Was there something wrong with my message as a response to her voice message?

[Ruby Slippers]

From what I understand, if a person gets blocked too many times, they can get kicked off the site. So I think it's very rude to block for anything other than bad behavior - which giving a phone number too early is not. 

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

From what I understand, if a person gets blocked too many times, they can get kicked off the site. So I think it's very rude to block for anything other than bad behavior - which giving a phone number too early is not. 

Well, I do agree she has an attitude problem, but in her defense re blocking, and speaking from experience, whenever I did not block, I would often have the same men messaging me, ad nauseum, either trying to change my mind, or just being obnoxious.

I recall one man messaging me no less than 20 times nearly begging me to meet him.

That's when I learned to simply block.

In any event, regardless of whether or not this chick has a bad attitude, max created this thread asking what he said to turn this chick off, and right or wrong, I gave him my opinion.

He did not ask if this girl had an attitude problem.

 

 

Edited March 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

The woman in question seems burned out from online dating and appears to have had a few negative experiences, which is no reflection on you.

[max3732]

46 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Exactly Ruby, "exchanging a number of messages."

Here, his very first message turned her off.  That's all she had to go on, that one message.

It turned her off, so she blocked, I would have done the same thing, and have!  Maybe not for the same reason, but that's why I said that first message is so important.

It was a way to pique her interest and it didn't.  So in her mind, next.

I don't get why she is being negatively judged for that.

 

Normally I wouldn't put my number that quickly, but she said a lot of guys don't ever want to talk to her or meet up so I figured if I gave my number she'd give hers and we could talk. I guess just inserting the line "What's yours? I'll give you a call" would have solved the problem. I just thought that giving my number was the same as asking for hers. When I've been out with friends (other guys) a lot of times one of us will give our number and then the other texts right away so we have each other's contact info.

I have right on the app I'm looking for marriage (there's a choice for "something casual", "dating" or "marriage"). 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

I thought that was a bit negative, but decided to message her back. I said something like "Sorry you've had that kind of experience with guys. My ego definitely doesn't need any help. I'd love to talk to you and meet up if we're a good match. Here's my #".

You know what max?  That message was very sweet, I would have replied back!  And I am extremely picky!  But that was nice.

I may not have called, but I would have messaged back for sure (assuming I liked your pic ),

I am now agreeing with the others, it wasn't you.

Edited March 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, max3732 said:

On this dating app I matched with someone that looked like a great match from her bio and pics. Instead of sending a text she sent a voice message as a 2nd message as an answer to my question. In her message she said something like "a lot of guys here seem to want me to stroke their ego or are only interested in texting and not actually talking to me and meeting so I don't know why I'm even on here".

I thought that was a bit negative, but decided to message her back. I said something like "Sorry you've had that kind of experience with guys. My ego definitely doesn't need any help. I'd love to talk to you and meet up if we're a good match. Here's my #".

Next thing I know she's blocked me.

I was tempted to just say "I'm not like those guys. Let's chat" and give my number but I thought it would be interesting/fun to put something else in the message. This gets me so frustrated. Even when I match with someone I can't get into a conversation or meet to see if there's chemistry. I wish I could see someone over time and slowly build attraction.

Was there something wrong with my message? What should I have said if there was?

I think your message was fine, very nice, actually.  And I am in the camp that prefers it when a man offers his number. It shows me he's letting me have the option of calling him without revealing my number.  I don't take this path - I usually offer mine in exchange - but the gesture is nice.

@max3732 I don't think you did anything wrong. It sounds like she's carrying some baggage and/or is burnt out.  Better luck with the next one!

[Trail Blazer]

Max, you did nothing wrong.  That chick has issues.  Just accept that some people are damaged/weird and there's no sense to their behavior.

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

You know what max?  That message was very sweet, I would have replied back!  And I am extremely picky!  But that was nice.

I may not have called, but I would have messaged back for sure (assuming I liked your pic ),

I am now agreeing with the others, it wasn't you.

I both agreed and disagreed with you at the same time. 

Your reasoning for why she blocked Max was probably as close to on the mark as one could get.

However, Max's response was perfect for any normal, well-adjusted woman to appreciate. 

I'm glad you also agree now.

 

Edited March 3, 2021 by Trail Blazer

[SaraSays]

31 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

And I am in the camp that prefers it when a man offers his number. It shows me he's letting me have the option of calling him without revealing my number.  I don't take this path - I usually offer mine in exchange - but the gesture is nice.

