Its Not A Tumaaa Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 First off, my girlfriend is beautiful, and I tell her constantly. Every time I tell her, she quickly replies with, "ewwww" or, "No I'm not." She's very self conscious about her body, and she gets really shy and won't even let me see her naked half the time! (We have sex with the lights off) What's weird about this, is she used to be a stripper. It kind of hurts me because she shows her body to drunken strangers, and won't even be comfortable showing her body around me. I tell her how she has the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen, "No they're not, ewww" I tell her constantly how crazy I am about her, how beautiful she looks, and all I get is, "No I'm not. You could do so much better than me." I mean, she tells me constantly how much she loves me and how I make her feel. Hell, she even just sent me this message, "joey i love you soooo much you are the greatest boyfriend i have ever had and you are sooo perfect!!! ahhhh what are you doing to me i love you soooo much and im so crazy about you!!!!!" Don't you think if you love a person this much you should at least believe them when they tell you how beautiful you are? I don't know, any tips on helping me raise her self esteem? I've done everything I think I could possibly do to let her know how crazy I am about her and how beautiful she is, but she's still so self conscious.
hooghie Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 When you compliment her, try and give her more details as to the parts you love and why you think they are so beautiful. You may want to ask her why she doesn't think she is. It's weird to me because she use to be a stripper. I would think she realizes she's attractive enough to be paid for her looks. Makes me wonder if : 1.someone important to her made her feel unattractive?/Men she has been with have really hurt her. OR 2. You're REALLY REALLY hot OR 3. The root of her insecurity has nothing to do with her looks. Whatever the reason, do your best to compliment her both on her looks and character with specifics and let her know the reasons you love her. Over time,
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 The only person who can raise her self esteem is herself. Anything else is just throwing compliments down into an emotional black hole. It kind of hurts me because she shows her body to drunken strangers, and won't even be comfortable showing her body around me. It sounds like she associates sex, and sexuality with degradement and punishment. Perhaps it is a twisted sort of thing where she can only be brazen, naked and 'comfortable' being naked when there is no chance for real intimacy and when real intimacy presents itself she has a hard time associating all those naked things with good things.
d'Arthez Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 First off, my girlfriend is beautiful, and I tell her constantly. Every time I tell her, she quickly replies with, "ewwww" or, "No I'm not." She's very self conscious about her body, and she gets really shy and won't even let me see her naked half the time! (We have sex with the lights off) What's weird about this, is she used to be a stripper. But your perception of beauty and her perception of beauty are not the same. It seems that she suffers from a problem with Body Image. Women who suffer from anorexia, have a similar problem. They are skinny to others, but fat to themselves. It kind of hurts me because she shows her body to drunken strangers, and won't even be comfortable showing her body around me. I have to agree with LucreziaBorgia on this. I tell her how she has the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen, "No they're not, ewww" I tell her constantly how crazy I am about her, how beautiful she looks, and all I get is, "No I'm not. You could do so much better than me." That points to issues she suffers from. And I don't think it is just the being a former stripper, but also issues pertaining to self-esteem and self-worth. It is also a covert rejection statement to say that your bf can do better than you. I mean, she tells me constantly how much she loves me and how I make her feel. Hell, she even just sent me this message, "joey i love you soooo much you are the greatest boyfriend i have ever had and you are sooo perfect!!! ahhhh what are you doing to me i love you soooo much and im so crazy about you!!!!!" And that is perhaps exactly what she is feeling - but having a hard time to express face to face. Or in a sexual way. And again, that is not something you can control. But only she can address her own issues, not you or anyone else. I would strongly suggest for her to seek out counseling options. Don't you think if you love a person this much you should at least believe them when they tell you how beautiful you are? Ideally, yes. But a lot of men and women have a hard time believing statements of beauty. Without it being dysfunctional. I don't know, any tips on helping me raise her self esteem? Ultimately she has to do that herself. Possibly with help of a counselor. The only small thing you can do, is compliment her on the things she made an effort for. She did not make an effort to get these dreamy eyes. She did make an effort to cook a meal, fill out the dreaded forms for the IRS. That is not a panacea, and it won't get your relationship in healthy waters. But it will help. I've done everything I think I could possibly do to let her know how crazy I am about her and how beautiful she is, but she's still so self conscious. Yes. But let's return to the example of anorexia. You can tell an anorexic person time and again, that they are thin, that what they are doing is dangerous for their health et cetera. They are not thinking rationally, but are completely occupied by their body and body perception, which is always negative, even though they rationally know that there is nothing wrong with their body, or that they are even too thin to be healthy. More drastic measures are needed to help people who think like that. Counseling is what I would suggest.
