heyitsmichele Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 HI guys. I dont know if any of you remember my story..but long story short I started seing a MM about two years ago, and we have a 3 month old baby together. Well..everything has been going very well. MM and I have worked out visitation and all that stuff UNTIL.....three days ago he called and told me that he had told his wife he wanted a divorce. So, he asked to move in with me. He told me that he had confessed his love for me to his wife, and that he wanted to start a relationship with me. I said Yes that he could move in....but then I really started thinking about things, and I realized that it is over between us. Too many lies...too much baggage. So he shows up at my door with his things, and his wife calls me and tells me how lucky I am to finally have what Ive always wanted. And I told her that I do love him, but not enough to handle all of this drama. I told him he couldnt stay with me, and that he needed to get his own place and figure out who he is ..and what he wants ..cuz he is one confused puppy. So..guess where he is now ...YOU GUESSED IT. .right back with his wife. OMFG. I guess I did the right thing. So, I decided to take the next step and I called his wife to ask if we could be friends. We are going to lunch tomorrow. I hope one day she really gets the strength to leave him, however I'm not going to pursuade her of anything. I figure one day they will be divorced...those are the odds anyways, and she will have the kids...and I want our kids to be close. I don't want to feel uncomfortable for the rest of my life when I see her in passing, or at birthday parties....She has two kids, and I want my daughter to have the chance to be close with them. This whole thing has just been the biggest mess! I am soooooooo nervous about meeting her. Any suggestions on how I should handle things ...what I should say.. ..??
megabit15 Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 OMFG is right. I'm thinking you made a good decision too. That is an awkward situation about the W. It's good that you are meeting her on neutral ground and in a public place. I think what you've expressed is just perfect. ...I want our kids to be close....She has two kids, and I want my daughter to have the chance to be close with them.This whole thing has just been the biggest mess! I think showing compassion for her by expressing sincere regret for your part in it without putting yourself down is appropriate. If she agrees to the children being friends, please be sure that her or possibly her children's resentment will not filter down destructively on your daughter. Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it goes, okay?
newbby Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 i completely agree with megabits advice. "I think showing compassion for her by expressing sincere regret for your part in it without putting yourself down is appropriate. "
Hot Coco Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 MM is SO screwed now that you will be allies/friend!. And the fact that she's agreed to meet you tells me that you WILL be. Stay cool, calm and collected though if she feels the need to get some things off her chest. I think your approach is perfect. Who knows, you might become friends to the point where you sometimes watch each others' kids (yup it can happen! H's ex-wife and I got to that point after awhile.) Good luck!
Author heyitsmichele Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 OMFG I survived. We were out to lunch for five whole hours. I was soooo freaked out before we met. I thought I was going to pass out. I am so much prettier than her LOL ...anyways. . We sat down, and I said .."here I am..right in front of you, go ahead and tell me anything you have on your mind." She was quiet. She is a really sweet and reserved person. I really liked her a lot, and I thought she was so sweet. Total opposite of what MM told me about her ...We got a LOT of things out . We found out all the lies he has been telling us for the past two years. LIES LIES LIES LIES> He needs help, so I definitely made the right decision not letting him move in three days ago. So now he is back with her telling her everything she wants to hear so she wont kick him out..when just three days ago he was over here telling me " I love you so much, I just want to be with you, I don't even care if we live in the back seat of my car" OMFG So it was really nice to get everything out and on the table. I wished her the best of luck with her marriage. I told her I am nobody to judge wether she stays with him or not. I apologized for any hurt I have caused her or the kids, and I told her that I want to make things right for our kids in the future, and that Iwant her to trust me. I told her regardless of wether or not her and MM are together I would never accept him back. So she calls him at work when we leave, and she tells him things we discussed..he FREAKS out. Now he has to fess up to all the lies right? lol so he tells W that I'm just trying to sabotage their marriage. He calls me and says "why do you have to tell her all those things ..those were things between you and I. Please stop " He said that he is going to spend the rest of his life making things right between W and Him. OMFG. So, three days ago he tells her he is in love with me, and when I tell him he cant move in, and that he needs to get his own place and deal with his divorce he runs right back to her and is now Husband of the year! OMFG. I called her and told her I have no intentions of ever sabotaging their marriage. I just want everyone to get along at this point. This is crazy, and I really do hope W and I can mend things. He has been hurting us both so much for two years, and I just want things to be good for our kids. Thanks everyone for the support. Geez I am in a mess ..where do I go from here??
moonlightlady Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Well, you are brave to see her. I hope you understand you are the one who did wrong by accepting the relationship with her husband ( he too, of course). As you saw, he is so selfish that as soon as you said he couldn´t stay by you he went back to his wife. Define clearly waht you want: him, a husband, the baby seing the brothers, what? Then , tell the wife what you want and let her decide. I think it´s her position. I´m sorry you have to face all these hard moments, but it seems you are quite clear on what you want. Good luck!
megabit15 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Sounds like hearing her side was a real eye opener. That is the best thing that could have happened for you. Congratulations Sweetie - it was a brave and mature action you and W took. I called her and told her I have no intentions of ever sabotaging their marriage. I just want everyone to get along at this point. This is crazy, and I really do hope W and I can mend things. He has been hurting us both so much for two years, and I just want things to be good for our kids. Thanks everyone for the support. Geez I am in a mess ..where do I go from here?? Hon - you're not in as much a mess as you were before. You got a good dose of reality yesterday, and are willing to leave him alone. A day at a time. You and W have opened the door to reality and positive possibilities for your children. The W will probably need some time to sort out what decision to make in regards to H. Step back a bit and give her some time. BTW-I saw your response to Cali - that was really nice of you.
slubberdegullion Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Megabit's exactly right, and you were very courageous in dealing with the situation. The kids are the unintended victims here, so anything that you and W can do to give them a supportive and caring environment is purely positive. Good work!
Author heyitsmichele Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 Thanks You guys are the sweetest!! Well now H is very upset that W and I are talking, and he's trying to convince W that I only have intentions to sabotage their relationship..and he even told her that if she continues to talk to me he will leave her. SO ...I am going to back off and let everything cool off. I don't know what else to do at this point. . Today he told me that he never has any intention of ever admitting the entire truth to her because he doesn't want to hurt her anymore ...but don't you guys think that if he really wants to fix his marriage then he would just come clean and start over?? So glad I didn't let him move in with me.. He prolly would have just moved right back with her anyways...ugh...I feel so stupid for ever caring for him, but at least I have my beautiful daughter
Hot Coco Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 My hunch is that no, he doesn't want to fix things in his marriage. That's why he doesn't like you two speaking to each other. You'll give away all his secrets! ha ha! It wouldn't surprise me one bit if he finds another OW. You were right to not let him move in. It's bad enough that you now have to have him in your life due to your child.
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