Me too. I don't get involved with internet dating, but whenever someone has sent over, or left, a note with their number on it, or handed me it before they've left, I've loved it. It's much safer, and puts me under no pressure to get in touch, should I not want to. I find it the most respectful, considerate way to show interest in me, without intruding on whatever I am in the place already doing.

[basil67]

I think this was a double fail. 

If I'd been in your shoes and received that negative message, I would have dropped her then and there.   

That said, many women want the man to call them.  I don't necessarily agree with these prescribed gender roles, but it is what it is.  You would have been better to ask for her number so that you can call her.   Some have mentioned the safety aspect of giving your number and this makes good sense when she's at an event or in a workplace, but as she's behind a wall on the internet, she is in complete control of her own safety, so I would say that these concerns don't apply.   

 

Edited March 3, 2021 by basil67

[SumGuy]

@max3732  In my view you are overthinking this.  Your message was fine, seriously if that was enough to say next for her then she is reading way to much into things or she really was never interested.   I mean unless you want an uptight person.   

Thing is with uptight folks damned if you do dammed if you don't, you have know idea if asking for her number would put you into the creep asking for too much identifying information category or if giving you her your number means you need ego stroking...either way it is reading way to much into your innocuous message.   I say ignore the people who need you to read their minds, better to find the ones who will give you a reasonable break and not jump to conclusions.   

[SumGuy]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

....Some have mentioned the safety aspect of giving your number and this makes good sense when she's at an event or in a workplace, but as she's behind a wall on the internet, she is in complete control of her own safety, so I would say that these concerns don't apply.   

 

Not seeing how the internet helps at all, in fact if there is a photo you can readily save it and do an image search.  If you have any info on location or rough age, even if just distance plus a phone number, I can pretty much find out who you are and where you live and have lived in 15 minutes on free sites.  Give me an hour, or even a modicum of more information and can find out a lot more.   And I don't even do this for a living or use pay sites.  Sure all this stuff can be hidden, but most people don't take such precautions and then with the internet it can easily have slipped out of one database you are in or another.

In short, the internet makes it worse as you have other pieces of information to complete the puzzle not better.  If meeting in real life you likely just have the number and a name, no age, no general location...actually safer but not by much.

Edited March 3, 2021 by SumGuy

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

She blocked him because she has an attitude problem. He didn't do anything remotely deserving of being blocked. She should have just deleted and moved on. But I guess with her bad attitude, she gets some weird satisfaction from blocking a guy who did nothing wrong.

Agreed.  I think Max was being respectful of the medium they were talking in, where giving her his number is another respectful gesture.  Couldn't think of nicer way to respond to what she said (which was full of negativity) other than he could have just blocked or never replied himself.   In real life, he could have asked for hers, more commonly.  Online I think guys default to what would make a girl most comfortable and not too soon.  The fact that she brought up talking to each other on the phone so soon into them messaging just brought the whole issue to the forefront much sooner & I think he did the right thing also to default to the choice that should have made her feel the most comfortable.  

The girl sounds like a whack job

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Not seeing how the internet helps at all, in fact if there is a photo you can readily save it and do an image search.  If you have any info on location or rough age, even if just distance plus a phone number, I can pretty much find out who you are and where you live and have lived in 15 minutes on free sites.  Give me an hour, or even a modicum of more information and can find out a lot more.   And I don't even do this for a living or use pay sites.  Sure all this stuff can be hidden, but most people don't take such precautions and then with the internet it can easily have slipped out of one database you are in or another.

In short, the internet makes it worse as you have other pieces of information to complete the puzzle not better.  If meeting in real life you likely just have the number and a name, no age, no general location...actually safer but not by much.

When the topic of who gives who a number arises, there is frequent discussion of how a woman can feel pressured or cornered when a guy asks for her number in a public setting.  Especially when she's in a workplace and cannot walk away or is alone.   Perhaps I could have chosen a word more appropriate than 'safety' 

Edited March 3, 2021 by basil67

[spiderowl]

I don't think you said anything wrong.  The only things that I noticed were that:

- you gave her your number, as if you expected her to call you

- you said "if we are good match", as if that was still in question (which of course it is but it plants a seed of doubt)

Maybe she has low self-esteem and thought you would judge her.  She probably didn't have the confidence to call you.  I would probably have given up like she did.  I know there is no 'rule' but it's best if a guy takes the initiative, rather than giving a woman the impression she will be doing all the chasing.

I don't think you'll ever know why she behaved like that unless she tries to contact you again.

