers. Heaven knows, our own son can drive us nutty at times. Discussing issues of child rearing doesn't mean that the parent isn't accepting of them....however I think it's worth digging in to what he's saying. With your son, does your partner discuss ways to try and help your son better manage his behaviour? Or does he tell you that your son is a rotten kid? And what was the full discussion about him 'tolerating' the kids? He has made comments along the lines of this is what I would do but since he is very inexperienced with kids I don't take too much "advice" from him.. he was explaining how much he cares about me by saying I tolerate being around your kids and it's enough to drive anyone crazy.. but my response to him are that my kids aren't better or worse than any other kids.. they fight with each other, laugh, and play and most of the time their volume level is set on high.. Lol.. for me the bigger picture is that this topic seems to be coming up monthly and I told him we need some kind of resolution.. i don't want to waste my time if he is never going to change his mind about my kids and I don't blame him if this isn't what he wants but I think he just needs to be honest with himself and me.
basil67 Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 2 minutes ago, LuvLY3 said: he was explaining how much he cares about me by saying I tolerate being around your kids and it's enough to drive anyone crazy Yeah, this is out of line. If he'd said "I love being part of a family, but boy, it can be tough being a parent at times" my response would be way different. You're doing the right thing in reassessing the relationship. 3
hippychick3 Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 I would definitely reconsider this relationship. Your kids are young and if he only just tolerates them after a year together, he’s not going to love them like they deserve to be loved by a potential stepfather. 1 1
Author LuvLY3 Posted March 4, 2021 Author Posted March 4, 2021 10 minutes ago, hippychick3 said: I would definitely reconsider this relationship. Your kids are young and if he only just tolerates them after a year together, he’s not going to love them like they deserve to be loved by a potential stepfather. Yes.. we are taking a break from seeing each other this weekend so I need to figure out if there's any way to make it work..
FMW Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 I don't have children, but I can't imagine choosing to be with someone who told me they "tolerate" mine. I'm not sure I would have made it past the first time it was said. Relationships have a lot of moving parts. Sometimes some of them move wonderfully with someone, but if there is just one part that doesn't function well it can bring the whole thing to a halt. If you want to be with someone you can integrate into your family, this guy probably isn't the one. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, he just isn't the guy for you. 1 1
Gaeta Posted March 4, 2021 Posted March 4, 2021 29 minutes ago, LuvLY3 said: Yes.. we are taking a break from seeing each other this weekend so I need to figure out if there's any way to make it work.. The way I see it it's up to him to figure it out. You and your children are a package, he takes it or he leaves it. You also cannot ask your children to not be *kids* and keep the volume down because of him. Kids are managed tightly all day long at school they can't come to a home that's run like a military reserve for the sake of the boyfriend. I can't imagine being with someone that's annoyed by children laughing & playing. 1
MsJayne Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 I have no kids, but I do like them, however when you have none of your own dating someone with kids can be tricky depending on the individual situation. I twice ended relationships because of this reason, even though I liked and got along well with my partners kids. In both situations there was a degree of hostility between the parents, so that was an issue for me, not something I wanted in my life, but more important than that was that in one of the scenarios I just felt that my partners entire existence evolved around his kids. Things like, we might have to cancel weekend plans because the kids needed their dad around for some reason, or date night would be cancelled because one of the kids needed to stay over at dads that night. Or the 15 year old daughter would ring her dad while we were out having lunch and ask him how much longer he was going to be because she wanted a lift to a friends house - so we would eat quick and leave.....that sort of thing. I had a girlfriend who would do the same thing, drop everything to go running after kids that were well past the age of needing their butts wiped. Your kids are young, so you have a lot of years of running after them and they have to be the most important people in your life, so if your BF isn't OK with being bottom of the priority list, I say you probably are wasting each others time. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) Wow he actually said that? Sounds to me he must be at breaking point or he has 0 fs to give about the relationship to say something so brutally honest ... Edited March 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
introverted1 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 Tread carefully. A partner who cannot welcome your kids into his heart is going to be hard to have a sustained relationship with. And parenting never stops - not when the kids are 18, not when they are 21, never. With luck, your kids become healthy, self-sufficient adults. But "stuff happens" and the idea that there will be a magical age when the kids will cease to be an issue is not grounded in reality. Plus, if the kids are aware of your bf's feelings (and kids are pretty astute, so I'd assume they are), they may never truly accept him. 5
Author LuvLY3 Posted March 5, 2021 Author Posted March 5, 2021 27 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Tread carefully. A partner who cannot welcome your kids into his heart is going to be hard to have a sustained relationship with. And parenting never stops - not when the kids are 18, not when they are 21, never. With luck, your kids become healthy, self-sufficient adults. But "stuff happens" and the idea that there will be a magical age when the kids will cease to be an issue is not grounded in reality. That's a good point!
