When you do you ask that dating apps are turned off

[kconleyk]

I have another post on here, in the being the other guy/person thread.    Never thought I'd post on here again but here I am looking for advice again.

Long story short, been out with a woman three times, she lives about 75 minutes away and has kids; I have a daughter who lives with me full time.   She was hesitant about the distance because we both know we are kind of glued to our area because of the kids, job, kids sports, school etc.   However, we decided to give it a go, and have two awesome dates.    We have really hit it off, and it's turned from messaging on an app to talking all day long through text, nightly phone calls, and planning future dates.  We have decided to see where things take us and then make a decision on the future and living arrangements, living area, etc, if we ever get to that level.

All this being said we met on a dating app, we are both still on that dating app, which is fine it's only been 2 dates.   She just got out of a long relationship, and said she has never really just been single and owes it to herself to stay on the app a least for a bit and not dive right back into something crazy serious and allow herself some time.

I am on the dating app too and still messaging other women, so I can't get upset and I understand her situation because I have been there.

She tells me how attracted to me she is, how hard she is crushing, how after the last few weeks if she doesn't hear from me for an hour or so, she misses me because we text and talk that much.

My question is at what point should I put my foot down and say if we see a future, we owe it to ourselves to try, and the dating apps have to go away, on my end and her end and we date exclusively?   I don't want to push her away, and I want her to have the space she needs, but from a females perspective at what point should I say I am not comfortable with the situation anymore and we need to move forward together or just mutually end it.

We already have two more dates planned, with more plans in the mix, I just bought a boat (used haha) and we have plans to go on it when it gets warmer, and have talked about more times we can see each other in the coming months.    She seems really into me, but also like she needs to be just single.  My arguement was don't miss out on something good because you think you need something, to follow her gut not her brain sometimes.    Regardless I am on the same dating app, so it's not like I am not doing the same thing she is.  I am just trying to figure out the healthy method of saying let's take this to the next level or this has run it's course because she doesn't want to be exclusive.

 

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

There is no putting your foot down.  This is a discussion not a command.  

You need to figure out what you want.  If you are ready to delete your profile & the app, do it.  Then talk to her by telling her the step you have taken & that you want to pursue this but you are not into multi-dating.  Ask how she feels about that.  Based on her reaction you will know what to do next.  You could leave it for a while longer (2 dates in is a little fast IMO) or you could walk if she won't agree.  

[kconleyk]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

There is no putting your foot down.  This is a discussion not a command.  

You need to figure out what you want.  If you are ready to delete your profile & the app, do it.  Then talk to her by telling her the step you have taken & that you want to pursue this but you are not into multi-dating.  Ask how she feels about that.  Based on her reaction you will know what to do next.  You could leave it for a while longer (2 dates in is a little fast IMO) or you could walk if she won't agree.  

I agree two dates is fast, but I also feel a weird connection to her after two dates, that I am not used to.   I guess more so I was just looking for what others consider a good time frame for that conversation, which isn't too soon, the other end of the things is at what point do you start feeling not good enough, if the person is saying how attracted to you they are and how much they are "crushing" on you, but still going on other dates.

[Fletch Lives]

It sounds like she's on the rebound and not ready to get serious. 

[kconleyk]

6 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

It sounds like she's on the rebound and not ready to get serious. 

She keeps saying just be patient with me and things will work out for us. 

 

Seems to be a weird statement

[Fletch Lives]

Yeah, and in a few months she's likely to rip your heart out of your chest when she says, "I don't want to be serious", or she finds a boyfriend.

[kconleyk]

1 minute ago, Fletch Lives said:

Yeah, and in a few months she's likely to rip your heart out of your chest when she says, "I don't want to be serious", or she finds a boyfriend.

Oh I wouldn't let it go on for a few months haha, I was thinking 3 more dates tops then she makes a decision or I'll make it for her 

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't take her words that seriously yet.  If she's saying be patient, you pushing her for a commitment this fast will backfire. 