smile95 Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Since I have issues with this too, I have to say that I give the same reaction when my ex used to tell me I was pretty. I would say "shut up" or "no I am not". It was becasue the guy before him trmapled on my self esteem. Try to tell her in different ways. Maybe like "you look great in that outfit" or just grab her randomly and kss her and tell her how good she looks with her hair like that or just other ways instead of just saying you are pretty. It is really hard for people who have low self esteem to hear those words.
Hot Coco Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 I think focusing on aspects about her character and not her physical attributes might help. She may be the most beautiful creature on the outside but if she doesn't feel beautiful on the inside then none of your compliments will have any effect on her. So I'd compliment her on specific things about her character (how sweet she is, caring, considerate, etc.) BUT I do agree with those who said that you can't give her self-esteem. The operative word here is SELF. That has to come from within oneself but you might be able to help it along by complimenting her "insides."
fundamental Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 How do I raise her self esteem? . You can't! It's not your job to raise her self-esteem. There is nothing you can do to raise her self-esteem. You just have to be there for her as her boyfriend/friend. She has to raise her own self-esteem because whatever you say, no matter how sincere it is, your compliments and motivation are not her reality. Once she believes in herself, then your words will become believable and meaningful. She needs to speak with a therapist to help her deal with her issues.
Lucinda Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Start commenting on her inner beauty rather then her outer beauty. Women who hear the outer beauty compliments constant tend to get tired of it and want to know they are loved for their inner beauty.
tonyp56 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 You can't make her feel good about herself. Plain and simple, my wife soon to be ex-wife, was always negative about herself, she was very attractive, and I never said anything negative about her. We started dating when she was 13so I don't think it was other guys that did it to her. But she was always saying things like "I am fat, ugly, got large thighs, etc." And I was always telling her she was beautiful, that she was smart, she wasn't fat, etc. but she never believed me. After we were married she said that the reason why was because she liked hearing it, but she never really believed it IMO. Now of course, she is gone, and now she is someone else's problem. You'll have to get used to it, try to talk to her about seeing a councilor, or something. But in the end, if she doesn't feel good about herself, she won't no matter what you do or say.
Walk Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I never believed people when they said I was pretty or beautiful. Seemed like they were just words. Too easy to say. Not to mention, if for some reason this supposed beauty faded, then what? If I did get fat and ugly? Would they leave because I was no longer "beautiful"? What does she do for you? How does she make you feel? Why are you in love with her? Specifically emotional, character, actions, not outward appearances. If she was/is a stripper those words of 'your hot' etc are meaningless. She feels like crap inside and all anyone see's is the outside. It's a lot of mental and emotional abuse being a stripper. Degrading, and cruel. I'd lay off the outward appearance. Don't stop completely because she'll wonder what went wrong if you stop. But definitely go deeper then her looks. She knows men want her, but only for her body. So why is she beautiful to you? Would you love her if all she was just a hot piece o' a**. So, why do you love her? Then tell her. If you continue telling her these things, she'll come to trust that you mean them. For example: My bf said he admired me for my courage in something specific.. that meant more to me then every single compliment about my looks any guy had ever given me.
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