There are all sorts of people on dating sites and some have axes to grind.  You will see what angle they have after a while, whether they are suspicious, friendly, genuine, jealous, whatever.

 

[SaraSays]

19 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

She probably didn't have the confidence to call you.  I would probably have given up like she did.  I know there is no 'rule' but it's best if a guy takes the initiative, rather than giving a woman the impression she will be doing all the chasing.

It's much more straightforward than you're imagining. If a woman is interested, she'll contact him to give him her number, too. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. She may send a text message, send a message through a chat app like whatsapp or signal, or she may phone. The how, and the what, are completely incidental in that first point of contact from  her to him, in my opinion - she's simply letting him know her number, so they can stay in touch. 

It works no different than if he'd had her number in the first place. If both are interested, there'll be contact between them. If not, there won't. 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I think your message was fine, very nice, actually.  And I am in the camp that prefers it when a man offers his number. It shows me he's letting me have the option of calling him without revealing my number.  I don't take this path - I usually offer mine in exchange - but the gesture is nice.

@max3732 I don't think you did anything wrong. It sounds like she's carrying some baggage and/or is burnt out.  Better luck with the next one!

Me too.

I would definitely prefer it in this context if the guy gave me his number. And I would have responded to your message, @max3732. If I felt it was too soon to talk on the phone, I would have said so. I think in this case it's okay to say that she simply wasn't the one for you and to move on. You didn't do anything wrong/terrible (IMO).

[max3732]

45 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Me too.

I would definitely prefer it in this context if the guy gave me his number. And I would have responded to your message, @max3732. If I felt it was too soon to talk on the phone, I would have said so. I think in this case it's okay to say that she simply wasn't the one for you and to move on. You didn't do anything wrong/terrible (IMO).

I definitely feel better reading the responses on here like yours. I guess hearing her voice and that she addressed me by my name made it a bit more personal than the typical message on a dating app. Also I was thinking "here's my chance to stand out from those terrible guys she's dealt with before". Plus she was really pretty and I liked other things on her profile.

The negativity was definitely a red flag though. Maybe she's had bad experiences with men and would be judging me the whole time based on that and be suspicious or who knows what. 

I'll just keep at it. 

There's actually another match where I said "if you'd like to move away from the app here's my number and we can text" and she replied to my message and we've been texting on the app but she never gave me her number. I guess I need to just flat out ask for her number.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're fine, OP. 

No sense over-thinking and over-analyzing this one. Seems maybe she is the one seeking validation online. Nothing lost here. 

[Miss Spider]

On 3/3/2021 at 10:38 AM, max3732 said:

n this dating app I matched with someone that looked like a great match from her bio and pics. Instead of sending a text she sent a voice message as a 2nd message as an answer to my question. In her message she said something like "a lot of guys here seem to want me to stroke their ego or are only interested in texting and not actually talking to me and meeting so I don't know why I'm even on here".

I thought that was a bit negative, but decided to message her back. I said something like "Sorry you've had that kind of experience with guys. My ego definitely doesn't need any help. I'd love to talk to you and meet up if we're a good match. Here's my #".

Next thing I know she's blocked me.

I was tempted to just say "I'm not like those guys. Let's chat" and give my number but I thought it would be interesting/fun to put something else in the message. This gets me so frustrated. Even when I match with someone I can't get into a conversation or meet to see if there's chemistry. I wish I could see someone over time and slowly build attraction.

Was there something wrong with my message? What should I have said if there was?

Nothing necessarily wrong. She just wasn’t interested. Don’t worry too much about it and move forward 

[IntBrowser]

On 3/3/2021 at 10:38 AM, max3732 said:

On this dating app I matched with someone that looked like a great match from her bio and pics. Instead of sending a text she sent a voice message as a 2nd message as an answer to my question. In her message she said something like "a lot of guys here seem to want me to stroke their ego or are only interested in texting and not actually talking to me and meeting so I don't know why I'm even on here".

I thought that was a bit negative, but decided to message her back. I said something like "Sorry you've had that kind of experience with guys. My ego definitely doesn't need any help. I'd love to talk to you and meet up if we're a good match. Here's my #".

Next thing I know she's blocked me.

I was tempted to just say "I'm not like those guys. Let's chat" and give my number but I thought it would be interesting/fun to put something else in the message. This gets me so frustrated. Even when I match with someone I can't get into a conversation or meet to see if there's chemistry. I wish I could see someone over time and slowly build attraction.

Was there something wrong with my message? What should I have said if there was?

I would have unmatched after that message