I only ever dated one person seriously in this age of apps & OLD.  I ended up marrying him.  We did not meet on line but I knew he had a profile on Match.  Embarrassingly, I made a fake profile so I could read his profile.  I didn't contact him.  

That said, about a month in, before we were intimate I said something about liking where things were going & wanting to know where he stood.  I assure him I was fine with the status quo but that I would need to know we were exclusive before we had sex. I also disclosed that I had stopped multi=dating about a week after meeting him.  He immediately assured me that he had taken down his profile & that as far as he was concerned we were exclusive.  

The next day I checked using my fake profile.  Sure enough, he was off the site. I deleted the fake profile & never looked back.  Things progressed from there.  

[Fletch Lives]

43 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

 She just got out of a long relationship, and said she has never really just been single and owes it to herself to stay on the app a least for a bit and not dive right back into something crazy serious and allow herself some time.

This is a classic line by rebound people. It means she's not falling in love with you and probably never will. It can take years for people to get over a long relationship or marriage.

[kconleyk]

Just now, Fletch Lives said:

This is a classic line by rebound people. It means she's not falling in love with you and probably never will. It can take years for people to get over a long relationship or marriage.

I spoke wrong here, well didn't give enough info.   She got out of a long relationship in July, and by November was dating someone again for three months.   Which she calls a rebound, and now she is saying she doesn't want to fall into that again and wants to make sure she is ready and it's real not just first few dates excitement.  

[Fletch Lives]

That's fine, but keep in mind that people can have several rebound relationships, so this does not mean she's ready. 

[d0nnivain]

14 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

She got out of a long relationship in July, and by November was dating someone again for three months.   Which she calls a rebound, and now she is saying she doesn't want to fall into that again and wants to make sure she is ready and it's real not just first few dates excitement.  

Her request for your continued patience is some indication that she is still gun shy.  Do not press at this juncture.  

[expos4ever]

 I used to play the online dating game but now consider it to be harmful. And your question reveals one of the many deleterious aspects of this way of dating. The question of when the two parties should "turn off" the apps illustrates the unspoken truth lurking in the background - the parties may still be "looking for something better".

It may seem that I am trying to change the topic, but that is not my intent. I am merely pointing out that if we met each other in what I consider to be the much better face-to-face mode, I do not think these questions would even come up. More specifically, I assert that the very nature of the dating apps - and this how they produce so much disappointment - entices people to always be looking for someone better. This can happen when people meet in real life as well, but I am confident to a much lesser degree.

Thus endeth my marginally on-topic rant against dating apps.

[smackie9]

IMO play it by ear. I think you need to contain your excitement. Observe and try not to get ahead of yourself. You are starting to sound possessive. Relax, chill go with the flow. 

[introverted1]

I think you are more invested than she is. Go ahead and play it out, if that's what you are inclined to do, but if she is interested, she will cancel the app without you "putting your foot down."  The fact that she "owes it to herself to stay on the app a least for a bit and not dive right back into something" are words you should ignore at your own peril.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, kconleyk said:

 She just got out of a long relationship, and said she has never really just been single and owes it to herself to stay on the app a least for a bit and not dive right back into something crazy serious and allow herself some time.

Have you been listening? 

This woman isn't ready to be exclusive, she's recently single and wants to enjoy singlehood. You are putting your hopes on the wrong woman here. 

You sound ready for a serious relationship, I don't know why you think it's a good idea to date her. 

[ShyViolet]

You have been on two dates.  TWO DATES with this woman, and you are here asking at what point you should "put your foot down" and push for exclusivity.  This is not how a relationship is supposed to progress.  You are nowhere near the point that you should be worrying about this.  You are just getting to know this woman, and by the way she has made it clear to you that she is NOT going to be ready for exclusivity at least for a while.   Stop getting ahead of yourself and just get to know her.  Respect the boundaries that she has put up and listen to what she has said.