Ruby Slippers Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 I think it would be hard to find a man without kids who would truly understand. I think a single dad is a better bet. I've only dated one man with grown kids, and while I never said anything like your guy did, I definitely felt that the occasion sacrifices and concessions they required - even as adults - were something I had to tolerate for the greater good. But I never would have told him that. If things had gone better between us, I would have done my best to embrace them as part of the whole package. 2
Acacia98 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 7 hours ago, LuvLY3 said: he was explaining how much he cares about me by saying I tolerate being around your kids and it's enough to drive anyone crazy.. Yeah. It's time to let him go. That "tolerate" bit is just so wrong. You don't want to be in a relationship where you're living together with this guy and more dependent on him. The passive aggressive statements about your kids will turn into something worse. 2
Fletch Lives Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 Kids are more little people to love you. Not everyone understands. 2
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 3 hours ago, S2B said: It’s not only up to him... the OP has a right to make decisions in the best interest of HER life and her future. this guy (since he doesn’t love the idea of kids) may not be the right match for her. She gets to decide who she dates and who she doesn’t date. I'm scratching my head why you interpreted my post that way. Of course she decides who she wants to date. What i'm saying is he's the one with the problem, OP can't change she's a parent so the boyfriend has got to get with the program or leave. And OP has to end the relationship if he doesn't get it. 2
Maldives Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 I was in a relationship with a woman with kids but I had none of my own funny I was about the same age as your bf too at the time 38 or 39. when I had gotten involved we lasted six yrs. I know where he's coming from about being overwhelmed doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You have to understand for him it's a huge responsibility. I wouldn't do it again no disrespect to you. I miss my ex's kids and wished things could have been different but the lifestyle I liked and led clashed wth someone else's kids. He is now attached to you and probably to the kids he just doesn't realise it fully. Try and work with him if you can I don't think no man even a man with kids is gonna fully take on your kids like you want in your own mind. Biologically they are yours not his try and differentiate that for a moment really think about that. my nephew for instance, I had a different kind of bond to my ex's kids cause he his from our bloodline I donno why I just did. From my heart everything all my assets will automatically be my nephew's I wouldn't put that forward with someone else's kids ever not before my nephew. Just trying to flesh out what I mean by biologically yours I think you know. 2 1
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 15 hours ago, LuvLY3 said: My bf is 38 divorced no biological kids of his own but helped to raise his ex's son who is now in his 20s Sounds like he's been there got the t-shirt and doesn't want to go there again. 15 hours ago, LuvLY3 said: A month or so ago this conversation came up and I told him i felt like he wasn't accepting of them and if not then why continue on and he basically said he cared about me and didn't want to end things. He is attached to only you and not your kids. I think that may be OK if your kids were already independent, but not when they are so young. I have a feeling a bf hanging about with their Mom and vying for her time, is the last thing they need. 1
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 I think it's another case of parents dating non-parents.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 6 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Kids are more little people to love you. Not everyone understands. That sounds very nice, but when they're not your kids, it's more like... responsibility, expense, limitations on free time, and other things that may feel like a burden to people who have no biological tie to the kids. 6
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2021 Posted March 5, 2021 17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: That sounds very nice, but when they're not your kids, it's more like... responsibility, expense, limitations on free time, and other things that may feel like a burden to people who have no biological tie to the kids. I feel that applies more to non-parent daters. If OP's boyfriend had children I doubt he'd find her children an annoyance. 1
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