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This woman isn't ready to be exclusive, she's recently single and wants to enjoy singlehood. You are putting your hopes on the wrong woman here. 

You sound ready for a serious relationship, I don't know why you think it's a good idea to date her. 

There is no doubt in my mind that when this woman meets a man who knocks her socks off, she won't want to enjoy singlehood. 

I would bet my entire 401K on that!

Sadly, OP, I do not think you are that man.

Edited March 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[MsJayne]

I think you wait until you've had the "exclusive" discussion, which in a healthy relationship happens when you both feel you've got to know each other enough to know you're happy and don't want to keep looking.  You can't "put your foot down" because you're not her boss, but if you mean at what point should you give up on waiting for her to make up her mind, I say it's when you start to feel that she's just using you to fill a void until she meets someone more suitable. So, if you've been on ten dates and you've had a smooch and started moving into the phase where you become familiar and comfortable, and she still wants to stay on the app, you politely accept it and move on. 

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

There is no doubt in my mind that when this woman meets a man who knocks her socks off, she won't want to enjoy singlehood. 

Before she's emotionally available to this knock-off man she will go through several micro-relationships, she'll enjoy flirting, dates and sex before settling down. Coming out of a long term relationship where you don't even remember being single is an important change in one's life. 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Before she's emotionally available to this knock-off man she will go through several micro-relationships, she'll enjoy flirting, dates and sex before settling down. Coming out of a long term relationship where you don't even remember being single is an important change in one's life. 

I am not disputing that, but when a woman (or man) meets that "someone" with whom there is a high level attraction (mental, emotional, physical), I don't envision them pushing back or wanting to enjoy their singledom.  They won't, they will want to be with that person.

Should such person take the necessary time to reflect, yes absolutely, but realistically it's unlikely to happen that way.

In this case however, the OP is not that "someone" for this woman so yes she is going to come up with all sorts of plausible excuses why she's not "ready" for a relationship, when the reality is she is just not all that into him, enough to give up the freedom of seeing other men.

Sorry OP, just my opinion.

 

Edited March 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

She's made it very clear she's not interested in focusing on one man, but wants to dabble around and enjoy the attention of various men right now. 

In other words, she's fine to let however many men spend their precious time, energy, and money dating and entertaining her, while she continues to bring as many new men into the rotation as she likes. 

No way would I waste my time being a man in this woman's rotation of clowns. I'd only consider women who have the strength to be single long enough to heal from recent breakups. I'd consider her low quality and move on.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, kconleyk said:

I am on the dating app too and still messaging other women, so I can't get upset and I understand her situation because I have been there.

Ok, that's fine after 3 dates. If and when you feel ready to have the exclusive talk, you can do that. If she still gives you the 'playing the field' routine, just move forward to someone more ready, willing and able to have an exclusive dating situation/relationship with you.

[Uruktopi]

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You have been on two dates.  TWO DATES with this woman, and you are here asking at what point you should "put your foot down" and push for exclusivity.  This is not how a relationship is supposed to progress.  You are nowhere near the point that you should be worrying about this.  You are just getting to know this woman, and by the way she has made it clear to you that she is NOT going to be ready for exclusivity at least for a while.   Stop getting ahead of yourself and just get to know her.  Respect the boundaries that she has put up and listen to what she has said.

Agree to a certain point.

I would add that her making "it clear to you that she is NOT going to be ready for exclusivity at least for a while" is certainly part of  "to know her". 

Maybe even a knowledge enough for you to decide if to stay in such conditions or gently walk away.

Of course, never push for what the other want don´t want.

Of course, don´t settle for less than what you want

Edited March 4, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Gatti]

I’m a 39 year old female. Met a man online (still together) and I shut down my dating apps at around 3 months and he did too.  Slow down. I wanted to delete our apps real early too but I got good advice not to rush and he didn’t want to rush either.  It is wise for her not to rush face first into a serious relationship after what she’s gone through.